Disclaimer: Yeah, this was originally broken up over our last story in the Adventures of Pimp Voldemort, but we felt as though it should be moved into our Clarence Clearwater Docs =^.^= Read and Review and all that jazz. And as before, we own nothing *cries*

We bring ourselves to view the Snape in his natural habitat, watch, as he stalks his prey, the young and naïve first year. See how he jumps from the shadows and ambushes his prey; their tears of anguish sustain him. Oh no, he's caught sight of us!

"Who the hell are you and why the hell are you following me?"

Oh dear, he sounds quite angry at us for invading his territory, we should back away before we anger him further, provoking him to defend his turf.

"I'm not a damn animal! Quit making me sound like one!"

Oh my, he's quite temperamental, it must be close to his mating season, causing him to become more aggressive as to ward off other male rivals seeking the females in his territory. Watch, as he pulls his lips back and snarls at us, in a clear display of intimidation and dominance.

"What I do in my private quarters during mating season…what the hell, I don't have a mating season… I'm not a damn animal! I'm leaving before you give me more reason to kill you." Snape growled as he stalked down the hall.

Now watch as he retreats to his shelter. Oh my, what have we here? A rare sight indeed, we are seeing a pack of female Hogwarts students following him, rather aggressively. Good heavens, those aren't students, those are…no, those are, those are, Fan Girls! They must have been drawn to him from his mating musk.

Oh, dear, this seems to be getting rather serious, they are mauling him, and, he seems to be overwhelmed. Oh, dear, they've over taken him and are taking him to what seems to be a broom closet, their lair. Who knows what horrors await the Snape who is most likely being ravaged by lust driven females, in heat.

Nine Hours Later…

We have been awaiting for the Snape to emerge form the lair of the females in heat. It seems very unlikely that after nine hours he will be able to walk. But wait! He just emerged from the broom closet, what vitality! He will surely bear strong offspring by one of these females at least, hopefully more for it seems as though the Snape is a very strong species.

But as he approaches, I can see that he seems to be…traumatized. What horrors he has gone through to produce potential offspring, much like the male praying mantis. We will now leave the Snape to tend to his wounds in peace. This documentary was brought to you by Clarence Clearwater.

"What the hell, you knew I was being raped and yet you didn't get help! What is wrong with you? While I'm not complaining that those were the worst hours of my life, they certainly weren't necessary!" Snape ran into his private rooms, slamming the door.

Welcome back to the second installment of the Snape Documentary from the feeding grounds, where mating season has come to a close and the males can be seen roaming their turf in peace.

"You again, why can't you just leave me the hell alone?"

Uh oh, it seems that he has spotted us again, we shall have to resume filming at a further distance, as to not disturb him.

"Like hell you will, get that damn camera away from me before I break it and your face, can't you just let me eat my breakfast in peace?"

It seems that the male Snape is quite protective of his food, and like all males, is not willing to share. Oh my, here comes another male, quite older than the Snape, let's see how they interact with each other.

"Dumbledore, why is this ignorant buffoon following me around, and further more, how the hell did he get into the castle in the first place?"

"Why I let him in of course! I thought that it would be something fun and exciting for the castle; he's going to do documentaries on us all! Doesn't that sound fun!?"

It seems that the other male is the Alpha of the pack; therefore he is the one who makes the decisions. But, the Snape does not sound pleased with this decision, and may try to over throw the current alpha male, for he is younger and more virile than the elder.

"You know, even though I am not an animal, and I hate you…that is a very good idea."

Good heavens, it seems that the Snape has shed his winter coat and has grown a new white one, much like a Roman toga, and has picked up what seems to be a glowing stick in which to channel his rage towards the Dumbledore.

"Metamorphere in Dumbledorem!"

It seems that the Snape has just uttered his battle cry, this challenging the Alpha male to a fight. And oh my, it seems to have an immediate effect on the other male, who has just been turned into a bumblebee.

"Boo!"

The Snape seems to have transformed the other male into a Boo Bee! We best leave to let the new Alpha adjust to his position of power. Signing off, this is Clarence Clearwater.

And we're back with the final installment of the Snape Documentary. Here we can watch as he bathes himself to keep his coat clean to impress the females of Hogwarts.

"What the hell?! How did you get in here? Who gave you the password?"

Uh oh, he seems to have seen us once more, quiet a clever creature the Snape, isn't he?

"I'm not an animal, this has got to be illegal, come on!"

He seems to be enraged by our presence; we'll have to tranquilize him in order to get close enough to tag him for later research.

"Why do you have a gun, what are those? Are those tranquilizer darts?! Jesus tap-dancing Christ, get away from me you mad man! I'm not an animal, I'm a…"

And with that final cry, our subject falls to the floor unconscious, in a blissful state of sleep. Now, we can place this tag on his ear, cleverly disguised as an earring, so we can track him for later research. This has been Clarence Clearwater, thank you for watching.