Ok so this is going to be the first thing I've written in about forever, so if it's terrible to start with I apologize; it will get better as I get back into the groove of things.
This story is going to be predominantly centered around Genma because he's one of my favorite characters and there's so much you can do with him being that canonically we don't really get to see too much of him, so I will be taking some liberties with his and Raidō's backstory, as well as some things from Kakashi's because as my other fave he will definitely be popping up in this.
All that being said this story is going to deal with some pretty dark shit and will be a fairly severe tale about mental health and all the things that go along with it. It's not going to be pretty and it will not be glamorizing mental disorders or illness. As of right now this story is most likely going to contain homosexuality, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, self-harm, eating disorders not otherwise specified, talk of suicide, suicidal ideation, gore, excessive profanity, implied rape/abuse, neglect, etc. Pretty much everything but smut. I don't do sex scenes.
I don't have an endgame pairing for this yet, my heart tells me Rai/Gen so that's what I'll tag it as for now, but we'll see. Regardless it's going to be a slow motherfucking burn.
There will be an OC but he will only be used for character development for Genma, so he won't be around long
This will be set during the time skip, about 10 months after Sasuke left.
Also I'll apologize in advance for any formatting errors and the excessive use of commas.
I'll keep you inside
Where I lead you cannot follow
Straight into the light
As my breath grows still and shallow
Into the Nothing by Breaking Benjamin
"Genma! Will you hurry up?!
"Fuck off Rai, it's not going to kill you to wait five more minutes!"
"You said that 10 minutes ago!"
Raidō sighed as he leaned back farther into the dusty old couch that took up most of the room in Genma's small apartment. Gods, tonight was going to be just what they needed, the past few months had been a hell storm of paperwork and nonstop missions, not to mention their task of guarding Tsunade around the clock. The jonin was starting to feel like he was at his wits end, never having a moments peace or rest, and he knew the others were feeling the same.
Now that Tsunade was Hokage, so many things were changing so quickly it was unreal but Raidō wasn't too worried, he trusted Tsunade and her ability to lead the village as much as he trusted the Third.
Raidō smiled slightly, remembering the old man that had been around his whole life. His death had been hard on the whole village but even more so on the Tokubetsu Jonin, whose job it had been to protect him. They had all been out of sorts since it happened nearly a year ago but Raidō could tell his best friend had taken it harder than any of them.
Looking around cluttered living area Raidō couldn't help but grimace slightly at just how messy it had gotten lately. While Genma was hardly a tidy person, he had always kept his apartment clean at least. Having clothes scattered here and there, books and scrolls stacked in various places made his apartment looked lived in, rather than the the sterile cleanliness of most places inhabited by shinobi. (Like Kakashi's apartment, which looked like no one ever set foot in it, or Kotetsu and Izumo's place, a sad little studio apartment right next to the Hokage tower. The two elite Chunin somehow managed to keep the dismally small space cleaner than Raidō's entire apartment.) But ever since the Chunin Exams had taken place, even before the Third Hokages passing, the scarred man had noticed a change in his longtime friend.
Now instead of the endearing homey-ness the space once had, it was a complete train wreck. Along with what looked to be every article of clothing the senbon user owned scattered over the floors and furniture, nearly every open surface was covered in beer cans, bottles, half eaten take-out boxes and the faint smell of tobacco that let Raidō know Genma had started smoking again at some point. Kunai and shuriken lay everywhere, haphazardly tossed around among soldier pills and ration bars, vials of different poisons the Jonin liked to use, broken pieces of what Raidō could only assume were Genma's ANBU armor. Dried streaks of blood and dirt dotted the walls and counters, an extra pair of mud covered boots sitting untouched by the front door. His brows creased as he frowned.
He hasn't been this bad since Mintao died...
But that was the problem wasn't it? What the other man didn't want to admit to anyone, including Raidō. How much he felt as though he had failed The Third, just like he had failed Minato.
If only I had been there/ maybe there was something I could have done /maybe if I'd tried harder he would still be here.
A life of 'maybes' and 'what if's' that he knew left Genma's head spinning. A feeling that echoed in Raidō's being, something he could understand, something that was affecting Genma deeply, which was why he was trying to give the younger man as much time as he needed. Because he knew...
He'll bounce back eventually, he always does.
Because that's who Genma was, he was the one that wouldn't break, even when the world tried to bend him farther than he could go, he would always spring back when any of them least expected. He just had to wait until his friend found his way out of whatever dark hole he'd crawled into. Right? Because he would know if he needed to worry, wouldn't he? Genma would tell him of something serious was going on in that head of his. They told each other everything. If something was truly wrong, Genma would tell him and they would deal with it. Just like they solved their other problems.
Genma walking out of the bedroom broke the scarred man out of his thoughts, looking up at his friend and raising a dark eyebrow, grin creeping across his face.
Genma had his usual disinterested expression fixed firmly in place but his short "What?" gave away that he was more than a bit annoyed. " You just look so cute Gen. You'll probably pick up more people at the bar than Anko." Raidō remarked as he looked Genma over. Like the taller man Genma had opted to wear their shinobi issue black pants and sandals (opting to leave behind his weapons pouch) and a short sleeve mesh top with a black tank top over it, the fabric loose fitting enough to hide the lean body underneath.
His normally straight hair was now framing his face in soft waves and falling in his eyes without his headband to keep it away, and a small silver hoop sat in the left side of his nose.
Overall he looked better now than he had in weeks, aside from the dark circles ringing his eyes, reminding Raidō of Hayate briefly; a far off look in those hazel orbs that Raidō couldn't quite discern was from too many sleepless nights or the weight of his own thoughts.
"Did you do your hair?" Raidō asked incredulously.
Genma scoffed and started picking his way through the apartment looking for his wallet. "No, I took a shower earlier and fell asleep while it was wet and this," he gestured vaguely in the direction of his head "happened and I didn't feel like fixing it." Finding his wallet and shoving it in the back pocket of his pants the senbon user looked expectantly at his teammate.
"And lo, he's finally ready." Raidō quipped as he made his way to the door, ignoring Genma flipping him off. "Alright, lets get wasted!"
Damn we've only been here for an hour and I'm already thinking this was a bad idea.
Raidō thought tiredly as he swirled the last of the beer in his glass before finishing it off. Catching the bartenders eye he held up his glass briefly indicating a refill and glanced around the small civilian bar for his friends.
He and Genma had met up with Asuma, Anko, Kotetsu and Izumo at a small bar on the outer reaches of the village to celebrate the tokubetsu jonin finally having a day off for the first time in almost two years; day off in this case meaning they had a full 24 hours of no obligations, tasks, or missions. And Raidō couldn't be more thankful for that, it was one of the things that Tsunade had instituted during her time as Hokage, making sure that no one was running themselves into the ground, and although Kakashi and Genma were giving her a run for her money, he was starting to feel more than a bit frayed at the the edges as of late too.
His thoughts drifted to their silver haired friend causing him to sigh sadly.
After the Uchiha boy had deserted his team, Naruto had left with Jiraiya, and Sakura attached herself to Tsunade's hip, Kakashi was left with nothing, like so many other times in his life and had taken up the ANBU mask again, pouring himself into something that couldn't abandon him. It worried Raidō and Genma, but then again they knew Tsunade wouldn't let Kakashi do anything she didn't think he could handle. He hoped.
Raidō smiled to himself a little, Tsunade was more of a mother hen than she liked to let on, under her rather...abrasive exterior, she was one of the most caring people he had met. Kakashi and Genma had both (on separate occasions) mentioned that was her problem; that she cared too deeply. Something that was dangerous in their line of work, as ninja. Caring and attachment could very easily get you killed. Or fuck you up so bad it destroyed your entire sense of being.
His mind flashed with an image of Genma, when they were young (so young) his thin shoulders shaking and his hands scrabbling for purchase on a torn, muddy coat. Blood (Minato's) soaking through the sleeves of his shirt, streaked over a jonin vest that seemed so large on his small body and the tears that streamed down his friends face.
He remembered something his father had told him once. The truest tragedy of man was loving something death could touch.
"Raiiiiiiiii!" Genma nearly yelled, slamming into his back and snapping him out of his thoughts and almost making him spill the beer he hadn't even notice had been placed in his hand. The scarred man looked over his shoulder to see what his best friend was doing and very nearly got the business end of a cigarette in the eye for his troubles, the small menthol stick replacing Genma's usual senbon. "Can I get a drink on your tab?" The jonin asked, blowing a puff of smoke away from Raidō 's face. "Whatever, as long as it's not ridiculously expensive, get me one too."
"You're a fuckin' peach, Raidō." Genma said, leaning over his friend and ordering something Raidō couldn't hear over the music. The bartender nodded and soon there was a small cup of something sitting in front of him and Genma was holding his own glass grinning like an idiot. "Gen, what the hell is this?"
"It's called a Vegas Bomb."
"Shit, that doesn't sound friendly."
Genma just laughed and held his glass up, "Trust me it will fuck you up." and proceeded to down the whole thing in one go.
"Oh gods help me." Raidō muttered to himself as he took an experimental swig. His first thought was that it tasted pretty good, immediately followed by the small voice in the back of his head that told him that was a bad sign, anything that tasted that good probably had a significantly high alcohol content.
Genma slammed his glass face down on the bar and ordered another beer, absentmindedly tapping his fingers to whatever song was playing through the speakers, the sporadic movements letting Raidō know that his friend was already fairly drunk. Turning back to the room he walked over to the table they had been hovering around and sat next to Asuma and putting his foot on Anko's chair leg asked dismissively
"How many has Genma had already? We've only been here for a little over an hour." Taking a sip from his own glass, Raidō watched as Anko tapped the four beer bottles on the far end of the table.
"Those and the Vegas Bomb I told him to try." She laughed and looked over at Kotetsu and Izumo, who were hanging all over each other, before turning her attention back to Raidō and leaning on her elbows over the table.
"So guess what I heard?" Asuma flicked a cigarette butt at her and scowled slightly,
"Mitarashi, quit gossiping for five minutes would you?" Anko waved him off dismissively "Oh don't be a buzzkill Asuma, I'm sure Raidō would love to know this particular piece of information." She said with a sly grin before knocking back the last dregs from the glass in her hand.
"And what information could you possibly have that would interest me Anko?" One day he was going to stop entertaining her bullshit but it seemed today was not that day, he couldn't be bothered to put the effort in.
Anko's expression suddenly turned into something much more somber, or if Raidō didn't know better; sad.
"I overheard from Yamanaka earlier, Genma failed his psych eval." Raidō couldn't help but snort rudely. "Are you serious? Why the hell would he do that? Because you and I both know he could lie through his teeth and pass easy as you please whenever he needed to. Sounds like some bullshit intel."
"Hey I'm just telling you what I heard, and what the hell is that supposed to mean? That he's bullshitted his way through in the past?"
Asuma rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair "Haven't we all lied before? Really?" Anko shrugged her shoulders looking down at her empty glass. " I mean I'm not going to sit here and say I never lied but I still got sent to my fair share of therapy." "Yeah well you're a special case now aren't you?" Raidō bit his tongue the moment the sentence left his mouth and he heard Asuma click his lighter and a quiet "Damn." Before he looked up to see Anko's dark expression. "Yes, I was." She left her glass on the table and stood without a word and walked over to the bar, passing Genma on her way who glanced between her and the others confusedly before walking over and sitting next to Izumo.
"The hell was that about?"
"Just Raidō putting his foot in his mouth." Asuma supplied easily, taking one of the drinks from the other Jonin's hands. "By the way kid, maybe you should slow down? You're looking pretty wobbly already." Asuma was only half joking, but even Kotetsu and Izumo had noticed the way Genma's reaction time was off and he hadn't made his way over to them in anything that could resemble a straight line. Instead of replying Genma just pulled out a cigarette from the pack on the table and lit it. Raidō watched quietly as Genma rubbed his eye with his palm before remarking "Kid? Fuck off, we're the same age...asshole."
Asuma just laughed and shook his head.
For the next two hours their night continued in much the same way and Raidō began to relax, letting his earlier worries slip away in favor of enjoying time with his friends. However it seemed that once midnight hit, the rest of his night was meant to be an absolute shit show. And in retrospect he should have seen it coming, he'd been looking the warning signs dead in the face all night and had the nerve to be surprised when Genma tried to start a fight with another bar patron.
At this point in the night it was only himself, Anko and Genma left from their little group, the others having had missions and duties to get to the following morning. And Raidō had apologized to Anko without fucking that up, so he had mistakenly thought things were going in his favor. The resonating shout of "What the fuck did you call me?!" had him harshly pulled back to reality. He and Anko both looked up to see Genma standing nose to nose (more like nose to chest, holy fuck that guy is huge)with another person, hands balled into fists and a look of drunken fury on his face.
The other guy for his part didn't look too put off, which surprised Raidō a bit, because even drunk and unarmed, a shinobi like Genma was dangerous. But as he watched the guy cross his arms and shift his stance defensively, Raidō realized the stranger was also a shinobi, of what rank he wasn't sure though. Taking in his broad build and tanned skin, dark hair cut into a sort of Mohawk and the brightest green eyes he'd seen since he'd met Sakura, Raidō distantly remembered seeing him in the missions office from time to time.
Looking down at the smaller man with an annoyed expression he said
"Look just get out if my way Shiranui, I've got orders from the Hokage to bring Anko Mitarashi to her office immediately." Anko stood up swiftly before Genma had a chance to open his mouth again "Alright, alright Nanashi."
Ahh right. Nanashi Taka .
Anko and Taka disappeared and Genma was left looking even more pissed off than before. " 'at stupid fucker! Shoulda beat 'is face in." Raidō sighed and made his way over to where his friend was leaning heavily against the bar top. "Alright Gen, time to go home. Close your tab while I get your stuff." Genma just grunted in response and the taller brunette went and grabbed Genma's smokes and house keys off of their table along with his own wallet before walking back over to the bar where Genma was facedown on the bar top and groaning. Shaking his head and glancing at the receipt on the counter Raidō pulled Genma's arm over his shoulder.
36 bucks? The drinks here are affordable but they aren't super cheap, how is he this wasted? I've run up a 100$ tab here and not been this trashed.
"Yo were you bumming off Kotetsu's tab you leach?" He asked amusedly as he pulled Genma back in the direction of his apartment. Genma glared and leaned against him all of a sudden, almost knocking them both over. "No, jus' that one off yours. Fuck, 'm dizzy." Genma pushed away from him to stand on his own which lasted for a grand total of about 10 seconds before he grabbed Raidō's sleeve as he suddenly leaned forward and proceeded to throw up everything he'd drank in the past 4 hours. The other jonin sighed and grabbed the smaller man's shoulder to make sure he didn't fall over in his own puke, because as funny as it would be he knew he'd never hear the end of it.
"Shit Gen, are you gonna make it?" A tug at his sleeve was the only answer he was given as Genma threw up again, the smell of whiskey and stomach acid invading his nose and Raidō frowned as Genma took a steadying breath through his mouth and out of his nose and stood up straight(ish), face pale and hair sticking to his face with sweat.
"Did you eat anything today? Raidō asked, already knowing the answer before Genma shook his head.
"No, guess I just forgot b'tween all the commotion today and falling 'sleep after I got home." He slurred thoughtfully, looking over at his friend. "
You actually forgot or you forgot on purpose?"
Genma's eyebrows creased as he looked at Raidō like he had six eyes." The fuck's that even mean?"
"Forget it, lets just get you home ok?" Genma grunted and pawed at Raidō's shoulders "Oi oi what the hell? I am not about to carry you home." The brunette sputtered, batting at Genma's grabbing hands. "Rai come on, I feel like hot garbage, I'm shitbag wasted, and we're like 3 miles from my place. Pleeease?" He whined as he continued in his self appointed mission to scale the other man like he was a fucking pine tree. "Really it's in your best interest to let me do this, otherwise we might not get back for another hour or so and you look like you're reaalllyyy tired."
Fucking tell me about it.
Giving a long suffering sigh Raidō let Genma climb on his back and he hooked his arms under the other's thighs, as Genma rested his chin on top of his friends head and stared off into the distance. Raidō noted rather guiltily that Genma was a fair bit lighter than he remembered him being. Damn, has he really been losing weight and I didn't notice? Maybe something serious is going on with him...
His mind traveled back to Anko telling him about the psych evaluation and the more he thought about how Genma had been acting the past months the worse he felt.
"Hey Rai...?" A soft voice pulled him from his thoughts and he 'hmm'ed softly to let Genma know he was listening.
"I..I'm sorry, about lately. I know I've been kind of a shit lately and.. thank you for putting up with it. With me, yeah? It means a lot."
Raidō smiled softly and leaned his head back some against Genma's throat.
"Genma you're my best friend and I love the fuck out of you, I don't put up with you, I'm with you, no matter what, through any thing. Partners till the end." He wanted to say more but he was too drunk, too tired, and too acutely aware how much he cared for his best friend and too unaware of exactly what Genma's real mental state was, he just hoped his small speech had been enough so dispel any fears Genma seemed to have about him not putting up with his shit. The only response he got was a small purr as Genma buried his nose in Raidō's spiky brown hair, letting the familiar scent of cedar and ash comfort him. "Love the fuck out of you too Raidō."
The light shining into his eyes first thing in the morning should have been his first clue that this whole day was going to be fuckey. But hey, hindsight and all that jazz. As it was, the only thing Genma Shirunai could focus on at the current moment was the absolutely unapologetic headache he currently had, which was being magnified by the sun shining directly into his fucking retna. Groaning and trying to figure out what was what, the brunette sat up slowly, trying to spare his poor head any more pain and belatedly noticed that he had fallen asleep upside down on his bed. That would explain why why he was blind at the moment, as the foot of his bed was the only part that the sunlight reached during any time of the day.
"Ugh." Running a shaky hand through his hair and grimacing at how greasy it felt, the jonin made his way unsteadily into the bathroom connected to his small bedroom and flipped the light on, making him wince at more bright lights so early.
Turning on the sink and letting the water get warm Genma looked at himself in the mirror, arms braced against the counter on either side of the basin. His hair was even more of a mess than it had been last night, the soft waves gone and his hair was sticking out in every possible direction, knots everywhere, bangs sticking to his forehead. The dark rings under his eyes and the paleness of his normally sunkissed skin made him look like something that crawled out of the crypt. Letting his eyes trail farther down he noted that his collarbone stuck out more sharply than it used to, his ribs rising closer to the surface if his skin, hip bones pressing sharply into the fake marble counter top as he looked away to splash hot water in his face and hair. Leaning down he rinsed his mouth out a few times, trying to get rid of the taste of stale booze and tobacco before turning the water off and grabbing a dirty shirt off the floor and using it to dry his face off before pulling the shirt on as he made his way out into his living room.
The sight that greeted him wasn't unusual or out of the ordinary it was simply Raidō, laying on his couch like he belonged there. Which he did. Raidō belonged anywhere Genma was. They were basically attached at the hip, had been for years and that was something Genma did not want to ever change. He'd be lost without the taller man honestly. He was such a constant fixture in nearly every part of Genma's life that the thought of Raidou not being there made Genma...edgey, nervous, and uncomfortable. Hell, it wouldn't even sound right listening to other people talk about them, because for the past 24 years it had been "Genma and Raidō" or "Rai and Gen."
They almost never heard their names spoken independently of the other's. Genma was distantly aware that he felt very cold as he felt himself break into a slight sweat and was mildly annoyed to feel his heart rate start to increase. Fucking Sage, here he was at the crack of fucking dawn standing in his living room like some asshole, staring dumbly at his best friend while his body decided for him that it was going to have a fucking panic attack to start the day off.
Fucking lovely.
Eyes closing in barely concealed panic, Genma tried to get his breathing under control before his friend woke up and saw him having a full-blown freak out for no fucking reason. "Gen?" the senbon users eyes snapped open, scanning over his destroyed living room until they landed on his friend's tired face, half-lidded eyes gazing at him lazily. "Yo'ok?" He asked quietly, words somewhat meshed together in his sleepy state. Genma nodded, his friends voice calming him slightly, the soothing baritone helping ground him to the here and now.
Raidō gazed at him for a few moments, as if contemplating what to say next while the shorter of the two was doing his best to get his heart to beat at a semi- normal pace. When Genma decided his little episode was mostly under control he took a step forward only to have the world tilt wildly for a few seconds, causing him to grab onto the door frame to keep from busting his ass.
"Oh fuck, I'm still drunk." He couldn't believe it, he hadn't had that much to drink last night had he? Shit. He hadn't been that (this?) wasted in a long time.
Raidō sat up and stretched his his arms over his head, his shirt riding up a bit and Genma made a point too look anywhere but the toned flesh directly in front of him, instead holding his arm out "Oi, help me to the kitchen, I need caffeine." Raidō rolled his eyes but stood up and took the offered hand, pulling Genma into the small kitchenette rather than helping him walk. "Coffee is the last thing you need right now, try water you degenerate." The taller man said, handing him a bottle of water from the pack sitting on top of the fridge before opening the door and frowning when he found it basically empty. "Genma what the hell, you know food is supposed to go in here right?" He asked in an annoyed tone before grabbing a bottle of water for himself and leaning against the counter to look at his friend. Genma had most of his upper body sprawled across the counter top with his eyes closed.
"Haha you're hilarious, yeah sorry I've been busy doing all that shit for Tsunade, you know, just like you, Aoba, and Iwashi have too?"
"Excuses excuses. We can pick some stuff up when we go out later, Tsunade isn't expecting us in until 3 today so we've got plenty of time."
"Eh," Genma said, leaning up off the counter "Go out where?"
Raidō shook his head and put his empty water bottle down on the counter. Sometimes he wanted to choke Genma, he really did. "Come on go get dressed." He said pushing his smaller friend in the direction of his bedroom. Genma groaned but didn't complain much beyond that and Raidō looked around at the disaster of a living room and wondered how long it was going to take to clean all this up.
