SONIC HIGH SCHOOL: The Remake

CHAPTER ONE

Sonic scrambled to brush his teeth and lace up his red high-top sneakers. He dashed from room to room, bouncing around much like the ball in a pinball machine.

As he barreled past the kitchen doorway, Sonic's nose picked up the aroma of fresh, sizzling bacon. His mother, standing by the stove and wearing an apron and oven mitts, called out to him. "Sonic! There's two strips of bacon and an egg left over if you're hungry!"

The temptation was strong, but Sonic knew he'd have to force himself to resist it. He shook his head. "Sorry, no time for breakfast!" he blurted back, throwing on his backpack and running past her.

Sonic's mom's surroundings turned red, and dark clouds gathered around her, emitting flashes of lightning. "You will regret this," she threatened in a soft, deep growl, leering at the place in the hallway where Sonic once stood.

Sonic was indifferent to his mother's warning. He would never make it to homeroom on time if he stopped to eat breakfast. He raced out the front door, slamming it so hard the sound ringed and echoed throughout the house. The passing houses became blurs around him as he shot down the sidewalk. As he approached the intersection between his house and the bus stop, he heard a familiar "vroom" and craned his neck around to see the school bus crest over the hill, quickly whizzing past him. Then there was a loud metallic clang, and Sonic felt his body collide with something hard. Because he was not looking where he was going, he had smashed at Mach 3 into a mailbox.

Shaking his head to clear his blurry vision, Sonic stood up and stared in disbelief as the bus drove through the intersection... just seconds before the light turned red and the pedestrian signal changed to "DON'T WALK". The bus left behind big black exhaust clouds, which caused the hedgehog to cough and retch violently.

Damn it, Sonic, he thought, internally chastising himself. You're going to miss the bus, and on your first day of twelfth grade, too!

After what seemed like an hour's wait, the signal finally proclaimed "WALK". Sonic raced through the intersection, and in the distance, he could just make out his friends Tails and Knuckles at the bus stop, boarding the bus.

"Wait! Stop! Don't leave yet!" shouted Sonic, by now beginning to tire from running so long. He suddenly wished he hadn't spent his summer playing the Gears of War series in his room.

Tails turned to the rapidly growing blue ball on the horizon. "What-? Sonic?!" he sputtered.

Sonic slowed to a stop in front of the steps to the bus, huffing and puffing harder than the Big Bad Wolf. "Tails! Knuckles!" he panted. "I made it!"

"Hey, buddy!" said Tails, giving Sonic a hug. "For a second, we thought you got that flu that's been spreading around town."

"It's a shame he didn't," Knuckles lamented.

Sonic raised an eyebrow at Knuckles as the three of them headed into the bus. Upon boarding, Sonic paused for a second to admire his bright red and white shoes. Thanks, little buddies. I never would have made it without you guys.

Sonic and Tails found an empty seat around the middle of the bus and sat down in it. Tails noticed that Knuckles had already taken the bench behind them, and had spread out as wide as possible to the point where he took up the whole seat.

"I'm so bad," laughed Knuckles to himself. "Hey, look, everybody!" he yelled in an obnoxious tone of voice to everyone else on the school bus. "I'm taking up the whole seat even thought it's meant for two passengers!"

No one else cared.

Tails rolled his eyes as the bus started to move. "He thinks he's so evil for taking up two seats on the bus," he scoffed.

"Eh, Dr. Eggman is evil. All he is is annoying," Sonic replied. He scratched the area between his legs and sighed. Why was he still friends with Knuckles anyway? As far as Sonic knew, he had always been a prick.

Sonic's mind flashed back to the first day of second grade, when he and Knuckles first met.

...

Sonic took a bite out of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, trying to block out the sound of the other kids' noisy, overlapping conversations. It seemed that all the other students wanted to do was either yell the word "penis" to each other over and over, throw food at each other, or talk about how "hot" Justin Beaver was. Since Sonic didn't want to do any of that, he chose to sit by himself near the back of the cafeteria. His friend and confidant, Tails, who usually ate with him, was absent for a reason Sonic had since forgotten.

"Whoooa! Is that PB&J?!"

Sonic jumped when he heard the voice. He turned to his right and saw a red echidna towering over him.

"Uhh... yeah, it is," hesitated Sonic, uncomfortably. "W-what's your name?"

"Knuckles. Can I have a bite of that?" the echidna asked.

"...sure?" Sonic squeaked out, wanting this strange new kid to leave him alone. Before he could say another word, Knuckles ripped the sandwich out of his hand and crammed the whole thing into his mouth. Sonic was beside himself with fury.

"Mrs. Davidson!" he shouted. "Some little twerp just stole my sandwich!"

"Sonic, what have I told you about calling other kids names?" scolded Mrs. Davidson, the lunch monitor. "Do you want me to call your parents?"

Knuckles was guffawing as Sonic buried his face in his tray.

...

Sonic snapped out of his flashback when the bus drove over a speed bump. He watched Mobius High School grow bigger and bigger out the window as the bus turned into the parking lot.

When the bus stopped, Tails, Knuckles, and Sonic (as well as a few dozen background extras that are completely irrelevant to the story's progression) climbed out of it. "We're at school now. Time to go to class!" stated Tails matter-of-factly. A few people behind him who heard him groaned aloud.

Charmy Bee flicked Tails' left ear as he passed him. "You know, Tails, for a rocket scientist, you sure say stupid stuff sometimes."


Sonic allowed himself to reminisce somewhat as he slowly walked through the hallways. Although the lockers had been repainted in a glossy shade of cerulean over the summer, the inside of the school remained largely the same as he had remembered them for the past three years. He smiled as he remembered when Tails' voice started cracking right before the school singing competition and chuckled to himself at the memory of Espio tripping and tipping into Mr. Randall, leading to what can only be described as an anthropomorphic set of dominoes.

He even remembered the day he met Amy at the tenth grade Christmas party. Ever since then, they had had major crushes on each other. Sonic tingled with excitement at the thought of her flowing pink fur and started fantasizing about their lips finally touching each other. Oh, Amy, you have no idea how much I want to kiss you all over, thought Sonic, dreamily pulling his textbooks close to his chest.

He started kissing his books.

Sloppily.

In a public school building.

Smack dab in the main hallway.

When Sonic realized what he was doing, his eyes smashed open and his pupils shrank. He scanned the area. "Oh, God, I hope nobody saw that," he whispered, stealthily backpacking his books and tiptoeing away in shame.

As the hedgehog made his way to homeroom in room 306, a rather large purple cat peeked down at him from on top of a vending machine and smirked.


"Hello, everybody, and welcome to twelfth grade. My name is Mrs. Linda... Fox." Mrs. Fox wrote her name on the blackboard and circled it.

"Good morning, Mrs. Fox," droned the class in monotone, not completely in sync.

"...rs. Fox," a couple of voices were heard trailing off after everyone else had spoken.

"I will be your homeroom and English teacher this year," continued Mrs. Fox. Mrs. Fox was tall and thin and had gray fur and she was not pretty.

Sonic did not care much for English; neither did he any class that did not regard running and going fast. The closest thing to that was track and field, and that, therefore, was his favorite thing pertaining to high school. Last year, it had rained for practically half the school year, and Sonic was unable to speed around the track as much as he wanted. Maybe this year would be different, he hoped.

Led by the school's P.A. announcer, the class saluted the Mobian flag and recited the Mobian Pledge of Allegiance. The whole time, Sonic's eyes circled around the room searching for Amy. But she wasn't in the room at all. Where was she? She wasn't sick, as he had remembered seeing her earlier chatting with her friend Cream near the back of the bus. She must have gotten into the gifted English class, he assumed. Sonic was disappointed that his girlfriend wasn't in his class with him. While he was looking around, he thought he saw a shadow behind him and heard a soft ripping noise, but paid it no mind.

"Please be seated," said Mrs. Fox after the morning announcements ended, opening her lesson book. "Today we will briefly overview the process of composing a well-written narrative." She turned the page. "Dear journal, I'm not sure what's going on, but I think I've gotten some terrible disease."

At this, the students started giving each other confused glances. Mrs. Fox kept reading, nonchalantly.

"You see, my scrotum has been itching uncontrollably over the past week, and nothing I've tried has helped ease my discomfort. Brushing up against anything makes the itch worse, so I have to sit in awkward positions to keep comfortable."

A few people began to snicker.

"I've tried rash cream, but it only makes my nutsack burn really bad. I can't stand it any longer. I'm about to ask my mom to set me up a doctor's appointment. I really hope it's not cancer. Signed, Sonic the—Sonic the Hedgehog?!" Mrs. Fox's eyes widened with shock as she finally realized that this was not part of the book.

By now, the whole class had erupted with uproarious laughter. Sonic, who, up to this point, was too busy daydreaming about going on a date with Amy to pay attention, heard everyone else laughing and was puzzled. Glancing around the room, he saw that even Tails, who was sitting to his left, had his face pressed into his desk and was shaking with giggles. Sonic tapped his best friend on the shoulder and asked, "Hey, uh, what is everyone laughing about?"

Tails looked at Sonic. His cheeks were red and he was so hysterical that he was barely able to talk. "Mrs. Fox... is... reading about... bah-ha-ha... your balls!" he finally managed to explain between bouts of cackling.

"My what?!" Sonic shouted in incredulity, before the reality of what was going on set in. She was reading his journal. "Holy... Mrs. Fox! Wait! No! Stop reading that!" he pleaded.

"It's too late, Sonic," interrupted a voice from behind him. It was Rouge the Bat, who struggled to hold back another wave of giggles in an attempt to be sympathetic. "She already... mmff... read it all."

"But my journal's right here on the desk! How is she even..." Sonic began, flipping through his journal and finding that the page describing his "disease" had been crudely torn out. "...huh?"

"All right, who's the wise guy who taped this into my book?" yelled Mrs. Fox, holding up the offending page of paper for the class to see. "Was it you, Sonic?"

"Ma'am, I-I have no idea who did this," Sonic told her, honestly having no idea what had happened.

The teacher narrowed her eyes. "Mmm-hmmmmm," she muttered, a hint of suspicion present in her voice. "Then who did?"

From the back of the class, Big the Cat raised his hand. "Oh! Oh! I know who did it, Mrs. Smocks! It was me...shit, I mean Shadow! Damn it!" To tell the truth, Big the Cat was not a very good liar. Nor was he good at remembering people's names. "Okay, it was me."

Mrs. Fox gasped. "Big!"

"But why, Big?" asked Sonic, his cheeks turning redder by the second.

"You deserve it, Sonic," retorted Big. "You were acting like a total weirdo earlier, kissing your books like a little gaywad."

"Oh, yeah? And what's wrong with being a 'little gaywad'?" Charmy Bee countered, offended.

"Shut up, midget boy," Big snarled back.

"Big the Cat!" screeched Mrs. Fox, getting his attention. "I have had enough of your complete disrespect for your fellow classmates!" She pointed toward the door. "Principal's office, immediately!"

Big exited the room, grumbling in defeat. English class continued without a hitch after that, but Sonic couldn't focus on the lecture. He kept hearing the other students snicker from time to time, and while the teacher didn't notice it, he certainly did.

He kicked an empty Sprite can as he trudged through the hallway on his way to second period. He couldn't believe it—his own friends laughing at him for having a rash that just happened to be in an embarrassing place, even Tails. He felt denigrated and absolutely mortified. He looked away when he spotted Tails by his locker, unable to face him after how he laughed at him like that.

"Hey, Sonic?"

Sonic heard Tails whisper his name.

"Don't talk to me," he sighed in response, crossing his arms.

Tails, using his two tails as helicopter rotors, flew over Sonic, turned to face him, and landed. "Look, Sonic, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at your journal entry. It was just that Mrs. Lesson was reading it to the class and—"

"Sorry, Tails, I gotta go to history class," said Sonic, walking away.

"—and y-you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with having problems with your balls. I'm sure a lot of other people here are having problems they'd rather keep private, too, and you should go point that out to people and tell them, 'Hey! It's not okay for you to make fun of me like that! I'm a person, too, you know!' That'll teach 'em! You have every right to be treated with dignity and understanding, buddy, and I'm going to stand right by you all the way, Sonic! Uh...Sonic?" Tails finally realized that Sonic was gone and that he was talking and gesticulating to nobody.

About twenty feet away, Sonic found Rouge and Amy talking by the lockers. At least Amy didn't know about his itchy scrotum, Sonic thought, relieved. He waved at her. "Hi, Amy! Where were you first period?"

"Oh, hey, Sonic!" Amy chirped. "I'm in the gifted English class. But don't worry, we'll be together in most of the other classes!"

"So were you telling Rouge about how we held hands last week?" asked Sonic, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a while.

"Uh, actually, Rouge was telling me about how you apparently have this awful rash on your crotch and everyone found out earlier."

And with that, Sonic silently stepped over to his locker, unlocked it, stuck his head in, inhaled, and screamed as loudly and for as long as he could.

"What's with him?" Amy wondered.

"It must be the asbestos in the ceiling getting to him," Rouge shrugged, pointing upward.