A/N: There have been a lot of readers of Eight months and eight days of Fifty Shades that wanted to know what happened to Ana during the time that Christian was held captive. I wanted to give it a try and write about it, but it will obviously have no fun filled chapters, or not much anyway… so girls, crab those tissues.

Important: The story will contain extracts from the original Fifty Shades Trilogy when Ana thinks back to the things Christian said to her.

Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.


Ana POV:

It's been hours with no news. No one knows where Christian and Ros are. Charlie Tango just went missing and they can't find them. How the hell can a fucking helicopter just disappear?

I glance around the room at all the sad and worried faces. What will our lives be like if he is found… dead. No! I can't think that! Christian has to be fine… he has to. I simply won't be able to survive this if he's dead. I don't want to survive this if he is not coming back.

I turn my attention back to the blazing fire and try to remember some the things he said to me since I met him.

"Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I'm not the man for you."

"I don't do the girlfriend thing."

"I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of guy."

"I don't make love. I fuck… hard."

"This is all I know."

This was in the early days. First he wanted to keep me at a distance and then he wanted me as a submissive. My poor broken and damaged Fifty. Will I ever see him again? What if I never see him again? The thought is so painful that I start sobbing huge chest-wrenching sobs. Kate and Mia come to sit on my sides and Grace puts one of the throws around my shoulders. This just makes me cry harder. They are worried about Christian and I'm just making this worse for them.

I try to stop crying, but can't. Everything he ever said to me is running through my mind.

"Anastasia, you've bewitched me."

"You're my lifeline."

"I'm now a firm advocate of instant gratification. Carpe diem, Ana."

Why didn't I seize the day? Why was I holding back? I knew that I would never leave him, that simply wasn't an option for me anymore? So why the fuck didn't I tell him what he wanted to hear more than anything? Why couldn't I make him happy before this happened to him? What if I never get to say yes to him?

"I'm doing this because I've finally met someone I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"I am just the same, Ana. I love you and I need you. Touch me. Please."

"This is me, Ana. All of me… and I'm all yours. What do I have to do to make you realize that? To make you see that I want you any way I can get you. That I love you."

"I will lay my world at your feet, Anastasia. I want you, body and soul, forever."

"I'm nothing, Anastasia. I'm a husk of a man. I don't have a heart."

I'm now sobbing uncontrollably and Kate is trying to comfort me. As grateful as I am for her right now, I just want Christian. I don't want comfort or sympathy. I want Christian.

I look at my watch… just after midnight.

"Happy Birthday, Christian." I whisper to myself and Mia cries with me. Kate pulls me into her arms.

"Ana, they will find him soon. He will come back to you. I hate seeing you like this." Kate has never had to really comfort me… always the other way around. I don't stop crying. This is a million times worse than when I left Christian. My heart feels as if someone stabbed me right through it with a knife and they just keep turning and turning… not pulling out… just keeps inflicting more pain. Somewhere in my mind I wonder how much pain a heart can take before it just stops.

"I won't survive this, Kate. I won't. Nothing except Christian will take away this pain. It feels as if I can't breathe. I don't want to live without him."

"Ana, no news is good news at this stage. Mr. Grey is constantly on the phone with the Portland police and they will find him. We just have to be patient and stay calm."

Just as I was about to give Ms. Kavanagh a piece of my mind, Carrick comes in as pale as a ghost with Taylor right behind him.

"Gary, what is it?" Grace is now in full panic mode and my breathing stops. We all stand up in anticipation of news… finally!

"They found the helicopter. It crashed. They found… they found Ros. There is no sign of Christian. It's too dark… the search has been called off and the area blocked off for further investigation." His voice is void of any emotion. Everything after that is slow motion.

Grace falls to her knees at Carrick's feet, sobbing uncontrollably. Carrick just stand there, unable to move. Gail runs into Taylor's arms… sobbing. Mia turns to Ethan who tries in vain to comfort her. Kate goes to comfort Elliot.

And I try desperately… and all alone… to get my lungs to take in a breath.

No! No! This can't be happening. This cannot be fucking happening!

"Oh God, please… NO. Not Christian. Not now. We still had so much to learn about each other. He can't be only a memory to me. I want him… I need him… he cannot leave me. He cannot leave me. I should have given him my answer." I say to no one in particular as I fall to my knees. I see Taylor running towards me. "Oh my God, Taylor, catch her!" It was the last thing I heard before my whole word came crashing down and everything was dark.

I feel myself coming back and all I want to do is stay here. It doesn't hurt so much in the dark. I like the dark. I don't want to go back… not without Christian.

"She will be fine, Kate. Her brain needs to process all this and it's her body's way to protect itself. You weren't here to see it, but we have never seen two people more in love than Ana and Christian. This is very difficult for her. They are two halves of a whole and I'm not sure if the one can function without the other." Grace explains to Kate and I continue to struggle to stay in the darkness.

"Dr. Grey, maybe you should give her something to knock her out for a couple of hours. With any luck, they will find Christian before she wakes up again." Yes, that will be perfect. Thank you, Kate. I want to stay here.

"No! Ana wouldn't want to be knocked out. She would want to be awake when the news comes and especially if Mr. Grey walks through those doors. We won't give up hope and Ana won't either. Please. Don't give her any medication unless she agrees to it. She is my responsibility and she deserves to have a say before anything is administered to her." O fuck, there is Taylor… my voice of reason and I decide that it's time to leave the darkness. I prepare myself not to cry and open my eyes. I'm in our bedroom… in the middle of the bed. I turn to Christian's side and I breathe in my favourite scent… big mistake. The pain returns at full force and I feel my heart tightening again, until it becomes unbearable and I start sobbing again. I grab Christian's pillow and starts to sob uncontrollably into it.

There is a hand on my shoulder and I just lose it.

"OUT! All of you out!" I jump from the bed to face a shocked Grace, with her medical bag in her hand, Kate, Mia and Taylor with Gail behind them holding a tray with tea. "I don't want tea! I don't want sympathy! I don't want to be comforted or knocked out! I just want Christian!" I fall to my knees with my head in my hands, "I just want Christian! I just want Christian. Please… Taylor… find him."

Grace comes closer and kneels beside me. Tears are falling on my shoulder from her cheeks and then she reaches into her bag. She removes a bottle with clear liquid. Then takes a needle out of its packaging. She's going to put me to sleep. I don't want to go to sleep.

I look at Taylor… bewildered and utterly heartbroken. He gives me a sad look, "Ana, we have to get you to calm down. You will have a breakdown if Dr. Grey doesn't give you the medicine."

Before I can answer, I feel the prick of the needle in my arm. I turn my gaze to the needle and watch helplessly as the liquid is pushed into my system. I then turn back to the rest of them. Kate is holding Mia back. Does Mia want to come and help me? Gail is standing with the tray in one hand and her other hand over her mouth… tears flowing over her usually composed face. Then to Taylor who looks like he is in severe pain.

"Find him Taylor… please… find Christian." And that was the last thing I remember before I go back into the darkness that would become my friend if Christian is not found or… found dead.

18 June, 2011.

I wake up and my head hurts like hell. The sun is shining brightly into the room and as I turn to the alarm, it is after eleven already. What catches my attention however, is the glass of orange juice and the two tablets next to it. Christian! Christian's back!

I quickly swallow the pills and jump out of bed but immediately stop… that was a bad idea. I clutch my head in my hands and wait for the pain to stop before I run out of the room. I run straight to the kitchen, but apart from Gail, no one else is in there. Before she can say anything, I turn on my heels and run towards Christian's office… not there either. I grab the phone on the desk and phone his number.

"Grey, leave a message." God, I miss that voice.

I slam the phone back down and run to Taylor's office. He's probably in there briefing them on the crash. I throw the door open and Taylor immediately jumps up. I look around the room… confused… and a creepy feeling is starting to take hold of my body.

"Ana, what is it?" He walks up to me and puts his hands on my shoulders.

"Christian, where is he?" He looks into my eyes for what feels like forever.

"Ana, they have not found him yet. I'm trying to get access to the crash site and surrounding area, but the Portland Police Department is refusing to let our security team anywhere near there." My heart starts to feel tight again as I stare into his concerned face. I'm trying to make sense of this… in vain.

"The juice… and pills…" It had to be him. He did that for me... didn't he?

"It was me, Ana. I thought you might have a headache when you wake up with everything that happened last night."

And that's it; the tightening of my heart turns to a crushing pain. No human body would survive this amount of pain on a continuous basis, of that I'm sure. My breathing increases as the crushing pain becomes unbearable. I'm trying to take deep breaths, but it hurts too much. I look up to Taylor and his face is filled with concern and helplessness.

"I thought… They haven't found him?" He shakes his head and keeps his cautious eyes fixed on mine. "When have you spoken to the Detectives last?"

"Just before you came in."

"I see." I start to sound like him and it would be funny if I was not in so much pain.

"Ana, can I get you something? You look very pale and you will need to eat something." He is starting to sound like him too. Is this what my life will be like if they don't find him? Me constantly hearing Christian in everything anyone says? Can I cope with the memory of him? Just the memory… Never feeling his touch again… Never arguing with him again… Never making love with him again…

No! Please, please, please. I'm struggling to breathe. My heart feels as if is being crushed and at the same time it's beating at a thousand beats per minute. How will I learn to deal with this all consuming pain if he's not coming back?

Taylor picks me up bridal style and I grab onto the front of his shirt… sobbing into his shoulder. We walk wordlessly to the bedroom where he puts me down gently.

"I'm going to ask Gail to prepare something for you to eat. Do you think you would be able to get some soup down?" I nod and although he closes the door a bit, he doesn't close it all the way. I try my best to listen at what he says to Gail… anything to keep my thoughts off my current situation.

"Jason, what is going on? Ana looked better when she came in here earlier?" Gail's voice is laced with concern.

"She thought Mr. Grey was home… she was looking for him." I hear her loud gasp and that just makes my cry more.

"Oh Jason, I hope for her sake, and for his, that he is found soon. He will certainly go crazy not being near her for too long. The poor girl, how will she survive this and still remain herself?"

"I know Gail. Please can you prepare some soup for Ana? She needs to eat to keep her strength up."

"Of course. Are you going back to your office?"

"Yes, Barney and Welch will be here soon. We are trying to see if we can do anything to help from here since we aren't allowed to go near the crash site until the investigation is completed." He sounds as helpless as I feel.

I turn around and see Christian's pillow on the middle of his side of the bed where I left it last night. I grab it and let go of the tears that wants to break free. If they don't find him… or if he is dead… this will be my life. Dark and empty. My light is missing and they can't find him.

After a long time, the tears starts to dry up and I lie in a foetal position. There is a bowl of soup on the nightstand… Gail must have put it there and decided that it's best if they leave me alone. I have to get up and take a shower. I think back to the shower we took last weekend at the Fairmont.

"You love me," I whispered. "Yes, I do"

"Let me love you," he said after I dried him as we got out of the shower.

"Do you have any idea how happy you make me feel?" He asked me as we waited for the car to be pulled up front.

"You're the first girl in here, apart from my family," He said to me in the master cabin of the Grace.

"Yes, yours. Always." He said to me after he put the life jacket on me.

Our always cannot be over yet! We didn't even get five minutes of always.

The pain is just too much! They have to find him.

I get up to take a shower, tears still rolling freely down my face. The water is cascading down my worn out body, but where it used to always relax me, it does nothing. My heartache is too much for anything to make me feel better. The shower feels too big… it was built for both of us! I fall to the floor, warm water running over me, heartbroken, helpless… and alone… all alone… and I just cry.

When the water starts running cold, I decide that it's time to get out. We have made love in this shower so many times and the water has never started to run cold, so I must have been in here for a really long time.

I get out and wrap myself in a towel and as I turn to walk out the bathroom, I hear him.

"Dry your hair, Anastasia. I don't want you to get sick."

I take the small towel and drop to the floor. I cry softly as I dry my hair… amazed that I still have any tears left to cry.

Looking into the mirror, I don't like what I see. I have circles under my eyes, hair towel dried and left like that, sweatpants and one of Christian's t-shirts with bare feet. As much as the picture bothers me, I don't have the strength to change or do something with my hair. This will have to do.

I walk to the nightstand and see that the soup is gone. I'm now forced to leave my private sanctuary. I open the door and quietly walk down the hall, but stop when I hear voices.

"No news Mr. Grey. We have tried every avenue to gain access to the crash site, but nothing seems to work. The Portland Police won't let anyone near the crash site until the investigation is complete. They have search dogs searching the area since six this morning and still haven't found anything." He stops and takes a deep breath, "I'm sorry I don't have better news, Sir."

"That's fine, Taylor. Please keep me informed."

"Will do, Sir."

"How is Ana?" He is concerned about me? It would be heart warming… if my heart wasn't broken.

"Not good. She hasn't eaten anything. This morning she was looking for Christian in the apartment and was devastated when I told her he's still missing. Gail took her some soup, but went to get it, untouched, about an hour ago. I'm not sure she will survive it if Mr. Grey is…" Dead, say it Taylor… dead! But he can't be. I would feel it if he is no longer breathing.

I walk into the great room and all eyes are on me. Mia rushes over to me and pulls me into her arms. My head hurts and I've cried for the last couple of hours, but I return the hug and wait patiently until she pulls away.

I leave her to walk over to Taylor. He's worried gaze is on me until I stand right in front of him with pleading eyes. He shakes his head slightly, immediately understanding what I'm asking, even though I already know the answer. He pulls me into a hug as well and this time, I grab onto him and hold on for dear life. He is the only one, apart from Gail, that knows. They know how much we mean to each other and they know how hard this is for me.

"I'm here for you, Ana. Gail and I will both be there for you whenever you need us." Taylor whispers into my ear and it's the first thing in the last twenty four hours that has actually made me feel better. I nod and pull away. As I turn around, I'm faced with the whole family, all watching me with concern and sympathy. Grace and Mia have tear stains on their cheeks, but even they look at me with concern and sympathy.

Concern and sympathy… it will be the only thing that I see when I look into other people's eyes… and I hate that thought.

Accept it or flee…

I chose to flee.

I enter the kitchen and Gail wraps me into her loving embrace immediately. I look up into her eyes and see compassion and love… much better.

"Can I please get something to eat… and some tea?" She releases me immediately.

"Of course. Alfredo?"

"No, just a sandwich please." She looks at me with understanding and turns to the fridge.

"Cheese?"

"Yes, please."

I brace myself and walk into the great room to face the family. Everyone is quietly watching my every move and I feel extremely self conscious at the moment. I take a seat on the couch closest to the fireplace and take the throw at the back of the couch and wrap it tightly around me.

I stare into the fire for a couple of minutes and then turn to face everyone.

"I'm fine." There is no conviction in my voice and Kate raises her eyebrow sceptically. "Okay! I'm not fine. Only Christian… safely home, will make me fine."

Grace takes the small bottle of pills next to her and comes to sit next to me.

"Ana, I brought you some sleeping pills. There is only seven in and I we will look at the situation when they're finished to determine a way forward." She thinks he's dead! If I will need more after seven days… she thinks he's not coming back. I take the pills quietly and stare into her sad eyes.

"He's not dead," I whisper and a single tear runs down her face, but she says nothing. He's not dead, I have to believe that.

Gail comes in with a tray containing my sandwich and tea and I take it with a grateful smile, which she returns effortlessly.

Kate decides to lighten the mood by telling us about their time in Barbados… how fucking inappropriate!

I tune out the voices around me and just stare into the fire while I eat my sandwich. I can feel someone staring into the back of my head and after I finished my sandwich and tea, I turn to look into Mia's broken face. She gives me a weak smile that doesn't reach her eyes and I will have to get used to that too I guess… people smiling at me when they don't really feel like it… with sad eyes.

I return her weak smile and turn back to stare at the fire. I remember when we danced in front of the fire before going to the Coping Together gala and silent tears starts to flow again. This is just too much. I get up to take the tray with me after I put the pills in the tray as well. In the kitchen, I hand the tray to Gail and take the pills. I walk over to the cupboard for a glass and then to the fridge to fill it with water. The pills are so small. Hard to think it will put me to sleep, but what the hell… anything to get rid of the pain. I swallow the pill and put the rest of the pills in the cupboard before turning to go back to the great room. Christian would be pissed if I was rude.

I sit back in my seat and look at everyone talking softly. It's after nine; surely they should go home soon.

Taylor comes into the room and stands awkwardly to look straight into my eyes. No news then.

Carrick and Elliot jump and ask as one, "Any news?"

"Unfortunately not. The PPD is calling it a night as it is too dark again. They will continue the search in the morning." He is still looking at me, waiting for my response.

"How is Ros?" I'm not sure if I should go and visit her.

"She is shaken up, but recovering. She might be released from hospital tomorrow or at the latest Monday. I've given her an update and she asked to see you. I told her that I will let her know when you are available or up to seeing her." I keep my eyes fixed on him as I know there is something he's not telling me.

"And?"

"Ana, the press is all over this. It's not pretty. They have all but declared Mr. Grey… dead. The news reports vary from who will inherit to… when the memorial will be. We will have to release a statement. Ros said she will give a personal statement on Monday… if there is still no news." He still has something to say and I wish he will just spit it out and get this over with.

"Taylor, just say whatever it is."

"The attorney called. He has instructions from Mr. Grey that if something should happen to him, Ros is to take over as acting CEO immediately, but any major decisions are to be approved by you in advance. The instruction was given when he updated his will on Monday. This is of course until the will is read or until Mr. Grey is found." Holy cow! What the fuck was he thinking? I know nothing of running a company. Surely Ros should approve major decisions?

I glance around the room and everyone basically has the exact same expression… shock and disbelieve. I compose myself, suddenly feeling exhausted.

"I see. Anything else?" Please say no.

"No, Ana. That's all." He takes a step into the great room and looks over my exhausted face. "I think that maybe you should go to bed. You look exhausted." The knowing look on his face tells me that Gail probably told him that I took the sleeping pill.

Carrick gets up and gestures to the door. "We should also get going. Ana, please call if you need anything and we will come over. Don't you think we should call your mom to stay here with you? Or maybe you can come stay with us until…" Until what? He walks over to me and I stand up. He again surprises me by pulling me into his arms. "I'm worried about you, Ana. We all are. You really shouldn't be alone. You are family and you need family. Please, come stay with us?" I pull away with silent tears again running over my cheeks.

"I need to be here Carrick. Besides, I'm not alone. I've got Taylor and Gail here with me. I'll be fine." I take his hands in mine. "But thank you very much for the offer. When Christian comes home… I need to be here."

I greet the rest of the family and have to literally tell each one of them that I will be fine. Finally they are ready to leave, but Kate walks back while Elliot holds the elevator door open.

"Ana, do you want me to stay with you?" She has been a good friend for over four years, but I don't want her friendship now… I want Christian.

"No, Kate. Go home. I promise to call if I need you." She gives me one last hug and as the elevator door closes, a dead silence fills the penthouse. I'm exhausted, alone and heartbroken.

I walk into the bedroom and switch off the lights. It's only the faint light of the bright moon shining through the windows. Kind of depressing for someone in my condition, but also calming. I fall onto Christian's side of the bed and crab hold of his pillow.

"Come home to me, baby. Please. We promised never to leave each other. You can't leave me now. Please don't leave me now." The sobs start again and they continue until I drift into the darkness again.


A/N: This was actually harder to write than I initially thought it would be. Please review and let me know if I should continue.