"Please Howard." Peggy Carter was on the verge of begging, meaning she had surpassed desperation. She lost her commanding tone because Howard simply refused to follow these orders.
He glanced up from the morning paper wary of her never ending attempts to persuade him. "I won't erase your memory Peg."
"And why not?"
"I've answered this before."
"Well answer it again." She sounded tired and bitter and pressing. There was no more time to put if off, it had to be done before the memories shred her apart completely.
He folded the paper delicately, pushing it to the side, opting to look at his frazzled counterpart instead. "I can't let you run away from your past, besides I think it's probably a threat to national security."
"There is no past to run away from, there's nothing." It came out cold as ice as she had perfected talking about the situation. She had to distance herself, completely remove herself or it would eat at her until there was nothing left.
He leveled her with a stare, someone had to. She had been on the warpath ever since it happened, fighting, cursing and breaking down in front of anyone who got in her way.
"Maybe for Angie, but not for you."
Hearing that name bounce of the walls created a tiny crack in her newly formed armor and her heart ached for a moment, it was all simply too much for one woman to handle. "For the both of us Howard. I won't put her through that again, so there's nothing left, no point in remembering. "
He stood up to his full height, looking almost angry, with arms crossed and a stare that could wound a man. He asked it softly but it attacked all her weakest spots. "Who are you to deny her the love of her life?"
She didn't know what to say, how to answer, because she had tried so hard not to think of it that way. She was making a decision for the both of them, and if anything Angie's kidnapping showed it was the right one. No matter how it tore her apart inside it was the right thing to do. Before she could think up a reply Dottie slipped into the room just like a cat, a black cat of course, evil omens and all.
Dottie had stayed in the Stark household after the mission and Peggy almost felt like it was a twisted replacement for the roommate she had lost, for Angie, and it made her sick. However it was the easiest way to keep tabs on the sly young woman as she worked with the SSR as a spy and informant in exchange for her continued freedom.
"If you won't go for it I will." She said it nonchalantly, similarly to every other time she had attempted to light Peggy's fuse over the past month. She gingerly grabbed a piece of toast, spreading butter on it slowly all the while observing Peggy with her signature grin in place.
Peggy considered taking the butter knife in front of Howard and stabbing Dottie right in the neck. It wouldn't solve all her problems, she would still have about 99, but at least Dottie wouldn't be one.
But there was something about her spirit that had left the moment Angie forgot her and she was simply crushed. Instead of grabbing the knife she chose to lean against the wall and steady herself with a breath.
"God you're boring when you're depressed." Dottie seemed genuinely disgusted with her. After all what's the fun for a cat whose mouse has given up all will to live. Howard looked on; just as helpless as he was the moment he realized what Angie had been injected with.
"I'm not depressed, I'm fine." It came out lamely but she didn't exactly care, she hadn't cared for quite a while.
Dottie scoffed and then she laughed, smile wide. She didn't hesitate a moment. Instead she slinked right up to Peggy, putting a wiry hand on her arm, thriving on the way she jumped at the contact. "Who are you trying to convince sweetheart, us our yourself?"
The closeness, the physical intimacy of the moment startled Peggy out of the icy purgatory she had sentenced herself to. She looked to Howard for help, but he only shrugged. "She's got a point Peg, you've been on edge ever since. Why not take a chance?"
"She's a coward that's why. Always has been when it comes to Angie and I guess always will be." Her hand tightened around the muscular forearm, making sure Agent Carter couldn't run away this time. She wasn't smiling as she stared into Peggy's guarded eyes, she settled for genuine disappointment instead.
"Dottie." Howard stepped in trying to calm the overly anxious young woman. She had been firing shots for weeks, there had enough battles in the house, and he knew Peggy didn't need a full on war.
"We know it's true. It was Angie that chased after her because big bad Agent Carter was too afraid of a little love. How could Peggy possible do anything now?" She was answering Howard but her eyes remained tight on the woman in question. They were physically close, not even a foot apart, Dottie's hand searing her arm, but mentally it was like Dottie was inside her.
Peggy shrugged, staring right back into feline eyes, unrelenting. "She's right."
That admission was cause for worry; it was complete and utter defeat, devastation, and acceptance of everything that had occurred. Peggy took both of Dottie's hands into her own, holding them almost lovingly, and the young Russian practically had a coronary right there because she couldn't have been prepared for that.
"Leave Howard." Peggy said it softly, sternly and he didn't question her. He walked out of the room staring at the cat and the mouse holding hands wondering if he had read the stories wrong his entire childhood.
Peggy had threatened her life and given her stares but nothing had terrified Dottie Underwood like this. It was the love lost, the care, the affection those eyes stared back at her with that made her throat dry and she barely got the words out.
"I don't have to be right."
Peggy gave the sturdy hands in her own a squeeze. Although they were night and day there was something about Dottie, something that made her able to understand. Something about her screamed that she had lost it all. She knew what it was to lose love; she knew what it was to be numb. She put it all on the line because she had nothing left to lose and so Peggy pushed her away and clung to her all at the same time.
"Maybe you do."
She let go of her hands, leaving Dottie frozen in place. All she could do was watch as Peggy steadily gathered her jacket and briefcase. She offered one last, apologetic smile before leaving.
Similarly to every other morning of the past month, the moment she walked into the office she received the most pitying glance Sousa had to offer. No one else understood her sudden lack of fire, why all was quiet on the Carter front. She was finally the woman the men in the office had wanted her to be, less of an overall nuisance. But Sousa understood and it was driving him mad because he adored the Peggy Carter that was on everyone's case and always a step ahead.
"Any news on her captor?" She couldn't say her name; it just felt like glass cutting her throat as it came up.
He watched the way she stood a little less straight, a little less firm, and delivered the bad news reluctantly. "Not today, no new leads."
She glared down at the files on her desk in frustration before sitting down, closing the folders, and stowing them away until anger ceased to cloud her judgment. Sousa approached her timidly, just as he had multiple times before.
"Peggy."
"Daniel not today."
He refused to be deterred, there wasn't enough time and so he had to push and prod. "There's only today Peggy, we know that now better than anyone."
"I can't Daniel." It was short and tired, completely and utterly honest.
He slapped a hand down onto her desk, hard, making run-down woman stare right back. "You have to, it doesn't matter if you cant because you have to."
Instead of replying she stood and briskly walked to the small kitchen area within the office to prepare a cup of coffee. Caffeine was all that could fight the migraines that seemed to come in waves one right on top of the other. Sousa followed her, like a determined puppy, like little Howard Jr. who missed his other mother.
She steadied her incessantly shaking hands, not gratifying him with a look. "There's nothing I have to do."
"You're just going to settle for this, is this living to you?"
His question was cutting but she focused on the task at hand, placing the hot cup onto the counter. "I'm alive aren't I?"
"That's not enough for you, not anymore. You know that."
She sighed at his determination, she had once admired him for it but now she wished he would let things be. She turned to him, practically pleading. "I'm working her case. I'm working our cases. I'm doing what needs to be done."
"You're taking the coward's way out." He looked at her with such sincere disappointment, arms crossed and eyes hard.
She was fed up with being demeaned, with being called weak, even if it was true and so she picked up her coffee and began to walk out, calling over her shoulder. "Ah so you're questioning my bravery also?"
"Angie would be disappointed."
Hearing the name, hearing the context cut her deep inside, opened wounds that had barely begun to heal and she turned to face him, a silent standoff.
"Don't you dare." It was quiet, controlled, but violent all the same.
But he did, he would always dare, he would take the chance if it meant doing the right thing. "I may not know everything, but I know she loved your fearlessness. You made her feel invincible from what I've heard, and now you're too afraid to fight for her."
"Maybe I'm brave enough to keep her out of harm's way." It was hard to hold back the tears, but she had to in the office. Someone had to realize what a sacrifice she was making; that she had to do it for the both of them.
"Maybe you're just keeping yourself out of harms way."
The intent in those words almost strangled them both as their colleagues walked by, completely unaware the two were entrenched in their own war. Sousa had never been one to stomach that sort of aggression, even though she needed to be pushed he regretted being the one to do it.
"I'm sorry."
"Aren't we all?" She couldn't be angry with him, she couldn't really be angry at all and so coffee in one hand, files in another she left him standing there, helpless.
It was only around noon when she simply couldn't read another word, follow another lead, or continue to cling onto the hope of finding Angie's captor. It was work that allowed her to focus but it also took a toll on her mind and body. She clocked out early, after all the extra hours she had put in no one even questioned it.
A mere thirty minutes later she found herself hesitantly walking into the far too familiar halls of the Griffith with Mrs. Fry patrolling the front, ready to greet her with a warm smile that told stories of far better days.
"Miss Carter."
"Hello Mrs. Fry." Peggy allowed herself to be enveloped in a warm hug, allowed herself to feel that nurturing warmth she had so profoundly missed.
"How are you dear?" She asked it out of routine, but the older woman could see it on her ragged face and failing posture, she knew the answer before Peggy had the time to lie.
She smiled at the motherly tenderness that the woman continued to show, it was weak and forced but a smile all the same. "Busy as ever, how are you?"
"It's not quite as thrilling as working with you and your team but I have my hands full here."
The two women smiled for a moment, as the air grew heavy with unasked and unanswered questions. Peggy hadn't simply come for pleasantries that much Mrs. Fry knew. But she also knew Peggy had to do this herself, no one could take the steps for her, and so they waited in silence.
Finally she pushed herself to ask the question, slow and timid. "How is she?"
The agent almost winced just saying the pronoun, she couldn't even fully make it to saying Angie's name and it was painful to watch. "She's just fine, still connecting some of the pieces. You should talk to her, ask her yourself."
Peggy sighed, everyone seemed to be pushing her every which way toward Angie. "She doesn't even know who I am."
"You're not the type of woman someone can just forget Miss Carter."
"Thank you Mrs. Fry, but I don't think Howard's serum took my personality, or our time together into account."
"The heart, the heart remembers." It came out sweetly, with the wisdom of many years of living and loving and Peggy wanted so badly to believe her.
But hope was poison, she had learned that much. She shook her head to push it away, first rubbing at her temples then the back of her neck, attempting to relieve herself of the immense wait that had been put on her shoulders.
Seeing a woman once characterized by confidence and purpose so despondent made Mrs. Fry ill, this was simply not the way things were meant to be. "You can't go on like this."
"I know." Peggy finally admitted defeat, she didn't know what to do but something had to change and she looked to her elder in pure desperation. "I have no peace of mind, night and day, it's tearing me apart."
"Perhaps you should try going to church."
"Church?" Her eyes widened, Mrs. Fry had said it quickly and quietly, she must have heard her wrong.
"It's certainly not for everyone, but maybe it can help you find peace." She looked the tired young woman up and down and prayed it would do her some good, because she couldn't exist much longer like she had been.
It was absurd. She had never truly turned to God before for things like that, it just didn't seem plausible. There was no true explanation for what had happened to her, to the both of them. Then again desperation had come to define her, perhaps she was just desperate enough to try something new entirely.
"Perhaps I'll give it a shot. Thank you Mrs. Fry, for everything."
Hands worn and torn from years of work and play reached for their strong and smooth counterparts, squeezing for a subtle moment. "Of course. And don't you forget to visit every now and then."
"I wouldn't dare." That made her smile, her first genuine smile in a long time. It was as if she finally had a mother again, a woman who would be there no matter what.
Once she left the Griffith she could finally take a breath. It always suffocated her to be in places that were so vividly stamped with memories of her and Angie, it always wore her down second by second. She was weak and she had read enough stories, heard enough songs to know about how God had made people strong. She couldn't tolerate being weak and so she decided to give it a shot, to turn to the big man upstairs and hope he would stop playing his tricks and finally give her a hand.
Stepping into the church was comforting in an odd sort of way. The light pouring through the beautiful stained glass windows, the large wooden doors, the ornate candles, it made her feel part of something bigger than herself, and for once it felt good to be small. It felt good to be a small fish in a big pond. It was a Sunday afternoon, the devoted had come and gone early that morning and the late ones would be in later that night so pews were open and only a few turned to watch her as she gently sat on the end in the far back.
It could have only been a moment before she heard the small giggle that ran rampant, bouncing off the high ceilings and echoes. It was only a moment before out of the corner of her eye she saw a young woman rush in before the priest, mischievous smile in tact, sliding into the pew right next beside, catching a breath. It could have only been one God damn moment before the man upstairs decided he needed some entertainment.
After a rather immoral tirade against God in his own home Peggy gathered up every last ounce of courage and dignity she had left for the day and turn to see if the tugging at her heart was warranted. It was. Angie Martinelli was within her reach, as radiant as ever, exuding vitality. And God had to have some sort of bet on her and Angie because what were the odds that two women meet in a church like this?
What where the odds that Angie Martinelli would rush in late and unknowingly sit down right next to her former lesbian lover in one of the holiest places around? Well they were pretty slim, unless of course it was meant to be. She could deal with Dottie, Howard and Sousa pushing her toward Angie, but now God seemed to be in on it too. He had taken them both to church and who was she to deny fate?
"Angie?" It didn't hurt as it came out, instead it soothed her, lifting a fatal weight from her shoulders. She had started their journey all over again, and this time it would be on her own terms.
Angie turned to her fully, only a spark of recognition jumping in her eyes, not the fire of memories that had changed her life. "English? I haven't seen you in the diner for a while."
She couldn't stop the smile that made its way onto her face because talking to Angie Martinelli, even after it all was like finally sleeping after countless hours awake, it was infinite rest and rejuvenation for her battered soul.
"I've been quite busy."
The electric woman didn't know what to make of the foolish grin on her counterpart's face so she smiled along with her, ever willing to ride the waves of life as they came, whispering as the music began to start. "Come to think of it I haven't seen ya here before either."
Peggy watched as everyone stood around her and responded as she played catch up, almost tripping herself as she stood, smooth as ever. "Yes, it's something new I'm trying out."
Angie shrugged at the honest admission, that awe inspiring playful grin playing at her lips as she watched the priest begin his procession in. "Well, it's better late than never."
