Okay so I did this story at like two in the morning and I was too tired to really do a good thorough proof check. i don't think there is many mistakes but please correct me if you find any and I will change it Tomorrow. Love you all. Chow.
Merlin's knuckles were turning white around the stone wall in front of him and his chest seemed heavier with each breath. He inhaled deeply trying to prepare himself for what was about to happen, what had to happen. He closed his eyes, the image of Camelot's lower city engraved behind his eyes.
He felt him rather then saw him approach, Merlin opened his eyes looking down at the reconstruction of Camelot's market. Arthur's presence was always sensed, Merlin's magic and soul reaching out in welcome and twitching back in pain. Arthur leaned against the wall, his hands fidgeting in front of him, a rare glimpse of nervousness. Silence spread out between them, a rift more than just friendship, more than just physical, they both knew they were changed irreversibly and now eternally doomed in their relationship.
Arthur sighed finally and said quietly, "You don't have to do this. It...it can still be the way it was." Merlin smiled wobbly, he couldn't hold back the choke of a sob. Arthur was fooling himself, and for the past two years Merlin had gone along with it. Hell for the past five years, since the day they met, Merlin had followed Arthur, his prince, his best friend, his love. And it came down to this.
Merlin remembered the first time they kissed. It felt like such a long time ago, back when Arthur had been a prince and Merlin just an everyday servant in Arthur's eyes, a terrible one too. Arthur had slain a unicorn and had to past the test of the poisoned chalice, he had stolen Merlin's cup and Merlin thought that he had lost Arthur, until he found out it was just a sleeping draft. It had been horrible and then once Arthur woke up Merlin still had the words of the keeper in his mind, 'He has shown what lays in his heart.' Merlin couldn't help what he did and was surprised, relieved and ecstatic when Arthur responded to his kiss.
They hadn't spoken about it for months until suddenly one morning Arthur backed him up against a wall in his chambers and thank god they kissing again. Merlin took another deep breath at the memory, smiled as he remembered their naivety, as they slowly progressed to lovers. Their relationship has always been complex, changing as they felt more for each other, Arthur had always pushed him away, interrupting their time together with comments like, "I'm a prince Merlin," and "I will need an heir one day." Merlin never forget, he just wanted to.
Then Gwen entered their relationship and Merlin had bit his tongue at the knowledge of them together. Arthur and Merlin knew Gwen loved Lancelot more, they both knew Arthur loved him more. It was why now, even married and the threat of Morgana and Mordred now defeated, Camelot rebuilding and becoming even stronger since the war ended, Arthur proposed letting this sham of love continue. He made a well sounded argument too. Arthur needed Merlin to help bridge the gap between the magical laws and Camelot's traditional ones, people from both sides trusted Merlin's leadership, Arthur needed Merlin to advise him on issues concerning magic and the Old religion. Point was Arthur needed Merlin.
Merlin remembered the last time they had made love. It had been two months ago. Morgana had massed an army of druids and sorcerers more powerful than Merlin had yet to face. It finally seemed like the end of Camelot and Arthur had come to him that night for brainstorming. Merlin's rooms were large now, full of magical books and shelves of potions that Arthur always fiddled with. Arthur had never been angry at Merlin for his magic, only that he hid it for so long, and the fact that Arthur had only found out after a particular stunning orgasm from said prince made the situation both awkward and light hearted. Arthur had eventually shook his head, flopped back down onto the bed and grinned that grin only for Merlin asked, "Think I could make you do that again?"
They spent hours sitting at the table sipping wine and staring into the fire, finally Merlin snapped his head up remembering an ancient battle attack he read about, it was old not used for many centuries. Arthur didn't like it much he could tell as he explained where to place the men, but it was unexpected and perhaps with luck they could pull it off. It was long past time Arthur returned to his chambers but still he sat in silence starring at the diagrams of battle plans. His eyes looked up at Merlin, so intense that Merlin knew immediately this was what drew Arthur to his rooms. Merlin could never help himself when it came to his King. He gave in.
They had crashed on Merlin's bed, naked and fierce in their passion. Merlin moaned at the feel of Arthur's skin beneath his hands, tracing the old scars on his body. Merlin had long ago memorized everything about Arthur, his moods, his expressions and most of all his body. He knew how to draw out a smile, a laugh, a moan and even could make Arthur cry out lost in him. Lost to this love that was more than everything. Arthur moved inside him slowly, prolonging the torture and pleasure anyway he could. And Arthur had that night allowed Merlin to position himself on top, allowed Merlin to move as deep as he could inside him until Arthur was shaking, grabbing at Merlin so hard it would bruise, until out of control and furious they came together in body and soul, as if both knew this was the final time, the last of them. They had fallen asleep intertwined, and Merlin's last thought were warm and pleasant. Arthur hadn't smelled of Guinevere for the first time in a year, Merlin could pretend his King was just his.
"Merlin?" Arthur drew him out of his own thoughts, his hand warm, large and familiar curling around Merlin's. Merlin finally turned to Arthur. Blue eyes locking on blue and Merlin's heart clenched. God he loved Arthur, so much it was painful knowing what he had to do. His heart rejected the very idea. But he knew he was changing. Camelot was changing. Everyday he looked up at the high table to stare at Gwen, one of his oldest friends and all he felt was jealously and hate. It was becoming harder to hide it and he knew Gwen knew, their friendship had dissolved as she became Queen. She was the perfect image of one, the people loved her but Merlin could only fake so many smiles and she now only spoke politely to him and only in court, otherwise they were silent. Her eyes held all the apologies and guilt a person could hold and it made him feel ashamed also. It was too much.
He didn't want to turn into a creature of hatred and rage. He had seen to many people destroyed over those emotions. Merlin squared his shoulders feeling them hold the weight of the world, squeezing Arthur's hand he said what he had been dreading and putting off for years. "I love you Arthur, forever but you know this can't go on. It should have ended a long time ago. I have to leave now." The last part he choked out as Arthur's eyes filled with despair, panic and fear. He was already shaking his head but Merlin stopped him cupping Arthur's face in his hands. "Merlin..." He cut him off by slowly kissing him. Arthur tensed at first. They were outside on the wall, in plain view of everyone in the city. They both knew they were being watched but then Arthur realized this was it, it, the end. He held on to Merlin more tightly than he ever had, deepening the kiss, clutching on trying to silently convince them both that this was not it. Not yet, not now. Not ever.
Merlin was pulling away and it felt so difficult that both their heats were hammering in fear. When Merlin finally stepped out of Arthur's embrace there were tears streaming down his face and with the most amount of will power he never knew he had, Merlin turned away from Arthur's pleading expression, and walked down the stairs to the gardens and to Kilgharrah. He collapsed onto the dragon's back and sobbed. The dragon for once didn't need an order. He spread his wings and flew, silent into the bright blue sky.
Arthur had collapsed also, but on the exact spot he had held Merlin that last time. He sat there, numb to the core, half of himself dead and never to revive. He cried silently, and didn't move, not when his knights had worriedly tried to move him, not when Lancelot hugged him brotherly. Not even when his wife, her eyes knowing, had knelled beside him and kissed his check and pleaded for him to come inside. It was now night, Arthur hadn't been aware of time passing. Then she was gone, pressed back into the castle by his knights. Had he ordered them to take her? He wasn't sure. He didn't know anything except Merlin, his Merlin was gone. Forever.
It rained that night, hard, drowning the sounds of the night. Arthur didn't move, didn't feel the chill of the night air. How could he feel? His soul was gone.
