Why?

Why would he do this? Is there some cruel, sadist lurking behind those aqua eyes and angelic smile?

No... I know there's not. Though it may make me feel better to believe so. I think his gentle heart would shatter if he knew how much he's hurt me. Of course, it was all unintentional.

After I escaped from Libra I was immediately taken in by the remaining heads of the Romafeller Foundation. They wanted me to take up the reigns and rebuild the foundation, make it the institution it once was. A daunting task considering how, under men like my grandfather, Romafeller had just run rough shod over Earth and space. But, I had never backed away from something difficult in my life. Besides, I had nothing else to do.

Since I was four years old and came to live with my grandfather I had been working for the Foundation in one form or another. I was trained early to develop a photographic memory so I could wander through parties and memorize conversations I overheard. It's surprising how many people will actually ignore someone that falls below their line of sight. I uncovered many secrets for Romafeller that way.

As I grew older, other duties became expected of me. I was taught all the normal social graces befitting someone of my family's status, but I was also taught darker uses for my charms and beauty. That such demands were placed on me at what some would say was a tender age, by my grandfather no less, was simply too much to bear.

I truly believe that's when I shut down. I buried my heart, but for some cursed reason I kept on living. The only two people in all that time had come close to bringing it back; my dearest cousin Treize Khushrenada and our childhood friend Milliardo Peacecraft. Trieze understood the emotionally crushing demands of life within the Foundation, and Milliardo understood the pain of losing your parents to war. Kindred spirits you could call us. That was why I rushed to help them with their plan to bring about the end of war.
Now they were both gone, my grandfather was dead (with a little help from me), and I was completely alone.

That's how I felt right up to that night. It was another in a sting of mind-numbing balls celebrating the end of the war. As head of Romafeller it was expected for me to attend. I saw Miss Relena for a moment. We'd rarely spoken in the weeks following the Eve Wars. I really don't believe there was much to be said between us. I looked at all those other smiling faces. So polite when I was in front of them, cutting me to pieces as soon as they thought I was out of earshot. I just wanted to throw my head back and scream until my voice ceased. That's when I saw him.

God, he still had that same caring expression. He can't be looking at me. No, he shouldn't care about me. I stabbed him for crying out loud. I retreated from that emotional aqua stare to one of the balconies. Of course he found me there. I couldn't believe it. He wanted to make sure that "I" was ok after the battle. Unbelievable. I tore into him of course as I had during our duel. To his credit he stood fast, taking everything I threw at him. When I was finally out of breath he smiled and asked if I felt better. You just can't win against this boy.

We talked the rest of the night. He told me about his work with his family's company, the tasks he was involved in on the Mars terraforming project, and how he'd moved to Earth to centralize all his efforts. He smiled and said he'd heard of my new role with Romafeller and offered me any help the Winner Foundation could provide. Was it right then? Is that when it happened? Is that when I started to feel again?

We started working closely together on several projects. We would meet for lunch, at each other's offices, and occasionally have dinner. At first I just concentrated on the work we were doing, but as time went on I found that I enjoyed just being in his company. To the casual observer Quatre Winner may seem shy and withdrawn, but he has and incredibly keen mind (and a surprisingly wicked little streak when it comes to pranks).

The true extent of my feelings hit me, however, at a ball similar to the one where I met him again. I had come with an associate from Romafeller. He was an arrogant, pompous braggart like so many of the men there; and I realized I'd spent all evening thinking about Quatre. How this idiot just didn't measure up to him. Then I realized it. I.. I.. I loved him. God I remember sitting on my bed holding myself, just rocking trying to process that. I fell in love with him. I... could still love. My heart wasn't dead. I wanted to tell him right then. But no this was something I had to do in person. The very next morning I drove to his house. I stood at the gate and was about to press the buzzer when I saw him come out the front door. He.. he wasn't alone. I recognized the tall brunette boy beside him. He went by the alias Trowa Barton. I didn't think anything of it at first. I knew that he was close to all the other Gundam pilots. Then I saw him pull Quatre into a deep kiss. Yes my heart was alive, because it was shredding my soul to pieces.

I don't know how I made it home that day. I also don't know how many days passed as I sat in my darkened room, curled in my blanket, a constant river of tears on my cheeks. The message light on my phone blinked furiously... calls from the Foundation, associates, and several calls from Quatre, each more concerned than the last. I couldn't talk to him. If I tried I know I wouldn't be able to hide my hurt from him.

I sent the servants away this morning. A few resisted, afraid to leave their mistress in such a bereaved state; but I insisted. After they were gone I wrapped in a sheet and walked the grounds behind my house, not really focusing on were I was going. I wasn't surprised to see where I was when I finally looked up. The beautiful view of the sea from this cliff was one of the reasons my father had built our house here I was told.

Now I stand here watching the water swirling far below my feet. Am I being punished? What have I done that is so horrible to be condemned like this? To be shown the wonders of my heart and learning to love again only to have it all snatched away. Is God truly this cruel?

I watch my tears fall to the sea, drifting past a feather lost by a sea bird. I heard the ancient Egyptians believed that when you died, the gods weighed your soul against a divine feather to see if you were worthy of an afterlife. As I step towards the edge I wish there were such gods now to tell me...

am I worthy?