Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
- 'Ulysses', Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Gray stood hesitantly in the corner of the classroom, pretending to check his pockets for the hundredth time as he glanced around. There were more people here than he'd been expecting, and he wondered once again how Cana had convinced him to sign up for a dance class. His stomach churned uncomfortably.
"All right, everybody come line up in the center and we'll get started!" A tall woman with a shock of red hair clapped her hands, gesturing to a line in the middle of the room. Gray shuffled forward hesitantly, following the other men to stand along the right side of the class. Everyone here appeared to be his age, which was a relief.
"Seriously?" Gray glanced over to the man that stood beside him – a heavyset guy who had a scowl on his face and his arms crossed over his chest. Looking down the line of couples, Gray realized why he was angry. Everyone in the line was perfectly matched until them.
"Guess we're, um, stuck together, hey?" Gray cursed the uncertainty in his voice, trying to ignore the look of discomfort on the man's face. The dance instructor walked down the line, giving them a wide smile.
"Gentlemen, this is the first time we have ever had more men than women in this class," she said cheerfully. Gray tried to laugh, hoping it didn't sound too forced. Gods, what had he been thinking? Interacting with people was...not ideal.
"It's fine," he said, tapping his fingers against his palm.
"If you two wouldn't mind pairing up, at least for the first portion?" The instructor raised her eyebrows, and Gray glanced over at the other man, who was still scowling.
"I don't think so," the man growled, backing away from the lineup. Gray's stomach twisted, an embarrassed flush rising to his cheeks. Everyone was staring at them now, curious murmurs floating through the class. Gray clenched his fists, looking down at the ground and hoping his cheeks weren't too red.
"I'll switch." Gray glanced up to see another man with surprisingly pink hair – for a man his age – step away from his partner and walk over to them. His smile was wide and he held a hand out to Gray, pretending to bow. "Good sir."
"Oh. Um." Gray took the man's hand, hoping his palms weren't too sweaty. "Th-thanks." The man grinned, nodding at the instructor and then turning back to Gray.
"I'm Natsu," he said. "Hope you don't mind me cutting in."
"Yeah, um, I mean no. I don't. Mind." Gray bit the inside of his cheek. Not now, anxiety, he thought, focusing on the blue-and-purple pattern of Natsu's shirt. He was so...bright. "I'm, uh, Gray." He realized that they were still basically holding hands and considered letting go, but was distracted by the instructor starting the lesson.
Ten minutes later they were practicing the steps. It had been a bit of a shuffle to figure out whose hands went where, but Gray ended up leading. It had been a long time since he'd danced – Amy had loved it, but in her last few years she'd struggled to stand, never mind move like this.
"You're good," Natsu commented, wincing as he stepped on Gray's foot for the fifth time. "Sorry, I'm a bit of a klutz." Gray chuckled, nudging Natsu's hip to encourage him to move. He'd never danced with a man before, but it wasn't as awkward as he'd been expecting it to be. The initial anxiety he'd felt was ebbing away, bit by bit, and Natsu's awkwardness actually helped.
"You're doing fine," Gray reassured him, letting the tempo of the music guide his movements. Natsu didn't take too long to catch on, and while his steps were slightly less smooth than Gray's, they ended up moving together nicely. "See? Not so hard." Natsu laughed.
"You done this before?" He asked, tipping his head and raising his eyebrows. "'cause I think that's cheating. This class is supposed to be for beginners." He gestured around them to the other couples who were struggling to make it through the basic steps, then winked at Gray.
Gray shook his head, laughing. "My...wife and I, we..." He paused. "We used to dance. But it's been a long time." He caught Natsu glancing down at the bare finger on his left hand. "She passed away a few years ago," he explained, and Natsu's expression softened.
"I'm sorry," he said earnestly, looking Gray in the eyes. Gray appreciated that. Most people didn't look at him when they gave their condolences. "So the two of you did ballroom dancing?"
"Yeah," Gray said, smiling at the memory of twirling Amy around at their wedding. He nudged Natsu gently to avoid another couple who were having significantly less success than them. "Nothing fancy, just..." He sighed, feeling that slight pang in his chest that he got whenever he thought of her. It used to be a twisting, raging sea of grief, but the years had made it manageable. He shook his head. "What about you? First time here?"
"You couldn't tell?" Natsu stumbled a little and Gray caught his hip, pulling him back up by his hand. "Gods, thank you. I'm not very coordinated. I'm really only here 'cause my friend thought I needed to get out more." Gray snorted.
"Yeah, my sister's the same." Gray pulled Natsu a little closer and tried a slow spin, but their arms caught together and Natsu fell against him, laughing. "You really are hopeless," Gray said, smiling and helping Natsu back to his feet. "You're lucky we got stuck together, I can't see you leading."
"Hey, ladies can lead just fine," Natsu protested, glancing around the class. "And maybe that's why I switched. I was gonna ask my partner to lead anyway." Gray shook his head as they made their way back to their original position and dropped hands as the music stopped. "Thank you, sir," Natsu said, mock bowing to Gray again.
"You're ridiculous," Gray muttered, but returned the gesture.
As the class dispersed, they continued to stand there, Gray feeling like he should leave but also not wanting to. It had only been half an hour, but for the first time since Amy passed, he hadn't felt lonely.
"I guess I'll see you next week?" Natsu said eventually, pushing the hair out of his eyes. Gray nodded, feeling the ache starting to slide into his chest again.
"Yeah," he said, smiling as Natsu turned to head for the door. "Yeah, see you."
There were an equal number of men and women in the next week's class. Gray was surprised at the pang of disappointment he felt – he could just as easily get along with his new partner, right? But Leanne was loud, and she filled every space between them with words and words and words. By the time the class ended, Gray knew all about her daughter, the PTA bake sale coming up next week, and the unreasonable price of gymnastics classes in this neighborhood.
He sighed, reaching for his jacket. Maybe Cana would come over tonight and have supper with him. It felt so strange to sit at the table by himself. The weeks after Amy's death he'd found himself setting two places by accident, then breaking down in tears once he realized what he'd done.
"Hey, how's it goin'?" Natsu bumped Gray with his elbow as he tugged his scarf around his neck, tucking it into his jacket. Gray smiled, pulling on his gloves.
"Not bad. How was today?" He hadn't been able to see much of Natsu in the crowd of people.
"Ugh, she didn't wanna lead, and then complained about me not knowing the steps." Natsu rolled his eyes, tucking his hands in his pockets. "I have no idea why Lucy thought this would be a good place to..." He trailed off, sighing. "Anyway. So, this might be a bit weird, but I've been told I need to learn to make friends, and you seem like the least...uh, boring person here?" Gray snorted. "Do you wanna come grab a drink at the pub?"
"Oh." Gray blinked, surprised. He'd never had many friends, even before Amy's death – most of their friends had been other married couples. After everything they went through, none of those people kept in touch with Gray anymore. And Cana did keep telling him to get out and socialize. "Yeah, sure. Let's...yeah."
The pub was noisy and full of people who were uncomfortably younger than them, but Natsu didn't seem to mind. They shouted over the din of the music and people cheering at the hockey game, and after a couple rounds of beer Gray was feeling slightly fuzzy.
"I think I need to call it a night!" He shouted eventually after looking at his watch and realizing it was past midnight. Natsu grinned and stood up from his stool, wobbling slightly before righting himself. He grabbed Gray's arm and helped him down, gesturing for the door and following him out of the pub.
"Cab?" Natsu asked, gesturing to the lineup of yellow cars outside the building. Gray nodded, still feeling light-headed from the drinks. He could come back and pick up his car tomorrow. "Hey, thanks for...coming with me." Natsu grinned at him, then buried his face in his scarf.
"Yeah," Gray said, smiling and waving at one of the taxis. "Thank you."
Before he realized what was happening, Natsu had reached over and pulled him into a one-armed hug. Gray's startled reaction was dulled by the alcohol, but instead of pulling away, he brought his hands down to rest on the other man's shoulders. There was a warm feeling in his chest as the touch, something he hadn't felt...
"Gods, sorry." Natsu pulled away and rubbed at his face, clearly embarrassed. "I didn't mean...I'm just a bit of-"
"It's fine," Gray reassured him, blinking a few times to clear his mind. Natsu looked sheepish and Gray shook his head. "It's...it's fine."
Natsu nodded, gesturing behind Gray to the cab that had pulled up for him. Gray waved awkwardly, backing up and bumping into the door of the vehicle. Natsu snorted, shaking his head and shouting out, "see you next week!"
See you next week became a thing – finish class, then head over to the pub. They were rarely matched up in dance class anymore, something which Natsu complained about vocally the third or fourth time they'd gone for drinks.
"Why's it gotta be like that?" he grumbled, shaking his head. "Not all men like women." Gray frowned, taking a sip of his beer.
"I do," he said simply. Natsu laughed a little, turning to look at him.
"I know," he replied, leaning back on his elbow on the bar. He was silent for a moment and a thread of realization slipped its way into Gray's mind.
"You...don't." Natsu didn't answer right away, just looked down into his drink.
"No," he said eventually. "No, I don't." His voice was steady but he was tapping his foot anxiously against the bar stool. Did Natsu care what he thought?
"That's...nothing wrong with that," Gray said after a minute, nudging Natsu with his knee. "It's...all good." Natsu nodded, still bouncing his leg, and Gray frowned, realizing he'd never asked Natsu if he was in a relationship. "Do you have a..."
"No." Natsu gave him a half smile and finished off his beer, gesturing for the bartender to bring him another one. "Just me." He looked at Gray curiously. "What was your wife's name?"
The question hit Gray, not as hard as it once would have, but enough that it made him take a deep breath. His thumb went to where his wedding ring once sat and mourned its absence. Gray had decided not to wear it anymore – it had been five years since she passed, and it didn't feel right.
"Amy," he said after a moment, realizing that Natsu had waited out the painfully awkward silence that had fallen between them. "She was an engineer." Natsu raised his eyebrows, impressed. Gray smiled. "Always smarter than me. We met in college."
"You were together for a long time, then," Natsu said softly. Gray nodded, still caught up in his thoughts.
"Seventeen years," he said, thinking of their last anniversary. She'd been too sick to go anywhere, and they'd spent the day watching terrible comedies and eating Chinese takeout. "She had cancer." That word was easier to say, now.
"That's shitty." Gray looked up in surprise to see Natsu giving him a look that was a mix of sympathy and frustration. "Cancer's a bitch. My mom had it too." Gray shook his head sadly. Natsu sighed, holding out his glass. "To Amy?"
Gray felt like crying, suddenly, but not tears of grief. He felt a smile creeping onto his lips as he touched his glass to Natsu's.
"To Amy."
