The Last Kiss
He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.
"I can't pretend any more. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."
"No– listen, I didn't mean—"
"—to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"
He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole...
* * *
And to her surprise, she turned around to see Severus stumbling into the Gryffindor common room behind her, fumbling in his robes and trying feebly to regain his composure. His deep black eyes searched her own, pleading with their emerald gaze.
"Get out," she said coldly, only vaguely aware that several other students were also in the room, lounged about in oversized arm chairs and reading in front of the fire. Lily didn't even know how late it was, but it had to be past midnight. The intensity of his gaze did not wane as she spoke, although she thought she saw a subtle blush awaken his otherwise pale cheeks.
"I won't leave until you explain to me what you mean by 'pretend'," Severus replied, hovering close to her. His eyes surveyed the room and he leaned in so that their lips almost touched, and Lily felt his warm breath caress her cheek. He then whispered, "perhaps this would be best discussed in private." She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, all too aware of what the words meant.
"You can't get into the girls' dormitory," she muttered, her eyes still closed. "There are protective charms over the entrances, you know that." Even though her gaze met the floor, she could see in her mind's eye Severus's silent reply, which undoubtedly materialized as a smile that could be described as nothing less than smug.
"That hasn't stopped us before," he replied, his eyes surveying her hungrily.
It was this typical yet somehow always surprising self-assurance that did Lily in. For a rather skinny and physically awkward young man, Severus always exuded a confidence that she could not understand; or, perhaps to phrase it more accurately, he always exuded this confidence around her, as if he knew something about her that she did not. Of course it could not be said of Severus Snape that he was physically unattractive; Lily saw an endearing depth in his face that drew her in like none of the more traditionally handsome Hogwarts students, like James Potter or Sirius Black, in spite of their continuous advances. Severus's black eyes somehow made her feel like she was being carried out to sea when she looked into them, effortlessly losing herself. It was for this reason that she kept her own eyes fixed on the floor.
"In case you hadn't realized," she rebutted, also whispering, "I am furious with you. There is nothing to discuss."
As she spoke, her spine tingled as Severus gently pushed a stray strand of long, golden-red hair away from her face. His hands moved with a swift confidence that declared a sort of ownership, just as they always did when he touched her. He then moved his hand down her shoulders to the small of her back, pulling her with him toward the entrance and away from possible watchful eyes. Still looking at the floor, she shivered a bit as Severus's mouth touched her ear and whispered silkily, "you know where to meet me. I will see you there in fifteen minutes."
And with that, he slipped out of the door, his robes trailing behind him. Lily closed her eyes, sighed, and began her walk up to the girls' dormitory, pretending to ignore the common room's whispers as she left.
* * *
Lily remembered the first time that Severus had told her about the Room of Requirement. It hardly seemed logical that such a magical necessity would appear in order to accommodate two Hogwarts students in need of privacy, and she scoffed at his suggestion that they try it out. Severus always had a knack for thinking outside the cauldron, and little did Lily know that the Room of Requirement would serve as a haven for them, night after night, over the course of four years. Of course when they first arrived at Hogwarts at the tender age of eleven the Room served no more purpose than providing a place to study and chat alone in the evenings; as such, the Room offered no more than a table with two chairs, a bookshelf and the occasional pitcher of pumpkin juice. Lily could never understand how this space was 'required' for them, but Severus seemed convinced that the cruelty of him and Lily being placed into separate houses was understood by the force at work, and clearly it also understood the need for the two of them to be together. And, just as Severus had predicted, the Room materialized each time the pair of them sought it out.
In the past year, however, the contents of the Room had changed to match the intentions of its users.
Lily knew that Severus was already waiting for her. She took a deep breath, drew her wand from her night robe pocket, and quietly whispered the incantation. The door appeared before her like clockwork, and she hastily grasped the handle and flung herself inside.
The familiar image was there, as it had been since September of that school year; instead of a table with two chairs there was a grand four poster bed, complete with a canopy. Silky lilac sheets were draped around it, as they always were. Lily never ceased to question if Severus could somehow read her thoughts, as she undoubtedly had fantasized about having a bed very much like this one on more than one occasion. The book shelf still remained in the corner, beneath a large window that provided a splendid view of the Hogwarts grounds.
Perhaps the most familiar part was the image of Severus sitting upon the edge of the bed, an endearingly eager look in his eyes. Tonight, however, his eyes were downcast, and he seemed to jump up nervously as Lily closed the door behind her.
His eyes travelled down the length of her body, as they always did, even though her youthful curves were hidden beneath her mass of a night gown. Lily knew, however, that his gaze was based upon memory, for he surely knew too well what the black layers concealed.
Lily had to make it apparent to him that this would not be one of those meetings, since his invitation earlier seemed to carry with it such an implication. In support of this cause, she looked away from him and strolled nonchalantly to the window, staring blankly out onto the grounds.
For a few moments Severus did not move. He seemed to be searching for the words. And then they came.
"Forgive me," he said almost too matter-of-factly, as if it were a proclamation rather than a request.
Lily did not look away from the window. "No," she said simply.
She heard his footsteps approach and within a matter of seconds his hands rested gingerly upon her waist, and his nose and lips touched the back of her head. She felt him breathe in deeply.
"Lily," he began. Hearing her name roll off his lips always had a slightly incapacitating effect on her, and she heard his words that would follow in her head even before he spoke them.
"Don't," was all she replied, and as she tried to stir his arms locked tightly around her waist and he spoke into her hair.
"I love you."
"It's too late for that," was all she could muster, tears welling in her eyes.
Severus's mannerism suddenly shifted, and without a word he whirled her around to face him. His cold hand found the back of her neck, urging her face up to look directly into his own. His voice was suddenly serious and sullen.
"What do you mean you are tired of pretending?" he demanded.
Lily knew what she had to say. She just didn't know where to begin. Severus seemed to sense this, and he released her and began to pace the length of the room, stopping every few seconds to study her face.
"You know why I called you Mudblood," he finally said.
Lily examined him, her emerald eyes wide with resentment and a vague understanding, which she was determined to hide from him. "No, I don't," she replied.
This seemed to bring Severus to the point of fury, and he approached her once again so that their faces were nearly touching.
"I called you Mudblood because you," he paused and took a breath. "You are the one who is so afraid of all your Gryffindor cronies knowing that you are with me, that we are together." He seemed to consider this notion momentarily before he continued to speak. "When you decided to defend me to that Potter git, I saw the fear in your eyes. The regret," he breathed deeply. "The fear that you had gone too far and revealed our secret."
"That's not true," Lily rebutted, a feigned confusion in her voice because she knew that there was a hint of truth to the accusation.
"You know it is true!" He growled, pacing once again. "And I saw it in your eyes. So I saved you," he continued. "Now they will all think that I hate you, just as you want them to. I will remain the arrogant, intolerant Slytherin to them, just as you wish. Well," he rushed back over to her, his eyes pleading with hers. "I am the one who is tired of pretending. I am tired of loving you in secret, of hiding our love from everyone else. I am tired of hearing Potter whisper invitations to you when I am there, and imagining the things that he says to you when I am not there. I am tired," his voice became raspy, almost painful, "of meeting in secret because you are ashamed of me."
"I am not – "
"You are," he cut her off, his voice escalating. His hands seized her arms and she flinched within his grasp. He clearly sensed this and he softly brushed his hand down her cheek, brushing away the remnants of her tears. "You are ashamed of me. And I love you."
With that he replaced the fingers on her cheek with his lips, and he kissed it softly. He continued to kiss down the length of her face until his lips found hers, and in spite of her anger, her fear, all of the impalpable emotions that she was feeling, she returned the kiss hungrily and let the weight of her body sink into his arms. He pressed her body tightly against his own, unable to hide his desire to make her a part of him. Lily's better judgement was screaming in protest, but her heart beat to the rhythm of an omnipotent drummer, drowning out the logic that was, in that moment, an externality at best.
"Now tell me," Severus whispered silkily, pulling his face away from hers and touching her lips with his forefinger. "Tell me, my sweet Lily, what you are tired of pretending."
Lily knew it was now or never. All these things that she had needed to say to Severus were burning up inside of her, and she had to release them now. She had hoped that feigning rage over the Mudblood incident earlier that day would have provided her with an escape; a legitimate way to sever their ties without having to reveal the doubts that had haunted her for the past few months.
Severus's eyes searched hers expectantly.
Lily hesitated. "I am tired of pretending..." she trailed off and then looked into his eyes. Like hypnotic ocean currents they invited her in, and so she looked at the floor. "I am tired of pretending that I am all right with your obsession with the Dark Arts." She paused and sensed his reaction, and continued before he had the chance to speak. "I am tired of being afraid."
The words seemed to cut Severus like a knife. He cupped her face, almost frantically, and thrust her gaze up to meet his own.
"Afraid?" seemed to be all that he could muster up. "Afraid? Lily....I could never..." his voice trailed off, and he closed his eyes with exaggerated strain. "I could never hurt you. You know that I would never hurt you."
Lily had imagined that this would constitute his reaction, and so she drew another breath and continued. "You say that," she said. "But you don't know what you are capable of," she sensed her own body shiver at the implication. "You are a skilled and gifted wizard, Sev. It is natural to be curious in the Dark Arts, but it is something completely different to be consumed by them, as you have been the past few months."
He seemed to draw back from her at the accusation, but he still did not speak. Feeling more sure of herself, Lily continued. "I am Muggle-born, and even though you say now that there is nothing wrong with that, I know how your friends are. And don't tell me," her small voice suddenly became something close to ferocious. "Don't you dare tell me that you don't wish to keep me a secret from your Death Eater cronies."
The last implication clearly stung Severus, and he took a few hesitant steps backward. There was nothing that he could say to contest this because he knew that it was at least partially true. His lack of response gave her the pressing motivation to say the forbidden words; to say what she had come here to say.
"You know I love you, Severus," she whispered in calm, controlled breaths. "But this has to end." She looked up, into his black, wounded eyes. "We have to end."
There was a definitiveness in her voice that Severus clearly did not see any point in arguing with. A deep, aching part of her was waiting for him to renounce the Dark Arts and his friends that practised them. But she knew that he wouldn't. And he didn't.
"It," he stammered, glancing at the floor. "It doesn't have to be too late for us. I will take you tomorrow to them, I'll tell them about you; you'll see that I don't..."
"Stop," she managed, choking back a sob. Tears began to stream down her face in vast quantities. "Please, just stop."
Severus did stop, and he nodded his agreement knowingly. Now where did this leave them?
He seemed to be contemplating the same question for what felt like an eternity, and after a few minutes' hesitation, he bounded toward her and, in a single motion, scooped her up into his arms, pressing her head against his neck. Severus, however, did not cry.
"Give me tonight," he whispered, tenderly kissing her forehead.
There was nothing else to say, and Lily knew it. She nodded. Tonight was the least that she could give him, knowing fully well that this would be the last time that they would ever be alone together. She did her best to push these thoughts away, however, as Severus carried her towards the bed and gently placed her petite frame upon the lilac sheets. He traced the length of her body with his hand before lying next to her.
"Look at me," he whispered.
She obeyed. He studied her eyes with his own, memorizing them. She could read years of pain and loneliness in his eyes, and it made her wonder what he could read in hers. The thought vanished, however, as Severus placed her head gently upon his chest and Lily eventually fell asleep to the rhythmic beating of his heart.
