Author's Foreword,
The fanfiction you are about to read has been in my computer since roughly May of 2013. I was writing it around the time I had just moved away from my parents for the first time. At the time, I was 22 going on 23 years old, had a full head of hair and had only about $500 in credit debt. 4 years later, that amount has increased over tenfold and I am shaven bald at nearly 27 years of age.
The reason I never posted this story was I never felt like I completed it. I lost interest in fixing the ending so it has been sitting in wait. With the upcoming release of Baywatch; the Movie, I see this as a chance for you to read a funny tale of Family guy inspired from the Baywatch TV series. This is by no means a serious story, and as such, don't take it seriously.
And don't be offended. If you are, stop reading.
Enjoy.
-Phil from Produce.
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Chapter 1 - Peter's harmless prank
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The Griffin family were enjoying a day at the local beach. Lois and Meg were lying in the sun, while Peter and Chris were building a sandcastle. Chris was digging rather quickly and actually got a foot deep hole dug.
"Chris, slow down, you can't dig that fast." Said Peter
"I just did, you fat bastard!" Said Chris
"Chris, we agreed to play by the rules. You haven't found any diamonds yet, therefore you don't have the diamond shovel, and you don't have a diamond pickaxe!" Said Peter
While Chris and Peter continued to argue, a few feet away, Stewie was finishing the final touches on his sand sculpture.
"Oh, it looks magnificent." Said Stewie
Then Brian walked over and looked at it.
"What's that supposed to be?" asked Brian
"It's Brad Pitt's buns!" Said Stewie
Brian looked at the sculpture again.
"Gay." Said Brian
"It is not gay!" Yelled out Stewie
"Really? Then how do you explain the bulge in your shorts?" asked Brian
Stewie looked down and then Brian snapped his fingers on his face.
"Ow! Damn you! You lied to me!" Stewie yelled out
"You deserved it." Said Brian
Just then, 2 bikini clad girls walked up.
"Oh my god! that's Brad Pitt's ass! Who sculpted it?" asked one girl
"I did!" Said Stewie
"That's such great artwork! Are you like, a professional artist?" asked the other girl
"Oh, yes, I sculpt so many great pieces of artwork." Said Stewie
"Can you like, sculpt me?" asked the first girl
"Well, I don't know." Said Stewie
"Do it!" Said Brian
"I don't know Brian, a moment ago you thought that sculpture was gay." Said Stewie
Brian sighed.
"It does look pretty good." Said Brian
"Ha! I got you! You like Brad Pitt's ass!" Stewie declared
Brian had a look of defeat on his face.
Meanwhile, back over at the beach towels, Meg was lying face up in a black one-piece bathing suit while Lois was laying in a bikini on her flat belly letting her bare back tan.
"Mom, when can I get a bikini?" asked Meg
"Meg, we tried that already. That Victoria's secret employee had to go through therapy." Said Lois
"It's not fair! I want a bikini body like all the other girls!" Said Meg
Meanwhile, Peter had gone for a swim, when he was sneaking up on a 6-year old girl.
"Da-dun! Da-dun! Dunt-da-dunt-da, I am Peter, i'm a sharky/ I eat people/ I pull plugs on little girls rafts..." Peter then swam up and pulled the plug on the little girl's raft!
"Ahh!" the little girl fell into the water.
"Hehehehe! You got all wet!" Peter swam away laughing at the struggling girl.
Back on shore, the girl's parents were in shock.
"Oh my god! Lindsay fell into the water!" said the girl's mom.
"She can't swim!" Yelled her dad
At that moment, Lois felt a surge of responsibility and ran towards the water, dove in, and saved the little girl from drowning, and brought her to shore. The girl's parents then came and got their rescued daughter.
"You're an angel! Who are you?" asked the mother
"I'm Lois." Lois then handed over the girl. Just then, all the eyes stared at Lois. Brian's jaw slapped the sand. It was only 3 seconds later that Lois remembered she undid her bikini top to tan and noticed she was topless!
"Oh my god!" Lois covered her breasts. "This is more embarrassing than when we had barbie over for supper that one time."
(Cutaway)
Barbie is sitting at the griffin's dinner table. Peter just stares blankly at her.
"Uh, are those real?" asked Peter
"No, they're plastic." said Barbie
"Really?" asked Peter
"Sure. See?" Barbie took off her dress and showed off her top half.
"Dad, where are her nipples?" asked Chris
"Oh, I had them removed." Said Barbie
Peter groped Barbie's breasts.
"They are nice boobs. Lois, you're getting your nipples removed thursday!"
"Peter!" Lois yelled out in embarrassed frustration.
(End Cutaway)
Lois embarrassingly walked over to her towel and laid back down to continue tanning. Meanwhile, Peter came running over.
"Lois! You won't believe it! Some hot woman came running out and her boobs were flopping around and she saved a little girl!" Said Peter
"Peter, that was Lois who ran topless and saved the girl." Said Brian
"Oh god, Lois! I told you that you have to wear a top! You're a big girl now! Geez, you embarrass me sometimes." Peter reprimanded
Peter then walked off to continue working on his sand castle with Chris.
"Lois, that was incredible! You looked like a baywatch girl!" said Brian
Lois giggled at the compliment.
"Oh-ho-ho, thank you Brian." Said Lois
When Brian walked off, Lois had an idea.
"I should totally become a lifeguard! I'll be a better lifeguard than Kermit the Frog!"
(Cutaway)
A little boy was drowning in the middle of a pool.
"What the hell are you doing, Kermit? Get out there and save him!" Yelled a swimmer
"I can't!" Said Kermit
"Why not! You're a frog! You can swim!" Said the swimmer
"How the hell can I swim with a hand up my ass?" Asked Kermit
(End Cutaway)
