Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 4
EPISODE 13
Airdate: May 1, 2016
"The Project from Hell"
Special Guest Stars: Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all chatting amongst themselves before class starts, including the boys.
RK: I'm just saying, those fruit snacks were stale is all I'm saying.
WADE: So why did you eat all of them?
RK: Because, Wade, I like to start what I finish. What is this, an interview?
Mr. Frax comes in and everyone begins to settle down.
MR. FRAX: People, may I have your attention?
RK: You always have my attention, Mr. Frax.
SPARKY: Ewww.
MR. FRAX: I wanted to announce that in three weeks, a group project is due. You will all come together as a team, write a report, and create a presentation on the ancient civilization of your choosing. This will conclude our unit on ancient world history.
WADE: A group project like that sounds like a capital idea!
BUSTER: Wait, is this the kind of project where I have to work with other people?
WADE: Yeah. That's why it's called a group project.
BUSTER: Oh shit, I hate working with other people.
SPARKY: What if I was on your team for the project?
BUSTER: Sparky, that's a hypothetical and I appreciate your attitude, but I don't want to make any assumptions yet.
MR. FRAX: Okay, since there are twenty of you guys, I will make five teams of four. And the teams are as follows...
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Mr. Frax's class leaves the room as the boys think about what happened.
SPARKY: Wow. What are the odds that we were all put on the same team?
RK: Well, it's TV, so the odds were pretty damn good.
SPARKY: What?
RK: Nothing.
WADE: Well, no matter who gets put on my team, the mission is the same as it's been on every project: To work to the best of our abilities and get an excellent grade.
SPARKY: And you're going to get it, Wade. Because nobody beats Testicular Sound Express when we work as a team. Right, Buster?
BUSTER: What? Oh yeah, sure, the team project. Hey, did you guys know that Mr. Frax put us all on the same team? That's unbelievable. When has that ever happened before?
SPARKY: Why are you repeating everything that's been said before?
WADE: I'm looking through my project notebook and it looks like since we became a group on the first day of fourth grade, we've never been put together for group work.
Wade's notebook shows that his project partners have never involved anyone from the group.
RK: You have a project notebook?
WADE: Of course. I keep track of all my major assignments. How else will I remember them?
RK: Boy, your life is a circus. Well, I'm headed to my next class. You know, I actually have a good feeling about this project.
BUSTER: Yup, the project. Hey RK, wait up!
RK: I haven't left yet. But sure, I can talk with you. I have a lot of tiny little thoughts I like to get off my chest.
Buster follows RK while Sparky looks at Wade.
WADE: What is it?
SPARKY: Nothing, I just thought you were going to talk next. But yeah, this project is going to be a slam dunk. Sparky and Wade, the best of the best going at it. Mr. Frax isn't going to know what hit him.
WADE: That's exactly the kind of attitude we need to get an A-plus or better. Hey, why don't we round up the guys later today and decide what civilization we're going to report on?
SPARKY: Sure. Let's do it at my place.
WADE: Like there's any other place to do it.
SPARKY: I know, right?
Meanwhile, RK and Buster are at their lockers.
BUSTER: RK, I don't know about this project. It's setting up to be a huge disaster.
RK: What? Are you on crack or something? This is the best thing that could have ever happened to us. Well, either that or being the Monopoly man. Before he got arrested for tax evasion and shot in jail, he was doing pretty well for himself.
BUSTER: Look, it's just a feeling I have. Remember when Sparky and I were roommates last year? We thought we could make it work because we're best friends but that was a disaster too.
RK: Well, yeah, but that's because the universe hates you. I don't know why, but the world seems to cause you a lot of pain.
BUSTER: Wow, thank you for giving me another reason to wake up every morning. And why are you so excited about this project? You know you're not going to do any work.
RK: That's the beauty part, mi amigo. This is a Sparky and Wade project. Wade's a control freak and Sparky will most likely keep me from doing anything that will screw up the assignment. Trust me, all we have to do is show up, bring snacks, give them encouragement, and make sure that A-plus is shined up real nice on our report cards.
BUSTER: But we're not actually doing anything!
RK: Buster, that's the whole point of a group project. There's always one or two people that never work on shit, and we have to answer the call. As God as my witness, I will honor school project tradition by being as lazy as I can possibly be.
BUSTER: I'm going to get dragged down in this too, aren't I?
RK: Well, hey, if you don't want to eat Oreos while not doing any work, be my guest.
BUSTER: Wait, we're getting Oreos? Hell yeah, I can be lazy for that!
RK: Awesome. This is going to work out better than that time where...where...where Jaylynn and Anja...had their own project? I don't know, whatever, just cut to them.
SCENE 3
Northgate Community Center
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Anja are headed to the community center through Anja grabbing Jaylynn's hand.
JAYLYNN: Anja, what are we doing here? Poetry day's not even today.
ANJA: That's the problem, Jaylynn. Could I tell you something that happened last night?
JAYLYNN: You had a dream about a very special person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
ANJA: No. I had a dream that I was no longer interested in poetry. I don't want that day to come where I lose my passion and realize I never tried anything else. So I want to see what else is out there for me.
JAYLYNN: But what does any of that have to do with me?
ANJA: You're my best friend and I want to do everything with you.
JAYLYNN: Aww, Anja, that's sweet. But not sweet enough, I'm out of here.
ANJA: Hey. Anja Saleh does not play the sweet card. You know I have a smart mouth, girl.
JAYLYNN: Alright, let's get this over with. I was supposed to go rollerblading with KG but I guess I can move that.
ANJA: You still hang out with him?
JAYLYNN: Yes. He's my friend's brother, these things happen.
ANJA: Oh. I just assumed he hated you and didn't want to hang out with you anymore.
JAYLYNN: Anja, community center, remember?
ANJA: Oh yeah, right. Let's go inside.
Jaylynn and Anja walk inside and decide to look at the bulletin board for new classes.
JAYLYNN: You know, I've been here so many times and I never noticed how tacky the color scheme is.
ANJA: Hey, look, there's a whole bunch of adult education courses opening up on the second floor. Origami, fencing, breakfast nook sprucing.
JAYLYNN: Anja, this has been on my mind for a while, but how come we don't take any classes with kids our age?
ANJA: Because kids don't come here at all.
JAYLYNN: You bald-faced liar, I see kids come here all the time! Why are you trying to slowly take away the remaining years of my childhood?
ANJA: Let's just go to the second floor and see what we find.
A few minutes later, Jaylynn and Anja are on the second floor and look around for classes that might interest them.
JAYLYNN: Hey, look, a class on professional clowning. We could do that.
ANJA: Oh yeah, that's exciting. Spending the rest of our lives riding around in small cars and wearing makeup and making fools out of ourselves.
JAYLYNN: Look, I know Gene Simmons is kind of a prick, but you shouldn't diss him like that. And anyway, if it's not this class, then it has to be the hobo class.
ANJA: I guess we could take a look inside.
Jaylynn slightly opens the door to the hobo education class taught by an actual old man who has completely blackened feet and a scraggly beard.
HOBO: Now, the important thing is, when you have a squirrel in your hand and it's dead, you should do all you can to preserve its nutrients and goodness.
MALE STUDENT: What about fondling it?
HOBO: That kind of filth is not being taught in this class anymore! You should have made it to last week's meeting, Jeff.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I'm bored, let's go. Anja? Anja?
ANJA: I'm over here, Jaylynn!
Jaylynn goes to where Anja is and looks at the sign for the class on the door.
JAYLYNN: "Community Outreach?" You have to be kidding me.
ANJA: Come on, in you go.
Jaylynn and Anja walk into the class and they are surrounded by three men and three women wearing blue shirts that all say "Community Outreach Project 2016."
JAYLYNN: This shit is a drop.
ANJA: Shut up. I'm Anja Saleh and this is my friend Jaylynn. We're here to sit in on this class and see what we can do for our community.
BRADLEY: Hello, little girls. My name is Bradley and welcome to today's session. This is the team that showed up last week, and if you guys showed up last week, you wouldn't have missed out on Steve's lemon squares.
STEVE: It's true. They were pretty damn good.
ANJA: Eh, I'm not really into sweets like that. But what's the point of this class?
BRADLEY: Well, with this course, our task is to figure out ways we can help the people of Seattle with ideas that benefit the community. Public events, recreational activities, programs to minimize the unemployment rate. Stuff like that.
ANJA: Hey, that's kinda cool. Isn't it, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, it's community service mania over here. Wait a minute...mania. Have you guys ever thought about getting WrestleMania here?
BRADLEY: Well, WrestleMania is an enormous event. We would love to try and organize a committee to host it, but that's a lot of work we're just not willing to do. Maybe you guys could work on that and we'll see if the idea is feasible at next week's class.
JAYLYNN: Awesomesauce! Anja, we're doing this. We're going to become heroes for life by getting Seattle to host WrestleMania.
ANJA: What the freak is WrestleMania?
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The boys are sitting around the room thinking about the upcoming project.
WADE: Okay, so which ancient civilization are we going with?
BUSTER: We could do Egypt.
WADE: I don't know, it's too predictable.
BUSTER: Predictable how?
WADE: I don't know how, Egypt's just so...expected, it rubs me the wrong way.
BUSTER: Greece?
SPARKY: Now I can get down with ancient Greece.
WADE: You know what? That actually is a pretty good idea.
RK: Eh, you guys aren't really moving me with these suggestions. We need something big.
SPARKY: What's bigger than ancient Greece?
RK: Um, Rome? The land of gladiators, pizza, spaghetti, cigarettes, mobsters, it's all there. What does Greece have? A bunch of sweaty-necked guys in spandex and the Olympics.
BUSTER: You know what, he does have a point about the spandex.
SPARKY: Well, ancient Rome had Julius Caesar. We could write a whole report on that man.
WADE: I don't know. I think we're going to have to decide the only way we know how.
20 MINUTES LATER...
RK and Wade are playing musical chairs as "Pop Goes the Weasel" plays in the background. There is only one chair left and both of them are stalking the other. Sparky is in control of the music.
BUSTER: I can't believe I forgot how to play this game.
RK: Wade, one thing I have that you don't is reaction time. My reaction time is so quick, it's like Jose Reyes making instant oatmeal.
WADE: That's true, but you can never come close to my fine mind. I have a strategy that works against any and all opponents in this game.
RK: Yeah, like what?
WADE: Dude, your fly's down.
RK: Oh, that tired cliche? Come on, man, you could outsmart me better than that. I mean, it's not even clever. My fly is down? What year is this, 1983? That trick is old-school, Wade, preschool level. Cavemen were using that trick when your ancestors weren't even an idea. And now you sit there, disrespect my intelligence with...
Wade sits down at that point.
WADE: I win.
RK: SON OF A BITCH! You had me rambling like Sparky just now.
SPARKY: Hey, I don't ramble. You know who really rambles? Grandpappy MacDougal. I remember, it was the family reunion of...
The boys all give Sparky annoyed looks.
SPARKY: Fine, I'll just save it for later. What are you going with, Wade?
WADE: Well, ancient Rome does have its charms. Plus, we really don't need to do a whole bunch of work for it so I go with Rome.
SPARKY: Alright! Well, here's the plan I'm proposing. RK, you help write the report with Wade. Buster, you and I can do a script where we reenact the death of Julius Caesar. By the time we're done, we're going to have the best project iCarly Elementary's ever seen.
BUSTER: Seriously, how do you play this game again? I have no idea why we chose it.
SCENE 5
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is watching TV while Anja is on her computer in another room.
VOICEOVER: Coming to Fox this fall, from the makers of Family Guy...
JAYLYNN: Please, like they need another show.
ANJA: What are you watching?
JAYLYNN: Just a commercial for this stupid-ass show. Why can't adult cartoons be more like that other show about the kids and their adventures?
ANJA: South Park?
JAYLYNN: No, the other one, the one that comes on Sundays with those girls and the boy?
ANJA: Oh yeah. That show's okay, I guess. I feel like it's just a ripoff of every show the creator watches.
JAYLYNN: That's not true. The characters have great personalities and they actually do stuff instead of just telling lame jokes all the time.
ANJA: I love the Hindu character though. She reminds me so much of me.
JAYLYNN: Of course, you want to imagine you're her. So why did you come here again?
ANJA: To do research on this WrestleMania thing. Apparently, there have been 32 of them since 1985 and Seattle already hosted it back in 2003.
JAYLYNN: Yeah. That's why we should get it back here. Everyone would love it. I have it all worked out. The actual WrestleMania would be at CenturyLink Field, the Hall of Fame ceremony the night before would be at the KeyArena, and all the WrestleMania Week stuff could be at Northgate. It's almost like a convention center.
ANJA: Wow, Jaylynn, you really thought this out.
JAYLYNN: Well, when you're friends with four WWE-crazed weirdos, you pick up on a lot of stuff.
ANJA: Do you really think we can get this event? I mean, cities actually bid on this shit, I didn't think it was such a big deal.
JAYLYNN: Of course we can. We're young, we're smart, we're ambitious, we're somewhat appealing. All we need is attention and we'll be set.
ANJA: Well, the earliest we can rally for is 2018 because they already decided on next year.
JAYLYNN: Wow, it's like, I didn't even know that already, thank you for pointing that out. I wouldn't have known that if you didn't tell me.
ANJA: Shut up before I smack you.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK walks in the school with shades on and heads towards his locker when he sees Buster at the water fountain. He changes direction and heads to the fountain where he slaps the back of Buster's neck.
RK: What's up, buddy?
BUSTER: I told you, I hate it when you do that.
RK: Calm down, you're not dead. So what's up?
BUSTER: I had a nightmare, man. A horrible nightmare.
RK: What, was it a repeat of the one where Anja forgot to wear...
BUSTER: NO, IT WASN'T THAT.
RK: Yeah, I actually thought about switching schools after you told me that. So yeah, what was it about?
BUSTER: I had a nightmare we were beating the holy hell out of each other because the project didn't turn out well. I'm telling you, man, I have a bad feeling about this.
RK: Buster, you're over-thinking this. All you have to do is be lazy and get a reward for absolutely no effort. I've mastered that technique for years, I don't know why you're struggling so much.
BUSTER: Maybe it's because I know Mr. Frax made a mistake having us all on one team.
RK: Hey, never speak ill of that sexy man. Look, things are going to work out the way they're supposed to work out. It's like what Dave Chappelle always says, "When things work out, stop telling me to do more motherf***ing episodes, I'm in the middle of a quote."
BUSTER: He actually said that?
RK: It's alleged.
SCENE 7
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is on the phone with RK.
WADE: RK, are you coming or what? We have to break ground on the written component of our project.
RK: Wade, babe, I'm sorry, but I have a sore throat right now and I don't want to infect you with my Jennings throat soreness so I can't make it in today.
WADE: The hell are you talking about? Your grade is on the line here!
RK: I understand that and I apologize for the inconvenience, but listen. I'll make it up to you tomorrow. I'll be there writing and shit, it's all good, but in my condition right now, it's just not going to work out.
WADE: Alright, fine. I'll start writing today but I expect you to be here tomorrow ready to work.
RK: I hear you, Mordecai. Peace.
Wade hangs up.
WADE: Mordecai?
At the Jennings house, KG walks up to RK after overhearing the conversation from the stairs.
KG: You don't have a sore throat.
RK: Dude, seriously, I get that your generation likes to pry, but personal space is a birthright.
KG: We're from the same generation.
RK: Look, old man, I don't have time to get technical. I'm trying to see which TV show puts me to sleep the fastest.
KG: Why fake the sore throat? I mean, I don't care that much, but I want answers that I'm pretty sure you have.
RK: Because I'm a method actor, KG. We have this project at school, and as usual, they want everybody to pull their weight and do some work. And as usual, I flip the bird and say, "School? Go f*** yourself." So I decided to be as lazy as possible to get out of having to do any work. Pretty impressive, huh?
KG: Not really. Sounds like a cliche plot on TV or something.
RK: Hey, don't talk shit about the TV. Earl is a member of our family and he shall be treated with respect and dignity.
KG: And you say kids my age are crazy. You know what, RK? I think it's time...
RK: NO, DON'T DO IT, PLEASE SPARE ME THIS TIME! Give me a spanking, anything else, JUST DON'T DO IT!
KG: You don't even know what it's time for.
RK: Of course I know. It's time for another one of your world-famous "back in my day" stories where you ironically did something very similar to what I'm doing right now. Chances are, it doesn't end well, there's no lesson behind it, and you probably already forgot what the hell the point of the story is.
KG has a blank look on his face and then looks down at the floor for a second.
KG: Well, since there's no point in telling the story now, I'm just going to go straight to Denise's house like I planned.
RK: Wait, you're not even going to try telling me the story?
KG: Nope, because chances are, you're not going to appreciate it anyway. You ungrateful little shit.
KG leaves the house and Mrs. Tuxedo Pants walks in immediately afterwards.
RK: I'm grateful for a lot of things. Aren't I, girl? Hey, whatever you do, don't end up like KG, am I right? Of course I'm not, you're a f***ing cat, you don't even talk. Why can't you talk?
SCENE 8
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Buster is looking in his locker for something and he finds a book at the far end of it.
BUSTER: What the...The Essential Collection of Alvin Ailey. Wait a minute, this is for dance class, I never took dance class!
Buster throws the book away and when he turns around, Sparky is there to greet him.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky. My man, the Sparkmeister, what's going down?
SPARKY: Buster, are you okay? You didn't seem like yourself yesterday.
BUSTER: What? Not like myself? Why wouldn't I seem like myself? Was I replaced by a radioactive drone that impersonated me?
SPARKY: No, you just didn't seem like yourself yesterday. You were quiet, you didn't suggest anything for the presentation, and for some reason, you kept making references to Boy Meets World.
BUSTER: Well, you know...Facebook and shit.
SPARKY: Uh-huh. Look, if something's going on with you, I want to know. And if you don't tell me, I'm going to find out because I'm your best friend and I know you like I know the back of my hand.
BUSTER: Well, I guess you need to look at your hand a couple more times because there ain't nothing wrong with me, aight?
SPARKY: Aight, fine.
JAYLYNN: PETITION!
Jaylynn shows up next to the boys with a petition and a black pen.
SPARKY: What did you say? I think my ears just got blown out.
BUSTER: She was talking about that "Partition" song by Beyonce.
JAYLYNN: I said, a petition, not a partition. It's part of my community outreach class. Anja and I are getting signatures to gain support for our mission to bring WrestleMania to Seattle.
BUSTER: How does that help the community?
JAYLYNN: Boosts morale, creates jobs, helps the economy, people from all over the world come. Dude, it's WrestleMania, you should know this stuff.
BUSTER: Well, now that you told me all those facts, I feel more confident to sign!
Buster signs the petition.
SPARKY: You know for sure that I have to sign this.
Sparky signs the petition as well.
JAYLYNN: Thanks guys. You two are my fourth and fifth signatures, which means I haven't done shit yet. But I'm going to change that, because I'm on a quest. See ya later. Oh, sir, that kid that's over there, you ever wanted to help your community?
SPARKY: No, but seriously, Buster, I just wanted to make sure everything was cool. I want us all to do well on this project.
BUSTER: And that's exactly what's going to happen. You know, I think this project might not turn out so bad.
SCENE 9
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK looks angry and Buster looks confused as they appear to be staring at something.
BUSTER: You know, I think I was wrong to think positive about this.
RK: You already finished the report?!
WADE: Affirmative. You see, RK, I had a realization yesterday. You're a lazy slacker and all you're going to do is slow me down. This report on ancient Rome is a guaranteed A-plus instead of a C-plus.
RK: You report-hogging bastard! I come down with a life-threatening sickness, make an incredible comeback, and you do this to me?! How do you kiss Adriana under the covers at night?
WADE: Look, RK, you can help with the script.
RK: I don't wanna! My job was to do the report and I'm doing the report. I can do this all on my own. I'm Gladys Knight and your ass is the Pips. Just watch me.
RK sits at the computer in Wade's den without doing anything but staring at the screen.
WADE: You know, there's this thing called research. You could start there.
RK: QUIET! I'm thinking. What do people remember the most about ancient Rome? Ah, I don't got nothing.
WADE: See, this is what I specifically attempted to avoid. Without RK's interference, this report is pure gold.
BUSTER: But you're just taking all the credit for it! Sparky wanted us all to work on this project.
WADE: Then you guys can do the script. It's not my fault you guys can't keep up with me, I actually care about my grade.
RK: Well, just wait until Sparky hears about this one. And to sweeten the deal, just wait until Adriana hears about this one. She'll never want to kiss you again.
SCENE 10
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Anja are checking out the signatures they have received for their petition.
ANJA: Status report.
JAYLYNN: We're not on a ship, Anja.
ANJA: Status report!
JAYLYNN: Ugh. Well, I only got six signatures. In fact, one of them's my own.
ANJA: You signed it in pencil? Jaylynn, you agreed, black and blue pen only!
JAYLYNN: Look, I couldn't find the pen. And anyway, at least I got somewhere. You probably didn't get one signature.
ANJA: Actually, that's not true. I got three.
JAYLYNN: Three. Well, that really puts us in a good spot.
ANJA: You try getting signatures from people who don't even watch wrestling! All day, it's the same freaking thing. "You still watch the WWE? That's so gay." "I don't get how this helps anybody." "Get that out of my face before I spit in your mouth."
JAYLYNN: Um...did they spit in your mouth?
ANJA: NO!
JAYLYNN: Look, Anja, we just need a new approach. We have to find a different way to reach the people.
ANJA: Forget it, it's hopeless. Jaylynn, we're at the end of our rope. We're out of options, dude! I can't go on! There's no hope for us.
JAYLYNN: It hasn't even been a week yet, the hell?
ANJA: Either way, we have no chance of getting people to support WrestleMania in Seattle. Let's face it, it was just a stupid idea.
Jaylynn stares angrily at Anja, then sighs.
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: Wade, why did you do the whole report by yourself? That's not what we agreed on.
WADE: I had to get it finished! I knew RK wasn't going to do anything.
RK: You know, it's real easy to say that when you become a sniveling little project hog.
SPARKY: You know, RK, I've never seen you so interested to do a project before.
RK: Well, I'm just appalled. It's one thing if I say I'm not going to do something, but when RK Jennings says he's going to do something, he always makes sure...that he's going to do something.
SPARKY: Wade, rewrite the report with RK's input.
WADE: What?! Has the world made you insane, man?! His work ethic is going to compromise the entire assignment!
RK: And your arrogant P.O.S. attitude is going to make me compromise you.
SPARKY: Buster, you want to stay here and help me with the script?
BUSTER: Sure. I actually had a couple of ideas we could use.
SPARKY: Great! Guys, we only have about two weeks left anyway. Let's really turn things around and make this project mean something.
SCENE 12
Space Needle Diner
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Jaylynn both look disappointed as they sit down over coffee.
SPARKY: This project isn't going to mean shit to anybody.
JAYLYNN: Why not? I thought you guys were on the same page.
SPARKY: I thought we were, but it doesn't seem like it. Wade wants to do the whole report by himself, RK doesn't want to do too much work, and Buster's ideas for the presentation are horrible.
JAYLYNN: Oh, come on, they can't be that bad.
SPARKY: He wants Brutus to come in with a machine gun and have a fencing duel with Caesar using the guns before he shoots his head off. Plus, there's this whole musical number that I'm pretty sure is a ripoff of Another Cinderella Story.
JAYLYNN: You could always tell him the truth.
SPARKY: I want to, but he's my best friend. If I told him I hated his ideas, it would crush him. He already thought this project was a disaster waiting to happen.
JAYLYNN: Look, you two have been through so much together. I'm pretty sure he can handle a little criticism from you.
SPARKY: I guess. I just can't wait for this project to be over.
JAYLYNN: That's an important lesson to learn, Sparky. Never try anything new. Stay in your lane and stick with what you know.
SPARKY: What?
JAYLYNN: Oh, sorry, I was just trying to relate your problem with mine.
SPARKY: I thought your WrestleMania project was going well.
JAYLYNN: Please, we could barely get anybody to sign our petition. How are we supposed to convince the guys at Northgate to start a committee now?
SPARKY: You just need a new approach. Try finding people who you know would be behind Seattle hosting WrestleMania. It's a great idea, you just need to get the right followers.
JAYLYNN: I wish it was that simple, but Anja quit on me. She thinks it's a lost cause and she even called the idea stupid. I was sitting right there. That's like giving me a purple nurple after you blinded me with acid and kicked me in the throat.
SPARKY: You need to let Anja know how things are going to work. If you really think this idea is worth something, take control and tell her that you two aren't giving up on it. Lay down the law, regulate that mother, teach her the rules.
JAYLYNN: You know what? You're right. It was all Anja's idea to take this community outreach class. I'm gonna tell her we're not giving up.
SPARKY: Good for you, Jaylynn. And I'm going to try and save our project...for like, the third time at this point.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky has gathered the boys once again to talk about the project.
SPARKY: Look, guys, I hate beating a dead horse but we have to try and work together to get this project done. We don't have a lot of time left so I have something to say. Buster, I'm sorry but we can't use any of your ideas.
BUSTER: I had a feeling.
SPARKY: It's not that...wait, what? You knew I didn't like them?
BUSTER: Well, yeah. I knew it when I told you the joke we could end the presentation on and you had the fakest laugh I've heard in my entire life.
RK: What was the joke?
BUSTER: "Now we continue Rome-ing on our quest."
RK: Dear God.
BUSTER: Yeah, I was trying stuff out. Look, Sparky, if my ideas really suck, we can scrap 'em, but I still want to do my share of the work.
WADE: I don't think that's a great idea.
BUSTER: Why not?
WADE: Because you have the brainpower of a paste-eating first grader.
RK: Wade!
SPARKY: Alright, Wade, that's over the line.
WADE: Look, Buster won't be able to contribute anything meaningful to this assignment. He's just like RK, they do shit work and expect to get credit for it.
RK: You bastard. I guess you waited for an audience to make a scene.
WADE: Audience or no audience, it has to be said. Your rewrites spit in the face of accuracy. Check this out. "At one point, after Commodus was violently molested by his ministers and forced to step down as Roman emperor, Julius Caesar came back to life and smacked everyone in the face if he didn't get his vengeance. He demanded satisfaction."
RK: He did! It was a political statement!
WADE: RK, we can't use this. You're embellishing the truth!
RK: I just wanted to make history more exciting. Think about where we are right now. We're making history just by talking about history and recreating history for our report. Don't you guys see? History can come from anywhere and Wade's going to spit in the face of all that just for a lousy letter grade.
WADE: I have no idea what you're talking about and at this point, I should rewrite history myself by making you pre-history!
SPARKY: Guys, will you take it easy?
WADE: And that's another thing. Here comes Sparky wanting us all to get along like some Rodney King incarnate.
RK: Yeah. You know, sometimes, Sparky, we really don't need your help, okay?
BUSTER: Don't talk to Sparky like that.
RK: Oh, here comes Sparky's life partner licking his boots once again.
WADE: Of course. I mean, honestly, I know Halley's not always around, but have some dignity for yourself and get your own opinions.
Sparky punches Wade in the face. RK goes after him and he gets thrown across the room.
RK: Oh, it's on now, motherf***ers.
RK and Sparky start fighting each other by trading right hands.
BUSTER: You see that? I knew this was going to happen.
WADE: Be quiet for once, ignoramus.
BUSTER: STOP MAKING FUN OF ME AND TAKE THE THESAURUS OUT OF YOUR ASS!
Buster tackles Wade and starts hammering away at him. Sparky dodges a kick by RK and gives him a roundhouse, which sends him into Buster who starts pounding him as well. Sparky goes after Wade but Wade kicks him in the ribs and suplexes him on the floor. Buster takes an umbrella and uses the tip to suffocate Wade's throat. It looks like Wade is about to go unconscious until RK taps Buster on his shoulder.
BUSTER: What is it? I'm trying to hurt somebody.
All Buster sees is a rabbit punch from RK, which knocks him out.
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster wakes up on the floor alongside everyone else.
BUSTER: What the hell happened? I feel like that time I got my head stuck in the freezer.
WADE: We beat each other up. All I remember is everything going black.
RK: I remember Sparky trying to kick me in the nuts.
SPARKY: And you would have deserved it. In fact, both of you would have deserved it.
WADE: Why would I deserve a testicular mangling? It's not my fault our teammates are incompetent.
SPARKY: You're a report-hogging, ego-driven maniac and you, RK? You're a crazed, twisted, lazy piece of shit. Mr. Frax made a big mistake putting us together.
BUSTER: So what are we supposed to do? The assignment's due soon.
SPARKY: I'll tell you what we do. Nothing. We don't do a single thing. We just fail the project and take our F like men.
WADE: Are you under the influence or something? We can't fail this project, it's one of the biggest assignments of the year!
SPARKY: I don't really care anymore. You guys didn't want my help, so I'm not giving it. I'm staying out of it. I'm going to be in my room and play with Santa's Little Helper.
BUSTER: But Sparky...
SPARKY: No, Buster, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore.
Sparky goes upstairs at that point while Buster, RK, and Wade stare at each other.
RK: Just to let you know, you guys are to blame for this.
WADE: Us? It's all your fault! If you weren't so fixated on "making history exciting," we could have actually gotten some work done!
RK: Well, if you weren't so anal about everything being done your way, we could have been able to work together like civilized people. But I guess you don't know jack shit about acting civilized.
WADE: I knew the definition before you even heard of the word, you brainless, ignorant psycho.
RK: Please, like you could even understand the word, you no social skills-having bucket of nuts.
BUSTER: GUYS! It's your fault Sparky gave up on us, and now you have to fix it. You people make me sick just looking at you.
Buster walks out of the house and slams the door shut.
RK: When he said that, I'm pretty sure he was looking at you.
WADE: Get glasses.
SCENE 15
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Anja is vacuuming the floor when Jaylynn walks in. As an act of audacity, Jaylynn unplugs the vacuum from the outlet.
ANJA: Well, excuse you, but you just interrupted hoover time.
JAYLYNN: Anja, it doesn't matter what you think about the WrestleMania petition. I think it's a great idea, I think I've been very patient with you over the last couple of weeks, and I think it's time for me to stand up to you.
ANJA: Stand up to me? Jaylynn, I'm not a bully.
JAYLYNN: Well, whether you're not a bully or whether you are, I think you need to give the project a second chance. You wanted to do something other than poetry? Well, this is your big chance. You can either rise up and try your hardest to make this idea work, or you can just give up like a scared little kid.
ANJA: I am a little kid.
JAYLYNN: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE WHAT I SAY YOU ARE! The point is, I need my best buddy to help me with this. Maybe Seattle gets WrestleMania in two years, maybe it doesn't. But I'm going to make sure people know the Jaylynn name and what it stands for. I'm not backing down from a challenge. The last time I did that, it blew up in my face.
ANJA: What happened?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, everybody told me I'm evil for not supporting ALS treatment or some shit. But look, Anja, I want to see this through. And if you're just going to think of me and my ideas as stupid, then what the hell does our friendship really mean?
ANJA: OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS NEVER IN JEOPARDY, JAYLYNN. Look, I'm sorry for calling your idea stupid. I was pissed off we didn't get enough signatures and I gave up. But if you really want to do this, then I'm going to be there every step of the way.
JAYLYNN: You mean that? You're not just videotaping this behind my back so you can watch it later at my expense?
ANJA: Of course, I mean it. We just need a new approach like you said.
JAYLYNN: Well, let's get started ASAP. I have ways we can fix our little campaign.
ANJA: Great. We can start tomorrow after school.
JAYLYNN: Alright, I'll see you then.
ANJA: Oh, wait, Jaylynn? One more thing. If you ever interrupt hoover time again, so help me, I will smack you so hard in the fudging face, man.
JAYLYNN: You're so non-threatening, it's adorable.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade all meet each other in the middle of the hallway and stare each other down.
RK: MacDougal.
SPARKY: Jennings.
WADE: Newman.
BUSTER: Mr. Matthews.
WADE: What?
BUSTER: Mr. Hunter.
SPARKY: Boy Meets World again?
BUSTER: Boy Meets World again.
RK: Saltalamacchia.
WADE: Jennings.
RK: Saltalamacchia!
WADE: Jennings!
BUSTER: MacDougal.
SPARKY: Newman? Shit, I mean, Buster?
JAYLYNN: Hey guys.
Sparky and Buster gasp in unison.
SPARKY AND BUSTER: Jaylynn!
JAYLYNN: What's going on here? Why do you guys look like you're going to kill each other at high noon?
SPARKY: Because our project is absolutely worthless thanks to Beavis and Butthead over here.
RK: For your sake, I better be Beavis.
WADE: It's your fault! All you wanted to do was get us together, but that just made it worse!
SPARKY: Because you're almost impossible to work with! You want everything done your way or it's not good enough.
WADE: Because when it's done my way, it's done right. You can bet your grandmother's life on that. Now our project has disintegrated into a swirling vortex of nothingness!
BUSTER: Maybe you should stop being such a dictator about group work.
RK: And maybe you should stop defending your boyfriend all the time.
BUSTER: Cut the cheap shots, bisexual.
RK: If it looks like a spade, smells like a spade, and sounds like a spade, what is it?
SPARKY: A hypocrite who can't even use idioms correctly.
WADE: He got you there.
RK: I think Cory and Shawn gave you a damn good ether before I got involved.
JAYLYNN: QUIET! You people just make me want to spit. You're all best friends and you're going to let some silly group project get in the way of all that?
RK: It's not about the project, okay? It's about what the project represents. These people don't respect my creative vision!
WADE: Because why should I respect someone who disregards historical accuracy?
SPARKY: You need to stop being such a report hog.
WADE: And you need to stop meddling.
RK: Yeah!
BUSTER: And you need to pick a side!
RK: And you need to come up with ideas that make sense!
WADE: Wow, look at the pot calling the kettle black.
RK: Go to hell.
BUSTER: And that's another thing, Sparky. You need to start respecting me!
SPARKY: What? I've always respected you.
BUSTER: Oh yeah, right, we don't have any beef.
JAYLYNN: You know, guys, usually when this happens, I would try to fix it. But, um...I'm kinda busy with my own story and you guys are smart enough to fix it, so, um...fix it, I guess.
Jaylynn shrugs and walks away.
RK: That's your great advice? Fix it?
JAYLYNN: If I tried getting involved, I would only end up hurting myself.
The boys watch Jaylynn as she disappears from sight.
SPARKY: Well, that's just dandy. We need Jaylynn's help at a pivotal moment in our lives and she bails on us.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. Since when did Jaylynn become the advice guru? We've been solving our own problems since before she even moved here.
RK: Word up. Jaylynn wouldn't be able to give advice to anybody in Harlem.
WADE: You've never even been to Harlem!
RK: Exactly. That's how I know she wouldn't survive there.
SPARKY: What are we doing, guys? Our project's up in flames and at this point, I can't really say I like any of you.
BUSTER: Huh?
SPARKY: Don't worry, you and me are still good. But as for you guys, I don't know.
RK: You know, I think I went overboard with the gay jokes. Sorry, guys.
BUSTER: It's fine, I guess. But you'll never have this friendship.
RK: That's okay. Because I'll always have this one, with this black genius to my left.
SPARKY: But when we come together, it might be the greatest friendship of all-time.
WADE: You know, guys? I learned something today. I'm a real douchebag when it comes to group work.
RK: THANK YOU!
SPARKY: You said it, you really did.
BUSTER: Feel good?
WADE: I mean it, guys, I do. I have high standards when it comes to my work. I can't just change it overnight, but I could try.
SPARKY: Well, we all have to figure out one thing: How the hell are we going to do this project when we can't even work with each other?
RK: I've got an idea.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The boys are all on the couch as RK stands with his hands on his hips triumphantly.
RK: And that's how we do it!
SPARKY: You waited four hours to come here and say that?
RK: Oh, right, I never said the idea. Well, Sparky, since you and Wade are the more scholarly types, you two should write a new report. Make it all factual and research-like and whatnot. Buster and I are all about the pageantry so we could work on the presentation. Only this time, we use real facts.
WADE: That's actually a really good system.
BUSTER: Yeah, why didn't we think of that before?
RK: Because we're a bunch of stupid kids. Okay, guys, let's go!
SCENE 18
("My House" by Flo Rida playing in the background)
Jaylynn and Anja have restarted their WrestleMania bid by finding the local host committee on Facebook, and sending them a message of interest. They also started their own Facebook page, and go on the WWE Facebook page to get other people interested. Meanwhile, Sparky and Wade have started rewriting their report. Wade shows some growth by letting Sparky contribute to the report and taking a break.
Buster and RK go to the local library and check out some books on ancient Rome, one of which is titled Ancient Rome for Crackheads. RK ends up sleeping during the research at Buster's condo, but Buster blows a whistle in his ear to get him to wake up.
RK: What am I? Am I dead?
Jaylynn and Anja march the streets of Seattle with bullhorns as they try convincing the people of Seattle to sign their petition and get WrestleMania XXXIV to come to the city. A police car comes by and the girls' first instinct is to run away through the traffic. Their next plan involves climbing up to the roof of a laundromat and getting people to contact the WWE headquarters.
JAYLYNN: Just go on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or whatever and let the McMahon family know that you want WrestleMania in Seattle on April 1, 2018.
ANJA: It's what's best for business.
Another police car comes and approaches the laundromat so the girls have to climb back down. The cops get out of the car with nightsticks and chase the girls down through traffic once again. Buster and RK show Sparky and Wade the finished script, and they stick their thumbs up in approval. They trade the report with them and they realize that it is half-Sparky, half-Wade like it should be. Jaylynn and Anja go to the headquarters of the Seattle host committee and show them a possible logo for WrestleMania XXXIV, with the Space Needle and CenturyLink Field in the background. The boys play "My House" in Sparky's house and start dancing to it. For some inexplicable reason, Jaylynn and Anja join them in the dancing at that moment, but Anja is forced to sit down after the boys see her dance.
SCENE 19
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
It is now Team Project Day.
MR. FRAX: Alright, it's time for the group assignment presentations. And honestly, I have goosebumps. Am I the only one who's pumped up for these projects? I mean, come on.
The kids all look despondent, except for RK who is combing his hair.
MR. FRAX: At least try to pretend excited. Oh no, that's too much for your generation. Ah, forget it, who volunteers to go first?
SPARKY: We do, Mr. Frax!
Wade notices RK combing his hair.
WADE: Dude, why?
RK: It's for Frax, who else?
WADE: Come on.
The boys all walk up to the front of the class.
SPARKY: The Roman Empire. What started the fall of one of the greatest civilizations in the history of mankind?
A time lapse shows Buster on the floor with a plastic knife in his stomach after RK "stabs" him.
SPARKY: It was all an intricate plot to take down Julius Caesar and remove him from power.
BUSTER: Show me...the justice.
Buster "dies" on the floor and the kids clap in approval at the presentation.
MR. FRAX: Excellent work, guys. You really put some effort and creativity into this assignment.
Later on, the kids are all leaving the class.
SPARKY: Well, we did it. We had the best project in the class and we did it as a team.
BUSTER: Best project? How do you figure?
RK: Please, that presentation was dynamite.
WADE: Affirmative. By going first, we set an impossible standard for the rest of the class. No one else came close!
BUSTER: I can get down with that. You know what? I thought this project was going to be a disaster, but it actually brought us closer together.
SPARKY: Yeah. I guess we're even more different than we thought.
Beat.
RK: So, just to make sure, we're never doing another group project again, right?
SPARKY: Oh, hell no.
BUSTER: You kidding me?
RK: That's what I thought.
WADE: We have enough problems as it is, man.
SCENE 20
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Anja look proud as they watch TV together.
FEMALE REPORTER: And in local news, two fourth-grade girls made major waves this past week by campaigning to have Seattle host WrestleMania XXXIV in the spring of 2018. Although we won't know the host of the event until next year, the girls are confident that they have swayed WWE brass.
The report cuts to Jaylynn being interviewed at the community center, and under her is a tag that says "Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez: Local Half-Minority."
JAYLYNN: Well, I think it's really rad how my friend and I were able to do so much and get attention from everybody. So much love and support from the community, and I feel like WrestleMania will be a huge boost to our community and bring everybody closer together. Um, I didn't really appreciate the police chasing after me multiple times, but other than that, I felt good and I felt like we really got to people.
ANJA: Hi, I'm Anja. Um, yes to everything Jaylynn said. I'm sorry, I get really nervous in front of the camera. It's like it has magic powers or something.
Jaylynn, Anja, and the reporter all start laughing.
ANJA: I think I just spit on you a little, I'm sorry. I was chewing gum, man!
JAYLYNN: It's okay.
REPORTER: Wow, so humble and adorable. Anyway, for those in the know, WrestleMania will be held in Orlando for the first time in almost ten years when the Citrus Bowl plays host to the thirty-third edition next year on April 2.
ANJA: I'm absolutely awful on camera.
JAYLYNN: Are you kidding me? That was awesome. When did you get to be so cute?
ANJA: When people realized I was a shy ten-year-old girl so they think everything I do is cute.
JAYLYNN: It's too bad we have to wait a whole year to find out if our project worked.
ANJA: Hey, whatever happens happens, man. I wanted to try something other than poetry and I did. I had a lot of fun working with you.
JAYLYNN: Aww, I had fun too, wifey. Hey, maybe next time, we can take a class that has other kids in it.
ANJA: I don't think so.
JAYLYNN: You're killing me, why not?!
The doorbell rings and Jaylynn goes to answer it. It's Ashley.
JAYLYNN: Hey Ashley. Why do you look like that?
ASHLEY: Because of you. You were supposed to do work on the team project for Mr. Frax, don't you remember?
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, I was. F***, I forgot I have that class too. Look, Ashley, I'm sorry, I've just been busy.
ASHLEY: Yeah, that's a great excuse. Thanks to you, our grade's going to drop.
JAYLYNN: Wow, that's one hell of a pickle. Look, Ashley, when you really get down to it, um...you know, Einstein...Einstein wrote that the theory of relativity...was relatable to the...
Jaylynn slams the door in Ashley's face and locks it.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, open up, I'm not done with you yet!
Jaylynn has a blank look on her face as she sits back down.
ANJA: What's going on?
JAYLYNN: Oh, nothing, just the IRS trying to get me. You know, taxes and shit.
ANJA: But that sounds like Ashley.
Jaylynn responds by saying absolutely nothing.
ANJA: Jaylynn, I'm talking to you. What's going on with you and Ashley?
Jaylynn once again says nothing.
ANJA: Are you ignoring me until we cut to black? You know, I hate it when you do that, Jaylynn. This is just like the last...
Cut to black. The gang is then shown at the EMP Museum during their recent showing of Purple Rain.
TSE: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Say Say Say" by Paul McCartney featuring Michael Jackson playing in the end credits)
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
