This is the first of what I hope will be 25 daily installments leading up to Christmas. Hope you enjoy!

1 December 2014

The winter darkness almost felt solid as John Paul forced himself out of bed this Monday morning. The house was totally silent and nothing could be heard from the street. It was as if he was totally alone in the world.

He liked that feeling.

The reality was very different. He was living in a crowded house, with countless McQueens, spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends, and he'd grown to appreciate those few minutes of complete solitude, where he could brush his teeth, shower, shave, have his coffee, and gather the strength needed to face the world. The strength needed to convince his worried family, friends and colleagues that things were getting better.

As he entered the hallway he could hear various volumes of snores coming from the other bedrooms and the dread kicked in, and he started wondering if everyone wouldn't be better off if he'd just left.

He knew that Matthew would be loved and raised by his adoring aunts and wouldn't have to watch his dad in the state that he'd been ever since he was raped almost a year ago. No, John Paul knew that Matthew saw right through his pretense. He could feel it every time he'd leave for work in the morning and come home in the evening, not wanting to let go. Not that Matthew knew what had happened, of course, but the little guy had obviously sensed that something was wrong ever since John Paul came home after that horrible experience. John Paul realised that Matthew would never get over losing his father like that, so every morning he made the same choice, to leave his passport in the drawer, and just face the world and go to work.

He hadn't yet reached that decision this first morning of December when he came downstairs and noticed that someone had forgotten to unplug the Christmas lights in the living-room window. Although irritated by the carelessness the multicoloured lights cheered him up all the same, and he found himself whistling Jingle Bells as he started making his pot of coffee after having plugged in the identical light series in the kitchen window.

A few minutes later he sat down at the kitchen table with his coffee mug. Smiling wistfully at the seasonal lights he automatically reached for his briefcase where he kept his antidepressants. He took one pill and drank his coffee in silence as he thought about his life, the lightness he'd felt earlier gradually fading away.

The McQueen household was still quiet when he finished his coffee, rinsed the mug under the tap, grabbed his suitcase and headed out of the house.

Just as he was about to close the door behind him a picture of his passport in the drawer flashed through his head. He hesitated for a slight moment before pulling the door shut.

"Craig, wake up! Our taxi's coming on twenty minutes!"

It was the third time Siobhan tried to wake up her boyfriend this morning. She didn't understand why he was being so difficult. It wasn't as if it was that early, and besides, he was always the first one out of the bed when they had to get up for work.

"Craig, I mean it. You don't want to let the guy wait."

She'd already showered and finished the left of her packing and knew that it wouldn't take Craig long to get ready. If only he'd get out of bed.

What she didn't know was that he wasn't really asleep. As he pretended to be dead to her, a battle was going on in his mind. A forceful part of him was fighting valiantly to remain in bed as long as it took for them to miss the taxi and consequently the flight home to England. He knew that the more honourable side of him would win, however, as he wouldn't want to explain to either his girlfriend or indeed his mum why they missed the flight.

As Siobhan started pushing him towards the edge of the bed he knew the battle was over and threw in the towel, opening his eyes, forcing a loving smile as he reached out for her and pulled her towards him for a quick kiss.

"Good morning, princess, sorry about that. I'll just jump in the shower and freshen up and then we're out of the door."

Once in the bathroom he opened the tap and waited for the water heat to adjust. By habit he turned his face towards the mirror. The expression that met him betrayed his innermost feelings. Dread and sadness. The tears welled up in his eyes as he stepped into the bathtub, but were swiftly washed away by the water. A few new ones joined the mix, but by the time he'd finished washing himself, they'd dried up.

He used the few minutes it took to brush his teeth and put on his moisturiser, deodorant and after shave to practice his most convincing smile.

He was ready by the time the taxi stopped outside their house.