Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

Forwards – Part One

This is a sequel to my previous story Backwards. It takes place after Catherine leaves and deals with how Michaela and Sully begin to heal.

The small mirror reflected her face, showing the hollowness of her cheeks and lines on her forehead. She ran her fingertips over the lines, hoping to smooth them out as if she were smoothing out wrinkles on the bed. This was silly she told herself. After all they had agreed that it wasn't time to move forward yet. This was simply about restoring their friendship. Yet still she worried, afraid that the last few weeks showed on her face, around her eyes and mouth.

Now she looked down, her outfit chosen this morning with the thought that Sully would be at dinner tonight. She knew she had lost weight but it wasn't until now that she realized just how much. Her skirt appeared too long, dragging the floor of the homestead. It no longer stayed around her waist but hung rather on her hips. She pulled it up, straightening the side seams wondering why she was worried about how she looked. After all Sully knew the last few weeks had been hard on her and truth be known he had appeared rather haggard at their last meeting as well.

"Want me to call Brian to set the table ma?" Michaela turned at the sound of Colleen's voice.

"No, I'll do it." Michaela moved to the shelf, grateful for a useful activity that could occupy her hands as well as her mind even for a brief moment. Yet she forgot that even setting the table would remind her. The plates came first, five of them. She walked around the table doling them out – one for Colleen, one for Brian, one for Matthew, one for herself and one for Sully. Five spoons, five forks, five knives and five cups joined the plates each one reminding her that he would join them tonight – each one making her feel as if she might not be ready.

She went and stood behind her chair looking down the length of the table to where he would sit in a matter of minutes. It was only at this instant that she realized exactly why she was so nervous. Before now she had been unable to grasp that the problem was complicated. On one hand she was afraid that she wasn't ready to spend any amount of time with him. Yesterday, when they had met, it was dreamlike and even now if felt too surreal. Yet she also feared she was too ready. Loneliness was something she had indeed known before but after Sully came into her life that hadn't been an issue. The sting of being alone again was harder than she had thought it would be and part of her longed to simply be in his arms again, feeling his deep abiding love. Still that was the problem, she wasn't sure she could feel that love anymore. Around and around the thoughts swirled in her mind mocking her heart until she felt more confused than ever. She raised a hand to massage her left temple, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves.

Closing her eyes she asked herself what she wanted out of tonight. She smiled – she knew the answer to that question; she wanted to be his friend again. Fond thoughts flooded her memory and she relaxed. Tonight would be the sign that the wounds were beginning to heal – already were healing. Yes that was what she wanted- healing. She opened her eyes and took a step back, looking at the table now set for five. A wide smile graced her lips. This felt right.

Brian wandered in from outside with Matthew on his heels, both heading to see what Colleen was cooking. "Smells good, little sis," Matthew said jovially patting her on the back with one hand while the other snatched a carrot off the sideboard.

"Matthew," she scolded, swatting playfully at his hand.

Brian was looking at the table, an odd expression on his face. "Ya got five places set. Is Sully comin' for dinner?" he asked, enthusiasm obvious in his voice.

"Yes." Michaela smiled down at Brian, leaning over to ruffle his hair. Sully's absence had been hardest on him and she knew that his presence would be welcomed by the young boy.

"Ma, are ya and Sully still courtin'?"

Michaela blushed deeply, unsure how to reply. Her mind felt jumbled as she tried to find the words. 'I.. uh… that is we…" Her voice trailed off as she grew more flustered, knowing Sully would be here soon. It was a question she wasn't ready to face yet. Forcing herself to take a deep breath, she calmed a little. "We are taking some time."

"Some time?" Matthew looked over at her, his eyes wide. Sully's absence for the last two weeks had been noticeable, but Matthew had assumed they had argued and would soon be back to their old selves. To hear Dr. Mike actually admit that there was a problem, worried him.

"We need some time apart to think… to make decisions." She avoided his eyes, choosing to straighten the table settings instead.

"Is this cause of Sully kissin' Catherine?" Brian asked, his voice ringing out loud and clear. Colleen was jarred by his words and she dropped the spoon into the stew. Matthew furrowed his brow looking from Brian to Dr. Mike and back again. Neither had known, Michaela saw no point in telling them. She truly believed that this was only between the two of them. The fact that Brian had witnessed the kiss in the first place could not be helped but she truly thought he had forgotten all about it. The minute the stagecoach carrying Catherine had left town, Brian had readily forgiven Sully. In his innocence he spoke and Michaela could see that his brother and sister weren't taking it well.

After fishing out the spoon, Colleen turned. "Sully kissed Catherine?" she asked in disbelief.

Michaela who hadn't recovered from Brian's first question was reeling from the second. Concentrating her eyes on the table in front of her, she began to speak. "Well… Catherine kissed him. She didn't know about us. It was a misunderstanding." She couldn't' believe she was using these words when she felt it was so much more. Yet to be so brutally honest in front of the children and tell them how she truly felt was more than she could manage at the moment. The darkness threatened to overtake her momentarily but she put up a roadblock not letting her mind wander down that path. "Don't worry. Sully and I are working it out." She looked up seeing three pairs of eyes trained on her. "Really, there is no reason for you to worry."

Brian was the only one of the three who listened, turning towards the fireplace and sitting down with Pup beside him. Matthew stepped in close, his eyes boring into hers and Michaela grew nervous. "Ya sure ya want Sully here tonight?"

"I invited him, Matthew." Her words were curt but her eyes held gratitude for his concern.

"Dr. Mike if your letting him come because of us.."

Michaela held up her hand to interrupt him. "Thank you, Matthew. Thank you for wanting to protect me but he's still my friend, even if we decide not to be anything more than that. He's still your friend too."

Matthew raised an eyebrow in her direction, understanding how hard it would be to see Ingrid if they were broken up but he left it alone, trusting that she knew what she was doing. Michaela patted his arm and moved over towards the stove to assess Colleen's state. She had gone back to the stew but Michaela could tell she was upset by the way she stood.

"Colleen, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she lied trying hard to come to grips with this new information.

"Please don't be upset. What happened is between Sully and me. He's still the same person who loves and cares about each of you." Colleen nodded, chocking back her own emotions. With the past few weeks finally beginning to make sense, she wasn't sure what to feel. She knew things had been tense between the two of them. Colleen was the only one who had heard Michaela's late night crying, who wondered what had happened to cause the strongest person she knew to sob into her pillow when she thought everyone was asleep. She didn't want anything to do with the person who made Dr. Mike feel like that. How could he let that woman kiss him?

Michaela was still standing with Colleen, trying to think of what else to say when the knock came to the door. She looked at the door and then at Colleen, feeling torn about what to do. Colleen sensed the hesitancy in her mother. Not wanting to add to her distress, she gripped Michaela about the waist. "It's fine, ma. Go on."

Brian was looking expectantly waiting for the word that it was alright to open the door. One nod from Michaela sent him running and she smiled when he opened the door and threw his arms around Sully's waist. "Sully!"

"Hey, Brian. I've missed ya." Sully patted the young boy's back, his eyes already meeting Michaela's as a tentative smile spread across his lips. The truth be known, he was extremely nervous because he felt as if their whole future rode on whether tonight went well or not. Logically he knew this was a small first step but judging from the butterflies in his stomach, his heart believed it was much more.

He stepped inside taking off his jacket and tool belt and hanging them on the back of his chair. Matthew stepped forward and offered Sully his hand, his top lip curling slightly. "Sully."

"Matthew, it's good to see ya too." Matthew let go of Sully's hands wanting to say something else but feeling it wasn't his place. Whether or not Sully had initiated the kiss with Catherine, Matthew knew it was bothering Dr. Mike. The strain was still evident on her face. A feeling rose up inside of him that he had never quite felt before. It didn't matter that she wasn't his real mother – he felt duty bound to protect her even if that meant from someone that he loved and respected. He wouldn't let Sully hurt her again.

Colleen busied herself with removing the biscuits from the oven so that she didn't have to greet Sully right away. "Hey Colleen," Sully offered speaking to her back.

"Hello," she returned, her voice small and strained.

Sully didn't notice though, his eyes were once again on Michaela trying to read her face. "Hey," he said softly stepping closer to her. The sound of her heart pounding inside of her chest, filled her ears and she wondered if he could hear it as well. "Did ya have a good day?"

"Slow day. Only two appointments at the clinic. How was your day?" Her eyes were riveted to his and she knew she couldn't look away even if she wanted to.

Sully gave his head a brief shake so that his hair fell behind his shoulders. "Checked some of my traps." No more words were said but their eyes communicated with each other. Both had spent most of the day thinking about tonight, which was obvious from their expressions. Wakened from their slumber by Colleen's dropping the stew down on the table harder than necessary they both turned.

"Supper's ready," she muttered, her face turned down and her cheeks a bright red.

Matthew and Brian wasted no time finding their places but Sully hesitated for a moment as if he wanted to say something. Colleen was already preoccupied with laddeling out stew for each person and Sully took advantage of the moment to reach for Michaela's hand. The move caught her off guard but it wasn't exactly unwanted. The moment his fingertips touched her palm, she found her senses soaring, warmth flooding her body and pooling in her cheeks. Tenderly he squeezed her fingers. "Thank you for invitin' me," he whispered.

"You're welcome." Her words were soft and featherlike – they hung in the air before floating away as if blown by a spring breeze. There was true gratitude in his eyes and perhaps even a small tear thought Michaela. When he pulled his hand away, she almost reached out and grasped it again not wanting to end their connection.

Dinner passed quickly – too quickly for either Michaela or Sully's liking. Colleen rarely looked up except when spoken to and she never once spoke to Sully. Michaela sensed her discomfort and Sully knew something was wrong but it was hard for either to do anything about it now. Besides every time her eyes met his, the three children faded away momentarily. Neither was sure how to handle it. Michaela felt as if she was defending the wall around her heart while each glance from Sully threatened to crumble it. Sully repeatedly reminded himself that things were still tentative and he couldn't risk ruining everything but rushing ahead blindly. Enjoy each moment he told himself. Enjoy the children, enjoy the food….enjoy her presence.

Soon the dinner plates were cleared and Colleen excused herself, feigning a headache to escape from the room. Matthew who normally would have headed out to the barn, stayed put his eyes roaming freely between the two. Sitting near the middle of the table it was as if he kept guard over Michaela, afraid to let Sully get too close. Brian asked Sully to play checkers and while they played Michaela washed the dishes, lost in her own thoughts.

The faint sounds of the checkers clicking against the board and Brian's laughter faded but Michaela never noticed until Sully stepped up beside her, taking a towel to help her dry. "I sent him on to bed. Thought I could help.

"Who won?" she asked trying to make small talk.

"Brian but my mind wasn't exactly on the game."

"Thank you for helping," she mumbled, her cheeks flushing at his words and proximity to her. Silence descended between them, each uncertain what more to say. Sully wanted to sit on the porch with her, talk about how to move forward but he didn't want to press his luck. Besides he had noticed how Matthew hovered over them and he wasn't sure that the young man would allow that to take place. He moved slowly hoping to draw out the process, not wishing to return to his lean to just yet. There was no delaying the inevitable though and eventually the last dish was dried and returned to the shelf.

"Thanks for dinner." He stepped towards his chair and put his belt back on before slipping his arms into his jacket. Michaela stood awkwardly to the side, uncertain what to do. A noise in the alcove caught her attention and she recognized the muffled sounds as Colleen crying. Her heart was stirred and she knew that whatever further thoughts she had about stepping outside with Sully would have to be suppressed – her daughter needed her.

"Good night," she offered, stepping towards the door to open it for him. Sully followed, turning so that their eyes met as he leaned his head against the door jamb momentarily.

"Night."

Their words hung in the air, their gazes locked. With a small space in between them, Matthew stepped forward. "I'll walk ya out Sully."

Sully was taken aback by the young man's directness but he nodded and moved through the door with Matthew on his heels. The blackness of the Colorado night was broken by the million tiny pinpoints of light cast down from the stars in the heavens. A small sliver of the moon hung in the night sky, casting a silvery glow on the ground. Even with a stalwart Matthew at his side, he couldn't help but think of Michaela. The long coppery locks would shine in the moon's glow. He closed his eyes for a moment and imagined his arm wrapped around her waist, the fragrance of her hair filling his nostrils.

Matthew's voice broke his fantasy. "Can I talk to ya for a minute?"

"Sure."

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Matthew stepped up beside Sully standing tall and straight as he took on this new role. His mouth was set in a straight line as he considered the man before him. It was Sully – the one who evened Michaela out, who loved them, took care of them but that didn't give him a right to hurt her. "I know it ain't my business what happened with Catherine."

"Matthew, that was a misunderstanding…" His voice trailed off, realizing that he was once again making excuses for his behavior instead of taking the responsibility. Regardless of whether he had meant to hurt her or not, the fact was he had and that was his burden to bear now.

"I'm not askin' ya to explain yourself to me – Dr. Mike's the one who ya need to talk to about that."

"She ain't ready to talk yet," Sully replied turning his head to look longingly back at the door.

Matthew ignored the forlorn tone of his voice pushing himself to speak the feelings that had risen up inside of him the moment he first heard about Catherine. "She's been miserable for weeks. I don't want to see her like that again… I ain't gonna let you do that to her again."

Sully suppressed a grin. Matthew was warning him off, letting him know that he was going to protect Michaela at all costs. If this had been someone else – Hank or Loren – Sully would have been upset but he couldn't be upset with Matthew. The words were endearing and sweet, the words of someone who really loved the woman just inside the door. "I don't want to do that to her again. I'm real sorry any of this happened.. I never meant to hurt her."

Matthew gave a small nod of his head. "Just so we understand each other."

"We do," Sully replied, glad for the dark that hide his amusement. It wasn't that he didn't take Matthew seriously but it felt funny to see him acting as Michaela's protector. At the same time, it made Sully feel ashamed that Michaela would need to be protected from him.

"Good." With that, Matthew walked on toward the barn his shoulders thrown back and his chest puffed out. Sully watched him go, pride in his heart at the remarkable way Matthew was behaving. He turned once more to look at the homestead door, wishing it would open and she would emerge but it didn't. A light sigh escaped his lips unsure why he was so impatient to move things along again. This was going to take time. Their relationship had been built up slowly, stone upon stone. Yet a few short whirlwind days had dislodged the stones, toppling each one and Sully knew it would take awhile to rebuild.

"I love you," he whispered. "And I'll wait – no matter how long it takes. I'll wait." The vow was unwitnessed by human ears but that did not matter- in Sully's heart if was set hard and fast. He had to be immovable on this one. With one last backwards glance, he disappeared into the tree line headed for the solitude of his lean to.


Inside the house Michaela slipped into the alcove, two cups of tea in her hand. "Colleen." Her voice was soft and warm, just what Colleen needed to soothe her frayed nerves.

"Ma?" she sat up in her bed, her eyes rimmed with red.

"I brought you some tea." Colleen welcomed the cup, holding it's warmth between her hands as she took a tentative first sip. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Colleen diverted her eyes, pressing her cup against her chest wanting the warmth to fill her body. "Ma, I thought Sully loved you… I thought he loved us."

Michaela took a deep breath. She knew this was going to be hard to talk about but it wasn't until now that she realized just how hard it would be. "What makes you think he doesn't love you?" she asked trying to avoid talking about herself for a moment.

Two eyes looked up at her, her brow wrinkled with thought. "I suppose he does love us but … what he did… it makes it hard to believe. Doesn't he want to be here with you, with us?"

Michaela set her cup of tea on Colleen's bedside table and slid beside her daughter, wrapping an arm around her shoulder as she lay her head in the crook of Michaela's neck. "Colleen, what happened… I can't pretend that it didn't hurt me because it did. I sent Sully away – he wanted to be here but I couldn't…"

She felt Colleen nod against her shoulder. "Do you still love him?"

Michaela took a staggering breath. She knew the answer but she was afraid of it, afraid that speaking the truth would open the flood gates of pain once again. "I do that's why this is so hard, why it hurts so much."

Colleen hesitated for a moment, taking in her mother's words. "Does he love you?"

"I believe so." Michaela's words were short this time, not wanting to conjecture about what his feelings might be.

Colleen shivered against her mother. "Love isn't supposed to be like this," she whispered and Michaela recognized her own words. "I don't ever want to fall in love."

Michaela rubbed her daughter's shoulder reassuringly. "Oh Colleen, you can't build a wall around yourself. Yes sometimes love hurts – hurts deeply but it's also wonderful. The most wonderful feeling I've ever experienced."

"But is it worth the pain?"

Michaela smiled, the wall around her heart suddenly gone. "It's worth it," she whispered, closing her eyes and leaning her head against Colleen's. "Trust me, it's worth it."


When he had seen them, he had thought of her. The white petals tipped with purple ends, so delicate and graceful; the yellow center jutting out in all directions more perfect than he had ever seen. Falling to his knees, he cut them close to the ground wanting to preserve every bit of their beauty for her. Columbine flowers – Michaela had once told him that their name came from the Latin columba, meaning peace. It seemed appropriate to bring peace flowers to her as their relationship seemed to be moving forward. He was still worried about Colleen's reaction from the other night but he reminded himself that everyone would need time to heal, not just Michaela.

Carrying the flowers in the crook of his arm, he set off for the homestead pleased with himself. He knew she would be returning from town about now and he hoped to surprise her, simply leaving the flowers as a gift without expecting dinner in return. The dinner two nights ago had given him confidence that they could get back what they had lost. The process might be slow and possibly still painful but there was hope in his heart. It felt as if the foundation of their relationship was already rebuilt. The chimney of the homestead came into view and he smiled broadly ready to see her face.

The sound of an approaching wagon stopped him in his tracks and he peeked through the trees to glimpse her face before he made his approach. The sight before him was unexpected though and he took a step back, swallowing hard. Michaela was driving the wagon seated next to a gentleman that Sully had never seen before. His heart froze within him as his worst fear seemed to take shape before him. It couldn't be, he told himself and snuck closer watching as they disembarked from the wagon. Matthew jumped out of the back and helped Michaela down but the strange man was there almost immediately. His face was animated as he spoke to Michaela and Sully could see that she laughed at his words, welcoming him into the house warmly.

He looked down at the flowers still tucked in the crook of his arm, noticing how they had already begun to wilt reflecting the way his heart fell. Closing his eyes, he lifted the blooms to his face and breathed in their sweet scent. Rationally he knew that this man could be anyone but the fact that he was at the homestead with his family. His family- Sully paused for a moment as he realized where his mind wandered. The thought that he would have a family, a real family – he never let himself dwell on it. There was part of him that still held onto the guilt of Abigail and Hannah's death – the feeling reminding him that he didn't deserve a family. Perhaps he really didn't deserve a family, after all he had messed things up with Michaela by letting Catherine come between them.

Sully waited until he was sure they were all inside and then he crept to the porch and left the flowers. He wouldn't see her smile or hear her gratitude but hopefully she would know- know that he thought about and loved her – know that he was waiting. Laying them at her door as an offering, a testament of his love he moved silently away again to begin the journey back to the lean to. The sound of laughter drifted through the door stinging his ears, the hope that was present moments earlier crumbling to bits. "I can't move backwards and only be her friend," he whispered. "I have to make her see, help her understand…." He turned, his head downcast, his shoulders slumped – a defeated man who had no one to blame but himself.


I decided to break this into two parts because it had become rather long and I wasn't yet satisfied with the second part. More by the end of the week. Thanks for reading.