Requested by mrseffieabernathy13 - "Could you please make a crack fic of Effie giving Katniss "the talk"?"

A/N - When I saw the request, I remembered that there was a snippet somewhere in Chapter 5 of my Eight For A Wish, Nine For A Kiss in which Effie was complaining to Haymitch about Peeta being in Katniss' room so, I expounded on it for the purposes of this request.


"People are talking!" Effie whispered angrily to Haymitch.

It was early in the morning and the sun was just starting to rise. Effie had dragged Haymitch out of his bed to discuss the matter at hand. It wasn't an easy task. Effie watched as he pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath.

"What you want me to do, then? I thought you're giving her those sleeping pills to help her," he muttered through gritted teeth.

"I was. But she's refused them lately. I told you, Peeta has been sleeping in her bed. Every night," she took pity on him and slipped two pills of aspirin into his hand.

She got up and filled a glass with water before pressing it into his hand, urging him to drink. He nodded his thanks and downed the pill, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Effie pursed her lips in disapproval. Has this man never use a napkin before?

"I don't see the problem. They're Panem's star-crossed lovers. Honestly, Princess, if this is such a big deal, go talk to her."

"Easy for you to say, isn't it? You know how Katniss is with me. They should be more discreet, that is all I'm saying," she stated with a note of finality in her voice.

XxX

The train swayed lightly and Effie, still in her high heels made her way to Katniss' room. Effie knocked softly on her closed door and waited for a response. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Haymitch staggering through the narrow hallway of the train.

"Talk to him now," she mouthed.

Haymitch rolled his eyes and lifted the hand holding his whiskey signalling to her that yes, he was going over to Peeta's room.

"Who is it?" the girl called out after Haymitch had disappeared.

"It's Effie."

The door swung opened and Katniss stood there, a slight confusion written on her features.

"May I come in?" Effie asked politely.

"Sure."

Katniss hovered by the door uncertainly; her arms were crossed, her eyes shifted rapidly from Effie to the door as though she was ready to flee at any given time. Effie noticed the way Katniss was reacting and she couldn't really fault the girl. She was Katniss' escort but given where she was from, Katniss wasn't going to be terribly friendly with her. After all, it took Haymitch years to even hold a civil conversation with her which at times, hardly lasted more than ten minutes.

Effie sat gingerly at the edge of the double bed, her hand immediately occupied itself by smoothening out the satin bed sheets. Taking a deep breathe, Effie looked up with a big smile plastered on her face, hoping that it would dispel the air of awkwardness that has begun to settle in.

She had no idea where to begin. Effie never had a victor before much less two victors who spent the night with each other. This was all new to her and she was truly loss as to how one goes about having the talk. She wondered how Haymitch was faring with Peeta.

XxX

"Do you still have those sleeping pills I gave you? Do you need more?" Effie started even though Katniss had refused them when Effie offered the day before.

Katniss shook her head; her eyes darted briefly to the trashcan at the corner of the room.

"They don't work for you?" she asked softly.

"No, it doesn't help. But, thanks for it, though."

"You're welcome, of course."

Silence filled the room again and Effie had the distinct feeling that Katniss was waiting for her to leave, thinking that the conversation was over.

"Is that the reason why Peeta's been sleeping in your room for the past week?" Effie asked, smiling.

Katniss' head snapped up to look at Effie. She seemed startled.

"Why?" Katniss asked defensively. "Is that why you're here?"

"People are talking," Effie tried to explain. "The train attendants, especially. Nobody has to make Peeta's bed in the morning and they began to put the pieces together."

"So what if he sleeps in my room?" Katniss shrugged her shoulders, unconcerned and unaware that gossips spread like wild fire in the Capitol. Effie herself was ignorant about the fact that Katniss found that bit of news slightly uplifting to her spirits. Katniss hoped that the gossips would reach the ears of President Snow and just maybe, he would believe her.

Effie was beginning to feel annoyed but she kept the smile on and her tone was still gentle when she said, "You are a victor now, you and Peeta both. This is a matter of how you conduct yourself, surely you understand? I don't know what it's like in the districts but back home in the Capitol, we do things slightly differently. You are an idol to many girls all around Panem. You must be aware of the kind of message you're sending out to them if they finds out you're sleeping with Peeta. You must hold yourself with decorum. It is important."

Little did she know that Haymitch would laugh in her face when she relayed to him what transpired with Katniss in her room.

"You said what to her? She doesn't want to be an idol. None of us wanted to be an idol or to be worshipped," he grumbled once the laughter had subsided. "You always say the wrong things, Trinket. Don't you ever learn?"

Katniss frowned. "But we're the star-crossed lovers so why shouldn't we be lovers? Shouldn't we be behaving like one?"

Effie flinched slightly. That was exactly what Haymitch had said when she had brought it up that morning during breakfast.

"Well, yes, of course you are. But I do not mean for you take it quite literally! Or – Or for him to be sneaking into your room in the middle of the night like some -"

"We're not sleeping together!" Katniss bellowed, finally, losing that temper of hers. "I mean we are sleeping together but… but not… not in the manner that you think. He's helping me with my nightmares, that's all."

Effie pursed her lips in irritation. Katniss was beginning to aggravate her and Effie did not appreciate being treated like a fool.

"Katniss, you don't have to be embarrassed. You're a young, pretty girl and Peeta is in love with you. I know he is," Effie said earnestly. "It's okay if the both of you are, you know, sleeping together in that manner."

She waved her hand over head as she spoke, looking at Katniss who fidgeted uncomfortably and from the way her cheeks were tinged red, Effie knew Katniss understood what she meant.

"I came in to let you know the situation at hand. So that you're aware people are talking and personally, I think it's sweet that the both of you are looking out for each other."

"Oh," Katniss relaxed slightly. "Thanks, I supposed. If it helps, we'll be more discreet. Maybe… Maybe Peeta could come over when everybody else is asleep?"

"There's always someone awake in the train but yes, please exercise caution. You know how quiet the train gets at night – the walls are not soundproof - and the slightest noise…." She looked at Katniss pointedly.

"I understand," Katniss face turned scarlet. "Is there anything else?"

"Yes, there is. I'm not sure if you've had this talked with your mother because I had mine when I was a year younger than you were but you know the importance of practising safe sex, I hope?"

If her face was red before, Katniss looked as though she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole.

"Please don't," she mumbled under her breath, but it was too soft for Effie to pick up.

"Well?" Effie prompted.

"I – Yes, she might have mentioned it, I guess," Katniss replied hoping that the answer was sufficient enough for Effie to leave her be.

Effie wanted the conversation to end as much as Katniss did and in an attempt to bring the conversation to a close, she offered some assistance which of course served to make the situation even more awkward.

"Good," Effie nodded. She stood up and straightened her skirt. "The prep team would be able to assist you with any contraceptive that you might need and if Peeta requires any, Haymitch or Cinna would be able to get him a pack when we reach District Two. I'm sure they wouldn't mind."

"Condoms?" Katniss asked loudly. She didn't mean to but she was so taken aback by what Effie was saying that she had said it out loud as her mind processed the information.

"Well, yes, what else would he need?"

"And you want to send Haymitch, our mentor, Haymitch Abernathy to get it for Peeta?" the girl asked incredulously. "You are joking, right? He will kill you before he agrees to it."

Katniss started laughing. She sat at the edge of the bed Effie had occupied before, bent forward with her head between her knees as she laughed.

Effie blinked in surprise and her mind conjured up the scenario. She imagined Haymitch's face if she were to ever ask him and Effie couldn't help the giggles escaping her lips.

"I supposed you're right," Effie chuckled, "he would kill me, that man."

XxX

"Did you talk to Peeta?" Effie asked. After she left Katniss' room, Effie went straight to Haymitch's room. The man was sprawled on his stomach on the bed, a bottle of newly opened white liquor dangling from his hand.

"Yep," he slurred. "Just sleeping he said. Nightmares or something."

"That's all?"

"Yes," his brows crinkled at the hint of disbelief in Effie's voice.

"What? You're not serious, are you? I sat down and had a long talk with Katniss - an awkward, uncomfortable talk for both of us - and you're telling me that was all you talked about with Peeta?"

He pushed himself off the bed and looked at her through his long eye lashes with a condescending smirk playing on his lips. "Did you tell her how babies are made, sweetheart?"

"You are incorrigible, Haymitch! I didn't! She is old enough to know that!"

"Well then, I'm not sure why your talk was awkward and uncomfortable. What's there to even talk about?"

"For starters," Effie said and it was her turn to smirk now, "I told her you will help Peeta get the necessary protection once we reach District Two."

Haymitch blinked stupidly at her and it took a moment for her words to sink in before he reacted, quite violently.

"You – WHAT?"

"You heard me," she said. "Unless, of course, you have some lying around in your room?"

"Really, you insufferable woman? Do I look like I march women into my room every now and then? The only person who is always here is you and, you talk too much. It is unflattering, especially in the bedroom."

She gasped.

"And you're a drunk!" she retorted. "Are you even sure you could complete the act before passing out?"

"Get out!" he thundered.

Effie left his room with a satisfying grin on her face knowing that she had the last words this time round.


This was originally posted on Tumblr and somehow, I kept forgetting to post it here.