Disclaimer: To my great dismay, I do not own any Lewis characters or story-lines. I do however own the few original characters who appear in this story and the plot of this particular fic.
Chapter One
"Lewis!" called a commanding voice from the door.
Detective Inspector Robbie Lewis nearly fell out of his chair. Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent had that effect on most people. Incredibly shrewd and very efficient, Innocent had an uncanny knack for showing up just when Lewis and his partner DS James Hathaway were least expecting her. Her presence seldom boded well for the pair as Innocent was nearly always there to lecture Lewis and Hathaway on some sort of breach in procedure that they had inadvertently made in their investigations. Lewis quickly navigated away from the website that he had been perusing. He knew that Innocent would disapprove of his checking the cricket scores - particularly when he was supposed to be typing up an account of his latest case.
Innocent walked over to Lewis's desk, her arms folded across her chest.
"I hope you took the liberty of picking up your tuxedo from the cleaners."
Lewis felt a surge of relief overtake him. Innocent was only here to ensure that he was prepared for the party that he'd promised to escort her to- not to complain about his work performance.
"Yes, Ma'am, I did pick the tuxedo up yesterday."
"And, Lewis, please remember to run a comb through your hair this time."
Lewis wondered what it was about women that made them think that cleanliness and overall neatness were next to godliness. His mother had been the same way- never letting him leave the house until his shoes were tied and his shirt pressed. Even Val, the most intelligent woman that he had known, had scrubbed the already immaculate floor with a vengeance whenever company was expected.
"If he forgets, Ma'am, I'll be sure to remind him," called James Hathaway from his desk.
Lewis scowled at his sergeant. Hathaway had an especial gift for getting under the "governor's" skin- alternately either talking back to Innocent in that charmingly cheeky way of his or sychophantly sucking-up to the Super in the most odiously obvious manner. James also had a penchant for embarrassing Lewis in front of their boss.
"Thank you, James. I very much appreciate it," Innocent said, smiling pleasantly at Hathaway.
This annoyed Lewis even more. He knew that if he had made the comment, Innocent would have rolled her eyes. Yet, James had always had a knack for charming women- Innocent among them. This probably had something to do with the fact that the sergeant was tall, "dishy," and Cambridge-educated.
"So anyway, I'm leaving now to get ready. I'll be around to pick you up at eight o'clock," Innocent said, returning her attention to Lewis.
"Wait! - It's today?"
Innocent stared at him, an aggravated expression in her lovely eyes, as Lewis continued speaking, stammering desperately in an attempt to attempt to save face.
"It's just that I thought it was tomorrow, the thirteenth."
"Today is the thirteenth, Sir," said Hathaway, walking over to Lewis's desk to join them. "In fact," James continued, smirking, "today's Friday the thirteenth."
"Oh, dear," Lewis muttered to himself. To Innocent, he said, "So, it is today then?"
Innocent nodded and turned to Hathaway.
"Why do I get the impression that he only absorbs about a third of what I say?" she said, sighing dramatically.
Hathaway grinned. "You probably get that impression, because it's the truth, Ma'am."
Lewis opened his mouth to retaliate. Hathaway, seeing the inspector's reaction, quickly added "I'm just kidding, Sir."
Innocent didn't say anything. She merely turned on her heels and went. After she had left, Lewis addressed Hathaway.
"Is it so hard for her to apologize?"
"Yes," Hathaway said emphatically. "Even if she feels sorry about it later, you'll never get her to admit it; her bloody pride simply won't allow it."
Lewis sighed in frustration. "I've had about enough of her 'bloody pride.'"
"That is unfortunate seeing as you've agreed to spend an entire evening with both the Super and her 'bloody pride.'"
Lewis groaned. "Don't remind me. I'm already worried enough about embarrassing myself."
Hathaway leaned back against Lewis's desk. "Remind me again, what is the purpose of this particular party?"
"The new American ambassador to Britain and his wife are taking the grand tour of England before he takes up his new post at the embassy. His wife was college roommates with the Oxford assistant dean of admissions who happens to be a personal friend of the Super's."
" … And so the assistant dean simply had to throw a party for the ambassador and his wife, and the Super simply had to attend, and Mr. Innocent simply had to have been unavailable, and so you simply had to escort the Super."
Lewis frowned. "Are you mocking me, Sergeant?"
"No, Sir, simply trying to understand the logic of it all," Hathaway said, grinning mischievously at the inspector.
"Well, you're wasting your time- there's no logic in any of it."
Hathaway considered this for a moment before speaking up again.
"I've always wondered, Sir. Do you attend these things as 'Mr. Innocent' or as yourself?"
"Depends on me mood. Usually, the Super just introduces me as 'Robbie, and lets people draw their own conclusions. Sometimes, just for a lark, I do pretend to actually be Mr. Innocent and find various ways to embarrass the Super behind her back in front of the other fashionable idiots. Other times, I just explain the actual situation to the other guests."
"Do you have any idea which role you intend to play today?"
"Dunno. Innocent's been making me feel quite stupid recently so I almost feel like giving her a taste of her own medicine. However, I always feel like such a prat after I embarrass her like that, so I probably won't do it."
James concluded that Robbie Lewis was a far better man than he was. He wouldn't have felt like a prat for giving Innocent the comeuppance that she deserved.. In fact, annoying Jean Innocent was one of James Hathaway's favorite things to do.
"There's another thing that I've always wondered about; why does she always ask you?" Hathaway asked.
"Simple, she knows that I loathe these things and makes me take her out of pure spite," Lewis said, lounging back in his chair.
Hathaway wasn't so sure about this. Laura Hobson had her own theories about Lewis's and Innocent's supposed "dislike" of each other, and although, James had initially been skeptical about Hobson's suspicions, he was gradually coming around to her way of thinking.
"Oh, come on, Sir. They can't really be that bad. I imagine the food is superb …and..." Hathaway glanced around to make sure that no one was around before completing his statement. "Just between us, the Super does look quite lovely in an evening gown."
"You want to go in my place, Sergeant?" Lewis said, only half-teasing.
"All right, then. I'll go to the party and dance and drink, and have a grand old time while you stay here and finish typing up this report."
Lewis considered this for a moment. He wasn't sure which of the two options was worse-taking Innocent to her stupid party or typing up another one of the Super's stupid reports.
"I don't think that you'd fit into my tuxedo," he said finally, taking in the sergeant's tall and lanky frame.
Hathaway returned his attention back to the computer on Lewis's desk.
"That is a blessing in disguise, Sir, because I doubt that Innocent will be happy with this account as it currently stands. I notice that you've managed to misspell the defendant's name twice in the first paragraph alone,"James said, shaking his head in disapproval at Lewis.
Lewis took a playful swat at James that the younger man carefully avoided. Lewis then checked his watch.
"It's getting late," Lewis said, grimacing slightly. "I... should probably go home and put on my tuxedo." He shuddered at the thought and then turned to James. "Want to come over and wait for the Super with me? I could use the company."
James agreed instantly. There was no chance in Hell that he would miss this golden opportunity to both torment Lewis further and see Innocent looking her most elegant in an evening gown.
