-you've build your lies above the sand. - Lacuna coil (End of time)
She's been lying, a lot. To herself, to him, to every one of her friends and loved ones, even if she hasn't explicitly voiced her lies, they are still there. But she's realizing now that, no matter how many lies she's been telling, they keep falling away, whether she wants them too. Every no is answered in a look shared between them, every 'there's nothing going on' is answered by small touches, small moments, small feelings she can't quite repress, every 'it will always be Stefan' is answered by all her actions, all her feelings, by everything. Answered every time it isn't always Stefan, which seems to be more and more often lately. It seems to be answered by the small voice in the back of her mind telling her that it has never been only Stefan, never been forever with Stefan. It's not always Stefan. It was always 'lifetime with Stefan.' And that was a good thing, the best thing, because he made her happy, he hates being bad, hates being anything short of absolutely perfect. And he'll never die. That might have been the biggest factor. She's so tired of losing people, and he'll always be there, even as she grows old and everyone else withers and dies, he'll still be young and alive and 'life'.
The problem is she's not afraid of death anymore, she knows now, that it doesn't make the pain less if there is one person that will always be alive, that doesn't change the fact that the others will die. It doesn't change anything. And now she has forever, and she therefore has forever with Stefan, and that doesn't sound right, doesn't feel right. He was a lifetime, not an eternity. He can't be her eternity.
After her parents died she wanted, needed someone that will make her want to live. She believed that love was with the person that made you want to live. But that can't be it, that can't be all of it. She doesn't want to only live, breathe, in and out. Love isn't oxygen. She doesn't want to only live; she wants to truly be alive. Not only breathing but laughing and lacking breath and being awed. Stefan is breath, he's oxygen, and she doesn't want to only breathe for the rest of eternity. They may have their small moments of being alive, of being more that only breathing, but it's so fleeting, so small and insignificant. He is breathing and she's so sick and tired of only breathing, of taking a day at a time, so tired of being kept safe all the time, so tired of being glass and only breathing.
She feels alive with Damon, and she's pretty sure she's barely breathing when she's around him. He doesn't make her feel like glass. He doesn't make her take day for day, he pushes her, her boundaries, her feelings, her whole being, and she feels so alive, so full of life and spirit and something else that she's not willing to admit to anyone just yet.
She's been lying a lot. Lying about what she wants, lying about being content with safety and breathing. Lying about feeling alive. Lying about small moments and risks and touches. She's lied to him, lied to Stefan, lied to her family, including her friends, lied to everybody she passes. Mostly she's been lying to her own heart, tricking her heart with logic and rational thoughts, telling her heart that all of it (and there's so much) meant nothing, he meant nothing, when lately he's been meaning too much.
She's tired of lying, she decides as she's fighting with him about something or other, she can't remember. So she stops fighting, stops breathing, stops thinking and just lets herself feel, and she's feeling so much. But mostly as she's feeling and he's staring at her with his signature smirk on his face, worry, wonder and so much more flashing in his eyes, she feels alive.
