Safety. It's something I have always longed for. Safety is defined in the dictionary as the state of being certain that adverse effects will not be caused by some agent under defined conditions or as a safe place. Both sound like lies to me. Safety isn't a condition or a place, it's a feeling. It is not something a monster made up of lies can feel though. Not forever at least.
We have all heard the same thing from adults; one lie leads to the next and then you can't keep track of what the first lie is and eventually you get caught, right? That's how it's supposed to go. Not for me. I know every lie, from the first to the last, which ones lead to which, and what became of its future. To me, lies are like children. You keep them safe, deep in your mind, and pull them out when you need to use them. Well, maybe my perception of children is a little strange, but everyone seemed to use me as a child, and that's why I lie. I have to lie. I need to lie. It's my security. If I'm ever accused of anything, I'll pull a lie out of my hat and then I can move forward. That's what my mother did after all. I was her lie. Her false love.
And yet, the ironic thing is, I tried to save her when the killer entered our apartment.
My first lie was from the first punch when my mother came home drunk.
My second lie was to the man in the apartment, when I told him I was a monster. (I wasn't one yet, so it was half-lied)
My third was to the snake when he beckoned me.
My fourth was to my siblings about my past.
My fifth was to my hero, Ayano, about my feelings.
My sixth was to my hero once more about following her.
My seventh was to her again about what happened to Ayaka.
My eighth through sixtieth was to Kido about my emotions.
My sixtieth to the ninety-ninth was to the Dan about what I wanted.
My one-hundredth, you really want to know?
Well, let us begin here, as I take a leap with my best friend, my lover behind me.
"Don't worry Kido! I'll be fine!" I mumbled as tears stained my cheeks.
I felt my heels tilt be backwards….her hand reached out in front of me….her eyes red around the edges, and mine filled with it as I my body gave up.
I felt my one-hundrenth one lie surface through my lips as she grasped my hand tightly.
"I want to die! I'm a monster! I deserve to die! I deserve to never see the light of day again! Let go, Kido! Please! Don't you know how many times I've lied to you?! Eighty One Times! Let me-"
"Idiot!" She spat as she coughed in the struggle to pull me up, she was nearly falling off herself. "Don't you think I knew about those lies?! Don't you think I could tell when you put on that false smile of yours?!"
"But Kido-"
"Shut up! I don't want to hear it!" She yanked on my arm and dragged me up the side of the roof on to where she was kneeling. She wrapped her arms around me and placed her head on my shoulder. "Please Kano….I see it affecting you physically too…You're so thin now a days…Too thin…Almost skeletal…Please Kano…stop it…Stop the lies! Stop the pain! Stop the tricks! Stop the jokes! Stop everything for just one second and admit to yourself that you're not a monster!"
"Kido….I can't because, I would just be lying to myself then... Heh, is there really no escape from my own lies?" I smiled weakly as I felt my body ache in pain. I collapsed against Kido and I began to shake and tears welled at the corners of my eyes.
"Kano!" She placed both hands on the sides of my face and I looked into her eyes and saw that motherly instinct she always had they darted back and forth with worry. "Kano, you know how I know you're not a monster?" Her voice became gentle and her face softened as kissed me lightly.
"I'm not a monster." I asked stunned. Then I smiled smugly and I asked raising an eyebrow, "Danchou, are you in love with me?"
"Shut up before I throw you off this cliff right now."
And that broke the cycle of lies that had chained me for some many years.
