Tales of the Titans: Just for Yoicks, Chapter 1

I don't own the Teen Titans.

Chapter 1: Hardfall.

Raven was walking back to the Tower from one of her favorite (meaning: dark as hell) book club readings when she noticed, out of the corner of her eye, the small spark up in the sky past the towering skyscrapers of Jump City. Probably a jet coming in for a landing, she thought to herself, as she turned back to the somber reflections that were her normal mode of thought.

Thus, she didn't see the spark grow bigger and bigger. Didn't even take note of the clearly noticeable shadow that appeared on the ground before her: the shadow of a girl wearing a hooded cape….

So she was totally unprepared when something that felt like a cross between the Swedish Bikini Team and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir hit her from behind and knocked her flat on her ass.

Something soft and wet slammed into her, emitted an "Eeroink!" sound, bounced off the mystical shields she normally kept around her when she walked alone like this, went splat! on the pavement ten feet away, and, improbably, given its seemingly soft nature, bounced three more times before ending its journey, unceremoniously, in a garbage dumpster at the far end of the alley. She could see the lid swinging wildly as the dumpster itself was slammed up against the far wall.

"Holy shit," she muttered, sitting there on the asphalt, then looked around fearfully, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw she was alone. If Garfield ever found out she even knew those words, he'd never let her hear the end of it. Life, as she knew it, Would Be Over.

Now. With that small matter taken care of, and her composure regained, she turned her attention to whatever it was that struck her. It had the feel of an accident, but Raven knew that accidents can kill you just as doornail-dead as anything else. So she approached the end of the alleyway cautiously.

The dumpster under examination had seen better days, and this clearly wasn't one of them. The sides were smashed in, as if from a great and recent blow, and, even as she watched, it shook and rattled ominously.

There was something inside. Something that wanted out.

As she watched, what appeared to be a green tentacle flapped over the side of the dumpster, seeking purchase. In the low light, Raven couldn't be absolutely sure, but it seemed to have a certain sheen to it which she fervently hoped to Azar wasn't slime. After all, the thing had apparently just slammed into her from behind, and her capes cost a fortune to dry clean.

Then another tentacle flopped over the side. Then a third. They tightened up, getting a solid grip on the outside of the can, and Raven readied herself for the horror that was about to reveal itself. Tentacles are very seldom a good sign.

Unless you like calamari.

Raven did not like calamari.

A matching pair of black orbs popped up from the inside of the can, peeking out from under what looked to be an unruly shock of bristly green hair, looking right and left for signs of danger. Then another set popped up. Then a third. Then a forth. Eight eyes is seldom a comforting sight, either. Raven knew of several species of demons that had eight eyes, and they were invariably trouble. But then, demons as a whole were not exactly hail-fellow-well-met types. And I am half-demon.

Yes, well, we'll deal with that later.

The eyes looked one way, then the other. Finally, they seemed to focus on her, and Raven could have sworn she saw them light up with a kind of alien delight. She readied herself to blast the monstrosity into next week as soon as it showed enough of itself that she wouldn't get pelted with exploding garbage. The last time that had happened, she'd had to soak in the hot tub so long that Beast Boy had bellowed at her from outside her closed door, asking her if she'd drowned or something in there and did he need to get the plunger.

Suddenly, a green bulk shifted out of the dumpster, and, with an audible sproing! sound, popped out like a piece of green toast and landed on the ground right in front of her. "Greetings!" said the thing, in clear, unaccented English. "I come in pieces! You are having the most honor of meeting me! No, wait…that's not right…" It fiddled with some device it had around what could be most charitably described as a "neck," before continuing. "Greetings! I come in Pisces! I am most honorable to meet you! Er, did that come out right?" it dithered, even as it began to putter around with what was apparently some sort of translator. Raven could barely hear, above the voice of the translator, a soft, susurrating sound emanating from somewhere near the cluster of tentacles that seemed to do double duty both as support limbs and manipulator digits. And possibly other organs she preferred not to think about.

Alright, not demon, alien. Sometimes that wasn't any better, however.

She held up a hand in what was intended to be a conciliatory gesture of acceptance. It might have been her imagination, but the creature seemed to pale just a bit. Maybe that gesture meant something totally different in its culture? Well, maybe. "It's alright; I understand the meaning of what you are trying to say. May I ask your name?" She could hear the translator-necklace making soft, sibilant sounds, translating her words into the creature's language.

What was it, exactly? It resembled an anthropomorphic octopus, but with a bulbous, spherical head, topped by the shock of green "hair" (if, indeed, "hair" it was), and around which the four sets of eyes were displayed. The way they were arranged, Raven didn't see how the thing could have anything but excellent peripheral vision, but, even so, she got the impression that two sets of the four were currently focused on her, with the remaining two sets on the translator device around its neck. Unlike a true octopus, it did not seem to have serious difficulty with land mobility, and Raven thought she'd have to remember that, should matters take a turn for the worse. It did not, however, resemble any alien race she'd ever heard of, however, hostile or otherwise.

Then she turned her scrutiny from the tactical to the rest of the creature's face. For it did have a face, albeit not a human one. Rather, its features were spread out across that bulbous, completely smooth head, with a set of slits right below the eye-circle, and a corresponding set on either side of the neck. (Gills? she wondered. Or perhaps something even stranger?) Below this was another, larger slit from which the soft susurrations were emerging. That had to be the creature's mouth, she reasoned. Or what passed for same. "I am Raven. What is your name?"

"I am Zoinks!" It said, with a peculiar inflection on the last word(?).

"'Zoinks'?" She repeated. She wanted to make sure she had the alien pronunciation correctly. Wars had been started over smaller matters.

"Yes! Zoinks! Run, Scoob! It's a g-ghost!"

Raven face-palmed herself. Oh, crap. Of all the Earth TV shows you had to learn our language from, you hadda pick that one.

…..

Raven signaled for entry to the Tower. Normally she'd just use her own ID code, but she wanted to make sure nobody went ballistic over her guest. "Just hang on, uh, Zoinks, and I'll introduce you to the rest of my group. You say you're a tourist?"

"Yes! Very much tourist! I am very much hoping to meet your leaders, Fred, Daphne, Velma, and Shaggy. Not to mention their own Supreme Leader, Scooby-Doo! It will be such an honor to stand in the presence of such an intellect!"

Great Azar. I can see I've got my work cut out for me. At that moment, Cyborg signaled back, his image appearing on the screen. "Raven? What's up?"

"I've a guest I met downtown. I didn't want to startle anyone. He's a little…unusual." And she panned the camera to show Zoinks, standing excitedly by her. How do I explain these great leaders he wants to meet are fictional? Does he even understand the concept of "fiction"? After all, there was nothing to guarantee Zoinks's people even knew about such entertainments as storytelling. Some races, some cultures, didn't have that custom, and found it odd that others should enjoy being, in their eyes, lied to.

Cyborg's human eye bugged out. "Uh….I'm guessing he's from out of town?"

"A bit. But he appears harmless. He's a tourist from," she turned to Zoinks. "Where did you say you were from, again?"

Later, in the Titans' main sitting room: "Okay, we've located, er, Zoinks's star system." The alien had barely been able to provide them with usable data, since their methods of star charting were so different. But, by identifying certain benchmark stars, they'd finally zeroed in on…

"It's Sirius. He's from the Sirius system. That's a binary star system about nine light years away. That squares with his being able to understand us, as I'm sure they've been receiving radio broadcasts from Earth for decades now. And they've had time to learn our language." Robin and Starfire were out on patrol, so the only Titans actually in the Tower were Cyborg and Beast Boy, the latter having gone to bed already. Grumbling, he'd awakened. While he was usually loathe to admit it, anything involving Raven always had his interest.

"Yes, yes! This is most excellently wonderful! At last I will get to bask in the radiant presence of the Most Esteemed High Lord Scooby-Doo! Please, tell me, when might I meet with him?" He was practically dancing with excitement. The Titans looked at each other. How are we gonna break this?

To be continued...