Numb
Being a doctor makes you a very cold, distant sort of person if you plan on surviving the field.

There are lots of people in this hospital that are in comas. Some people, they're so sure that their loved ones will somehow make some kind of miraculous recovery and just...wake up one day. So they don't let us pull the plug and free up some much needed space around here. Instead, they allow their relative to just stay in their sleeping state, supported by all of our special little machines while they come in to visit them day after day after day.

I can't imagine being one of those people. Just sitting in a room with someone that used to be close to you, having a conversation with them as if they aren't in a an unconscious, completely unresponsive state. It must drive them crazy. Hoping and praying that something will change. Then being crushed just a little bit every time they walk in to find everything exactly the same. It would drive me fucking bonkers.

But I guess all of these people have a faith. That's something I don't have. Especially not in medical situations. I know the truth about those situations. They're very black and white for me. Being a doctor makes you a very cold, distant sort of person. Or it will if you plan on surviving in the field. You have to put up a severely secure wall that emotions can't penetrate when you're a doctor or you'll just drive yourself insane with grief.

I'm not saying every doctor is as aloof as me or anything, by no means am I saying that I'm not one hundred percent original. Some of them fake it. Caring about what happens to each of their patients. But I don't even put up that kind of front because there's no point in it. I can't possibly care that much about so many people I don't even know. I'm just real with these people. I'm just me with my patients. If that seems cold and heartless, then that's just what it'll have to be.

I'm not saying I'm bullet proof or anything. I've gotten attached to patients before, back when I first started out. I beat myself up for months because I let someone else's mom, sister, daughter, wife...whoever...die. But I learned from that and now I just ignore everything for as long as possible. But I let myself feel the sadness or remorse or whatever when I can.

When I'm at home, by myself with my Vicodin and my bourbon. To deal with all the shit I have to deal with being a doctor, I make myself feel nothing. Just numb. It's nice. It doesn't sound like it would be, but trust me. Feeling numb is the best feeling in the world when you come home from a day full of sickness, cancer, and death.