A/N: This is purely a humor fic with no plot to take my mind off some stressing deadlines. Will have inconsistent updates. May or may not contain coarse language, and this will center mostly around the seated officers, lieutenants, and captains of the Seireitei. This will probably take place after the Winter War.


Chapter One: Explosions


-Tea Time

Tenth Division Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro sighed as he pressed the Tenth Division's stamp into a black sea of ink for the umpteenth time, before stamping it on yet another piece of paper, signifying his approval for Captain Kurotsuchi's 'experiment', whatever it was. The report had consisted of detailed explanations of something that he had no clue over, but from what he managed to gleam, it wouldn't destroy Soul Society.

He supposed that was alright.

Massaging his temples, he placed it down in a large, steadily mounting pile of finished paperwork, and then reached for another page the top of an even bigger pile of unfinished paperwork

When he got his hands on that lieutenant of his...

Grumbling quietly to himself as the temperature around him dropped a few degrees, he took down the next page.

The phone rang.

He picked it up, and the voice of his bubbly lieutenant started talking.

"Taicho! Th'nk god yer here! You - " she hiccuped, slurring over the words. "Th'r's an em'rgency!"

"Matsumoto," he practically growled. "Are you drunk?! Get back here and help me finish the paperwork! Geez, it's barely past noon!"

"No, taichooo!" she whined. "T's really baad! Y'see, I accidently forgot m' tea cup a' th' office!"

Toshiro looked over at the tea cup that he was using. It looked brand new, apart from a few scrapes and black smudges. "I think I'm using it. Anyway, what's the fuss about a tea cup! Get over here before I make you!"

"Taicho! Ya d'n't und'rst'nd!" Rangiku protested. "Y'see, th' oth'r day I was pract'c'ng kido - "

"How does this concern me?"

"I w's pract'c'ng seal'ng kido! And I sealed - "

BOOM.

Covered in soot, his white hair smudged gray and soaked to his toes in green tea, all his progress in paperwork lost and his office in ruins, Toshiro quietly swore he would murder his lieutenant brutally with cookies one day.


-Sneeze

"I w's pract'c'ng seal'ng kido! And I sealed - "

A loud explosion in the distance interrupted the busty lieutenant, and she looked up from the phone of the store manager that she was borrowing. Izuru, who was lying unconscious on the floor, didn't even twitch, but Hisagi was sober enough to look alarmed.

"'uh? Wh' was th't?" he slurred.

Rangiku sneezed, before wrapping her scarf more tightly over her shihakusho.

"Huh." she said. "M'ybe th' air condition'ng's too cold?"


-Pink

"Third Seat Madarame?"

Ikkaku, who was taking a short break from the daily sparring sessions/brawls in the Eleventh Division, removed the water bottle from his lips, his bokken slung across one shoulder, and looked over at the unseated shinigami who had recently been accepted into the Eleventh, after graduating from the Shin'o Academy.

"What is it?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Well..." the shinigami hesitated, but plowed on. "It seems that a lot of shinigami fear Lieutenant Kusajishi, but I've heard that you're at least lieutenant-level." he looked at his feet for a moment. "I mean, she's so childish that I can't take her seriously."

Ikkaku started laughing. "Well, yer really underestimatin' her. We ain't scared of her just cuz the captain's her foster father."

"Really?" the shinigami blinked. "What happened the first time you truly angered her?" he asked in true curiosity.

Ikkaku stopped laughing.


-Cats

In the morning, Soi Fon liked to sharpen her skills and practice her shunko, in hopes of one day being able to duel with her idol, Yoruichi-sama. Normally, she would go over to the large mountains that bordered North Rukongai near the lower districts, and train herself physically, such as one-armed push-ups on the tip of a 1,800 feet mountain.

After that, she would go work on her kido, hakuda and shunko relentlessly for the rest of the day, leaving all the paperwork for the Ommitsukido and the Second Division to her lieutenant. Maybe the fatass would finally work then.

Of course, before that though, her morning routine was quite simple.

She would wake up to her custom-made cat-shaped alarm clock, in which the alarm was Yoruichi-sama's yell of "Shunko!" that she had recorded in the folds of her uniform during their battle. She would get up from her cat-pattered futon, and brush her teeth with her custom-made cat-shaped toothbrush. She would take a quick shower, using the cleaning soaps of Yoruichi's scent, and those only, before drying herself with a Yoruichi towel (that she had made herself) and dressing herself in her captain's garb.

Of course, not before she made sure all her black cat plushies were in the right spots in her closet.

Wouldn't want a subordinate to find that.


-Charge, my fluffy warriors

"Whose idea was this again?" a disgruntled Renji crankily asked his captain, as he transported a crate of sheep, baying loudly and stinking just as much, to the Twelfth Division barracks.

"Captain Kurotsuchi's," Byakuya replied calmly as he helped in the transportation. "He wishes to see if the spiritual entities of certain...creatures are similar to their living counterparts, and how their spiritual energies work. He has indicated that it may be possible to teach several animals how to harness their spiritual energy and it may benefit the Gotei 13 greatly, with the increase of military strength of numbers."

Renji tried to picture a sheep in a shihakusho, waving a zanpakuto within its teeth as it charged at Aizen.

"I'm not quite sure that's a good idea..."


-Alpaca Spit

"These guys are so loud, and smelly," Renji complained, as they began transporting a horde of alpacas. Kurotsuchi had already started studying the earlier animals that they had brought maybe an hour ago, and it was tiring work, not to mention extremely boring.

And the smell.

Renji had lived in the lower districts of Rukongai, but still, the horrid smell of these animals bothered them so much to the point he wanted to bash his head against the Seireitei walls.

When Renji had voiced this to his captain, Byakuya had gazed at him cooly.

"Renji, whilst performing your duty, you must follow all instructions given. It is absolute. Even if the order seems petty, it could very much influence the Seireitei. For example, these animals could be taught how to wield spiritual power and augment our military power - "

An alpaca bayed and spat in his face.


-Hordes

"Ahhh...that was so fun ~ " Rangiku sang lightly, as she left Hisagi to carry an unconscious Izuru back to the Third Division barracks. She walked lightly across the streets, and though she still had a sake bottle with her, she was careful not to get too drunk. After all, her captain would probably harass her about paperwork the moment she got back to the office.

But it was so boring! She couldn't stand doing it, geez!

Before she could start ranting loudly to whoever was around to listen, though, she heard a weird, distinct, rumbling noise. It was approaching her.

Rangiku, despite slightly drunk, managed to avoid the horde of alpacas who streamed past her, running for dear life as pink sakura blossoms chased them with a fury behind them.

"Huh," she mumbled as she took a swig. "Must be a bad day for Captain Kuchiki."


-Foam

Hisagi sighed as he carefully lay Izuru across his bed, in the barracks. Geez, he didn't know his limits. The third seat of the division would have to take over for a while.

Hmm...he isn't as bad as the time he was in a loincloth, Hisagi tapped a finger to his chin, while trying to shove the disturbing memory out of his mind. Maybe I can leave him to his division this time.

Nodding, as he was busy with publishing the magazine as well as acting as the de facto captain and lieutenant at the same time, he was about to open the door to leave when the foam reached his feet.

And he swore loudly.


-TRUE STORY [Ichigo]

"So in the living world, when I was little, my mother would make me attend this church. During the summertime, they had this camp that she always made me participate in - don't ask me why, I wasn't the tiniest bit religious as I could see ghosts, but I went anyway to please her. Anyway, there was this supervisor who was really old - for a human, I mean. She was like ninety years old - it's pretty darned old for a human, Renji. So even though she was so old, she drove a car. On the last day of the camp, they were handing out prizes, and a girl who got Kindest got this huge, see-through bag of Barbies. I swear. So she was all happy, and showing it to her parents, and then the old supervisor walked by and asked her, 'What are you doing with those bag of carrots?' True story."


A/N: That last part really happened to my English teacher XD Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! Review, and tell me what you thought of it!

-alittlebitlate