Fic: A Good, Sharp Kick
Author: MJ Duncan
Fandom: The Hollows
Pairing: Ivy/Rachel
Rating: Mature
Spoilers: Who knows, but probably some, yeah. But let's face it, if you're reading fanfic you're either up on what's happening in the books or just in love with the characters so either way it doesn't really matter. :o)
Disclaimer: Kim Harrison owns these characters and locations.
PART 1
Rachel
Ten minutes ago, I had quickly jumped the line out of the Ever After in a desperate bid to get back home. Now, as I was cowering in the backyard, tears pouring down my cheeks as an absolutely irate little pixie threatened my life, I wasn't entirely certain that it had been my best decision ever.
Jenks hovered in front of me, angry red dust falling and his sword leveled at my face. "For the love of Tink! Rache, please tell me you didn't do that!"
Or, maybe the decision itself was okay, it was my actions after the fact that was the problem.
Yeah, that was it. What did I do now, you ask. Nothing that I haven't done before, honestly. Let's face it – I'm a total moron most of the time. I would normally try and preface that statement with something to the effect of only with Ivy, but my time of self-reflection in the Ever After these last twenty-four hours has driven home the point that I truly am mentally challenged.
Seriously.
Fucking.
Challenged.
Even though he was right, and I knew he was, I still couldn't let the whole matter drop without at least trying to explain myself. "What do you want me to say Jenks?" I yelled back at him. "Really? What the fuck do you want me to say? That I popped into Ivy's bedroom uninvited? Yeah, I did that. Was I naked? Yeah, I was. But, really, it wasn't my fault-"
"Don't you even start with me, young lady!" Jenks lowered himself so we were eye-to-eye. "You knew that you would jump the line and end up wherever the hell Ivy was, and you couldn't put on a freaking robe?"
"I was running away from that bastard Pierce," I mumbled. "It's not my fault that he decided to work a seduction curse on me! It's not my fault his stupid fucking curse to make me all hot and bothered so that I'd strip my clothes off before I even knew what was happening! Once I realized what was going on, I lost it, okay? I jumped the line to get the hell away from him, and it took me to Ivy. I told you before why I have to come back to her – you know I didn't do it on purpose."
Swayed as he seemed to be by my explanation, he wasn't going to let me off the hook. "Yeah, well, take a good listen, little witch. Hear that crying?"
And, I could. Like a sharp stab to my heart, I could. Ivy wasn't exactly being quiet.
"You did that to her! You did that!"
"I know!" I roared back at him, my anger rising with his. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean for this to happen! I didn't stop to think that she'd think that I'd finally come to her for real when saw me all hot and bothered and naked!"
"That's the problem Rache," he snarled, his anger toward me flaring even hotter. "You never think. Have you ever even taken one freaking second to think how hard this has all been on her? Have you ever taken one second to pull your head out of your ass and realize how completely reliant she is on you? Have you ever taken one fucking goddamn second to think about how you are slowly ripping her heart out with your stupidity?"
"I…" I couldn't think of anything to say.
"Yeah," he whirled away and began flitting back in forth in front of me, his own type of pacing. "Yeah, you haven't. The rest of us see it clear as fucking day, but still you sit and fight it and desperately cling to whatever fucked up ideal it is that you think you need to measure up to. But here's the thing, Rache, and you need to listen and actually hear what I'm telling you. There's a lot of hurt in the world, there's a lot of pain. Love… is …not… wrong."
He stopped pacing to stare me down again. "Sometimes it doesn't come in the form you'd expected, but love is never wrong. Take that fucking thought with you next time you torment Ivy. I'm so tired of trying to clean her back up after you knock her down Rachel. I'm an old man, I can't keep doing this. You know she needs you. You know she's completely in love with you, and god help us all, Rachel, I am starting to think that she might be better off if she wasn't. Because you're like heroin for her. She can't give you up, and you're killing her."
I just stared at him. It felt like my heart was broken into a million pieces and I couldn't breathe. "But she'd told me that she didn't want my blood," I whispered at him, my eyes pouring out tears at an inhuman rate. "What does she want from me then?"
"She wants you to love her," he said, his voice gentling slightly, though the unmistakable edge of his anger was still there. "She wants you to look at her as a desirable woman and love her."
"But I do," I breathed. "I do love her."
"You're still not getting it you stupid hardheaded witch," he muttered darkly. "She knows you love her, but she also knows that it's not enough. How many times do you think you can pull her into your little delusions of 'okay, now I'm ready' only to have you pull back and tell her no? How much longer do you honestly think she can survive that?"
"I don't know," I mumbled.
"Honestly Rache, you need to figure out what the fuck you do know, because you either need to acknowledge that you love Ivy – not as a friend, not as a sister, but as a woman – and then act on that love, or just get the fuck out of her life. Because you're not healthy for her this way Rachel. It's not healthy."
He leveled me with a heavy glare, full of fatherly disappointment, and then he shook his head as he took off, leaving me cowering in the chair, my arms wrapped tightly against my knees as the tears that had been pouring down my cheeks turned into wracking sobs. I was alone. Again.
And I deserved it.
It was twilight by the time I'd gathered myself, my thoughts, and everything to the point that I was functional. Just barely functional, my head, heart, and body felt like they'd all gone twelve-rounds with a prizefighter, but I was resolute in my decision and though exhaustion had me shuffling my way to the backdoor of the church, I was determined. Jenks had given me a swift kick to the metaphorical ass, and I wasn't about ignore it.
The backdoor to the church swung open silently in front of me and I licked my lips at the sight that awaited me. The kitchen was clean and smelled of freshly brewed coffee, and Ivy was predictably seated in her chair at the kitchen table staring at her computer screen.
I stepped inside and closed the door after me with a quiet click, and I wasn't at all surprised that Ivy pretended not to notice. I deserved so much worse than the silent treatment she was apparently giving me.
My eyes had been forced open by Jenks' angry tirade and I found that I wasn't surprised by the love I felt for Ivy. No, I wasn't surprised by it. I had expected it. Had felt it before and had always written it off as something else. But now… now, it broke my heart. It broke my heart that she'd known it was there all this time, and that she also knew that I was fighting it. That I was fighting her. I'd spent the afternoon taking a good long look at how I'd fucked around with Ivy all these years, and I wasn't surprised by any of it. But it still hurt. Admitting to yourself that you're an insensitive asshole is never an easy thing.
I stopped at the island and placed my hands on the smooth stainless surface as I took a deep breath. This was it. Years of friendship and the greatest love I've ever known without knowing, came down to this fucked up moment in our kitchen. I pursed my lips as I heard Ivy stop pretending to pay attention to her computer and I sighed as I imagined her nostrils flaring as she scented the room, trying to get a handle on my mood.
I shook my head sadly and looked up at her. I knew I looked a sight, my hair was undoubtedly a mess and I could feel the stiff tracks of tears on my cheeks, and I licked my lips as I held her questioning gaze. She was so beautiful even like this, detached, aloof, and hurt, and I closed my eyes so that I could escape the pain in hers. It was a cowardly move, I know, but I couldn't do this and look at her. "I'm an ass," I croaked, too tired to care that my voice was complete crap from crying.
"Yeah, you are," she agreed coldly.
I nodded sadly. "Yeah," I sighed. "I know. I don't blame you for hating me Ivy. I hate me too right now." I took a shaky breath and risked a glance at her cold, dark eyes that were regarding me warily before I lowered myself to the floor in front of the sink. I leaned back against the cupboards and rested my head on the hard wood. It was the most vulnerable position I could put myself in, and I honestly wouldn't have begrudged her tearing my throat out at that moment.
The kitchen was silent around me, but I knew that she hadn't left. I could still smell her ash and orange incense. And, as I was now being honest with myself, I knew that she hadn't left because my heart always felt a little empty, a little broken, whenever she wasn't nearby. And, yeah, it would have been nice for her to say something, but I couldn't blame her for leaving it to me to fix this.
It was a mess of my own making, after all. I took a deep breath to try and gather myself, knowing that it wasn't going to work but doing it all the same. "I know this is insanely inadequate, but I really am sorry Ivy. I know it doesn't make any of the shit I've put you through worth it, but I'm sorry that I am such a fucking idiot."
The breath she'd been holding exploded out of her and I could easily picture her shaking her head at me. "You're right, it doesn't make any of it better."
"Yeah," I agreed, and was surprised to find that I was crying once again. Apparently, there was yet another well of misery for me to tap into. I didn't know what else to say, so we just sat there. Me leaning against the cupboards with my eyes closed as Ivy did I don't know what. She was probably just sitting there glaring at me.
There was a quiet scrape of wood against tile and I knew that Ivy had gotten to her feet. I wasn't sure if it was to attack or to run, but I remained where I was because I deserved anything she chose to do to me.
"Just tell me what you want from me," Ivy whispered, her voice exhausted. "I'm too tired of fighting with you about this. For once Rachel, please just tell me what you want from me because I don't know what to do anymore."
"I don't deserve the right to ask anything of you anymore Ivy," I told her, my voice as tired as hers. "Jenks made that perfectly clear, and he was right. I don't deserve the right to ask anything of you."
I felt the air in front of me shift, and then her fist was grabbing my shirt and hefting me up off the floor. "Just. Tell. Me. What. The. Fuck. You. Want," she growled.
Her anger was cold fire to my soul and I tenderly wrapped my hands around her wrists that were holding me a foot off the ground. "I want you. I love you Ivy," I whispered, looking down at her through my tear-filled eyes. "I want to show you how much I love you."
She just stared at me, shaking her head in disbelief. "No, you don't mean it and this'll be the little heartbreak that kills me, Rachel. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep loving you like this."
"Because it's not healthy," I finished for her. "Yeah, I know. I'll just go now," I tried to pry her fingers from my shirt. "If you'll just put me down Ivy, I'll go. I don't want to hurt you anymore." I bit my lip as I pulled my right hand away from her arm so I could tenderly trace the line of her jaw with my fingertips. "I'm sorry I'm such an ass. I'm sorry I didn't just tell my head to shut the fuck up and listen to my heart before we got to this point. Before it was too late to try and save us. Just put me down Ivy, let me go."
Tears were coursing down her cheeks and there was the slightest tremble noticeable in her forearms as they began to fatigue from holding me up in the air, but she wouldn't put me down. She shook her head as tears rolled silently down her cheeks and I swear I felt her grip on my shirt tighten. "I can't let you go Rachel," she whispered.
"Why?"
She laughed harshly. "Because I need you to feel normal," she hissed the word. "As much as I hate myself for it, I need you because I know you love me for me. Not because I'm a Tamwood. Not because I'm a vampire who can provide blood ecstasy. But just because of me. I would die without you," she cried. "I hate you and love you and it would kill me to let you go and I just… can't… do… it."
I stared at her, hating myself for landing us in such a fucked up place. Love is supposed to be a beautiful thing, and here we are – drowning in it.
So.
Completely.
Fucked.
Up.
I'd spent the afternoon trying to figure out what I could say to her to make this all okay, and now I realized that there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it. I had been hoping there was a way to just confess my undying love for her and have her fall into my arms, but somehow I knew that was never going to happen. Shit like that only works in the movies.
"Okay Ivy," I whispered, dropping my hands to my sides in defeat. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't fix us. But I would do whatever I could to try and make her life a little bit easier. "I won't leave until you tell me to." It wasn't romantic, but it was the truth. I could promise her that much.
She lowered me gently to my feet and I before I knew what was happening, she had pulled me into a hug that squeezed the breath out of me. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed back, both of us holding on to the other as if we were adrift in the ocean and she was the last life preserver in the world. And then, before I knew it, she was gone. I heard the front door of the church slam shut, leaving me alone once again with my tumultuous thoughts.
