DISCLAIMER: Character genius belongs to Dick Wolf. Song genius belongs to the amazingly wonderful Sara Bareilles.
Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
It was quiet in the car. Normally she hated silence, found it to be oppressive, unnerving. But she welcomed this noiselessness. It was oddly comforting. Maybe it was because she knew what was coming, she knew this was the last quiet she'd ever enjoy. From this moment on, the silence would kill her, would force her to relive the memory she was about to create.
She opened the door and stepped out, closing it behind her. The mid-September air was perfect, the chill suggested fall had almost arrived.
The porch that greeted her as she began to make her way up the sidewalk was warm and inviting, familiar like an old family home. Which it was. Just not her family.
It took her a long time to realize that he wasn't her family, he was someone else's. She had tried to convince herself for many years that her colleagues were her family. But they weren't. They were co-workers. And they all went home to their own lives after work while she stayed stagnant, unmoving, alone.
The door to the house opened and she stopped cold. He was dressed in a gray t-shirt and sweatpants. Perfection. Wordlessly, he stepped out onto the porch. This was it.
She stepped forward.
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
She watched his eyes dart behind her, to the boxes and suitcases that she'd loaded into her car earlier this evening. And by earlier this evening, she meant midnight. His brow furrowed as he watched her approach.
She took in the sight of him. He didn't even look like he'd been sleeping. In their line of work, sleepless nights weren't uncommon. She fought a smile and looked at the sidewalk, brushing behind her ear a piece of hair that had strayed from her ponytail. A smile would have betrayed her happiness at seeing him. She tried so hard to never let him see how much he meant to her. That was why she was leaving. Leaving New York, leaving SVU, leaving… him.
She didn't stop walking until she reached the bottom porch step. Elliot stood silently above her, arms crossed against the chill in the air. She looked up at him and gently brushed her hair out of her eyes, slipping her hands into her back pockets.
"Hey," he said softly. His family was sleeping behind him in the home he'd created, and she could tell he didn't want to wake anyone up.
"Hey," she replied, casting her eyes downward, staring at her shoes on the sidewalk. This was not off to a good start.
"Something you want to tell me?" he asked.
She fought the tears that threatened to smash her resolve to bits. She chewed her lip and absently tucked another stray piece of ponytail behind her ear.
"I'm leaving," she said, finally looking up into his eyes. As she did so, a single tear slipped down her cheek.
Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore
He nodded slowly. "Should I even ask why?" She hesitated, sensing that this was rhetorical question and that he wasn't done speaking. She was right. "I mean, would you even tell me if I asked?"
She looked up at him then. She was leaving. She had nothing to lose. Nothing to lose but her heart. She'd decided that she would give her heart to him if he asked for it. She would do that and then she would leave it with him. She whispered then, maintaining eye contact and her control. "If you asked me, I would tell you."
He came down the steps then to meet her. He didn't touch her. He just looked at her. "Why?" he asked. "Why are you doing this?"
It was time. It was time to tell him the secret she'd kept for so long, the secret she was fairly certain he'd known for many years. But she had to say the words. "Because," she paused again and bit the inside of her cheek. She wouldn't look away; she needed to see his face as she said the words. Say it, dammit, she thought. Tell him. "Because… I love you." She breathed, feeling a burden lift from her shoulders
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
"Liv…" he breathed.
"I know, El," she said. "There's nothing you need to do or to say. I just needed to tell you."
He stood before her, speechless, just looking at her steadily. She wanted to turn, but she couldn't make her feet move. She was rooted to the spot beside Elliot. She'd known this would be difficult, but she hadn't anticipated the attachment to him that had physically manifested itself in her.
"I… I can't," he stuttered, unable to form a complete sentence.
Olivia nodded as he confirmed what she'd known all along. Finally, despite their heaviness, her feet begin to lift from their ground of their own accord, carrying her away from him. She couldn't be here anymore; she couldn't be next to him, unable to breathe, unable to stop the pain.
"I know you can't," she said, stepping backwards toward the car. "I know. And that's why I'm going."
The two steps she took first were the most difficult, since her feet felt as thought they were filled with lead. But she managed to turn her back to him and after that, it got easier. When she couldn't see him, when she couldn't see those fierce blue eyes filled with complete understanding of who she was… it was far easier to think clearly, to not be overwhelmed with love for him.
She thought for a moment that she was home free, that he wasn't going to come after her.
She was wrong.
"Olivia," he said. "Liv, wait."
She heard his sneakered feet on the sidewalk behind her, she felt his hand on her wrist, stopping her momentum and pulling her back toward him. She stumbled then and steadied herself against him. It took her a moment to register their closeness and once she did, it was all she could think of. She could smell him, feel his breath on her cheek, feel his eyes set firmly on her face. She couldn't look at him and instead focused her eyes on her hands, placed delicately on his chest.
He didn't let her go. In fact, he did just the opposite: he pulled her closer. He didn't wrap his arms around her, instead choosing to keep his hands on her toned triceps, pressing his chest lightly to hers and swiping his cheek against hers.
"Don't go," he whispered, his sweet breath against her ear. "Please."
She almost cried out then, the closeness overwhelming her senses and diminishing her resolve. "Elliot…" she couldn't raise her voice above an aching whisper.
It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?
"Please, Olivia," he whispered against her neck, running his hands up her arms to her shoulders, to the skin of her neck. "Please."
She breathed him in deeply and then, mustering all the strength she could, lightly pushed him away. "I have to." She finally met his eyes, his beautiful eyes. "I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?" he asked her, stepping toward her, trying to close the gap she'd put between them.
"This," she gestured with her hand to the two of them. "You. And me. I just… can't."
"Olivia," he said. "There is no 'you and me.' There never has been."
Of course there wasn't. She'd been a fool to think that he'd returned her feelings in the slightest. She bit her lip and looked at her shoes, stray tears slipping down her cheeks. Damn those tears.
"Please," he said, finally closing the distance and cupping her cheeks in his hands. He lifted her eyes to meet his. "Please let me explain."
She waited in silence. She'd said her piece, it was only right to let him say his. She tried not to think of how close he was to her, how easy it would be to brush her lips against his. She closed her eyes, thinking it would perhaps make it easier to bear.
"I love you," he whispered. Her eyes shot open and found his immediately. She hadn't expected those words to come from his mouth. She somehow managed to maintain her silence and waited for him to continue. He smiled at her. "I love you," he said again. "And just because there has been no "you and me" doesn't mean I didn't want there to be. But…" he paused, his eyes quickly darting over his shoulder, to the house behind him.
Olivia nodded, understanding what he meant. "Your children. Your wife."
She'd never hated that word more. She'd never envied anymore more than she'd envied Kathy Stabler.
"Olivia…" he whispered. "Please stay."
She looked into his eyes and once again, felt her resolve begin to wane. Her eyes darted to the house behind them. The windows were dark, his children were fast asleep, the life he'd built was awaiting his return. She smiled softly and leaned up to kiss him. Her mouth brushed against his and she felt his strong lips mold to hers. His hands moved to tangle in her hair and she ran her tongue along his lower lip, opening her mouth and sighing softly as his tongue slid against hers.
She pulled away and placed one more chaste kiss against his mouth. She found his eyes, which were smiling into hers, and he brushed a tear from her cheek. "It'll be okay, Liv. We'll be okay."
She nodded and took a step back, keeping hold of his hand for a moment before letting it slip from her own. "I have to go, Elliot. It's a long drive to L.A."
His smile faded. He said nothing this time. He just let her walk to her car and climb inside. She couldn't look at him, couldn't take the sight of him, this man she loved. She turned the ignition and shifted the car into drive. Slowly, she pressed her foot into the gas pedal.
Don't look back, she thought. Don't look back.
Her eyes involuntarily flicked to the rearview mirror, finding Elliot standing in the same spot she'd left him, the glow from his porch lighting him like the angel she knew he was. She chuckled at this thought. A saint, no. An angel, yes. Her angel.
She felt a deep pull in her chest as the car turned off his block. She couldn't help the silent tears that slipped down her cheeks. Not this time.
She just let them fall. For her partner, her best friend; for the times he'd saved her life; for the times she'd saved his; for the life she was leaving behind; for the Elliot-shaped hole that was forming in her heart.
Most of all, she wept for the fact that she could feel herself begin to breathe again.
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
This was going to be a one-shot. What do you think? Leave it as a one-shot? Continue? Please R/R! It means more than words can say!
