Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters belong to J.K. Rowling, all Aladdin ones belong to Disney. I own Professor Fields since I have no idea who teaches Muggle studies.
A/N: I always wondered what would happen if something other than an owl delivered a message to Hogwarts. Thus, the bird with the biggest mouth I could think of has been forced to deliver the mail.
It was a Monday morning like any other. The students were eating breakfast at their House tables, filling themselves to the brim since they wouldn't eat again until lunch. The teachers were seated at the Head Table in their usual positions, most not eating with as much vigor as their wards. Of course, everyone knew what time it was; the mail arrived at breakfast on Mondays.
All of the teachers looked up with similar expressions as a swarm of owls dove into the Hall. None of them wanted mail of any sort; any communication with the outside world would indicate that they actually had lives outside of Hogwarts. Unfortunately today, fate was not playing in one of the teacher's favor.
The students began to whisper avidly to each other; one of the birds stood out like a sore thumb. It was a bright red macaw, and it appeared to be reading a map. It kept glancing at the piece of paper, then back at the students below. The parrot then rolled its eyes and flew down to the Head table.
"Okay, which one of you's Professor Snape?" the parrot said, grabbing a mouthful of grapes from a bowl. "I gotta letter for him…so spit it out why don't cha?"
The parrot continued to pace across the table, jabbing its wing at various male teachers accusingly. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled in merriment as he respectfully declined the bird's accusation that he was secretly Professor Snape under some sort of concealing charm. The Headmaster did point out where Severus' normal seat was however, and stated that the Potions teacher was generally late for breakfast on Mondays.
"I guess I'll just wait for the Mighty Morphin' Power Monger then," the bird sneered, plunking himself in front of Professor Snape's plate. "What're you lookin' at? Never seen a talking bird before lady?"
Professor Trelawney, the unfortunate victim of the parrots jab, quickly looked down at her scrambled eggs. She mumbled something about her tea-leaves foretelling that she would be insulted this morning. The parrot strode over to her teacup and peered into it.
"You need new glasses lady," the parrot said, waving a wing dismissively. "There's nothing but a bunch of gross mulch down there. You wanna see the future? Ask an oracle."
The parrot's ranting finally ceased as Severus Snape made his usual omniscient entry. Black robes billowing, he strode across the Hall, ignoring the whispers amongst the children. What did they know? They were all just a bunch of useless dunderheads anyways.
Snape came to an abrupt halt the moment he saw the parrot at his seat.
`"What the Bloody Hell are you doing here you blasted bird?" Severus shouted as he ran to the Head table and grabbed the parrot around the torso. He started shaking the bird vigorously as the entire school watched with wide eyes. "Why did he send you Iago? Can't he just leave me well enough alone?"
Snape shot the school a death-glare as he let go of the struggling parrot. The bird managed to squeeze himself out of Snape's grasp, gasping for breath as he fell dramatically onto the table. Still sputtering, he glared at the Potions teacher with as much venom as a parrot could muster.
"What is with you wizards and torturing parrots?" Iago fumed as he managed to get up. Trelawny was leaning as far away as humanly possible from the bird, her bushy hair nearly in Professor Fields's lap. Professor Fields was the Muggle Studies teacher and he was completely fascinated that someone had been able to teach a parrot such an extensive vocabulary. "Like I always said; Jafar Junior."
This comment apparently sent Professor Snape over the edge. He grabbed the parrot around the beak and stared into its beady little black eyes. His next words were so cold and menacing it made the entire student body remain deadly quite.
"Tell your master that I am completely satisfied with my life as it is. You may thank him for all he has done, but I must respectfully decline his offer for dinner this evening. As you can clearly see…" Severus moved the bird so his bulging eyes could register the student body, "I have children to teach and much work to do. Do you understand me Iago?"
"Yes," was the muffled reply the parrot managed to get out from under Snape's vice-like grip.
"Good," Snape sneered as he let go of Iago.
The bird coughed dramatically as he flew on the spot. The bird's bushy black eyebrows pinned together as a wryly grin spread across his face. The parrot made a move to depart, but left a single message in his wake.
"I guess my 'Master' will have to use more drastic measures to get you to come tonight," Severus's head turned with a start. "Perhaps he'll send someone else…someone blue…and magical."
The students had never seen their Potions Master look completely and utterly terrified. His black eyes were wide with fright as he realized he would have to succumb to the wishes of the parrot. Then, the wizard was an image of defeat.
"Tell your master I'll be there at six o'clock you blasted bird," Snape said softly. "Now get out of my sight before I make sure the school has parrot for dinner!"
With a victorious cackle the parrot flew off, leaving a very embarrassed Severus Snape behind. No one would dare comment on the little scene that morning though; Snape was horrible on the best of days, but a ticked off Snape was catastrophic. For the first time in years, every student in Hogwarts was on their best behavior.
This did not stop Professor Snape from taking over 200 points from various Houses, (including his own,) before six o'clock.
