(A/N: Hi everyone! I know I'm not done with Savior, but this inspiration hit me and it was too good to withhold! Hope you like it! It will be a two-shot Cabbie.)
Robbie POV
Boom.
I don't know. I just don't know.
I wish I did. What I do know is depressing. Really depressing. Which is why I keep going to that psychologist Cat mentioned in passing last year.
Sorry, off topic. What I was referring to is everything around me is beyond suckish right now. Must be this weather getting to me, I guess. Or my pearPod. It played sad love song after another while I worked on my homework from 9 to midnight.
I know I'm not a cute or hot guy. Sure, I get comparisons to the guy on SNL all the time. But that's not a good thing. It's not like people talk about Andy Samberg like they drool over Josh Hutcherson. And I know that I don't help myself by carrying around a freaking puppet to cover up for my mistakes and social shortcomings.
It bugs me. But at least I have great friends. It's amazing, they can almost convince me to put Rex away when I do something without him and it goes absolutely amazingly.
But one thought brings me back to earth and absolutely buries me.
I think I'm in love with Cat.
I'm almost positive I am. I wanted to be around her constantly before Christmas and she loved my cotton candy gift and kissed my cheek. She always was the one I texted first when I got some news, good or bad.
I rely on her, which is dangerous. Not only because she's well…Cat. I can't imagine what would happen if you remove her from my life. If I had to guess, it would be like a stack of Jenga blocks. Take out the most important one (Cat) and it all collapses.
But god I love her so so much. She makes me do so many stupid things just for her. Like play along those childish games she loves for reasons unknown, or break my veganism for her not to feel alone eating tacos.
Or my "Wanna make out?" mistake that she laughed off, or bounced off and hasn't mentioned since.
Part of me is happy she dropped it. She could have taken a step away from me and our friendship. Nope, she is right where she was when I messed up and said that.
The other part of me…wants something to happen. This can't go on forever. Her asking why I asked to make out with her would have forced the issue, and things would be different.
How? I…I don't know.
Thing is, I'm not sure I can love Cat like she deserves to be loved.
That's the only real effect my parents divorce has had. Other than that, I've been able to focus on school and…Cat.
But with them constantly yelling and bringing out the worst in each other, along with me comparing those aspects in me gets me worried. I do have a temper, and a breaking point. I can't play this game with her forever. Plus I'm probably not good enough of a person for her.
She's an angel. Which makes it amazing she doesn't have a boyfriend by now. There's basically nothing wrong with her. Yeah, she's a little immature, but that is the result of a amazingly positive outlook on life.
As opposed to me, who's the grey cloud of our little group of Tori, Beck, Jade, Cat, Andre and me.
On top of that, she's got the looks of a model. Absolutely gorgeous. All the pictures of her by herself she simply radiates. A easy smile that isn't striking, eyes shining and a face that's happy and memorable.
One of the things that bugs me the most is that the pictures of just the two of us…she's not that Cat.
Yeah…she's Caterina Valentine. It's not like she looks like a different person. But it's not the Cat I just told you about. Her eyes aren't shining, and her smile seems different from her smiles when she's with everyone else, or by herself.
I hope I'm not holding her back. If she wants me to go away…I don't know what I'll do. I know I'll try to drag myself out of the picture, despite my feelings to the contrary. I want what's best for her. I just hope that I'm wrong.
I don't think I am.
I'm not exactly a stellar person. It looks like it, but my flaws negate any positive traits. And everything I have to offer can be offered by someone much more attractive than me.
Someone deserving of her looks. That beautiful smile I never share with her.
It breaks my heart, that smile.
Over my desk I have a picture of Cat and I from after one of the plays last year. I look better than normal, and Cat's…the Cat I always get in the pictures.
A few months back, on a day I clearly wasn't thinking, I grabbed a picture she took from her slap page of her posing for a photo shoot and stuck it next to an extra copy of the pic of us after the play on a piece of paper. It's in my desk, left side. Next to the piece of paper that has what I wrote in her yearbook last year.
"Cat, thanks for being such an amazing girl. Never change sweetheart. –Robbie"
I planned for weeks to write that, expecting her to say something to me, leading to us falling in love. Sounds dumb I know.
But nothing happened. Big surprise. Just the smile I never get to keep and a "See you this summer."
And she was gone until the first day this year.
Boom.
I hope this thunderstorm doesn't knock out the power. I haven't figured out how to set the alarm on my pearPhone. And I don't want to miss a minute of time I could have with Cat.
I haven't been with her outside of school since the "make out" mistake.
Now that is something that if I could stop worrying about the other stuff, would be cause for real concern.
Maybe our schedules aren't clicking right now. I hope that's it.
I know I'm repeating myself, but I can't think of another way to put it. I'm just hoping, throwing it against the wall and praying it sticks for the night and I can fall asleep.
But on nights like tonight that I can't sleep, I end up pacing like I am now.
I can see Cat and that picture.
That smile.
The bubbly persona that can't be duplicated.
2:30 AM.
I gotta lie back down. Try to get to sleep while I can.
