I shouldn't have.
I had this revelation shortly after four a.m. as the alcoholic daze I was in cleared.
I should never have.
It had been a good day though: nearly two years of investigation had led to the conviction of a sexual predator who had made four little victims.
The atmosphere was festive and I accepted Winston's invitation to go and celebrate at the pub.
That was a mistake.
I shouldn't have.
Shouldn't have drunk this pint with him.
Shouldn't have taken another one to drink with Lynley when he arrived.
Shouldn't have taken the beer chaser he offered me.
Shouldn't have drunk a third pint over dinner and, above all, I shouldn't have accepted Lynley's offer to share the taxi.
I shouldn't have invited him in, shouldn't have let him kiss me and I should never, absolutely never, have shown him I wanted him but flesh is weak and, I can as well admit it now, I've always had a crush on him.
I watch him sleep peacefully near me now, oblivious to the torments that assail me.
Will he regret it too when he wakes up?
Knowing him, he will be cross with himself, will feel like he took advantage of my intoxication when I was the one who pushed him down onto the bed.
I shouldn't have and now I dread the consequences, afraid I ruined my life once again.
It's easy to do without what you don't know but how am I supposed to cope with my lonely life now I know the softness of his lips and the warmth of his body?
I wish we could forget that night, pretend it never happened.
I wish we could stay friends.
Tommy…
I shouldn't have.
