I don't know how I got to this point, sat on my own in a pub garden overlooking a park while I listen to the cars go past. The glass in front of me is empty and has been for quite a while and despite the freezing temperatures I have no desire to move. My fingers feel like they're about to drop off and I don't think I could pull my coat any closer to me yet I don't want to move. Not yet. I'm a grown woman yet with every person passing and the sudden sirens from an ambulance pass by I'm getting more and more scared. Other than the lights from the cars only the slight light from the moon is lighting up my surroundings a little and I know even that comfort will be gone soon as the clouds float in front as if putting the moon to bed. I bet you're wondering why I'm sat here if it's cold and I'm scared but really I have no choice. I can't be at home because at this point I'm not even sure I have a home. You see I did something stupid, well actually at this point I haven't decided how stupid I have been and right now dwelling on it isn't going to fix things in the here and now. I fell in love with someone I shouldn't have, I embarked on a fling with him despite the fact he could never love me and the fact that I'm married. For a while I was happy and living a double life, my marriage was more two strangers who live together and happen to share a bed and distant memories. As far as I know though he never cheated on me, we fell out of love but for years we weren't prepared to do anything about it. That's when I fell for James. It's almost 6 months that I've been seeing James but tonight my husband found out and kicked me out. I should have always known what I was getting into but I love James so much that he made me breathless and unable to think of the wrong or consequences of what I was doing. In reality I don't care that my marriage is over and although I might do tomorrow, tonight I don't care what anyone else thinks. You may also ask why if I'm so in love with James then why I'm sat here. That's easy, I love him but if I turned up on his doorstep now then he'd suddenly realise what he's done and then I'll have lost him too. I'm ashamed to admit it because I've always been so independent, but I can't lose James, the thought makes me feel sick. It sounds pathetic but I'd rather die than lose him. "Jean?" I'm beginning to think I'm going crazy, make that even more crazy, because I can hear his voice. I know you're thinking I should be sectioned now and I probably should be but I'm so convinced I can hear his voice. As I said before I'm rooted to the spot now more so because I'm frozen so I can't move around to check that I am as I suspect, alone. "Jean you must be freezing. It's not the middle of summer." I wasn't imagining it, he's here in front of me and taking my hands and pulling me into his arms. "We can't." I whisper. "Your husband called me and told me I was welcome to you and then the bartender rang Robbie to say he was worried about you but he was busy so rang me to come and get you and it's probably just as well. Come on get in the car before you contract hypothermia and we can talk back at mine."
