Oh My Squidness!

PROLOGUE: Squiddy the Squid

Squiddy, the Giant Squid belonging to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sat at the bottom of the Great Lake sombrely. He brought one of his thick purple tentacles up to scratch his itchy, eel-bitten cranium.

"Oh!" Squiddy sighed dramatically "Woe is me!" He fell against the bed of the lake and begun to wallow in his self pity. About a year ago he had begun to question his fishy existence, and his position in life. There wasn't much out there for a Giant Squid to do. He couldn't become a medi-wizard like he wanted to be, because he couldn't hold a wand properly and had no talent for magic. He wasn't able to be a pilot either, something he had wanted to do ever since he took his first gulp of water, apparently, you needed twenty-twenty vision to be a pilot. He could have had twenty-twenty vision, but the rude people at the optometrist told him that they couldn't possibly make glasses in his size.

Truth be told, Squiddy had actually become rather depressed. He had begun to spend his days in the Gillyweed at the bottom of the lake, only emerging to catch glimpses of the students attractive toes that gave him an odd tingling sensation in his…. stomach region.

One morning, while flipping through an old copy of Teen Witch that had somehow made it's way to the bottom of the lake, he had a brilliant idea.

"I know!" He gurgled, one tentacle raised in the classic thinkers pose "I need to get me some loving." He threw the magazine down and swam over to the seashells on the eastern side of the lake, at this time of morning they always reflected beautifully. Once he reached them he looked at himself. No wonder he hadn't been approached since… well, since he found his way into this cruel and heartless world. He looked around and spotted a small red fish swimming around happily, playing with a small stone on the floor of the lake. He raised one of his mighty tentacles and used it to squash the scaly little fiend. He picked it up and ran it over his lipless mouth, it's shiny red scales becoming an enticing whitebait flavoured lip-gloss. He looked around again and grabbed an oyster, prying it open. He wrenched the pearl out of it and squashed it between two tentacles, he rubbed the residue above his eyes and grinned at his reflection.

Who wouldn't want him when he looked so good?

It was on that day that Squiddy the Giant Squid who lived in the Great Lake at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry made a promise to himself. His New Year resolution suddenly recognised. He was going to find his soul mate.

And so begins the perilous and tragic tale of Squiddy the Giant Squid at the bottom of the lake. In the following chapters you will find first-had accounts of all of the dates he ever went on, and their outcomes.

This chilling story accounts for the depression, and later, suicide of the Giant Squid.

Here is what the critics had to say about this anthology of tragic romance:

"It is alarming to read what the poor squid went through, first the racism, and then the depression. We can only hope that he will find redemption!"

- Mr. Cornelius Fudge (Ex Minister for Magic)

"This shows that there is a long way to go regarding the way that we treat Giant Squids. It is for this reason that I have formed S.Q.U.I.S.H, the Serious Query Unveiling Injudicious Squid Hostilities. Coincidentally the same noise Squiddy made as he threw himself in front of a angry mermaid hurling boulders."

- Hermione Granger (Ex-Student at Hogwarts)

"The saddest thing I have ever read since my report about Harry Potter crying over his parent's death every night, although, not nearly as well written."

- Rita Skeeter (Daily Prophet reporter working within the walls of Azkaban)

So, to find out more about the woes of the gargantuan squid, read on. But, reader be warned, the story to follow is very distressing… Well, about as distressing as it can get considering it is about a giant lump of fishy smelling jelly that blobbed around in the murky waters of the lake doing nothing more than whining and complaining of a life that was more than appropriate for a gelatinous-blob-fish.