do not read this story
srsly DON'T
It was Christmas at Hogwarts. Everyone was opening their presents under the big-ass tree in the big-ass hall thing.
Harry was very nervous. He hoped everyone liked his presents. He had thought long and hard (HURR) on what to get his friends. He had also worked very hard to get the cash monies to do it, but he didn't want to think about that.
Hermione opened hers. It was a bottle of hair conditioner. She gave Harry a "r-u-srs" look. He beamed back.
If I know women the way I think I do, Harry thought to himself, then she loves it.
Harry was also a virgin.
Ron opened his next. It was a shaving kit. He screamed at Harry; "HARRY YOU STUPID TWAT-BOLLOCKS! YOU KNOW I HAVEN'T HIT PUBERTY YET!" then he ran from the room crying. Harry smiled. "Bye Ron! Glad you liked it!" he called after him with a little wave. "Now then, Ginny."
Ginny unwrapped her gift. It was a set of gel bra-fillers. She slapped Harry across the face. His smile stayed intact, and he winked at her. "You're welcome, sweet-thang," he said, probably poorly imitating somebody from somewhere.
Ginny and Hermione sighed and left the room. "Bye girls!" Harry chimed.
After they left, he looked around, confused. "Didn't you get me anything?" he screeched. Then a thought hit him.
"Oh, I see. They're gonna give me my gift later. Heh heh heh. You know, D-Dawg, I sure know how to handle the ladies." He said casually to Dumbledore.
"That you do, Harry" Dumbledore replied with a smile. He handed Harry a box.
"FOR ME?" Harry squealed excitedly. He ripped the wrapping paper off. It was contact lenses.
"Oh, thank you!" he said, and he and Dumbledore shared a passionate kiss for no reason.
