Kaidan felt awful for doing it. Betrayal. Guilt. Regret. Disgrace.
He had a mission though, and he was still an Alliance soldier. So when he placed his arms around that oh so familiar body, and pressed his face into the juncture between neck and shoulder just above cold metal armour, he still gently attached the camera bug to the plating just under Shepard's arm where it was guaranteed not to catch or be noticed. Even though he could smell how real he was and feel the familiar graze of stubble against his cheek. Even though he'd dreamed of this reunion every day for near on six months after Shepard had died. Kaidan still followed orders.
Because Shepard was with Cerberus.
Working with Cerberus operatives.
Killing for Cerberus operatives.
Shepard was alive and looked right, sounded right, smelt right, felt right, but he was now a re-engineered human brought back to life. By Cerberus.
Kaidan dearly wanted to reach out and haul Shepard in for a kiss just to see if they got him to taste right as well. But the horror of knowing that Shepard had been dead and was now potentially a thing rather than a person was too much.
He said his piece and turned away. He walked calmly back through the colony, his own words echoing violently in his ears. Then, when he felt he was far enough away; out of sight and out of hearing range, he let his legs give way, let his hands shake, and let go of the choked sounds that had been building from the moment he'd glimpsed his dead commander come racing in to save the day.
He curled up against the side of a crate and just tried to breathe around it all.
Was this real? Or was he hallucinating in a collector pod?
He didn't quite know.
