A/N: So, I was reading the old The Lightning Thief Parody and it occurred to me that the story was kind of jagged and short, and there were points I didn't even hit upon. So, I'm bringing it back, hopefully better than last time.
So anyway, as a disclaimer, I don't own Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Also, I'd just like to say this is a parody and I don't mean to insult/offend anyone. And, the character's views and my own are not necessarily the same.
Poseidon controlled his sleigh/chariot and tried not to run over another pedestrian like he usually did as he made his way to Olympus.
While it was true that he was the God of the Sea, it was also true that with time they started adopting new personalities with time. And that's how he had also assimilated the role of Santa Claus over time. And hey, it wasn't bad being adored by millions of children around the world. Plus, he could always give Zeus coal for Christmas
But today, being summer, he had decided not to don his usual red suit and dressed like he was going for the beach instead.
Now, Zeus had decided to call a meeting of the gods, which signaled he was seriously majorly upset. This probably meant that something important had happened.
Then again, Zeus got seriously majorly upset if his chocolate ice cream sundae wasn't chilled to exactly 37.493752056 degrees Fahrenheit and didn't have exactly five nuts in it, so that wasn't really a big guarantee.
Poseidon took his seat. He had been the last of the gods to arrive, and then Zeus cleared his throat.
"First of all, I have to announce that I'm changing my name to Jeus," he said. He pronounced it like 'juice.'
"Uh, why?" Poseidon asked.
"Because I'm called Zeus, and Jupiter at the same time," Zeus said. "I mean, it's so confusing, so I decided to merge them into one awesome name so I don't get confused anymore, and Zupiter sounded stupid, so…"
"Uh-huh," Poseidon said.
Meanwhile, Apollo leaned over towards Artemis and whispered, "I bet you ten drachmas Hera starts calling herself Huno by the end of this fanfic."
"Deal," Artemis whispered back.
"Another thing," Jeus said. "My Master Bolt is missing."
"You mean the bolt that controls all bolts?" Athena asked.
Jeus nodded, while Apollo began singing, "One Bolt to rule them all, One Bolt to find them, One Bolt to-"
He never got further as Ares knocked him out. Apollo had forgotten that all references to The Lord of the Rings were banned on Olympus since the incident of August 2007.
Apollo Owned: 1
"So, who took it?" Jeus asked.
"I don't know. Are you sure you didn't lose it?" Poseidon asked. "Because it isn't it my bathroom."
"Why would the Master Bolt be in your bathroom?" Athena asked.
"Uh, well, this is kind of hard for me to say, but I kind of used the Master Bolt occasionally to unclog my toilet," Poseidon said awkwardly.
There was an awkward silence after that, with Zeus glaring at Poseidon.
"Why does Poseidon even need a toilet? It's not like we have to, you know…" Hermes said, but softly so no one heard him.
Athena meanwhile, was being occupied by memories of her childhood, or to be more accurate, when she had just emerged out of Zeus' skull.
Flashback to Athena's 'Childhood'
Of course, Athena had been born fully grown, but Zeus seemed to be having trouble with that. He had made a small shirt saying 'Daddy's Little Girl' on it which waaaay too many sizes small for her. He had even tried to burp her once.
Athena sort of felt sorry for punching him the face that time so hard.
"Okay," Zeus said as he put down his Master Bolt and grabbed a slice of cake. "Open your mouth for the airplane!"
"For the thousandth time," Athena said, "I am not a child. I do not need to be fed. And airplanes haven't even been invented yet, stop messing around with the time stream!"
"Okay," Zeus said. "Open wide for the choo-choo train!"
"That's even more ridiculous," Athena said. "And trains haven't been invented either."
Then again, Athena did feel bad for breaking Zeus' nose, so she thought that she might indulge him just this once.
Back To the Present
It just occurred to Athena then that Zeus had been touching the Master Bolt before feeding her, and hadn't bothered to wash his hands beforehand. And he never washed the Master Bolt. And it had been in Poseidon's toilet.
Now, some people might say that Athena was a bit of a germaphobe, but that wasn't true, it was just that she knew a lot about microbiology, having been the pioneer of the field, so she was germ-averse.
Zeus was about to say something the Poseidon when Athena screamed so loudly it nearly shattered Poseidon's eardrums, and then she ran out of the place to go wash her mouth.
Once everyone had recovered from this sonic attack, Zeus said, "I happen to have found a clue regarding who stole it though on this very official-looking memo." He held up a stack of napkins which had this written on them:
Dear Zeus,
I just wanted to let you know about who stole your Master Bolt and all. It was Posydin, so just believe me and accept this as a fact. And oh yeah, I wasn't involved in stealing it at all.
Signed,
Luke Castellan
When Zeus had found this and managed to read it, his thought was, 'This Luke boy sounds like a nice upstanding gentleman. I sure do believe him."
Poseidon grabbed it and said, "You do realize that this is written on a stack of napkins in crayon and it looks like a kindergartner wrote it, not to mention that my name is spelled wrong. Do you call this official-looking?"
"That's exactly what the thief would have said," Zeus said, which was something that he had planned to say no matter what Poseidon said in response to the memo.
Poseidon sighed. The only one who could make Zeus see sense was Athena, and she was out unfortunately.
"Okay, if you really want your bolt back, didn't you install a 'Find My Bolt' app in it?" Poseidon asked as he whipped out a laptop. "Let me just connect to the Olympus network."
The following message came up: We seem to have trouble connecting with the server. Please try again later.
'Oh well,' Poseidon thought. 'They'll probably get it back up soon.'
Six Hours Later
"Probably only a little more," Poseidon said as it had still not been fixed.
Six Days Later
"Any minute now," Poseidon said.
Six Weeks Later
At this point, Poseidon didn't trust himself to say anything as he would probably have just caused a tsunami somewhere. He tried to remain calm as possible as he put his laptop away.
"I want my bolt back!" Jeus shouted.
"When is the server going to be back up?" Poseidon asked.
Hephaestus pulled out an abacus and began moving the beads on it. After ten minutes he said, "Six to nine months."
"Sixty-nine months!" Poseidon exclaimed.
"No, six to nine months," Hephaestus said.
"How do you even get a number like that?" Poseidon asked. "How are you going to fix it?"
"Spit, grit, and a whole lot of duck tape," Hephaestus replied.
"I don't care about that," Jeus said. "I want you to get me my Master Bolt back by the winter solstice, or else there's going to be war."
"Out of pure curiosity, why did you pick the winter solstice as the deadline?" Poseidon asked.
"That's when I'll be done with my copy of Pokemon Alpha Ruby," Jeus said.
"War is about to break out," Hermes said. "This is just like that Cinco de Mayo celebration all over again. Or that time we visited the Vikings." To make a long story short, the Olympians had encountered the Norse Gods, and Zeus' tooth was still stuck in Thor's arm. At least this wasn't as bad as that time they had tried to hold a prom like regular mortals. No, that night was more commonly referred to as 'The Night We Shall Never Speak of Again and Try Not to Think About.'
And with that, the meeting was over.
A/N: So, how'd you guys like it? I tried to smooth things over this time unlike the old one which was rather choppy. Also, I'm going to reuse some things from the old one, but change a few things too. Also, I always like reviews on what your favorite part/line was and all that.
Also, should I leave the old one alone? I kind of don't feel like deleting it.
