Title: The Unwilling Punks of Shikon High
Genre: Humor, Parody
Summary: Utilizing the power of badfic authors, Naraku devises his most fiendish plan yet. How will our heroes survive when they're forced to navigate the hallways of a bad high school AU and face off against their fanfic counterparts?
Chapter One: Introductions
"Kanna, are you sure this is going to work?" Kagura asked, glancing disinterestedly around the room. It was large and cavernous, lit only by the dim lamps at each of the many tables. It was also quiet, the silence broken only by the clicking of twenty or so girls as they typed away at their keyboards.
Kanna, for her part, didn't even bother to look around. She stood next to Kagura, staring blankly at the opposite wall. "Naraku said that it would work."
"Yeah, I know what he said. But it seems like a damn waste of time. Still, twenty jewel shards in those com-pyu-ter things, he must think it'll work." It would be so easy to smash those devices and take them for myself, she mentally added. She glanced over at Kanna. The girl was obviously there as a pointed reminder that Naraku didn't trust her. And he probably had something nasty planned if she tried anything.
Kagura sighed. "Reduced to a babysitter for a bunch of little twits. One day Naraku will get his." There was a pause as twenty girls glared furiously at Kagura, and then a flurry of typing as the wind sorceress was crucified in twenty fanfictions.
"This is so boring. Kanna, show me Sesshoumaru again."
"I can't believe you can be so insensitive, Inu-yasha!" The scream echoed through the forest.
"Oh, come on! It was just a stupid test! What's the big deal?"
Kagome stopped rummaging through her backpack to turn and glare at the half-demon roasting fish in front of her.
"The big deal? The big deal? The big deal is that I get the worst score I've ever gotten on one of the biggest tests of the year, and all you can think of to say is, 'Too bad. Did you bring ramen?' Can't you stop thinking about yourself for one minute?"
Inu-yasha opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Sango before he could anger Kagome further.
"Don't be upset, Kagome. Can't you take one of those 'make-ups' you told us about?"
"Yes, but I'll probably do even worse!"
"We'll just leave you alone and give you some time to study," Her voice took on a dangerous edge. "Won't we, Miroku and Inu-yasha?"
The monk looked up from his seat next to the fire. "Of course, Sango."
Inu-yasha rolled his eyes and brushed Shippou away from his fish. "Yeah, whatever. Stupid tests."
Kagome finished stacking her books and notes around herself and smiled gratefully.
"Thanks, guys. And Inu-yasha?"
"What?"
"Sit."
Kagura scowled as she flew out from Naraku's hideout, more convinced than ever that her master had the world's sickest sense of humor. Normally she wouldn't care, but she had a sinking suspicion that his plan was going to include her. Catching sight of one of Kikyou's soul collectors, she headed down.
"Hey, you!"
Number 22 turned to the strange woman on the feather, vaguely recognized her as one of Mistress's enemies, and hissed threateningly.
"Don't take that tone with me. I have a message for the priestess."
The soul collector gave her a calculating looking and raised one of its eyebrow ridges.
"Naraku says that Inu-yasha's going to be in severe danger very soon. And she should be able to sense his barrier now. You got that?"
Number 22 rolled his eyes and flew off. Why did Mistress associate with these people?
Rin sat on a rock, staring at the sky and humming cheerfully to herself. The girl sighed. When was Lord Sesshoumaru going to get back?
The day's tranquility was interrupted when a small girl in white emerged from the bushes. Rin sprang to her feet and ran over.
"Hi! My name's Rin! What's your name?"
Kanna stared at her for a moment. She hadn't been prepared for this. After a moment of contemplation, she settled on telling the truth.
"Kanna."
"Hi, Kanna! So where are you from? What are you doing here? Why are you dressed all in white? Do you like games?"
Kanna stared at Rin, mind blank on how to answer. Such unrestrained cheerfulness was completely alien to her. Fortunately, the other girl seemed more than content to keep talking. When Rin paused for breath, Kanna launched into the monologue Naraku had given her.
"I would like you to come with me. I have sweet foods to eat and small, fluffy animals."
Rin sat back down on her rock, her expression a cross between longing to go and longing to stay. "I can't. Lord Sesshoumaru told me to stay here. And Master Jaken was supposed to stay, too, but he followed after Lord Sesshoumaru, and he made me promise not to tell anyone—oh! Now you have to promise not to tell!" She looked at Kanna expectantly.
"Promise?" Kanna asked, unsure of what Rin meant.
"Good! I don't know what's so interesting about watching Lord Sesshoumaru bathe, though. So if I left, Master Jaken would be angry at me, and then Lord Sesshoumaru would be angry at me and Master Jaken, so I can't go with you."
Luckily for Kanna, Naraku had prepared her for that one as well. "Lord Sesshoumaru has given his permission."
"Um… okay!" And with that Rin grabbed Kanna by the hand and ran into the bushes, dragging the unfortunate demon with her. "We're gonna have so much fun! I can't wait! What kind of fluffy animals? Why do you dress all in white? Do you like games?" A pause, and then, "So where are we going?" Kanna began to suspect, with a sinking feeling of dread, that perhaps Naraku was punishing her for something.
Kagome looked up suddenly from her textbook and lightly kicked Inu-yasha, who was snoring by the fire. "Inu-yasha, I sense jewel shards approaching."
"What!" snapped Inu-yasha, jumping to his feet. He peered over the horizon to see a miniature tornado heading toward the group. "Oh great, it's that stupid wolf!" He pulled the Tetsusaiga from its scabbard and leveled it at the approaching demon.
Kouga, noticing the sword just in time, dodged to the side and kicked out at the flat of the blade, sending Inu-yasha off-balance and almost lopping off one of his dog ears. The wolf ran past him and grabbed Kagome's hands.
"Kagome, I love—"
"Kouga, behind you!" screamed Kagome. Her suitor whirled around to see a fist heading for his face. The blow sent him flying back a few yards; he jumped to his feet and lunged at Inu-yasha, to the dismay of Kagome and the others.
"That was a cheap shot, you mutt! I couldn't dodge it or you'd hit Kagome!" he yelled, lashing out.
Inu-yasha barely dodged the blow and responded with a punch of his own. "Yeah, right! You couldn't dodge it anyway!"
"Oh, yeah!"
"QUIET!" screamed Kagome again, startling the both of them enough that they actually stopped fighting for a moment. She smiled brightly. "I sense another jewel shard. Over…" She closed her eyes and concentrated for a moment. "There!"
As if on cue, Kohaku stepped out of the bushes that Kagome had indicated, looked around at the stunned group, and ran off. Sango was the first to react, leaping onto Kirara's back and taking off after him. The others followed; Kouga, who had no clue what was going on, shrugged to himself and ran after Kagome.
About ten minutes later, Inu-yasha came to a stop at the base of a mountain. Miroku, Kagome, and Kouga appeared behind him a few moments later, breathing heavily. Kagome dismounted her bicycle, positioning herself between Kouga and Inu-yasha.
"Why'd we stop here?" snarled Kouga.
"This is where Sango stopped," Inu-yasha replied testily, hand on his sword hilt.
Before a fight could break out, Miroku called from a few feet away. "Look, you two! This looks like the entrance to a cave. And the plants around it are pressed flat, as though someone came through here recently."
There was, in fact, a cave entrance at the mountain's base, a few feet high and near the ground. Inu-yasha was the first to crawl in, the others watching from outside.
"I smell Sango," he called up. "She was definitely here. Oh," he added as Kouga crashed to the ground behind him, "watch out for the drop after you get in."
"Wait," said Kouga, sniffing the air, "I think your brother was here, Inu-yasha."
The half-demon turned to him incredulously. "Sesshoumaru? What would he—wait, he was here! And… Kikyou?" He sniffed the air again, baffled. "What would Sesshoumaru and Kikyou be doing here?"
Following Kouga, Miroku and Kagome slipped through the cave entrance just as the air began to thicken with a foul-smelling purple gas. As he began coughing, Inu-yasha managed to choke out, "It must be… Naraku's trap…"
The last thing he heard before everything went black was Kouga's response of, "Gee, ya think!"
