"Fore and Four (Part I),"
by Capt. Janeway

SUMMARY: What would happen if everybody wanted to get together for a nice game of
golf?

RATING: G

DISCLAIMER: Roses are red; violets are blue; not a whole lot in this fanfic belongs to me that
includes X-Files, too.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanx to Sicily, who is one of the bravest people I know for being my
friend. LOL I know, Mulder-freaks, I know: The Queen of Doggzoids is back. As Sicily might say
if she weren't a Mulder-freak, Deal with it. LOL

FEEDBACK: Yep! Sure! Go ahead! You may either review (preferred by yourtruly), or you may
contact me at frenchkitty1@excite.com . (My "janeway"
address has been having a nasty temper lately . . . and they thought artificial intelligence would be a
good thing!) Easy on the flames, please! Thanx!! :)

******************************************************************************

(Setting: Outside the clubhouse of a beautiful golf course somewhere sunny, like Hawaii or
something. Idunno. Use your imagination: that's the beauty of reading. We see Special Agents John
DOGGETT and Dana SCULLY standing around, trying desperately to pass the time. SCULLY is
studying various items displayed in the window of the pro shop, while DOGGETT casually punches
buttons on his Nokia cell phone. SCULLY soon finds her activity a little too dull for her taste, so she
stares at the toe of her shoe for a while. DOGGETT is now very absorbed with whatever he's doing
with his cell phone. SCULLY looks at him, but he doesn't notice. DOGGETT is now frantically
pressing buttons on his cell phone, accompanied by the occasional cheer of great victory or cry of
humiliating defeat. SCULLY's curiosity gets the best of her:)

SCULLY: What are you doing, Agent Doggett?

DOGGETT (very taken with his cell phone): Mmmmmmmmmm . . .

SCULLY: Agent Doggett?

DOGGETT (his eyes suddenly lighting up with delight): Mmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .

SCULLY (getting impatient): Agent Doggett?!

DOGGETT (his delight now turning to disappointment): Mmmmmmmmmmmm . . .

SCULLY (clears her throat, then): AGENT DOGGETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOGGETT (suddenly snapping his attention away from the cell phone): Huh! Wha--?

SCULLY: Agent Doggett, WHAT are you doing?!

DOGGETT: What do you mean?

SCULLY (rolling her eyes): Your cell phone, Agent Doggett . . . What is so incredibly
fascinating about your cell phone?

DOGGETT: Oh! That? It's a game Assistant Director Skinner discovered on his cell phone . .
. It's called "Snake."

SCULLY: Snake?

DOGGETT: Yeah. You gotta direct the snake toward the little dot without letting it bump into
the wall or itself. Each time you get to the dot, it moves, and the snake gets longer.

SCULLY: Agent Doggett?

DOGGETT: What is it, Agent Scully?

SCULLY: I can't believe that a grown man such as yourself would participate such a pathetic
activity to pass the time!!

DOGGETT (not very sure how to respond to that one): Well . . . uh . . .

SCULLY (reaching for DOGGETT's cell phone): Can I try?

DOGGETT (defensively hiding his phone behind his back): Hey! Use your own cell phone!

(SCULLY whips out her cell phone.)

DOGGETT: Okay, you press this big button here (he shows her the button using his cell phone)
. . . and then you keep scrolling through until you get to "Games." You press the button again, select
"Snake," and press the button again.

SCULLY: How do I control the snake?

DOGGETT: You press these buttons. (he shows her)

SCULLY: Oh! I see!

(SCULLY and DOGGETT both quickly become completely absorbed with their cell phones,
frantically pressing buttons. A few cars go by, but they don't notice. Finally, a car parks nearby, and
Assistant Director SKINNER gets out. He walks up to SCULLY and DOGGETT, who are
completely oblivious to his presence:)

SKINNER: Hey! Sorry I'm late . . . (realizing he doesn't have their attention) Uh, Agents?

SCULLY & DOGGETT: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .

SKINNER: Agents?

SCULLY & DOGGETT: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .

SKINNER: AGENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOGGETT: Huh?! Wha ?!

SCULLY (surprised): Sir?! Please don't sneak up on us like that!!

SKINNER (defensively): But I didn't . . . (giving up) Oh, never mind. You two playing
"Snake"?

DOGGETT: Yep.

SCULLY: Nifty little game.

SKINNER: Yeah.

DOGGETT: Do you know where everybody else is?

SKINNER: No.

SCULLY: I wonder why they're so late . . .

******************************************************************************

(Setting: A freeway. We see two cars, one that contains MARITA, KRYCEK, and the
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, and another that contains the Lone Gunmen. The camera focuses
on the car with MARITA, KRYCEK, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN in it. KRYCEK is
driving, MARITA is in the front passenger seat, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is sitting in
the backseat behind MARITA.)

MARITA (pointing to the Lone Gunmen's car): Alex! Watch out for that car!! (they pass the
Lone Gunmen's car) You're speeding again, Alex!!

KRYCEK (rolling his eyes): I think I know how to drive, Marita.

CSM: Do you, Alex? Do you really?

(MARITA and KRYCEK roll their eyes. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN lights a
Morley.)

MARITA (turning to CSM): Could you please not smoke in here? Alex doesn't need his brain
deprived of oxygen on top of being a terrible driver . . .

KRYCEK (defensively): Hey!! I'm a good driver!!

MARITA (pointing to a huge oil tanker truck): Watch out!!

KRYCEK: Will you please shut-up, Marita?! I'm not sixteen!! I can drive!! Sheesh!!

MARITA (shouting): That's IT!! I can't stand it anymore, Alex!! Pull over!! I'm driving!!

KRYCEK (sarcastically): Oh, yes, of course, Your Highness. How stupid of me to think that
just because I've got a driver's licence I can drive.

CSM: Do you have a licence, Alex? Do you really?

KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!

(The camera backs away from KRYCEK, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING
MAN's car, and now focuses on the Lone Gunmen's car. BYERS is driving; LANGLY and
FROHIKE are in the backseats, getting on BYERS's nerves:)

LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!

BYERS (clearly annoyed): No!!

LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!

BYERS: No!!

LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!

BYERS: No!!

LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!

BYERS: No!!

LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!

BYERS: No!!

LANGLY & FROHIKE: Are we there yet?!

BYERS: No!!

(The camera pulls away from the Lone Gunmen, and focuses back on KRYCEK, MARITA,
and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, whose car is now swerving violently. We see that
MARITA and KRYCEK are fighting for the wheel of the car:)

MARITA: Pull over!!!

KRYCEK: No!! You pull over first!!

MARITA: You dummy!! I can't pull over unless I'm driving the stupid car!!! You pull over!!

KRYCEK: No!! You pull over!!

CSM: Do you really want her to pull over, Alex? Do you really?

KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!

KRYCEK: You pull over!!

MARITA: You pull over!!

KRYCEK: I'm not pulling over unless you're pulling over!!

MARITA: Same here!!

KRYCEK: Oh yeah?!?!

MARITA: Yeah!!!!

KRYCEK: Oh yeah?!?!?!

MARITA: Yeah!!

KRYCEK (suddenly losing his train of thought): Uhhhh . . . Marita?

MARITA (still irate): What is it?!?!

KRYCEK: What're we fighting about?

MARITA: Ummmm . . . Idunno. I forgot.

KRYCEK: Well, whatever it was, it couldn't have been that important.

MARITA: Yeah.

KRYCEK: Mmmmm . . . I love you, Marita.

MARITA: Oh, Alex . . . I love you too.

**********************************************************************

(Setting: Back at the golf course. SCULLY, DOGGETT, and SKINNER are all playing
"Snake," frantically pressing buttons on their cell phones. Suddenly, a CLUBHOUSE GUY comes out
of the clubhouse:)

CG: Hey! Your tee time is in five minutes!!

DOGGETT, SCULLY, & SKINNER: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .

CG: Guys?

DOGGETT, SCULLY, & SKINNER: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . .

CG: HEY, GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOGGETT: Huh?! Wha--?

SCULLY & SKINNER: Don't scare us like that!!!!!

CG: Sheesh! Sorry! Anyways, your tee time is in five minutes . . . You might wanna get your
bags and everything together.

SCULLY: I wonder why Krycek and Marita and the Cigarette-Smoking Man and the Lone
Gunmen aren't here yet . . . Well, if they're not here by our tee time, we'll just have to play without
them, I guess.

CG: Okay, but we're gonna put another person in your group to make a foursome. That okay
with all of you?

DOGGETT (staring wistfully at his cell phone): Yeah, sure, whatever.

SCULLY: Fine by me!

SKINNER: You know, I've really got a problem with that because

SCULLY (cutting SKINNER off): Sorry, sir. Majority rules.

SKINNER (rolling his eyes): Yeah, sure, whatever.

CG: Okay, then! Just lemme let your new friend know who he's playing with . . .

(CLUBHOUSE GUY runs back into the clubhouse.)

DOGGETT: Looks like you're outnumbered today, Agent Scully.

SCULLY: Yeah. If Marita could've made it, it wouldn't be so bad . . .

******************************************************************************

(Setting: The car containing our three favorite members of the Conspiracy. The car is now very
hazy inside, due to the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN's cigarettes. MARITA and KRYCEK are
coughing as though they had the Plague, but our smoking friend continues to nervously puff away at his
cigarettes.)

MARITA (to CSM): That's it!! (cough!) I don't care what you say!! (cough!! cough!!) I'm rolling
down (cough!) my window!! (cough!! cough!!)

CSM: Do you want to roll down your window, Marita? Do you really?

MARITA (as she rolls down her window): Just shut-up!! (cough!) I thought Alex killed you,
anyway!!! (cough!! cough!!)

KRYCEK: He was only (cough!) partly dead, Marita. (cough!! cough!!) He wasn't
completely dead. (cough!! cough!! cough!!)

MARITA: One of those (cough!) "Princess Bride" things?

CSM: Do you think I was only partly dead? Do you really?

KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!

CSM: Do you want me to shut-up? Do you really?

KRYCEK: That's IT!!! (KRYCEK pulls over) You're getting out!!

CSM: Do you want me to get out? Do you really?

(KRYCEK gets out, walks around the back of the car to the door by the
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, opens the door, tears the seatbelt off of the
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, and throws him out of the car. KRYCEK slams the door, walks
back around the car, and he gets back into the driver's seat. KRYCEK starts the car and speeds
away.)

CSM (shouting desperately): You don't want to leave me here like this!! You really don't!!

*********************************************************************

(Setting: The Lone Gunmen's car. LANGLY and FROHIKE are still driving poor BYERS
insane:)

LANGLY & FROHIKE (singing loudly): . . . B-I-N-G-O!!! B-I-N-G-O!!! B-I-N-G-O!!!
And Bingo was his name-oh!!!

BYERS (through clenched teeth): Shut-up!!!!

LANGLY: Let's sing it . . . one . . . more . . . tiiiiiiiiiiime!!!!

FROHIKE: Yeah!!

BYERS (screaming with horror): Nooooooooo!!!!!!!

FROHIKE: Awwww . . . C'mon, Byers!

LANGLY: Three's a crowd . . .

BYERS: Absolutely not!!

FROHIKE (trying to coax BYERS): Y'know, I found out about this really neat little gizmo the
other day when I hacked into the CIA's database . . .

BYERS (deadpan): I'm not singing, guys.

LANGLY: Suit yourself!

LANGLY & FROHIKE (singing loudly): Theeeeeeere . . . was a farmer who had a dog and
Bingo was his name-oh . . .

******************************************************************************
(Setting: MARITA and KRYCEK's car. MARITA is now driving, much to the disappointment
of KRYCEK.)

MARITA: Alex, look: You can't always have control of everything. Some people are better
drivers than others, just as some people are better at handling the Conspiracy than others. You just
have to learn to accept the fact that you're a lousy driver, and that my driving skills are far superior to
yours.

(KRYCEK mutters something under his breath.)

MARITA: What was that?

KRYCEK: Nothing.

MARITA: Alex, you did say something. It's impossible to say nothing.

KRYCEK: No, it's not impossible to say nothing.

MARITA (sarcastically): Really?

KRYCEK: Really. "Nothing." There! I said nothing.

MARITA (confused): But you did say something!!

KRYCEK: No, I said nothing.

MARITA (threatening): You did say something, because nothing is something!!

KRYCEK: I said nothing!!!

MARITA: Liar!!

KRYCEK: No, you're a liar!!

MARITA: Liar, liar!! Pants on fire!!

KRYCEK: Same to you!!

(We continue to hear MARITA and KRYCEK bicker as the scene closes.)

******************************************************************************

(Setting: At the first tee of the golf course. We see SKINNER, DOGGETT, and SCULLY
approaching the tee box, all bearing golf bags stuffed to the brim with golf clubs. DOGGETT and
SCULLY, unaccustomed to the spikes on their golf shoes, are having difficulties keeping up with
SKINNER, who stops every once in a while to impatiently wait for them to catch up. Eventually, they
get to the tee box, and wait for their "new friend":)

DOGGETT: I wonder who's going to be playing with us.

SKINNER: Idunno . . .

SCULLY: Hopefully somebody who doesn't have access to my apartment, office, or any other
place in which I value my privacy . . .

DOGGETT: Hopefully somebody who doesn't have mysterious visions . . .

SKINNER: Hopefully somebody who doesn't smoke cigarettes . . .

(And suddenly, right behind them, their "new" golfing buddy reveals his identity:)

MULDER: Hey, guys!

SCULLY (her eyes the size of ping-pong balls): Mulder?! Is it really you?!?!?!

MULDER: Scully?!

SKINNER: I don't believe it!

DOGGETT (angrily kicking his golf bag): Crud!! I guess just because you're in the opening
credits doesn't mean Chris Carter can't fire you after barely one measly season after all!!

SCULLY: Mulder?!

MULDER: Scully?!

SCULLY: Mulder!

MULDER: Scully!

SCULLY: Mulder!

MULDER: Scully!

SCULLY: Mulder!!

MULDER: Scully!!

SCULLY: Mulder!!

SKINNER: Uhhh . . . Mulder, Scully? . . .

MULDER (continuing): Scully!

SCULLY: Mulder!!

MULDER: Scully!!

SCULLY: Mulder!!

SKINNER: Hey, AGENTS!!!!!! There are two other people here, you know!!

MULDER (snapping out of it): Huh?! Oh! Well . . . uh, I guess . . . It's, uh, great to see you,
Scul--everybody!! Hey (indicating DOGGETT), who's this guy?

DOGGETT: Who, me? Oh, don't mind me . . . I'm just another main character that'll be
killed-off eventually . . . (mournfully) It's only a matter of time now . . .

MULDER: Oh. Okay. Well, I'm going to golf with you all today . . . the aliens let me out of
the UFO for a breather. Hooo, boy!! Did I ever need it!! Do you have any idea how tight of a
squeeze it is in that thing?!

SCULLY (worried): Mulder, what did they do to you in the UFO?!

MULDER: Well, there's this guy named Chris Carter who works me to death . . . Oops!! Wait
. . . Lemme start over. Okay, there are all these alien bounty hunters who do nothing all day except
stretch my face all out with this weird machine . . .

DOGGETT (wallowing in self-pity): Oh! Woe is me, woe is me!!

MULDER (annoyed): Do you mind?! I'm trying to come-up with a heart-wrenching story to
impress Scully here!!

DOGGETT: Hey!! It's only a matter of time before Chris Carter has me killed-off now that
you're back. The least you can do is allow me to wallow in my own self-pity . . . It's not like YOU'RE
the one who's going to be killed-off!!

MULDER: That's because there would be riots in the streets of Los Angeles if Chris Carter
allowed that!! You're just the stupid new guy!! Nobody will care!!

DOGGETT: Agent Scully!! Do something!!

SCULLY: Ummm . . . I really don't think I should be taking sides in this . . .

MULDER (to DOGGETT): I'll bet you've got a Titleist putter!!

DOGGETT: I'll bet YOU'VE got a Ping putter!!

MULDER: I do not!!

DOGGETT: Do too!!

MULDER: Do not!!

DOGGETT: Do too!!

MULDER: Do not!!

DOGGETT: Do too!!

MULDER (pulling the driver out of his golf bag): All right, you asked for it!!

SCULLY (annoyed): Mulder, don't. He's just the new guy. Give him a break.

DOGGETT (warning her as he pulls out his driver): Stay out of this, Agent Scully!!

(DOGGETT and MULDER are now brandishing their drivers, with the heads up in the air as
each wants to whap his opponent on the head with scowls on their faces. SCULLY rolls her eyes,
and pulls out her cell phone to play "Snake"; SKINNER has been playing "Snake," and continues to do
so. MULDER takes a swing at DOGGETT with his driver, but misses. DOGGETT grabs the head of
the driver and yanks on it, making MULDER loose his balance and fall to the ground. DOGGETT
ominously raises his driver in the air over MULDER, preparing to take a swing at him, but MULDER
manages to reach his own driver at the last minute. MULDER swings the driver and hits DOGGETT
right between the eyes. DOGGETT falls to the ground, unconscious. MULDER jumps up and down
waving his driver shouting "I won!! I won!! I won!!" SCULLY rolls her eyes:)

SCULLY: Are you two done?

MULDER (still overjoyed about his victory): I won, Scully!! I WON!!
IWONIWONIWONIWONIWON!!

SCULLY (focusing her attention back onto "Snake"): Yes, Mulder. You won. That's great.
Whoop-de-doo. Yee-haw. I feel great.

MULDER: Scully! I thought you'd be really happy! What's wrong?!

SCULLY: Well, it's not like I couldn't see it coming, Mulder.

MULDER: What?! Why?

SCULLY: There would be riots in the streets of Los Angeles if Agent Doggett had won.

MULDER: Mmmmm . . . good point, Scully.

SCULLY (to SKINNER): Uh, sir . . . if we're going to play some golf, we'd better get going.

SKINNER (in the famous "Snake" trance): Mmmmmmmmmm . . .

SCULLY (clears her throat, then): SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SKINNER: Huh?! Wha--?

SCULLY: We should probably get going . . .

SKINNER: Oh!! Right. You want to go first, Scully?

SCULLY: Okay.

******************************************************************************

Will Mulder, Scully, and Skinner actually get to play golf today, or will somebody else
intervene? Will Doggett ever regain consciousness? What will become of the Cigarette-Smoking Man?
Will Langly and Frohike stop tormenting Byers? And will Krycek and Marita ever quit bickering?
Please read "Fore and Four (Part II)" to find out!! :)

Don't forget: I love reviews!! ;) Thanx!!