Chapter 1: Bury Your Head In Your Hands
No way. Nope. I wouldn't do it. Couldn't do it. That was insane. Sure I hated him with a passion, but kill him? Actually kill him? No way. That would be…suicide. Killing Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Bloody-Die? No.
I sighed and ran my hands crazily through my sleek blond hair. What in Merlin's name was he thinking? I thought angrily. I, Draco Malfoy, cannot, I repeat cannot, kill him.
I'd been assigned, by the loving Voldemort, to kill Harry Potter by the end of my seventh year. Of course, I had merely replied to the task with 'of course, my lord,' with no hesitation, but only because I'm scared senseless of the Dark Lord. I admit it, even though I'm afraid of almost nothing.
I sighed noisily. How in the name of Merlin was I going to do this? I snarled at the wall.
"No fucking way!" I growled, and kicked the nearest item to me: a small night stand. It flew into the wall and broke. I grumbled and pulled out my wand, repairing the poor night stand. If there was some way in hell, that I could get out of this… I tried to think of ways out, but the more I thought of ideas, the more and more unlikely they became. One particular one involved changing my identity and moving to California.
But I'm definitely no coward! I would face this task if it was the last thing I ever do. Which it probably would be.
First off, killing Harry Potter, the Golden Boy, was suicide for many reasons. He had many followers and loyal friends. Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, for example. I knew if I killed Potter with those two alive, I was done for. They would get me, no doubt about that.
Not that I'm scared of them! I hummed angrily; I'm not scared of the filthy Mudblood and her blood traitor boyfriend. Ugh, I realized, he has the whole huge fucking Weasley family too! Along with all his Gryffindor admirers, and… the list just kept getting longer. Why did Potter have to be such a fucking nice guy!?
I sighed dejectedly. School started tomorrow, and I was supposed to start 'observing' Potter and figure out what he does most often, his weaknesses, where to find him, etc.
I walked over to my large bed and lay down on it, over the covers, with my clothes still on, and fell asleep immediately, dreading the next day.
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Ugh, there he was, smiling like an idiot. What on earth is there to be smiling about? Didn't the idiot realize the Dark Lord had plans to kill him?
I shrugged to myself, Potter was pretty dense sometimes. I stared at the raven-haired boy from across the train station. He was smiling like crazy and hugging Weasley's mum and dad. I felt disgusted watching them, but I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from the scene.
Once I finally got a hold of myself, I headed to the door on the Hogwart's Express.
"Draco?" I heard a tiny female voice call out behind. I twirled around smirked.
"Who else?" I replied. The voice belonged to Pansy Parkinson, a small (but powerful) little witch with short black hair, and, in fact, a cute little face with delicate features.
"Oh Draco! It's so good to see you!" She ran over to me and hugged me happily. I hugged her back, happy to see her. She was the only person I really felt I could trust with everything. I ruffled her hair and she smiled and stuck out her tongue at me.
"I can't believe this is our last year! It seems like it's gone by so fast…" Pansy murmured. I nodded in agreement. "So how was your holiday?" Pansy asked, "I didn't get to see you much."
Oh, that's right. She didn't know about my assignment. I sighed.
"That bad?" she asked sympathetically.
I nodded and grimaced, "I'll tell you later."
Together we walked towards the Hogwarts Express and climbed aboard, searching for an empty compartment.
Finally, we found one and I immediately walked in, depositing my trunk and then sitting down. Pansy did the same, and plopped down across from me. She squinted, her eyes, studying me. I shifted uncomfortably. She was always good at getting stuff out of me.
"Is it later?" she asked impatiently.
I smiled, for the first time in a while. Pansy always made me happy. We had been friends for as long as I could remember. And we would always remain that. Really good friends. Like brother and sister. Nothing more.
My smile vanished as I thought about what I was about to tell her. My brows furrowed. "I suppose…" I trailed off tauntingly.
"Well? Tell me!" Pansy demanded impatiently.
"I have a new assignment." I stated.
Pansy breathed in sharply. "Oh no…"
I sighed. "Oh yes."
"What is it this time?" Pansy asked, fearing the answer.
"Well…"
"Draco."
"I'm actually not supposed to…"
"Draco Regulus Malfoy. You tell me this instant or I will hex you." Pansy threatened. I winced. Her hexes were deadly.
"I have to kill Potter. By the end of this school year." I said bluntly, wanting to get it out in the open.
Pansy gasped and her hand flew over her mouth.
"No!" she shouted.
"Yup."
"I mean, I know we all hate him…but killing him. You…you've never killed anyone Draco. No offense, but I don't think you can. You have too soft a heart."
I scowled, "I do not." I growled.
Pansy looked at me, the oh-so-stubborn blonde. "Yes, Draco, admit it. You do. You could never hurt a fly. I've known since we were born. I think I know a few things about you."
"Like what?" I challenged. I've had to torture plenty of people! How could she think I have a soft heart!?
Pansy's eyebrows shot up. Bad idea. "Well, like the fact that you act all mean and tough and cold-hearted on the outside, but on the inside you absolutely despise yourself for being like that, because you're nothing but a kind little puppy. You wouldn't hurt a fly. You were raised in a Death Eater household – excluding your mother, of course." She added hastily as I glared at her. My mother wasn't too fond of the Death Eater ways. "You aren't cut out to be a Death Eater. You just want a normal life, huh? Although we all hate certain Mudbloods…."
"Well…" I trailed off.
Pansy smiled triumphantly. "But back on track… what are you going to do!?"
"I…I don't know." I answered her question looking at my shoes. Gross; they were disgusting! When was the last time I washed these things?
"Is there any way you could, I don't know, warn him?" Pansy asked.
I tore my eyes from my disgusting shoes and they flashed angrily. "Warn who? Potter? Yeah, right." I snorted. "Like that would work. The Dark Lord would find out, and we'd all be dead. Besides, as much I don't want to kill him, I still hate his fucking guts."
"Yes, well…" Pansy looked thoughtful.
I narrowed my eyes. "What?"
"Oh, nothing." she replied. "I'm just trying to figure out what we should do." That was Pansy, always the quick, hyper one, ready to jump on things. I liked that about her. Never a dull moment, that's for sure.
"Hmm… I just don't know Draco… You can't lie to the Dark Lord…" She trailed off again. She opened her mouth suddenly, but before she could say anything –
Bang!
The compartment door burst open, revealing four boys.
"Hey Draco! Hey Pansy! How was your holiday? Mine absolutely stunk! Couldn't do anything with the bloody Dark Lord everywhere…"
Pansy rolled her eyes, "Yeah, we all know. But if anyone hears you saying that, Theo…" she trailed off.
Theo scoffed, "Oh, right, of course. I'd be killed. Big deal." He walked in and sat himself down next to me. Pansy was right though, if anyone did hear him saying that, well, it'd be a pretty gruesome killing to say the least.
Blaise Zabini, Vincent Crabbe, and Gregory Goyle remained in the doorway.
Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe looked the same as ever: large.
Blaise, on the other hand, always seemed to look better each year. One would think there was no way for him to possibly look any better, but somehow he managed to do it. Even I found him attractive.
He had smooth, dark skin, with perfect shoulder-length dark hair to match, with amazingly deep brown eyes, and an extremely well-toned body. All the girls swooned when they saw him.
Much like they do when they see me. I smirked to myself.
"Shove over Theo, I want to sit, but your fat arse is taking up the whole bloody bench!" Blaise snapped.
"It is not!" Theo snapped right back. "You know, I'm not the only one on the bench! Draco lousy fat arse is taking up room too!"
"My arse is not fat! Or lousy!" I defended hotly.
Blaise opened his mouth, retaliation hot in his mouth, when Pansy intervened. "Oh, honestly, you guys! Just shove over and give Blaise a place to sit! It's not that hard. Come on, Vince, Greg, sit by me." They sat. "See? Is that so hard to do?"
Blaise's eyes squinted, and you could tell he wanted to add something, but apparently decided against it as Theo and I moved over, grumbling, and Blaise sat.
Pansy's eyes sparkled with amusement.
"What?" I snapped.
"Oh, nothing…" Pansy smirked. I stared at her, and she stared right back, her gaze penetrating deep into my skull. I looked away.
"So, did anything happen to you guys over the summer?" Vincent said softly.
Theo's head snapped up, his eyes coated with fury. "Yes! You want to know what happened to me!? The Dark Lord Imperioused me and made me torture my own mother!"
Pansy gasped. "No!"
"Yeah, and he laughed the whole time, saying things like 'Oh, this is nothing. Everyone has to torture their own mother at some point in their life.'" Theo said darkly.
"That's…that's horrible!" Pansy gasped.
"Yeah, well…"
"Is she okay?" I asked suddenly. I knew what kind of torture the Dark Lord could inflict upon people. I'd witnessed and performed it too many times for my own good.
"She's fine." Theo muttered.
"You know, he's gone way too far! This isn't –" Pansy started indignantly, but was cut off by Blaise.
"Pansy!" Blaise muttered harshly. "There's nothing we can do! He's a worthless piece of shit, yes, but we can't do anything about it! So stop talking like that! It just makes everyone more depressed that we can't do anything!"
I held my breath. No one spoke to Pansy like that. Well, if you valued your life at least.
Pansy's eyes darkened. I looked at Blaise; he seemed to cower down in his seat a little.
"We can't do anything about it!? Sure we can! We'll never be able to overcome him if you keep talking like that!" Pansy yelled, outraged.
"No, Pansy! Overcome him? We can't!" Blaise retorted unhappily.
Pansy looked hurt. "But, Blaise…"
"No, Pansy. At least…not now. Now, please, just drop it, okay?" Blaise asked quietly, his face in his hands.
Pansy sighed. "Fine."
There was silence in the compartment. Could we do something about the Dark Lord? I thought. I mean, sure we had always hoped, but… it had always seemed like a hopeless cause.
"Um, so, did anyone get any assignments?" Greg asked suddenly in his deep voice. I looked up at him. He seemed a bit on edge after the small argument, unsure if he should speak.
"I have to find… Dedalus Diggle? I have torture him for information or something. The Dark Lord calls it my 'test to see if I'm worthy.'" Theo snorted. "As if torturing my mother wasn't enough torturing for a lifetime."
"By when?" Blaise asked.
"Oh...um… I think he said…. May? But I don't know how I'm going to, considering I'm going to be in school." Theo said.
"Oh. Anyone else?" Greg asked.
Everyone mumbled and shook their heads. Pansy looked up and caught my eye. She opened her mouth, but I shook my head violently. She gave me a questioning look, but closed her mouth and muttered a quiet "No."
I didn't want to tell anyone else. They would all be pressuring me to do it soon. They wouldn't see all the setbacks that I see.
I looked back up to find Pansy continuing to stare at me, her head cocked to one side, looking confused.
Blaise sighed and stretched his legs, "Gosh, I swear this train ride gets longer every bloody year."
"Don't I know it…?" Theo said, leaning against the back of the bench and closing his eyes.
"Yeah, but at least it's our last year." Vincent said with a slight smile on his face.
Yeah. Easy for him to say, as was dreading this year. The whole year.
Blaise fidgeted and stood abruptly. "I'm going to go wander…maybe I can find something to do…" He trailed off.
"Or someone..." I murmured with a smirk.
Blaise turned to me with a smirk matching my own, "Well…if I happen to find someone who's willing…" He trailed off, winked, ran a hand through his hair, and exited the compartment.
Pansy was folding and unfolding her hands anxiously in her lap.
"What's with you?" Theo asked suspiciously.
"Um, nothing, well, I- Draco, can I speak to you…er, alone?" Pansy asked restlessly.
Theo snickered.
"Oh, Theo, grow up! Come on, Draco." Pansy said exasperatedly, grabbing my arm and pulling me out of the compartment after her.
"What?" I demanded, once we were safely out of the compartment. Pansy looked around cautiously at the students milling about in the halls.
"Here…let's try to find somewhere private…" She muttered, more to herself than to me. "Ah, the loo, perfect, come on." She grabbed my arm once again and dragged me into the empty loo, shutting the door quickly behind her. She reached around for a light switch and quickly flipped it on.
"Er…Pansy?" I asked hesitantly. "What do...want?"
Pansy sighed. "Well…I just want to know why you didn't tell them about your assignment. I don't understand… we tell them everything!"
I placed my hands calmly on her shoulders. "Pansy, I can't tell them."
Pansy looked confused. "What do you mean? The Dark Lord won't let you, or –"
"No, he actually didn't say if I could tell anyone… No, well, I don't want to tell them, I guess." I said truthfully.
"Why not?" She asked, still puzzled.
"Pansy…they hate Potter as much as we do, but I don't think they would actually mind killing him. So they would be pushing me, and if they felt that I wasn't going to do it soon, then they might try to tell the Dark Lord, and who knows what he'll do to me, and…" I trailed off, removing my hands from her shoulder and crossing them in front of my chest.
Pansy's face dawned in realization. "Oh."
"Yeah,"
"But…"
"No."
"But, maybe…"
"No, Pansy."
She sighed. "I know. You're right. We can't. But maybe, Draco, I've been thinking… What if we make it look like an accident?"
I raised my eyebrows. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, with killing Potter, what if we make it look like an accident? Like a potions class gone wrong, or, a deadly flying incident, or, or…" She looked hopeful.
"Yeah, that's how I would want to do it." I decided. "You were right about what you said earlier. About how I wouldn't hurt a fly. I can't kill him. When I tortured those people, I swear I didn't have a choice."
Pansy looked at me kindly, pulling me into a tight embrace. "I know, Draco. We'll find a way. I promise."
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A/N: I wanted to thank the two very awesome betas, Mell8 and Sympathetic Me.
The title of the story and the chapters are from the Underoath song "In Regards to Myself" off their album Define the Great Line.
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