Originally, she had wanted to become a doctor to help people, to make them better, to give something back. This rapidly altered to becoming as proficient in the job as was possible, a constant goal for her. From an F1, she could be an F2-cum-HO, then and SHO, a registrar, a consultant, department head, director of something; the list was endless. With each position came more power, more influence, something she loved to have, control and exercise.

*

Originally she had used power-play as a game, something for her to practice and improve at, something she could succeed at. One part of this was her choice of clothing; she only wore trousers because they helped create a status within the hospital saying that she could not be messed with. Her choice of transport was a key playing piece, building on her status and reinforcing the rumours that she was a hard-as-nails woman. Power play was something she could work on easily, something that took very little time and effort, especially for someone with her background.

*

Originally, she had taken an interest in her co-worker because she was female; she doubted there would be many, if any, who would not. As she learnt more about him, it grew into another form of power play – this man could help make her a great doctor, help her with anything. He had a great amount of influence over the right sort of people, and it appeared that he liked her.

*

Originally, she moved up the proverbial romantic ladder because of the power he could give her, as well as the power the other man wielded. It did not feel too wrong, and she did not feel bad, so that was that. Everything became more involved with him, and he became more supportive of her, more willing to help.

*

Originally, she felt very little when everything fell apart, other than annoyance that she was going to be held back. However she looked at it, this was a major set-back, something that could be overcome, but only with a huge amount of time and effort. More than had already been put in so far.

***

Looking back, she could not believe how one-tracked her mind had been, how stoically focussed she had been. She did still have that ability, but it was more hidden these days, only showing itself once every so often.

*

Looking back, she was whoring herself out, only this payment was into her career, not her pocket.

*

Looking back, there was always a part of her attracted to him, a part that knew using him was wrong. A part she did not listen to.

*

Looking back, she could see that she became a doctor because fixing somebody else would always be easier than taking a look at herself and fathoming out both what was wrong, and what she needed to do.

*

Looking back now, she could honestly say that she had been in love with her co-worker; her mind disguising this with its intense focus. The disappointment when everything broke had been a cover-up for her guilt and her own betrayal, and her recent withdrawal was a reaction to her lack of path to choose.

*

The truth of it was, Jac Naylor had always been a cold, mean-hearted bitch. It started off with her life in a care home and grew during medical school until now. It had never changed – it was her twisted way of protecting herself from being hurt; don't let them too close and they can't hurt you. But somehow, Joseph Byrne had wriggled his way into her heart and she did not know; now her protection had turned on her. her prickly, two-faced-ness was the reason for her misery and one she would never forgive. It had burnt her bridges, leaving her stranded from him and unable to make amends. Originally, it was a defence, looking back, it had always been her enemy.


I know I should be updating See Me Hear Me, but I couldn't stop myself from writing this short, angsty piece.

Please review! I need to know how it came across.

Woody2792x