A/N: 5x23 got me excited. The promo had me squealing. The Canadian promo however, broke my heart into a million pieces. Because of that, this o/s will not be a sweet CB reunion that's intended to happen early on in the ep (like would've been written post-seeing-the CW promo), but rather an angsty o/s that may or may not end well. What can I say? I need to get out my frustration and heartbreak, even if it's completely unnecessary, since I know CB will end the ep together. *sigh* God help me and my reeling emotions.
*SPOILERS: Canadian promo
*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.
…
Her heart broke. It hurt. It was being ripped apart, out of her chest, out of her memory. She was gone. She was a ghost. She had never existed. She never loved Chuck Bass. He never loved her. He was better without her. Everyone was better without her. Games had destroyed her, had destroyed them, and now it was too late. She'd lost herself, but in finding herself she'd gone too far back, back to the girl she was when he first fell for her. Back to the girl who played with his feelings because she was scared of what they could be.
She hadn't told Dan she loved him, because she didn't love him. What she'd told Serena had been the truth. The next person she told she loved she wanted to be the last, and right now she loved Chuck and she couldn't handle what that meant.
But it didn't matter that Dan had been the distraction she'd eagerly taken so she didn't have to figure things out with Chuck. None of that mattered, because Chuck was done with her. She'd waited too long. She'd strung him along, maybe without even realizing it. And now he was gone. She was gone. Life was pointless.
Dan had cheated on her with Serena. She should've seen that coming. Dan always went back to Serena. The fact that he did it because he had been sad and thought she had cheated on him with Chuck didn't change things, and she realized it wouldn't matter if they did. Because in that moment when she'd found out, the only thing that came to her mind was that she'd have to deal with Chuck now. She couldn't avoid him any longer. The second was that she had to destroy Serena, and the third was that she'd have to ignore Dan, at least for awhile, before unleashing her wrath, which she realized would not be all that difficult. Because as horrifying as it should've been, it didn't phase her much. When that small bit of her diary was blasted out from Gossip Girl, all she could think was…he knows.
Chuck knows that I still love him, that I'm still in love with him.
But as she thoroughly believed now, none of that mattered.
Chuck was done with her.
She met his eyes across the lobby. He didn't look angry or surprised or happy. He just stared at her. Making her way through the crowd, she went to him.
"Can I talk to you?" she asked.
He nodded once and followed her to a hidden, quiet room just off the hallway.
"I heard about Dan and Serena," he said before she could even get a word out.
She blinked. She certainly hadn't expected that.
"Oh."
"Gossip Girl blasted it," he said, sounding confused that she seemed to not know what he was talking about.
She lifted her eyebrows knowingly and avoided his gaze momentarily.
"Yes, well, I probably should have seen it coming."
His brows furrowed.
"Dan always goes back to Serena," she said simply.
"Blair-"
"I came to talk to you about my diary entry that got blasted," she interjected before he could continue on the subject of her and Dan's relationship.
His face softened, but she did notice he seemed uncharacteristically nervous suddenly.
"Can I assume it wasn't forged?"
She swallowed. "No."
"So…"
"I love you," she confirmed. "I'm in love with you. Not Dan. You."
It surprised her to see resentment transform in his eyes.
"This whole time?" he asked, bitterness seeping out like the hiss of snake.
She swallowed and narrowed her eyes. "Yes…" She looked down briefly and sighed. "I know I said I didn't before, but…I was just scared."
"Scared?" he asked in disbelief.
She blinked, offended now. "Yes. I think that after all you've done to me and everything I've been through, I have a right to be scared."
"But you don't have a right to lie straight to my face about it."
"It's not like you haven't been scared in the past," she spat.
"In high school," he said. "Before most of our complicated history."
"Chuck-"
"And at least I had the decency to tell you I was scared. I even went so far as to tell you that just because I wasn't saying the words, didn't mean they weren't true."
"Ch-"
"No." He shook his head and sighed. "I went through hell these last few months, watching you with Dan, taking your accusations lying down, when you refused to help me with the issues revolving around my mother, I didn't press it."
"I helped you when you really needed it. With everything with Bart. I was there for you."
He nodded. "Yes, but it didn't start with that, did it? You did it for your own benefit, not because you cared about what I was doing or what I really needed help with."
"Just because it started out that way doesn't mean it stayed that way."
"Lucky me." The sarcasm was thick in his voice. The deadly offense in his eyes could've killed anything looking into them.
"Chuck." Her tone was low and dangerous, but also desperate.
"I appreciate what you did," he said, "but that doesn't change the fact that you've been stringing me along this whole time and it took a Gossip Girl blast for anyone, especially me, to really know what you're thinking and how you truly feel."
Her face fell.
"I can't play this game anymore, Blair. I need to move forward with my life now," he said calmly. His face was like stone. Stern. Calculated. Decided. And in that moment she knew she'd lost him forever.
She grabbed his hand. It was hard and relenting in her grasp.
"I'm not playing anymore. I want you. You're it for me."
"How convenient for you."
Her brows furrowed and her bottom lip started to quiver. It felt to her as if her hands were starting to slip from his firm fist.
"How long exactly has it been since you found out Dan cheated on you?"
She swallowed.
He nodded and forced her hand off his.
"I'm done," he said, and started to walk away.
She spun around and grabbed hold of him, scared more than ever of losing him.
"No, it's not about that. Chuck. Chuck, stop. When I found out, I felt nothing."
He stopped and turned to her.
"What are you talking about?"
She gulped, but was relieved that he'd stopped.
"When I found out, all I could think about was you and what this would mean for us. I realized that even though I should have been distraught, if anything I felt empty, not sad or outraged."
"I imagine it takes awhile to sink in," he spat, albeit more gently than he had before.
"No." She shook her head. "When I heard and felt nothing, I realized that I didn't care. This whole time, I never really cared about my relationship with Dan. Dan was just…he was just safe."
"So, you decided that since our relationship was too complicated, you'd put yourself in a safe place all the while knowing I was suffering."
"I didn't-"
"You didn't know?" he asked, exasperated. "Don't tell me that, Blair. Tell me whatever other lie you want, but don't tell me that. Right after your wedding when you insisted I stay away, I told you how hard it would be for me to even think about you with anyone else."
"Louis never touched me," she said defensively, "Just like I said he wouldn't." She knew her reasoning would never suffice, but it was the only truth she had to offer.
"No, instead Dan did. You had a full-fledged affair with him while you were still married."
"Chuck…"
"No, stop," he demanded, putting up his hand to silence her. "I can't do this anymore, Blair. I just can't. We're not in high school anymore, and by how you've acted all these months and even now, it's clear we're not equals."
"Chuck! You can't blame me for being scared. Yes, you've changed, but you burned me so bad the last time we were together. How could I be sure you wouldn't do it again?"
"You couldn't," he said. "You would've had to trust me." He shook his head. "I don't blame you for being scared, Blair. I blame you for lying straight to face and putting me through hell when all I ever wanted was you. I would've done anything for you. I did do as much as I could to make you happy."
She dropped her hand.
"But I'm not doing it anymore. I'm done, Blair."
He spared her one last meaningful glance and turned away, walking back out into the lobby.
She was still shaky from the encounter.
What was left for her now? Destroying Serena for sleeping with Dan? Spewing out a few venomous words to her Brooklyn boyfriend she more or less planned on dumping via text?
Nothing. No one. And she'd told him she loved him. She'd told Chuck Bass she loved him. He was the person she told, and putting that together with what she'd told Serena, that meant he would be the last.
He was the last person she would tell and he was the one who didn't want her anymore. She'd pushed him too far, just like she'd pushed Louis, just like she'd pushed Dan straight into Serena's arms. Though, still, the latter didn't really bother her. The only thing that bothered her was that by lying to herself, she'd been lying to everyone else, and hurting them more than she could ever hurt herself. That alone made her heart hurt, and more than it could have before. She could put any excuse out there to justify her actions, but the one person she wanted most to forgive her never would. For all his reformed ways, even the new Chuck Bass had his limitations.
And she would not be the exception.
Two weeks ago he was so concerned for her when she looked just a little shaken up at the mansion they'd bombarded hours away from the city. Now she was the scum of the earth to him. It didn't matter that she'd made her decision and chosen him over Dan. It was still up to him on whether he would choose her, whether he would take her into his arms again and hold her and love her for the rest of their lives.
He'd chosen against that. He'd said no. He'd stopped loving her.
She realized she was crying when she saw droplets start to appear on her lap. The dress she'd put on was exquisite. She'd hoped to impress him, that maybe that would help in winning him over. But it hadn't. Nothing she had said had won him over, so why should her supposed beauty do the trick?
Any confidence she had was now shriveled up into the ground as she sat in one of the chairs lining the wall in the room she would forever remember as the room where Chuck Bass broke her heart by her own doing.
She heard footsteps approaching the room and straightened in her chair, wiping at her tears rapidly.
Chuck approached her and brought out a small velvet box from his pocket. He opened it and revealed the shining diamond ring.
"When I got out of the hospital after the accident, I repurchased the engagement ring from Harry Winston, because I was convinced that our love was strong enough, and that somehow, someway we'd find our way again and the third time would be the charm."
His eyes were fierce as he placed the open box on the chair beside her.
"I don't want it anymore. I don't believe in it anymore."
Her jaw dropped and tears threatened to fall again. She wanted to speak, but couldn't. Wanted to reach for the open box but couldn't bear to. It hurt to look on. It was so beautiful.
When the door shut again, she finally found the courage to take the diamond ring from its encasement. Her hands shook so much she was surprised she managed to get the ring on her finger.
She stared at it and cried. Just cried. She sobbed. She ruined her make-up. Her face and her neck were both wet, damp with perspiration and tears.
Was this really what it had come down to?
She didn't want to return to Dan and forgive him, try to make it work. She didn't want to make up with Serena, not yet at least. There was only one thing she wanted, and she would never have him again.
She shuddered, but managed to balance enough to make it out of the room. She walked through the grand lobby into the casino. She walked straight for the main desk and roughly pull the ring from her finger and placed it back in the box. The clerk's eyes widened, but he took it and over the space of the next ten minutes, gradually gave her the exchange in chips.
She forced a tiny grateful smile and scanned the room for Chuck. With the large bag of chips in hand, she headed for his near empty table. She emptied the chips onto the table and pushed them to the center.
"All in," she said, a shaky confidence in her voice.
Chuck turned to look at her but said nothing. His expression changed from stoic to amused and back again. Then the game began.
She lost. He won. She got up and left as he gathered his winnings.
….
She couldn't breathe.
The street was closer, but there were so many people out there, so she went for the stairs.
There were plenty of levels for her to climb up, but the elevator was too enclosed, too small. If she couldn't breathe now, she would suffocate in there.
She reached the top and realized that on this roof there were no balconies. Nothing to stop someone from falling if they walked too close to the edge.
She could walk there, she realized.
She could go to the edge and then it could be over.
Then this mess she'd made could be over.
She eyed the brink and walked closer to the edge. She saw the tiny cars, tiny people, the lights decorating the city and felt nothing but her heart clenching inside her chest. She wanted to scream. She wanted her vision to blur and for her to stumble and fall and go off the edge. She wanted to rip the dress from her form and go out into the public and be completely humiliated. She wanted to go back in time and erase her relationship with Dan and her marriage with Louis. She wanted to make Chuck see how good he was without her. Though, she realized now that he would probably learn that well enough on his own.
She stepped away from the edge.
This was not the way to go. It was rash and immature and Chuck would sneer her down all the more when he found out. It would succeed in making Dan and Serena look guilty, and it would devastate her parents and Dorota.
She walked to the small enclosure in the middle of the rooftop and walked around it to get to the entrance back down to the stairs. She stopped when she saw Chuck standing there.
"Chuck."
He turned to look at her. They just stared at each other for a few moments, waiting for the other to say something or maybe just to leave.
"Where'd you get all that money?" he asked point-blank.
She swallowed.
"I traded it in for the ring," she said shakily.
"And you made sure I won," he scoffed, clearly insulted.
She blinked away tears. "I didn't deserve that ring, Chuck."
"I didn't propose to you," he spat.
She swallowed again. "I'm aware of that."
"So then why—"
"Because I don't deserve it! Because I don't deserve you or anyone anymore! Because I've made such a mess of things I don't know what to do but to get rid of anything that anyone thinks I should have or what they don't want and just…"
"You can't just buy me back-"
"I wasn't!"
"I don't want to be Mr. Blair Waldorf. I'm Chuck Bass!" he shouted, aggravated.
She held her tongue and then he held his.
"I'm sorry," she whispered finally, avoiding the eyes she wasn't sure were even on her. "It was just too beautiful."
She lifted her eyes to his penetrating stare.
"I couldn't have it."
He stared at her hard.
"I couldn't let myself have it. It…it burned my finger when I put it on," she whispered.
His eyes widened a little at the knowledge that she'd put it on, but he didn't question or voice the realization.
He let her leave. Let her go home. Let himself just stand there.
Alone.
…
A/N: This really should have a happy ending. I'm just so ridiculously depressed, it's unreal. Maybe after I recuperate – if I do – I'll make this a two-part with a happy ending. =) And btw, I realize it's completely unrealistic to have Blair contemplating suicide over this. I just…needed to transfer my incredibly troublesome emotions by making her absolutely distraught by what Chuck said to her. So, that's my excuse. Thank-you for humoring me by reading this all the way through. =)
