A/N: Just a head up: Clare died giving birth to Julia. Yeah. Just a two-shot I just really wanted to write and...yeah. It's based off a show called Clannad... so the idea off of this is the creator's of Clannad. The title is an instrumental/classical song used on the show, by the way.
Please review and tell me what you thought! It would make my day :)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi.
I just live like I used to live. I wake up, go to work, eat, and sleep… Simply remembering what my body knows to do.
That's how I lived.
I continued working as if I were pushing myself. Forgetting about everything, and continuing work without looking back.
"Mr. Goldsworthy, are you done yet?" My boss would ask me every night before closing time, my sullen eyes glued to my paperwork and filing.
"Not yet. I will be done soon," I'd respond leisurely.
"I'm grateful that you're doing so many things for us," he would tell me, "but if you work that hard, you'll fall apart." He would look at me from the other side of the large desk with a worried façade. "You haven't taken any time off, either, have you?"
"It's fine. I like doing this, anyway."
He would smile at me and fix his glasses, proceeding to scratch the back of his neck. "Just that if you don't take a break every once in a while, the higher-ups will get angry," his voice came out shaky.
After work is over, the time I rest is filled with agony. I'd waste my money to waste time. I'd go to a casino, and then go to a bar until unthinkable hours of the day. If I look at reality, I'd probably fall apart.
I hate this city.
But if I left this city, I'd have no idea what to do. I lived, not thinking about anything.
After I spent my money in worthless things, I would arrive at my apartment, which could pass by as a pig sty. The mail-box was over flowing with notices and mail. The kitchen was a trash. My room filled with crap.
I didn't want think of anything. I wanted to forget everything. I thought that everything was wrong. That I met her… That we went out, got married… And that we had a kid.
…That all of it was wrong.
The door bell awoke me. The fan was the only thing cooling down my apartment in the summer air. I turned on my bed and flung my arm over my forehead, sitting up slowly. I groaned lowly from the migraine I had from drinking so much the night before and stood up from my bed and maneuvered my way to the front door.
As I flung the door open, there stood Helen Edwards with a smile on her face. "Helen?" I asked out incredulously.
"Good morning Eli," she greeted me, my eyebrows pinning together. "I'm sorry, were you still asleep?"
"No… Not really," I muttered, looking down at her feet and then down the hallway of my floor. "You came alone?"
"Of course."
I let out a sigh and gave her a small smile. "Ah, I see. Could you give me a minute? The place is a mess, so I'll clean up," I nodded at her and went into my apartment, closing the door behind me.
After I finished picking up, I opened a window to let the summer air sweep in and we sat around the table in the small living room. I poured myself a beer and served her a glass of water. We kept to ourselves for a moment, until she decided to break the tension between mother and son in law.
"The day is very warm, isn't it?" She said, and I bit the inside of my cheek.
"Yeah…"
She leaned over the table and gave a small smile that I managed to catch. "You should go out for a bit and refresh yourself," she suggested.
"Yes, although Adam tells me that a lot. But for me to be out in this heat all by myself…" I trailed off, looking outside.
"Then how about you accompany to buy some things?" She seemed to be acting rather energetic and happy towards me, and I was very surprised to say the least.
"Why so suddenly, though?" I asked my mother in law as we walked down the street.
"Nothing, really. Once in a while I want to visit my son in law," she put it simply and I had to give her credit. That was a good reason.
"But, you could do something else than to come visit me," I said, and she faced me with furrowed brows.
"Of course not!" She accused, as we stopped at an intersection. "I haven't seen you in over six months – and Randal wanted to know if you were doing fine," she explained. "Do you really mind that?"
"Not at all. I've always been relying on you two, huh?" I said, ashamed at my own weakness, as we crossed the street. I stopped suddenly, looking at the far right and catching a glimpse of the train station. "Things have changed a lot," I pointed out. They had built a large statue next to the station that I didn't know about.
I guess that's what happens when you stop going around town.
"You don't come to the station often?" Helen asked surprised.
I faced her ten and shrugged. "Not over here, no," I told her, and began to walk again.
We kept walking in silence until we reached a small café and we were seated. Once in check and we already knew our orders, Helen was brought a soft drink and I was brought a large strawberry ice cream. I was swallowing my first scoop of ice cream when Helen gave me a curious look and I frowned.
"Are you taking a long break this summer?"
My frown became more pronounced and I put the spoon down. "My company keeps telling me too, but I find it ridiculous."
She moved her drink to the side and put her elbows on the table and rested her chin on her clasped hands. "Randal and I our heading over to my parents, would you like to join us?"
My eyebrows raised in shock that she was being so compassionate towards me after such a long time, and I gulped loudly. "Really? To your parents? Sounds exciting," I joked, and she let out a chuckle.
"It would be nice. But what if we all go."
When she said this, my eyes shot down to my lap and I bit my inner cheek, understanding who she was referring to. "Everyone?" I muttered.
"Yes, all of us," she repeated.
A little girl ran passed our table and both Helen and I glanced at her as she put her hand up to call her mother, "Mom, hurry up, let's get juice to drink!" The little girl said enthusiastically, and ran off, her mother trailing behind.
I narrowed my eyes and looked outside through the large window next to our seats. I could feel Helen's worried face and she smiled. "Let's go, Randal has wanted to have a drink with you," she tried to encourage me, but I wouldn't budge.
"But, I –"
"Let's all go, alright?"
"I'll give it some thought."
After accompanying Helen home, I reached home. I opened the door and closed it behind me once inside and the phone rang. I sauntered towards the small table and picked up the phone, walking to turn on all the lights.
"It's Helen. Have you decided on going?"
I frowned and sighed. "Oh, uh, I still haven't thought about it," I lied. I had thought about it ever since she gave me the offer. I just couldn't say yes.
"Alright then. I'll call you back later."
With that, she hung up and I put the phone down and let out a light hearted laugh. "Why is she so pushy?" I had began to walk to the bathroom when the phone rang again and I picked up. "Hello?"
"Have you thought it over?"
At this point I was overwhelmed and annoyed and I completely gave in to my mother in law. "I give up. You win."
"Then the plan's set?"
I nodded my head at this. "Yeah… I'll take the latter part of next week to match Sunday, and then I'll have four days," I explained to her, and I could feel her excitement over the phone. At this point I knew she was planning something with Randal. "I'll put in a request."
"I'm so glad!"
To be honest, I was reluctant. But it'd feel like I'd be betraying Helen if I refused. Beside, Helen was always pushy with just about everything.
Thursday came along and soon I was walking towards my in laws' house. I opened the door with my left hand, my right hand holding the small bag I brought along. Once the door was opened, I yelled, "Hello?" No one responded and my eyebrows pinned together. "Helen? Randal!" I called out, but once again, I received no answer.
I walked inside and made my way towards the living room. Once more; no one. I was about to search upstairs when a few papers on the table in the living room caught my attention. I put my bag down and walk towards it, grabbing a small letter that was on the table.
"To Eli…" I read.
Something came up, so I left with Randal in a hurry. I'll leave the rest to you.
I put the paper down and looked blankly at the wall in front of me. I glanced at the table and saw two train tickets and I groaned. "You've got to be kidding me."
I turned around when I heard footsteps and I walked out to the hall. I walked down the narrow hall and made my way upstairs. I stopped when I noticed Clare's room and the lighting inside the house became suddenly dim as I narrowed my eyes. "Clare…" I whispered out inaudibly.
I heard the footsteps once more and I looked down the stairs and caught a glimpse of short, dark hair, and walked to the first floor of the house. I was in the living room again when I saw the familiar shadow run towards the guest bathroom and I felt myself relax.
"Julia!" I called out, and soon enough appeared a small six year old girl. The resemblance to her mother was terrifying and the lighting in the house became bright as the Sun shone through the windows.
I sighed as my daughter and I finally saw each other after over a year. Our sight from each other didn't waver and we stared intently at one another until Julia decided to run off. I closed my eyes at her childish ways and called out to her. "Come on, now. You don't have to be so nervous. Come on out." She appeared in front of me again and blinked down at her. "Helen and Randal left, didn't they? What'll we do?"
"Grandma…"
"Uh, I said Helen wasn't around."
"Gramps…"
"The old man isn't around either," I told her again, and she bit her lower lip nervously. I looked away quickly and took in a sharp breath. "Did they leave without telling you anything?"
She nodded her head in agreement.
"What about you?"
"I want to go on a trip," she told me, and I crossed my arms in front of my chest.
"We can't," I tried to reason with her, and I saw her eyes water in disappointment. "Randal and Helen aren't here either. Or do you want to go alone?"
She pursed her lips and huffed. "I want to go with gramps and grandma," she blurted out stubbornly.
"I said we can't."
I was sitting on the floor next to the small table in the living room. My elbow was plopped on top of the wooden table and I had a cigar between my fingers, the ashtray next to my arm. Put the cigar between my lips and took a drag. I exhaled the fumes and put the cigar on the ashtray as I felt my daughter's green eyes on me.
What's with all this…? I thought, looking out to the backyard through the large windows of the living room. I looked at my left and caught Julia's eyes and she backed away a bit – as if scared.
Five years ago, I had entrusted Julia to Helen and Randal. Even when she began to go to kindergarten and had special events, I worked and ignored it all. Helen brought Julia to my place once in a while but, I never even got a good look at her face.
I dumped the cigar in the ashtray and looked at Julia. "Julia!" I called out to her, and she hid behind a wall. She came out of her hiding place slowly, and carefully looked at me. "Are you planning on hiding? I can see you. Come on over, don't stand over there."
She walked over towards the small table and clutched the end of her dress tightly, her knuckles whitening. "Have a seat," I told her, and she just stood there, her eyes on me like a confused animal. "Oh, whatever." I looked away from her to look outside again. "Let's see… I'm pretty sure Randal and Helen will be back tonight. So we'll wait for now. Okay?"
She nodded her head and moved her body from side to side in a negated way. "Trip…"
"We'll go when Helen and Randal come back," I reached into the pocket of my shirt and took out another cigarette. "Play by yourself for today."
She nodded enthusiastically. "Okay."
She ran off quickly and I put the cigar between my lips. "She seems like a boy," I mused. I was about to light the cigar when I heard a crashing sound coming from the stairs. I put the cigar down on the table and got up and walked towards the stairs to find Julia, who had tripped and fallen. "Julia!" I said worriedly, walking to her and picking her up from the floor, sitting her on the first step of the staircase. "Are you okay? Don't run that fast," I told her as she sniffled. I patted her head and touched her arm. "Are you hurt? You seem to be okay. Be careful."
I looked up at the ceiling as she stared at the floor. My gaze followed hers and saw a broken toy turtle with wheels. She stood up and walked to her toy and picked up the pieces and I trailed behind her, crouching next to her. "Were you playing with this?" She hummed as a response and I could see her eyes were watery. "And it broke the moment you fell?"
She shrugged. "Poor Mr. Turtle…"
I grabbed the pieces from her small palms and inspected the toy. "I can fix this if we have glue," I could see her turning to me with a bright smile and her sniffles stopped as she looked at me intently. "Wait a moment, I'll put it together."
We walked to the living room and I put the toy on the small table. Then, I walked towards a cabinet in the kitchen and took out a small container of glue. The cap was a small brush that I could use to fix the small toy. I sauntered towards the living room and sat next to Julia and added the glue on the broken pieces and put the items together.
Julia stared in wonder as I showed her the fixed toy. "There's still a bit of crack here…but it doesn't seem to stand out much." She stood up from her sitting position and took the toy away from my hand. "Don't move it until it's dry. Or the glue will stick to the wheels," I instructed her, and she ran off to play again. "Did she understand that?" I sighed out, and shrugged, laying down on the floor to take a nap. "Whatever."
Julia woke me up in a start. She was shoving my shoulder to get my attention. I had managed to sleep for an hour max and I looked down at the girl holding the wheeled turtle. I sat up on the floor and raised my eyebrows at her in a vexed way.
"What's the matter?"
"It won't move anymore," she said in disappointment.
I put my hand out to her and she placed the toy on my palm. I turned it around and tried to move the wheels, which, as I had thought, where glued. "Hey…I told you not to move it until it was dry." She bit her lower lip then and looked down at her lap and I sighed. "Oh, boy. Now the wheels won't move anymore."
She looked up at me and gave me a worried look. "You can't fix it?"
I looked down at the toy in my hand and narrowed my eyes. "No, it's useless. Forget about it," I told her, and she nodded, as if telling me she understood she did something wrong. "What will you do? Throw it out?"
She gasped and took the toy away from my grasp and held it close to her chest, nodding her head.
"I'm joking…" I trailed off, and look at the clock on the wall. Julia kept looking at me and I began to feel impatient and I stared down at her. "Hm, is there something else?"
"Grandma…" she whispered, and I looked at her.
"Is she back?" I looked over her shoulder and began to stand up.
"She still hasn't," I sat down at this and looked at her.
"Oh," My gaze fell on the clock on the wall once more and I noticed it was about to be three in the afternoon. "I'm hungry…" I acknowledged, and stood up and walked to the kitchen, my daughter trailing behind me. I opened the fridge and we peeked inside. The fridge was completely empty besides a bunch of beers and bread. I looked down at Julia who looked up at me. "I guess I'll make something. Do you want anything? If not I'll make something I like."
I was about to enter the supermarket when I heard an older woman call out to me. I turned to face her and noticed it was Mrs. Bhandari – Clare's best friend's mother.
"It's been such a long time, Eli," She said, and I nodded at her.
"Oh, hello," I told her with a smile and then pinned my brows together when she smiled down at my feet.
"Isn't that great, Julia? You're shopping with your father?"
I gasped slightly and saw my daughter hiding behind my leg. "Eh, when did you –"
"You've been living away from each other, haven't you?" She said in compassion and I nodded in response. "It's not unreasonable. It'd be quite troublesome to take care of a child all alone,"
She pondered and then gasped in realization. "Ah…but you two do meet once in a while, don't you?"
I blinked at her and it took me a while to answer. "Huh, I guess so."
She smiled brightly down at Julia, then, who gazed up at Mrs. Bhandari. "Not meeting each other really is lonely, isn't it? Since she's your daughter, right?"
"I – I guess so," I stuttered out like an idiot.
"Well then, Julia, bye!" She waved at us and walked off home.
We both stood, looking at the woman walk off dumbfounded and I caught my daughter's eye and we looked at each other.
I put her plate in front of her and she sniffed at the smell of pepper. I decided to make fried rice. It was the easiest meal I could possibly think of doing and Clare didn't really teach me much of cooking when we lived together. I walked to the other side of the table and sat on the chair, my plate in front of me. Julia was staring at the plate in front of her in wonder and I frowned.
"What's wrong? You can eat by yourself, can't you?"
She didn't respond. She just clasped her hands together and chanted, "Thank you for the meal." She grabbed her small fork and began to push the rice on it. Once she managed to get the rice on the fork, she brought it up to her mouth and took a bite and I chuckled at her and began to eat myself. Julia frowned all of a sudden and I stopped eating. "It's bitter…"
"Bitter?" I repeated, taking another bite of the rice. "Oh, that's the pepper. Sorry, but without it, it can't be called fried rice," I pointed out. "Just eat it like that."
"I don't want it," she said stubbornly.
Her attitude was exactly like her mother's and I couldn't help but give her a small smile. I then furrowed my brows at her, "Hey, now, didn't Helen ever tell you not to be picky about your food?"
"I wanna eat grandma's rice," she muttered, playing with the rice between her fingers.
"Then don't eat," I deadpanned, taking another bite of the rice as she kept playing. I kept eating until I succumbed to her stubbornness. "Is it okay if I take out the pepper?"
"Yeah…"
"But it'd be bad if I take out the pepper," I was persistent for her to eat it but she was being extremely stubborn.
"Rice," she chirped.
"Rice? Plain rice?"
"Yeah."
"That'd be easier for me."
I placed the plate in front of her and she was chewing on the fork in hunger. "Here," I said, and her face brighten up as I sat across from her once more.
Having fried rice as a side dish to regular rice is weird for a menu… I thought, and she pushed the plate with fried rice towards me and I looked at her incredulously.
"There!" she yelled at me, grabbing her plain rice and taking a bite.
"Hey! What are you doing?"
"I'll just eat this."
"You just threw away the fried rice… Doesn't it seem like you're teasing me?" I said in a hurtful tone. She got off her chair and ran to the kitchen and I looked after her as she came back with ketchup. She opened the cap and began to pour it on top of it. "Ketchup?" I asked myself.
She left the bottle on the table and clasped her hands once more, chanting, "Thank you for the meal."
She began to eat her rice and I just sighed and ate my own plate.
They never arrived yesterday night so I stayed over. I woke up and walked over to the backyard and stretched, the sun shining brightly on me. I yawned as Julia walked out of the house wearing a navy blue dress and brown shoes.
"You woke up?" I asked her and she bit her lower lip.
"I gotta pee."
"Go on ahead."
She ran off after nodding at me. I went to the garage and took out a water hose and began to water all the flowers around the porch of the house. Julia walked towards me then and stood with her head held high.
"I did it on my own."
"Of course," I said, and she lowered her shoulders.
We both sat on the front porch with blank faces. A young man with his two children passed by the house and we just stared as the children spoke excitedly.
"We should do a lot of swimming," the dad told their children.
The young boy looked up at his dad with a large smile, asking, "Dad, are you going to do rowing?"
I looked over at Julia who was in deep thought. After a moment passed, she turned to me. "Hey…"
"What?"
"I gotta go potty."
"Go on ahead," I sighed out, and she got up and ran off to the bathroom. I sat in silence and heard as the toilet was flushed. After a moment, I heard her footsteps behind me and she stood behind my body.
"I did it on my own," she said proudly.
"You don't have to brag about it every time. Even I can do it myself," I spat out. I didn't mean to sound harsh but I haven't been around her for such a long time and it was very irritating for me to be taking care of such a young kid.
Her eyes softened at me and I looked down at my feet, cursing at myself for sound like an asshole. I took out the train tickets from my pocket and I looked at them intently. "Do you want to go on a trip?"
"I do!"
I looked up at her; her face was bright and determined, just like her mother's. "Then, how about we go?"
She nodded at me. "Okay."
"Are you sure with someone like me? Helen and Randal aren't here, either."
"They won't come back," she whispered.
"I guess…they won't be coming back."
"Yeah."
"Then, let's get going."
She looked down at me, her eyes shining in pure happiness. "Okay!"
Julia was putting on her shoes at the front door and I turned to look down at her, my bag slouched over my shoulder. Julia jumped up from the floor and looked up at me as I asked her a series of questions.
"Didn't forget anything, did you?" I asked her as I saw her large, pink book bag hanging from her shoulders on her back.
"No."
"All the doors locked?"
"Yeah."
"Then, we're off!" I told her, raising my hand up bawled in a fast as a motion of accomplishment.
"Yeah!" She said, her fist going up in the air as well.
Julia's always been with Helen and Randal up until now. This is the first time the two of us have been together like this in over five years. I wonder where it is we're going…
