HARRY POTTER AND THE UNICORN'S HORN
Chapter One: Pimpled Pigs
by Topaz

This is my version of book five, and yes, it does involve American wizard/witch students. I've done my best to make it not completely cliched, and we'll soon find out whether I was successful. The American wizarding school is called Pigpimples (get it? Hogwarts? Pigpimples? Cheesy, huh?). The beginning of the story is probably going to be fairly silly, being written by me, but I'll try to make the ending appropriately serious. Think of this as Harry Potter when J.K. had a bit too much sugar, but just a bit. PLEASE make suggestions.


"It's great to be going back to Hogwarts," Ron said happily, plopping down next to Harry in the train compartment. "I kinda missed it over the summer-- well, except for Potions. And homework. And Malfoy. And Snape. But everything else..."

Hermione stroked Crookshanks's head. "Yeah. I had an excellent summer, though. My parents took me to Europe for a month and we went to all these fabulous museums. I learned a lot, and it was fun, of course."

"Of course," Ron echoed, looking rather as though he didn't agree.

Harry grinned. "Dudley gained 50 pounds over the summer. Aunt Petunia's going insane." He sighed. "Of course, it does mean that they didn't feed me anything but Dudley's weight-loss drinks."

Hermione made a tutting noise. "All they'd need is a simple slimming potion, it's very easy."

"Hermione, they're Muggles, they can't make potions," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "But guess what! Percy hinted that there was going to be something interesting going on at Hogwarts this year, like the Triwizard Tournament last year, but he wouldn't say what. I think he was mad because Fred and George won't stop calling him Weatherby."

"I wonder what it could be," Hermione said thoughtfully. "Not the Triwizard Tournament, of course, they wouldn't do that again after what happened last time."

The door slid open, and Neville Longbottom walked in, followed by Fred and George Weasley, who were both strutting like deranged turkeys.

Harry stared. "Fred? George? Are you all right?"

"We're following Percy's excellent example, m'dear boy," Fred said in a stiff, snotty tone.

"Our dear mum suggested that we act more like him, so we are," George added, in the same voice, strutting over to sit down.

Hermione giggled, while Neville looked confused and Ron plain disgusted.

"I say, Ron, dear old chum, shouldn't you be starting to study for O. W. L.'s?" Fred said cheerfully. "Mustn't procrastinate."

"Just what I was going to say meself, chum," George said, slapping Fred on the back. "Jolly good advice."

Ron edged away from them. "Stop it, you're scaring me."

Crookshanks opened one eye, stared at the twins, and leaped out of Hermione's arms, darting out the door.

"You scared Crookshanks!" Hermione shrieked, jumping to her feet and racing out after him.

"Jolly sorry, m'dear!" Fred hollered after her. He and George burst into laughter.

"Did you finish your essay on love potions?" Neville asked, his plump face worried. "I've only got thirteen inches, and it's supposed to be twenty."

"Ask Hermione," Ron said carelessly. "She's written four feet. I've got nineteen inches, but I couldn't come up with anything else to write. Snape's evil."

"We're almost there," George said, checking his watch. "Well, we would be if this bloody hunk of metal wasn't about three hours off. Fred, what does your watch say?"

"Haven't got one, dunderhead," Fred replied.

"We've got about ten minutes," Hermione called from somewhere outside the compartment. Ron rolled his eyes.

"I say, who's up for a game of Exploding Snap?" Fred suggested. "Ten minutes is a long time to sit around doing nothing. I've got a pack here." He pulled a pack of cards out of his trunk and tossed it to George.

Suddenly Hermione burst back inside. "Malfoy stole Crookshanks!"

"Eh?" Everyone looked up.

"He stole Crookshanks!" Hermione was practically hysterical. "After you two goons scared the poor thing he ran out of our compartment and into Malfoy's, and Crabbe and Goyle are holding the door shut so I can't get Crookshanks!"

"I wouldn't worry," Ron reassuringly. "Knowing Crookshanks, by the end of the trip all that will be left of them is a pile of bones and an eyeball or two."

Hermione glared at Ron. "You're not helping matters."

"Look, we'll just go... blast the door open and grab Crookshanks," Fred said, getting to his feet. He switched back to his ridiculous Percy voice. "C'mon, Ron, Harry, George, we have to help the jolly damsel in distress, wot?"

"Bloomin' right, by George," George agreed. "Off we go!" He marched out of the compartment, followed by Fred, a reluctant Ron, and Hermione. Harry shrugged and headed out after them.

Crabbe and Goyle were still holding the door shut when they arrived. Fred motioned for everyone to be quiet and knocked on the door. "'Ello in there," he called in a high-pitched, feminine voice.

"Who is it?" Malfoy's voice asked.

"Snack cart," Fred replied, still in his shrill female voice.

"Open up," Malfoy said to Crabbe and Goyle, and they slid the door open. Fred flung himself through the door, with George right after him.

"Hey!" Malfoy yelled. "What're you doing here? Get out!"

"Not till I get Crookshanks back!" Hermione shrieked, trying to push her way past Crabbe and Goyle. "You give me my cat, you mangy puke-haired creep!"

"Puke-haired?" Ron said to Harry under his breath. Harry shrugged.

"Ha! We've got the rotten scoundrel!" Fred cried, and Harry ducked under Crabbe, then slithered into the room to see what was going on.

Fred and George had Malfoy at wand point, both of their wands aimed at his throat. Malfoy looked nervous, and Harry didn't blame him. Fred and George had absolutely maniacal expressions on their faces.

"One move and we'll blast you six ways from next Wednesday," Fred warned.

Hermione stopped kicking Goyle. "I didn't know you'd read the Enchanted Forest books."

"Is that where it's from?" Fred considered. "Oh. Anyway, Malfoy, don't move."

Crabbe and Goyle, seeming to notice for the first time that Malfoy was under attack, turned and lumbered toward him, then reached over and easily plucked the Weasley twins away. While they were busy doing that, Hermione darted in and started scrambling madly around, looking for Crookshanks.

Ron and Harry joined Hermione, but they couldn't see any sign of the fluffy ginger cat. Crabbe and Goyle effortlessly carried Fred and George outside the compartment and dumped them on the floor, then lumbered back inside and closed the door.

"Oy! Let us back in, you stupid blockheads!" Fred shrieked, pounding on the door.

Malfoy reached for his wand, massaging his neck with his other hand. "You won't find your stupid cat, Granger."

"Why not?" Harry asked.

"Because we put it somewhere you can't get it," Malfoy said smugly.

"If you hurt my cat I'll turn you into bunny slippers!" Hermione screeched at the top of her lungs.

The door to the compartment flew open, and Professor McGonagall stormed in. "WHAT is going on, may I ask?"

They all froze. Fred and George peeped in from behind McGongall.

"Hello, Professor," Hermione said in a small voice.

Professor McGonagall's furious eyes swept across the scene. "Well? What is going on?"

"Potter and Weasley and Granger came barging in our compartment, and we tried to make them leave," Malfoy said sulkily, rubbing his neck.

"They stole Crookshanks!" Hermione said shrilly. "Fred and George scared him and they ran in here, and Malfoy wouldn't let me in!"

Professor McGonagall gave Malfoy a severe look. "Why is that?"

"I didn't know her cat was in here, Professor," Malfoy said innocently.

"You did too, you saw him and you shut the door right after him!" Hermione snapped. "And when we came in you said you'd put him somewhere we couldn't get him!"

"Mr. Malfoy, where is the cat?" Professor McGonagall asked.

Draco Malfoy reluctantly opened his trunk and pulled out a very angry, very ruffled, very vengeful ball of ginger fur and set it on the ground. Crookshanks gave a furious yowl and trotted away, trying to gather some shreds of dignity.

"You said you put him somewhere we couldn't get him!" Hermione said angrily to Malfoy. "The trunk's the first place we would have looked!"

"I lied," he said.

Professor McGonagall pinned them each with a very severe look. "Get back to your compartments and behave for the rest of this trip, or I will personally make you all wish you were never born." She turned and swept out, muttered under her breath that sounded to Harry like "What an impression they'll make on the piggypimples eens."

"Piggypimples eens?" Harry said, following Ron and Hermione back into their compartment. "What's a piggypimples eens?"

"Not piggypimples eens," Hermione said exasperatedly, "Pigpimplians."

"Oh, that makes it all so much clearer," Ron said sarcastically. "So what's a Pigpimplian?"

"A pimpled pig?" Fred inquired as the twins joined them. "Why're you lot talking about pigs with pimples?"

"Obviously they need to get out more," George said. "Not the most interesting conversation topic, if you ask me."

"We didn't," Hermione retorted. "And we weren't talking about pimpled pigs, we were talking about Pigpimplians."

Ron dissolved into laughter. Hermione glowered at him.

"What's so funny?" she asked coldly.

"Hearing you say 'pimpled pigs'," Ron said weakly between snickers. "It just sounded funny, the way you said it, you know..."

"Right," Hermione said angrily, "you're obviously all a bunch of loonies."

"Hermione's had a stressful day," Fred said with mock sympathy.

"Ar," George agreed solemnly.

"So, what are pimpled pigs?" Ron asked before bursting into laughter again.

"You've definately had too many Pumpkin Pastries," Hermione sighed. "Never mind. Pigpimplians- NOT pimpled pigs--" Ron was, at that point, rolling helplessly on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing, "Pigpimplians are probably people from Pigpimples."

"Oh, that explains everything," Harry said sarcastically. "What's Pigpimples?"

"Isn't it obvious?" George asked. "Pigpimples are pimples on pigs. Pigpimplians are pimpled pigs. It all makes sense."

Ron managed to stop laughing and crawled back into his seat.

"Pigpimples is the American wizarding school," Hermione said, the expression on her face mirroring Crookshanks's when Malfoy had released him. Fred was right, Harry thought, Hermione had had a stressful day.

"American wizar- what?" Ron blinked. "There's an American wizarding school?"

"Of course!" Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "What did you think the American wizards did, sat around and twiddled their thumbs?"

Harry didn't think that statement made a whole lot of sense, but he knew better than to point it out.

"I never really thought about the fact that there are American wizards," Ron admitted. "So why was McGonagall talking about giving the Pigpimplians bad impressions? They're in America."

"Maybe she's gone insane like you lot," Hermione suggested.

"Quite likely," Fred agreed.

TO BE CONTINUED...

At least it wasn't a cliffhanger. Methinks someone spiked Ron's pumpkin juice. Probably Fred or George. Praise enthusiastically welcomed (duh), advice even more enthusiastically welcomed, and flames welcomed not quite as enthusiastically.

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