Chapter One
Clint doesn't find out about Phil until they get back to the helicarrier after the 'yay-we're not dead' schwarma celebration. Fury takes him aside and Clint balls his hands into fists and tries not to look as nervous as he is because, yeah, he's just helped save the world but a few hours ago he was trying to destroy the carrier and killing their people and Clint has no idea what Fury's going to do to him for that. But when Fury speaks it's not about Clint and his actions while under Loki's control.
"Rogers is informing Banner and Thor but I wanted to tell you myself. Agent Coulson was killed by Loki during his escape from custody." Clint just stares and doesn't quite understand what the man is saying because 'Coulson' and 'killed' don't belong in the same sentence unless Phil's the one doing the killing. Phil once killed a man with a paperclip and Phil doesn't make mistakes and he doesn't die.
"I am very sorry for your loss, Agent Barton," Fury says and Clint wonders if maybe this is his punishment - Fury pretending that Phil is dead - and Clint deserves it, he knows he does, but it's still harsher than he'd expected.
"Is that all, sir?" Clint finally says when it's clear Fury has nothing else to add.
"Get some rest, Agent Barton," Fury says and it's a command Clint isn't going to follow, not yet, but he knows better than to say so. Fury turns and walks in the direction of the damaged bridge and Clint assumes that's a dismissal.
Natasha is behind him when Clint turns around, at a distance that would have been just out of earshot for most people, but Tasha's not most people and he knows she heard everything.
"Tasha?" he asks as she moves toward him, wanting, needing her to tell him it's not true - it's some kind of undercover assignment and they'll have to pretend for a while and Clint can do that, has done it but in the end Phil will come home and everything will be ok.
"It's true," she says, because she knows what he's thinking and stops just in front of Clint, close, but not touching, not reaching out because she knows him, it was Clint and Tasha before it was SHIELD and she knows he can't be touched right now. "Loki stabbed him with that damn staff. We heard them call it."
"Heard. Heard, not saw?" because Clint will take anything now, just the slightest chance, and Fury lies.
"Clint" Tasha's voice is hoarse and strained and dammit, Clint thinks, Fury's convinced her, she really believes it and she still doesn't reach out but Clint can tell that she really wants to because she loved Phil too, shit, loves, she loves Phil too and it isn't true. It isn't.
"No," Clint says, because Phil's not dead, he can't be, but there are people who are, good agents and it's Clint's fault and he can't do this. "Not now, Tasha."
She looks like she's about to say something but she doesn't and Clint walks off the flight deck toward the interior and Tasha doesn't stop him, doesn't follow, but Clint can feel her sad gaze on his back the whole way.
He swings up into the air ducts first chance he gets because at least up here he doesn't have to see the distrustful looks the other agents and personnel throw his way, not that he blames them. Clint heads for his 'nest' - his favourite corner high up above the engines and conveniently close to the vent in Phil's office. He's got a large pillow and a blanket stashed up here and Tasha knows how to find him if he's needed or if Phil comes back but Clint believes the part where Phil was injured so Fury's probably got him tucked away in some secret corner, recovering.
Clint curls up with the blanket and pillow and listens to the hum of the engines and wishes Phil was there to hold him. He doesn't come down for two days.
