Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent or the characters. This story is simply my idea.

I can't sleep at night. I haven't slept in what feels like months. My Tris is gone. She should still be here, but she's not. I should have known what she would end up doing. I should have known that she wouldn't let her brother die like that. But I didn't. And now I'll never see her smile again.

I've always loved her. I've loved her since I first saw her hit the net. I just never realized how much. But now it's too late. She's gone.

My new home is too quiet. It's quiet with her not here. I moved back to the city but only because Christina made me. She guilted me into it.

"Tris wouldn't want you to stay. She'd want you to move on." That's what she said. Maybe she's right. But I'll never know. Not now. Because I failed.

I say that my home is too quiet. But that's a lie. It's a lie because this isn't my home. My home is with Tris. This is just some hole-in-the-wall apartment that I call my home.

I wonder what she'd say about this place. Would she like it? Maybe if I'd succeeded, things would have been different. If I had been faster, I could have made it back and stopped her. We could be living here together. I'd be able to sleep then.

For now, I have bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation. Zeke comes by almost every day. He tries to get me to snap out of it. Christina tries desperately to make me move on and accept it. But I can't. Not without Tris.

I know she'd hate me feeling like this. She'd want me to at least try to live a normal life. But I can't. How can I when I don't even know what normal is?

Everyday is the same. I wake up, eat stale cereal, walk around the city (if I feel like it), then go home, read a pointless book, then go to bed. I've lost weight and I'm weaker now than before. I guess that's what lack of sleep and nutrition will do to a body.

My life is a joke. It's pointless. Tris would be furious at me for saying that, but it's true. I have no worth. There's no factions for me to fit in. Nobody to love without Tris. I don't even know where my parents are at this point. I quit caring where they were a long time ago.

All I care is where Tris is. All that I care about is that she isn't with me- and that it's my fault.

Our plan went wrong about two months ago. Maybe longer. I've lost track of time. I hate it that I have. I should know exactly when I lost my reason for living. But I can honestly say that I don't remember. The days have run together.

I don't even talk anymore. I wonder if I even have a voice anymore. Nothing feels real anymore.

It's funny. I told Tris before that fear shuts people down. That's exactly what happened. I'm afraid of living without her. Afraid that it's my fault. I'm afraid of going on. I'm afraid of accepting that this is my new life.

I can't. I won't. I refuse.

So I shut down. I shut everyone out. I refuse to feel. I won't accept that this is the way life is now.

I made a mistake. Maybe if I apologize enough. Maybe if I'm guilty enough. Maybe I can bring her back.

But I know that's wrong. So maybe I'm just punishing myself. I killed the girl, no, the woman, I love. So now I'm making myself suffer.

Sometimes I hear her voice. It's faded at times, and other times it's clear as day. She calls to me. She tells me to come find her. I want to find her more than anything.

I've decided that I'm going to. I'm going to find her. I'm not afraid anymore. I won't be leaving anything behind, really. I know that I'm probably just imagining her voice. It's probably some desperate attempt at holding on to her. But it's more than I can bare. Zeke would understand. I mean, he'd want to see Uriah. He'd do anything.

But maybe not this.

I sink onto my couch holding a syringe filled with death serum I smuggled cradled in my hand. It'll be quick, I tell myself. I'll close my eyes and there will be my Tris. Her beautiful eyes looking at me.

I don't even feel the needle go into my flesh. I barely register the room spinning as the fast-acting serum begins to take effect. I slump further into the courch, not resisting the urge to sleep.

Tobias...

Yes, Tris. I'm coming to find you.

Tobias... Please, please wake up...

Don't worry. I'll be there soon.

Be strong, Tobias. Be brave. Be brave for me.