Being an Evil Overlord is TOUGH, you know?

June 24th: I got out of bed half an hour ago. I was hungry so I ate breakfast (a sandwich with bacon from hellfire pigs). I can't eat so much if I'm planning to keep my ninja frame (with 3% body fat!), but I must confess that I have a soft spot for hell-fire baconwiches.

I killed some minions yesterday, and sent the rest of them to the Forest Temple. A scorpion's gotta eat, right? They'll also provide a distraction if a random hero were to wander in, looking for his girlfriend.

I must practise my sword moves tomorrow.

PS. I can't believe my aunt sent me this diary. She said I needed 'an outlet for my emotions'. Hah! She was always ridiculously mushy. I mean, last Christmas, she gave me a gloopy kiss and completely screwed up my makeup.

June 25th: Ahem.

When the moon rose above its earthly prison, I swung my lithe body out of my silken bed. I loped down the lavender-coloured corridor. I greeted my second in command with a single elegant slash of my weapon, which sent his fleshy head rolling gently to my slightly-darker-than-lavender throne.

I carefully sat onto my throne and summoned, in a voice of honey, a –

Oh, screw this. This is a total waste of time.

June 26th:

June 27th:

June 28th:

June 29th: You know, if one were not planning to write an entry, one would think that one would not write down the date.

I'm going to try this again. Just ignore the previous entries.

My name is Ghirahim. I prefer to be indulged with my full name: Lord Ghirahim. But I'm not fussy.

What I AM fussy about is being called by my childish nickname Debbie. Call me that, you infantile book, and I will PERSONALLY RIP OUT YOUR HEART.

WHO THE HELL NAMES THEIR CHILD DEBBIE? WHEN THEY ARE MALE? OBVIOUSLY MALE? I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL IS THEIR PROBLEM?

CALM! I must calm down! I need to calm down! Calm…calm…calm…calm…c…a…l…m…

There, that's better. If I don't maintain my calm, how am I meant to seduce handsome young men in green hats?

Yes. I must be calm. Be calm, and think about men in green hats. Handsome men in green hats… green hats… I wonder if he has a matching tunic…. Or blonde hair… or blue eyes… I wonder what his name is…. I wonder if he will give me a nickname… I wonder if he will call me … DEBBIE!

WHAT IF HE CALLS ME DEBBIE? I'LL HAVE TO KILL HIM!

!

June 30th: Well, that sucked.