"You can't control me, Inuyasha! There are other people in the world besides YOU! What do you want me to do, sit tight in a little hut, never leaving, never finding someone to try and heal the pain in my heart? And you're off with Kikyo, loving her and caring for her while I'm put away as a last resort. If you can leave me, that's fine! As long as you're happy, that's what I want. But please, don't make me sit around to watch."
Hypocrite
Disclaimer: don't own it. Story's mine, but that's it.
(Kagome POV)
I've been in the Sengoku Jidai for two full weeks now. Mama must be so worried, and I'll bet Jii-chan has told all my friends my skin has turned purple or something crazy like that. I've got to get home, I've missed two tests already! Inuyasha isn't going to like this.
I got up from my place next to Shippou on the grass and patted him on the head saying, "I've got to run Shippou, I'll see you in a few days. If you see Inuyasha…tell him I went back to pick up more supplies."
"Ok Kagome! Will you bring me more of those coloring sticks? I gave about half of mine to Souten 'cause she looked sad."
I couldn't help but giggle at the sweetness of my little kitsune. "Of course, Shippou-chan!"
I started to make my way towards the well, hoping that my sudden decision in leaving would deter a certain stubborn hanyou, who seemed determined to keep me from my family, from discovering my escape. Not that I minded all the time. Sango, Miroku, Shippou, Kaede, Inuyasha, and even Kirara, had all become my second family over time, and being away from them was just as painful as being away from Mama, Jii-chan and Souta. But I do have a life back in modern times.
Well. At least I used to.
In all honesty, I've spent so much of my time here, that I feel more out of place in modern times than in the Sengoku Jidai. The school work has gotten to be way to much for me. I used to be an all A student, but now I'm lucky just to get a C+. All my friends from school, they try to keep in touch with me, but I don't feel close to them at all anymore. Then there's Hojo. Kami. I remember sitting at Wacdonalds with my friends just talking about him for hours on end. We'd giggle and chat about things I could wear next time he took me to the movies, or maybe bad mouth that seventh grader that seemed a bit too friendly for our liking. Oddly enough, my friends seemed to care more about Hojo than I did. I was just glad I had someone to go out with, it was kind of embarrassing to be single.
I couldn't help but give an audible sigh as I walked towards the well.
Ever since I dropped through the well, things in my time didn't seem to matter as much. And even though I tell myself that I never really liked Hojo, maybe, just maybe, if I had never met Inuyasha, I might be happy.
But why am I dwelling on this now? It's not like I could go back and change what had happened. And, though I hate to admit it, I probably wouldn't even if I had the chance. I couldn't knowingly give up my second family. I couldn't give up Inuyasha.
Besides, if I had never come to the past, Inuyasha would never have woken up, and Kikyo's body would be just that, a body. No soul to move her through this world. No soul to love Inuyasha…
And no Inuyasha to love Kikyo.
The blow to my heart was dulled by the fact that I had reached this conclusion a long time ago. Yes, it was a good thing I came here. But I wouldn't have a place in the Sengoku Jidai much longer. Inuyasha may not need me anymore, but I could still be useful to Shippou, Miroku, Sango, and even Kaede from time to time. I won't give up and go home just because I was stupid enough to think that Inuyasha cared about me more than Kikyo. I don't know, maybe he did love me, but if he did, it would be the part of me that looks like Kikyo, does things that Kikyo would have done, even if she would have done them better. It's all right though. I've learned to live with it. Hopefully time will heal the holes in my heart, in my soul. And who knows? Maybe one day I'll find someone else, someone who will look at me and see Kagome, not someone else.
A picture of Hojo, smiling his goofy grin came to mind, and I couldn't help but shudder.
What's wrong with me? Hojo saw me as me, not an imitation, but still. I can't see myself happy with him.
Finally I reached the well. I sat my backpack on the rim of the well and swung my legs over the side. I felt myself slipping over the edge and prepared myself for the strange sensation that came with time travel, but instead I felt a force grab me from behind.
I felt my heart rise to my throat as I heard that voice, the voice that was the reason for all my pain and love.
"And just where do you think your sneaking off too, huh wench?"
Damn, I was so close.
I just sighed as he pulled me back out of the well and sat me down in the grass placing himself between the well and me.
"Well," I spat out bitterly. "I was on my way back to my time. We're out of Ramen and I just guessed you would want more."
Very sneaky Kagome; pulling the old 'Ramen' card.
"Keh, and you thought that you would just wonder off without letting anyone know first?"
"I didn't just wonder off! I told Shippou to tell you where I had gone! And I was only planning to be gone for a day…or two…or three…" I trailed off, lowering my voice so that the hanyou might not hear, but-
"THREE DAYS? YOU CAN'T BE GONE FOR THREE WHOLE FUCKING DAYS!"
"WHY NOT? I'VE SPENT TWO WEEKS HERE! I HAVE TO GO BACK HOME SOME TIME, INUYASHA! PEOPLE FROM MY TIME DON'T JUST DISAPEAR!"
"But what about the jewel shards? You haven't forgotten THEM have you? It's your fault that the jewel broke in the first place!"
That was crossing a line. I knew that it was entirely my fault. I knew that every time we passed a village that was torn apart by a demon with a jewel shard that it was because of me that those innocent lives had been taken. I knew that, had it been Kikyo instead of me that day, the jewel would still be intact and everyone's lives would be so much simpler. So why did he have to remind me?
"Oswari." I said, softly. I didn't want him to hear the waver in my voice.
I felt the ground shudder before me as Inuyasha's face made contact with the unforgiving dirt. I sprang forward and leapt into the well as quickly as I could, trying to keep him from smelling the inevitable tears that would fall at any moment.
I landed at the bottom of the well, tears already streaming from my eyes, and began to make my way up the latter that Jii-chan had placed there for me to get out.
I walked into the kitchen where Mama was cooking lunch and greeted her with a hug.
"Kagome-kun! Your Mama was so worried about you! I wish you would stop by more often to let me know your alri– Kagome what's wrong?" she said noticing my red eyes.
"Oh…its nothing Mama, I just landed wrong at the bottom of the well." I invented quickly.
"Oh my poor girl! Come and sit down and I'll get your some ice, is it your ankle?"
"Uh, yea…" I felt kind of guilty lying to her like that, but I didn't want her to ask questions about Inuyasha. She would say something along the lines of, 'Oh dear, he's just confused about his feelings! He'll come around just you wait! I can't wait to be a grandmother!' Her optimism would have made reality that much harder to grasp. I don't think I could have handled it.
I sat back on the couch with my "injured" ankle resting on top of a couple pillows and flipped through the channels of the television absently. Its funny, I used to spend so much time, watching this stupid thing, but now it doesn't interest me at all.
I sighed. If I'm going to spend time here, I should really be using it to catch up on school work. One look at my textbook told me I was further behind than I first thought. Damn Inuyasha. At least I could get Hojo to tutor me.
I pretended to limp up the stairs, saying I was tired and needed my bed. I collapsed on my bed, not even bothering to change out of my dirty clothes, and let sweet sleep claim me at last.
OoOoOoOoO
When I woke up I realized that I had forgotten to close the window before I fell asleep. Damn. If I wasn't careful, I would end up actually sick for once.
I groaned and forced myself up and attempted to make myself presentable for school. The result was a grubby middle school girl with bags under her eyes, frizzy hair, and ugly skinned up knees. It would have to do.
As expected, school was a nightmare. I didn't have a clue as to what was going on. I feverishly took notes in all my classes, trying desperately to catch up. I was writing said notes for my history class when my teacher approached me.
"Higurashi?"
I looked up and realized that the rest of the class had already been dismissed.
"Y-yes, Sir?
"Higurashi, I can tell that you are pushing yourself very hard in all your classes in order to catch up. But I'm afraid, that at this late in the semester, you may not be able to pass."
I felt the familiar lump rise in my throat, it seemed to be there a lot these days.
"I-I'm so sorry, Sensei! I'm working my hardest but its just so difficult and –"
"Calm down Higurashi, I know about your weak immune system, and I understand how hard it is to catch up when you are so sick. That is why I want you to seriously consider home-schooling, at least till you stop getting so sick all the time."
Homeschooling. That means even less time with my friends here.
"I'm not asking you to commit to it now, but I think it would be best for you. Especially if you don't want to take summer courses. Think about it, Kagome,'' he said as he left the room.
"Arigato," I could only whisper. I felt like such a failure. How could things have gotten to this point? I don't belong in the Sengoku Jidai, Inuyasha has made that perfectly clear, and now I hardly belong here anymore.
I couldn't hide the silent tears that fell as I left the building. What should I do? What could I do?
"Higurashi!"
I turned to see Hojo running up to me, his ever-present smile lighting up his features. And, while I thought he looked stupid, running through the courtyard waving his arms like that, I stopped and waited for him to catch up.
"Hello Hojo!" I said as cheerfully as I could. Too bad it came out sounding strained. Thankfully he didn't seem to notice.
"So have the doctors figured out what causes your frequent relapses yet?"
"Uh...n-no, not yet…"
"Oh that's too bad! Listen, Higurashi, I know you've only been back for a day, but I was wondering if maybe you and me could get together this Friday!"
"Really? Sounds great! Would you mind if it were at the library? I could really use the study help!"
He looked a bit disappointed, I guess he wanted to do something more exciting than school work, but he smiled and said, "Sure thing! Anything for you Higurashi!"
I felt a twinge of annoyance as he ran off, just as quickly as he came. I felt guilty too. Poor Hojo, I felt really bad about standing him up the last few times he asked me out. He was so sweet, even if he was a bit annoying at times.
I walked to Wacdonalds, hoping to see my friends there. They squealed with excitement when I walked through the doors and they immediately began to catch me up on the latest gossip. Who was now dating who, what couples broke up and why, the latest crushes of the lower classmen. Even about the Language teacher hooking up with the janitor. Kami, who knew this much could happen in two weeks?
I nodded and gasped at the right moments, truly trying to be interested in the world that consumed my friends.
As I listened to their chatter, I ate the slices of heaven that were french fries. Traveling around all the time with Inuyasha meant that I didn't always eat as much as I normally would of. We didn't always have money, so it was usually fish or my, as my friends called it, "ninja food", for dinner. Even then it was spread out so that everyone had enough to eat. And though I was never one to complain, it was nice to be able to eat my fill of something for a change.
I looked at one of the french fries and imagined it was Inuyasha. I crushed it between my fingers before drowning it in ketchup and shoving it in my mouth. I chewed it more than was necessary, and couldn't help but notice how good french-fry-Inuyasha tasted.
Whoa, backup. Erase. Never gonna happen Kagome.
"So, Kagome," my friend Eri started, bringing me back to reality. "Anything new with you and Hojo?"
My three friends stared at me. Kami, they were like vultures!
"Well…actually he's going to help me study on Friday – "
I was interrupted by squeals of excitement from my friends.
"Oh yay Kagome!" Yuka clapped her hands excitedly.
"Its about time! Looks like our Kagome is getting back into the swing of things!" Eri said, an approving look on her face.
Ayumi looked at me, her face kind of blank. "So how are things with that 'boyfriend' of yours?"
That shut my other two friends up.
"KAGOME! Don't tell me your still seeing that two-timing jack ass!" Yuka actually stood up from the table to glare at me.
"I...uh…well you see –" I began but I was cut off by Eri who actually grabbed my shoulders.
"KAGOMEEE! You have GOT to ditch him! We've all seen how sad he makes you! Why do you sit around and watch him chase after another woman? Stop chasing the bastard that can't make up his mind! Stick with Hojo! He's got great grades, he's polite, he's totally into you and he'd never hurt you!"
My friends all looked at me expectantly, and I could feel my eyes tearing up once again. Damn Inuyasha.
"You don't have to worry about him anymore. I never really had a chance to begin with." Now I was getting angry. "I'm going to go out with Hojo, and I'm going to have fun, dammit!" I slammed my fist onto the table, sending the fries to the floor. I looked down at the table and felt a single tear role down my check.
My friends looked at me, shocked at my sudden anger.
"Good for you, Kagome," Eri whispered.
"…Well, I've got to head home. I haven't even started on the math assignment yet. Good luck, Kagome," Yuka stood to leave.
I just nodded my head as she walked out the door, closely followed by Eri. I sat there in silence for a long time with Ayumi.
"You really love him, don't you Kagome?" I didn't have to ask to know that she wasn't talking about Hojo.
I slowly stood, hiding my eyes in my bangs. "It doesn't matter anymore."
I gave my friend and appreciative hug and left to go home. Of my three friends, Ayumi was the one I felt closest to. She always knew exactly how I was feeling, even if I didn't know myself. I was thankful to have her.
When I reached my house, I considered bringing up homeschooling with my mother. It would certainly make things a whole lot easier if I was homeschooled. I could even take a few lessons with me to the Sengoku Jidai whenever I traveled. It would be another big sacrifice towards the hanyou who didn't seem to care, but this whole mess was my fault and now it's my job to fix it.
So I will give up on trying to included, and I'll devote myself more to the task laid before us. I'll give up classes with friends, and lunches with Hojo to fix this wrong. But once its fixed, I'll have to come back. When the jewel is completed, Inuyasha won't try to stop me from going back, he won't have a reason too. I've got to keep some ties to this world of mine if I'm going to return to it fully one day.
I don't think I'll ask my mother yet. I want to enjoy the illusion of being included, for just a bit longer.
OoOoOoOoO
The next day was Friday, and I was trying my hardest to be excited about my date with Hojo. But for some reason I just didn't have the energy.
Classes seem to crawl along, and I couldn't wait for the day to be over.
I waited in the courtyard for Hojo so we could walk to the library together. I listened to his chatter as he gushed about this and that, not really paying attention to what he was saying.
I noticed a colorful window display and saw it was a toy store.
"Hey, Hojo, do you mind if I stop in here for a minute?" I said, stopping on the sidewalk.
He looked awkwardly at the store and gave me a funny look. "Um, sure Higurashi…"
"Thanks!" I said smiling and dashed into the store.
I quickly found the art supplies and picked the 64 box of crayons for my Shippou. I also saw a magic trick and couldn't resist. I paid for the toys at the counter and met an uncomfortable Hojo outside the store.
"Sorry, I promised a little boy I know that I'd bring him more crayons."
"Oh! That makes sense!" he said relieved.
I was kind of annoyed. So what? If I had gone in there to pick out a toy for myself would it really be THAT weird?
Wait a minute….
Yes. Yes it would.
When we got to the library, Hojo opened the door and walked through. I was expecting him to hold it open for me, since his hand was already on the door, so I received a surprise when the door hit me in the face.
"Oops! I'm so sorry, Higurashi!" Hojo cried franticly. "Oh, are you alright?"
"Just peachy," I said, trying not to sound bitter. "Really, Hojo. I'm okay.
He kept mumbling apologies and I turned to find a good table to work at.
"I don't get it."
"Well look at this then, Higurashi. To solve this equation, you have to plug the numbers into the equation X equals negative B, plus or minus radical B squared, minus 4 times A times C, then you divide the whole thing by 2 times A. You got that?
"Yeah, well THAT part makes sense, but the equation doesn't have a C in it! Plus the B is squared, and I'm pretty sure its not supposed to be."
"I'll show you what you have to do. You were right when you said that B shouldn't be squared. In order to make this equation right, you have to rearrange the equation so that it is in standard form."
"OOOOHHHH! But…I still don't get where the C is."
"Well in this case, C is just plus 0, since another number isn't defined."
"Oh. My. Kami. I understand! AH! Hojo you're a genius!"
I hugged him. I couldn't help it. This dang math assignment had been getting on my last nerve and now I finally understood!
"Come on Hojo, we're going to Wacdonalds, my treat!"
"Sounds great! I might as well teach you the next section while we're there. Its pretty much the same principle, but it can be really confusing sometimes!"
We got milkshakes from the counter and I listened to Hojo talk. I was actually, dare I say it? Enjoying myself! Hojo helped me with a bit more school work, and we talked a bit about teenager stuff. Music we liked, movies we hoped to see. Finally, I felt fully included!
"Well, Hojo, its getting late and I promised my Mama that I'd be home before dark."
"Yeah, I've got to head out too. See you later, alright Higurashi?"
"Sure thing Hojo!" I leaned up and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. It really had been a wonderful evening. For once, I wasn't worrying about my grades. For once I didn't have the worry of Naraku in the back of my mind. For once, in over a year, I was truly happy.
That is, until I heard a growl behind me.
"And just what in fucking HELL are you doing?"
I saw Hojo freeze as he looked over my shoulder.
There goes my happy evening.
I turned around to see Inuyasha, his red on red robe matching his face that was flushed with anger. Thankfully he had remembered the hat that hid his ears.
"You have got a lot of explaining to do, wench!"
"Uh-uh…w-who i-is th-that Ka-Ka-Kagome?" Hojo stammered
I glared daggers at Inuyasha but he just stood there growling.
"Oh, him? Well…you see…uh, he's an old friend, from out of town. Please forgive him, he can be kind of rude sometimes.
"Keh!" Inuyasha wouldn't take his eyes off of Hojo. I had to figure out something fast.
"Yep, he's been a close friend of my family for years. His family moved away a long time ago and they came back for a short visit. We've known each other forever and he's always looked out for me. Even when ITS NOT NEEDED." I said the last part while glaring at Inuyasha. He looked at me for a second before folding his arms and tucking one of each of his hands into his haori.
"Oh, w-well h-how nice of h-him!" Hojo stammered, clearly still terrified. "But I must be off!" He turned and practically ran in the opposite direction. I watched him as he left, anger boiling just beneath the surface.
"Now you listen to me, bitch," my anger spiked at the term he used but still I stared after Hojo.
"Naraku is still out there, in case you haven't forgotten! He's collecting the jewel shards and he's almost got the whole damn jewel. We have to get as many of the shards as we can before Naraku does, and even if you ARE as stupid as you look, you'll know that we can't find any damn shards here! I'm tired of you running here every five minutes, and if your not here for those damned 'tests' then you shouldn't be wasting time here at all! What the hell where you doing with that guy anyway? He looks like a loser, and he ran away to save his own neck. Why is it your always surrounding yourself with fags like wolf-shit and Hobo? Do you like looking like a whore? We don't have time to keep stopping because you like throwing yourself at every damned male we come across. Why don't you just give up and come back so we can finish this damned thing."
I didn't look at him. I couldn't look at him. I thought if I did, I just might loose control.
But you know what?
I don't give a shit.
"Who the HELL do you think you are? You can't control me, Inuyasha! There are other people in this world besides YOU! Do you know what I've DONE for you? What I've given up, FOR YOU? WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER? Its not like you GIVE A SHIT! I had a LIFE here, Inuyasha! But you know what? I gave it up, to be your fucking 'shard detector'! I had FRIENDS here! I don't even know them anymore! You know why? Because I'm always following you around, putting up with your shit!
"And don't you DARE suggest that I'm not committed to destroying Naraku! I've seen the pain and suffering he causes people just as much as you have! I'm doing the best I can to make sure that BASTARD gets what he deserves! I want him gone just as much as you do Inuyasha!"
Things were pouring out of my mouth. Things that were more feelings that actual processed thought. But damn, did it feel good. No way in hell was I going to stop now.
"And when have I EVER 'thrown' myself at KOUGA? In case you don't remember, he KIDNAPPED me!"
Inuyasha rallied my attacks by screaming in my face. "COURSE I REMEMBER, BITCH! ITS NOT LIKE YOU WERE COMPLAINING! I SAY YOU ACUALLY LIKE HAVING HIM FOLLOW YOU AROUND!"
"OF COURSE I DON'T! DON'T YOU GET IT? I COULD NEVER LOVE KOUGA! I COULD NEVER LOVE HOJO! I CAN'T EVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE EVER AGAIN!"
My eyes were burning. Tears ran down my cheeks. My head was telling me to stop, to say the magic word and leave him in the dirt. But it was far too late. My heart had dominated me and wouldn't let go until it did what it needed to do.
"YOU!" I screamed jabbed a finger into his chest. "ITS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!
DAMNIT INUYASHA I LOVE YOU! AND…AND YOU KNOW IT! YOU'VE KNOWN IT THE WHOLE DAMN TIME! THAT I WORRY ABOUT YOU CONSTANTLY. THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE FRONT OF MY MIND.
My voice was starting to crack. Tears fell so fast that I couldn't even see. I knew I would regret this, but it felt good to lift the weight off my heart, even if it would just be heavier when I picked it back up.
"But you don't care. You play around with me and make me feel as though you love me too. You act sweet to me and tell me you'll protect me, and then you turn around and injure me worse than any demon ever could."
I pushed past him. I couldn't take it. I had to get away from him before I collapsed.
"Wait – "
I felt anger course through me again.
"Wait for WHAT, Inuyasha? What do you want me to do? Sit tight in a little hut, never leaving, never finding someone to try to heal the pain in my heart?"
I laughed at myself.
"Ha! As if I ever could! Even if you didn't threaten everyone who shows an interest in me, I could never love anyone the way I do you."
His face was blank, like he didn't even care.
"You selfish JERK. You put me up on a shelf and decided you'll get me down if it's convenient for you. And because I'm too blinded by love, I can't get myself down. I'm just sitting there, waiting and hoping that you'll need me. And all the while, you're off with Kikyo, loving her and caring, for her while I'm put away as a last resort.
"If you can leave me, its fine! It really is. As long as your happy that's what I want. I promised I would stand by you, and I don't break my promises. I'll stand by you until you tell me to leave. I won't interfere with you and Kikyo anymore. But please. If you ever cared about me, even if it was just for a second. Be happy with Kikyo and live the life you should have lived 50 years ago. But please, don't make me stick around to watch."
I ran down the empty streets of Tokyo, hardly able to see where I was going. I wanted to go to the shrine, but that's where Inuyasha would look for me first.
Ha! As if he would come after me.
Still, I want to get back to finding the jewel shards as quickly as possible. I promised to stay by him, and I will. But I want to finish this before he hurts me anymore.
I return to my house to find my family already asleep. I leave a note for Mama before grabbing my bag and heading towards the well.
I stood at the edge and looked down into the depths. It was dark and scary in the well house without the sun.
My heart hurt so much. Why did I have to say those things to Inuyasha?
Oh, who am I kidding? I know why. I wanted him to understand the pain I was feeling, I wanted him to come after me and tell me the things I said weren't true. I'm such a fool. A tiny part inside me had still held hope, and only now did I realize that it was that tiny piece of hope that kept me from breaking down.
But that hope wasn't there now.
I broke down right there on the ground in front of the well. The pain of it all was too much. Memories flashed through my head.
The first time I saw him. Pinned to the tree. He looked so calm and sweet then.
Fighting Yuka the hair demon, and he lent me his fire rat armor, even after he was hurt.
Him promising me to protect me as we stood on the grave of his father.
It was then. That was the moment I realized my true feelings for Inuyasha. I had felt it since the moment we had met, but when he swore to protect me, I realized what the strange feeling was.
Other memories played through my mind, like a movie I've watched millions of times before.
Him, staring at me as he leaned closer. But I couldn't help the feeling he wasn't looking at me, so I pushed him away.
When Kikyo was first reborn. The look on his face as he saw his lost love. The longing in his eyes.
Kikyo and Inuyasha together, with me invisible and bound to a tree. Inuyasha confessing his deep love to Kikyo. Inuyasha…kissing Kikyo.
That was the moment my hopes crashed down around me. I should have realized then, I was never anything more than a tool to get Naraku. How I wished that I had tried to move on then, while my love for the brash hanyou could still be passed off as a teenagers crush. But being the damn fool I was, I let myself fall harder and harder for him with every passing day.
I couldn't stay here. Inuyasha would have to come here to get back. I didn't want to face him right now. I knew I would have to soon, but I wanted to delay our meeting as long as I could.
I would leave early in the morning. It would be Saturday, so my family should sleep in. I just left the note I had written earlier where it was.
I fell on my bed and did nothing to stop the tears from flowing. I wanted to get them all out before I saw him again. I didn't want him to know how much he effected me. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction.
I tried to think of the other people that I had come to know and love. I listed them, in my head. The people who mattered most to me. The people that I would die for, the people that I would never forget, even years after I leave the Sengoku Jidai forever. Sango, Miroku, Shippou, Kaede…
Inuyasha.
Inuyasha. Inuyasha. Inuyasha.
I won't ever forget Inuyasha.
OoOoOoOoO
I could tell I was dreaming.
It was one of those dreams where you're aware that its not real, so you decide to stick it out and see what happens.
But not this one, I wanted out, and I wanted out now.
Everywhere I looked, I saw the face of the man that I loved. If I closed my eyes or turned away, he was there again. He looked at me, each time with a different emotion.
The first face was indifference. I didn't matter to him at all. The jewel was almost complete and I was just an annoyance.
The second face was anger. He was angry at me for breaking the jewel. For wasting his time with the impossible task of finding each shard.
Then it was hatred. The kind of hatred that only comes one in a lifetime. I had never before seen that look on his handsome face. Not even while battling Sesshomaru or Naraku. He hated me. He hated the control I had over him. He hated that I was incompetent in battle. He hated that I was in the way of him and Kikyo.
Blackness clouded my heart. I couldn't turn away from that face.
I was going to be sick.
I deserved it. I deserved the hatred that his eyes sent towards me. More faces appeared from the darkness. The faces of those who had died because of the Shikon no Tama. The faces of those that were dead because of me.
I was drowning in a sea of their hatred. I called out for help, but none came. I didn't deserve help.
OoOoOoOoOoO
I woke with tears blurring my vision. And even though I couldn't see my room, I could still see his face clearly.
I wanted to die.
I wanted to be cast into the darkness, to know and feel nothing.
But that would be too kind of a punishment for me.
Now I had to put on a brave face, and push on until I had rectified the crimes I had committed. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I could not permit myself to cry any longer. If I let myself be weak like that, I might shatter before my work is finished.
But once it is over, once Naraku is dead and the jewel is completed, I will shatter. Death will finally have pity on me and will welcome me into its arms. How I long for that day.
The wounds in my heart are too deep. They can never be healed.
I was a fool to think that they could.
I walked towards the well, my face set. I must be strong.
I lowered myself into the well, being careful so I wouldn't snag my bag on the edge of the wood. The blue light that surrounded me, the light that usually made the corners of my mouth turn to a smile, had no effect on me today.
As I pulled myself out from the well, I breathed I sigh of relief. Inuyasha wasn't there.
It seemed fate was giving me a break today.
As I walked towards the village, I saw Shippou running towards me.
"KAGOME! I'm so glad your back! Huh? What's wrong Kagome?"
I forced a smile to my face.
"Nothing, Shippou-chan! Look, I brought you something!" I said pulling out the crayons and the magic trick.
"Ah! Arigato!" He said happily, taking his new things and running off.
How I wished I could be as innocent as that.
When I reached the village, I noticed that Inuyasha wasn't there.
"Miroku, Sango, where is Inuyasha?" I asked my friends.
"Kagome-chan! I'm not sure, I thought he went back to the modern era to get you." Sango looked at me confused.
"Well he'd better come back soon," I said turning away. "We should be off looking for more shards."
I caught the surprised looks of Miroku's and Sango's faces before I headed towards Kaede's hut.
"Kaede-sama, I was wondering if you could teach me while we wait for Inuyasha."
"Teach ye what, child?"
"Anything. Anything that might help in the battle against Naraku."
"Is there a reason for your sudden determination?"
What could I say to that? 'Yes. My heart is broken and the reason you all are in this mess is because of me and I don't want to be dead weight anymore. So teach me so we can get this over with and you can be rid of me for good!'
"I…I just want to be prepared."
She looked at me with pity in her eyes. I wished she would stop. I didn't deserve her pity.
"Very well then, child. I shall teach ye how to get the most out of your arrows."
We went to the back of her hut and I held my bow and arrows.
"Now then. When ye shoot a sacred arrow, it shines with a pure light. When it hits its target, the light purifies the object of which it hits. However, the strength of the arrow and the effect it has on its target is entirely dependant on the heart of the one who shoots it. In order to have a big impact of your target, ye must be pure of heart. Ye must give up selfish notions and fill your heart with purity. Do this, child, and not only will your arrow never miss its mark, but it will never fail to destroy the evil it goes against."
"How? How do I make my heart completely pure?"
"That, I'm afraid is something you have to figure out for yourself."
What? How am I supposed to figure that out! Kami, how could this get more difficult?
"Miroku! Where is Kagome?"
I just had to ask, didn't I?
Inuyasha had come back, and he was right around the corner.
"Inuyasha, did something happen between you and Kagome-sama? When she returned without you we thought –"
"Don't play with me, monk! Where the hell is she?"
I gathered up my courage and walked around Kaede's hut. There he was, holding Miroku by his robes.
"Come on, we need to go look for more shards. We've wasted enough time here." I didn't look directly at him. I didn't want to see the face that haunted my nightmares.
I turned and called, "Shippou, Sango, gather anything you need quickly. We are setting off."
I went inside Kaede's hut and grabbed my yellow bag. I gave my thanks to Kaede and began down the road, not even bothering to see if anyone else was following.
"K-Kagome?"
I didn't answer him, I kept my eyes on the road ahead.
"Kagome!"
His voice was angry.
I kept walking. Why won't he just drop it?
Before I knew it he was right in front of me. I stopped, my eyes locked on my feet, and waited for him to speak.
"Dammit Kagome, look at me!"
Be strong. Be strong. Be strong.
"Please, Inuyasha. Lets just go."
"Not until you listen."
"I'm listening now, aren't I?"
"In private." He growled.
I turned on my heel, never taking my eyes off the ground, and walked into the forest. I kept walking until I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Kagome…"
I stayed still.
"Kagome!"
He spun me around to face him and forced my chin up. I had my eyes squeezed shut. I could feel the tears waiting behind my eyes. I couldn't look at him and keep in control. I had to stay strong.
"Kagome! Look at me!"
A single traitorous tear escaped my eye and ran down my cheek. Damn.
What he did next forced my eyes open.
My eyes shot open in surprise when I felt his hot lips crashing down on mine.
I looked at his face, and though his eyes were closed, I could see the emotion he was feeling, etched in every line of his perfect face.
Pain. He was feeling pain. Not hatred, not anger, not even indifference or disgust. He was feeling pain.
He held me close, so that even if I tried to push him off I couldn't. But I didn't try. I pressed my lips back. He wasn't invasive. His kiss was strong and gentle, but made my lips burn with passion.
I let my arms wrap themselves around his neck, pulling me impossibly closer. How I had wanted this. How I had craved it. How I had needed it. How I had thought I'd never reach it. And yet here I was, with the man I loved.
He broke the kiss and pulled me into an embrace.
"I love you, Kagome." He whispered softly in my ear. "I always have. And I'm sorry, so sorry. I…I didn't know the pain I was putting you through. I just never thought…I wanted to keep you safe and happy, and I didn't think that you'd be happy with me. But then, every time I saw you with someone else…" His hands closed tighter around me. "…I…I just couldn't stand it!"
I wanted to believe what he said. My heart was hurting from the longing to believe. But my head was reminding me of the pain I already had to bear. This would just add more.
"Kagome, please trust me!"
"…I trust you, Inuyasha. I trust you to protect me from getting hurt, but…I don't trust you with my heart."
I tried to pull away, I had to get away before I gave in to my heart's desires. But with a growl he held me tighter and said, "Then I'll prove that you can trust me."
I felt something wet hit my back. I pushed back enough to where we were looking at each other in the eyes.
He was crying. Actually crying. I felt tears of my own spill over the edges. He meant it! Every word he said! But…
"But…what about Kikyo? You love her."
"Kikyo…" he whispered. He was going to choose her over me. Right now.
"The Kikyo I knew has been dead for 50 years. Now she's just an imitation, a copy of what she once was. Besides, what I felt for Kikyo was nothing like what I feel for you now. You've trusted me, since the beginning. And it didn't make sense to me. It still doesn't really. All I know for sure is that I need you. I need to have you with me, always. It hurts when you're far away. Whether you love me or not, I couldn't stand it if you left me. I love you."
"You…you love me? But how can you? I've caused so many problems! Its my fault the jewel came back, it's my fault the the jewel was broken and scattered! It's my fault that so many innocent people are dead!"
I was crying even harder now.
His arms wrapped tighter around me, drawing me into his chest. It was warm there and I felt safe. I felt as though I belonged there.
"None of its your fault Kagome. The jewel would have come back, one way or another. This is all Naraku's fault, and you're an idiot if you don't think so. You're the one that saved so many people. You saved us all, Shippou, Sango, Miroku, and especially me. There ain't nothin' for you to feel guilty about."
Is this how he really felt? He was being so sincere, was this really Inuyasha?
"Dammit, bitch! How come you still don't believe me? You baka!"
Yep. It was really him.
Before I knew it, I had pulled myself up to kiss him. I regretted it at once and started to pull back, but was stopped when he gave a low growl in his throat and pulled me closer.
It warmed my heart and touched my soul. Everything else seemed to disappear from my mind as our lips met and our hearts became one.
We kissed like that forever, and when we finally broke apart, the stars were shining above us and fireflies danced around us.
"Arigato, Inuyasha. I love you." There were no more tears in my eyes.
"I love you, my Kagome."
He loved me. He really loved me! The wounds in my heart that I had thought were too deep to ever be healed were as good as gone. And it was all thanks to a guy I met pinned to a tree.
I knew what Kaede had been talking about earlier. I knew how to fill my heart with purity now. There is only one thing in this world that is truly pure, and that is love. Love, the kind where nothing else matters and you would give anything for it. And with the love of a hanyou filling my heart, well…
…That's just as pure as its ever going to get.
A/N Yes that's the end. Make sure to subscribe, though. I'm working on another chapter that is going to be from Inuyasha's POV. I hope you enjoyed the story!
It would mean a lot if you left me a review! Even a small one…pretty please?
Until later!
~Lions Heart (ROAR! ^-^)
