Hey guys! A few months has passed since my last fanfiction for Castle, but I was working on another story and didn't want to undertake too much and be overburdened with two stories to update.
This is a story that I started a while back but never finished and now I found it on my computer. And I thought why not post it and see what you think about it?
The whole idea is from a song, Diane Birch's Rewind, which I had been listening to a lot back then and which I really recommend to everyone who doesn't know it...
The story starts at the end of season two but it will develop through the third and probably the fourth season as well. I'll use quite a lot of scenes from the actual show but I will have a hidden storyline in there that may give things a different meaning. It might not make any sense right now, but you'll see…
I hope you guys will enjoy it! :)
Oh, and sorry for any grammatical mistake or any other errors on the way, I'm not a native speaker but I'll try really hard not to make mistakes! Thanks for your understanding!

Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish I did, I don't own Castle. Though I belive it's in pretty good hands…

Chapter 1

Kate Beckett sat in her office chair, deep in thought trying to figure out the meaning. The meaning of the dark feeling inside her chest, the wave of loss she felt when Castle had announced he was leaving.

Esposito's words were replaying in her head. '…whatever the reason is, I'm pretty sure it doesn't include watching you be with another guy!'

It stuck in her head and she couldn't get rid of it. He was right and she knew it. But she didn't know what to do, it was all so complicated when it came to Castle.

After all, she was with Tom now, who was just an amazing guy…She didn't want to hurt him and she wasn't even sure what she wanted from Castle. She used to act like she hated that he was there, but honestly she had gotten used to it. He made work so easy with his absurd theories and every day he walked in the office with a coffee for her in his hand, and Beckett could see that the guys loved having him around too. The thought of never seeing him again cut into her heart as a cold knife and she avoided it carefully. Until now, because sitting there alone in the bullpen she couldn't stop the stream of ideas what it would be like without him.
When she heard the soft thud of footsteps coming towards her she looked up. She knew it wasn't Castle, it couldn't be. But there was still some hope in her heart when her eyes travelled the form.
It was Tom, he had a smile on his face. One that could melt her heart only a day ago. But now, somehow she found it neutral. He was just a guy, like everybody else. Of course a little more…She had been really into him. A guy who was cute and tough at the same time, who could make her smile with his romantic things and he really was a great kisser she had to admit. But now as she was looking at him she didn't feel that sparkle anymore.

When he got next to her and asked if she was ready to go she nodded automatically and all the while her brain was working on ways to tell him.
Finally she decided that maybe she shouldn't do it tonight. One night wouldn't hurt anyone and Tom deserved one more happy night. She knew it would break him and she hated the thought that she will have to cause him so much pain. But it was the right thing to do…

They walked out of the bullpen, Tom followed her closely and she smiled at him in their way out. Maybe it was just a sudden feeling, maybe… Hopefully it will cease in the morning!


Next morning Beckett was sitting at her desk again. Feeling the same confusion because it didn't fade. She hadn't had any sleep at night and she couldn't help but feel bad as Tom pulled her close in his sleep and hugged her to his side.

She pulled out her notebook and wrote down some of her thoughts. Maybe it will help her to understand the tangled ways of this situation.
Castle was going to spend the summer in the Hamptons. She wanted to go with him, or tell him not to go, so desperately. But she didn't know anything sure about him. Just like that, with one sentence he could break her heart. And he didn't even notice.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. He must have noticed it, he was Castle. He noticed everything. But this time he didn't do anything to make it right. He didn't apologize or looked at her with that regretting face. Not even a sad puppy eye…

Tom never did anything like that. He was trustworthy and reliable. And she loved that about him. He was a secure point in her life.

Her pen moved on its own, sketching her thoughts on the paper. When she read it over she pressed her lips together and shook her head slightly. The result wasn't too helpful either.

She checked her watch and realized with a sigh that it was getting late. Castle will arrive soon and she had a theory she wanted to confirm before he got there.

After ten minutes of reading through files and waiting for financials to come in she sat on the edge of a desk, in front of her murder board and she looked at the pictures. She couldn't be sure, but she had a pretty good clue now…

That was when she heard the oh-so-familiar footsteps and she looked up to find him walking towards her. She greeted him with a confused voice. He had a troubled face and she wanted to know the reason. Her eyes shifted unintentionally from his face down to his hands where she could see only one coffee. He hadn't brought one for her….

She tried not to think about it and instead she focused on his words. First it seemed like he was going to tell her something serious, something really important. Sometimes he had this face that made her think he was going to say something about them.

But what was she thinking? There was no such thing as 'them'!

At that moment he had that face. She felt the hope rise in her chest only to find out he was sharing an idea of his with her about the case.

She felt ridiculous about thinking maybe he would try to fight for her… When she heard what his thoughts were about the case she had to smile though. The exact same thing as her own guesses. Like their brains would have been connected. Like they could have read the other's mind…

And she had to realize it wasn't the first time they had a moment like this. Maybe she shouldn't ignore the signs?


Castle was waiting for Beckett in the bullpen later that day. He had a sad feeling when he thought about the fact that this might be his last case. Maybe his last case with the guys ever… He wanted to come back. He really enjoyed the whole thing. He had to admit it wasn't just about the books anymore…and it wasn't just about Kate anymore either. Of course the biggest part was her, but he found out he liked the job too. It was diverse, it was full of twists and anything but boring. Like a good novel! He would truly feel bad if he couldn't come back.

But he wasn't sure he could stand seeing Beckett with Demming anymore. Watching her together with another guy made his heart ache. He was damn jealous and now he was a little angry at her too. She never even gave him a chance. And he thought it was because they worked together, but now that couldn't be her excuse because Demming was working here too…

Still, he couldn't be mad at her for more than a second. As she was waiting for him that morning, there, in front of her white board, he thought she must be the most beautiful woman on Earth. She was looking at him with those glamorous eyes of hers and he was lost. He just felt miserable that she didn't want him…

He sat down into her office chair with a sigh and stared in front of him. He didn't want to leave. But he couldn't stay, not like this anyway… Maybe he could try to tell her how he feels. She had surprised him before, maybe… But no! That was just ridiculous. Kate Beckett wouldn't break up with her boyfriend just because he said it hurt him. She probably wouldn't even take him seriously.

As he ran his eyes through her desk something caught his eye. It was a little notebook, half hidden between the packs of paperwork. It was written in Beckett's handwriting, with those slightly italic words, her elegant, long loops… He would recognise it anytime! He didn't want to read it first, but as he noticed it his eyes automatically read the first words.

'I think I love him…
Tom, he is just so nice and handsome and funny and he loves me to pieces. I can clearly see it…'

Castle stopped reading right there and turned his eyes away. He stood up from her desk and took some steps away, not wanting to be close to that piece of paper. He didn't want to read how she loved Demming, how she wrote down her feelings on that paper. He felt like he would give the whole world to have her write down her feelings for him like that! He would give anything to see how she described her feelings for one, named Rick Castle…
With his heart aching he closed his eyes shut and swayed his head. This wasn't anything new for him, still he felt like his heart had been broken into millions of tiny pieces as he read the words. He wanted to go back in time and not read it, or just erase the memory from his brain.

With a sudden decision he pulled out his phone and flipped it open. He typed a short message to Gina about wanting to come with him to the Hamptons and sent it. He closed his eyes again and hoped that he wouldn't regret this. They had a great talk yesterday night and at that moment he really felt like he would like to have Gina with him in the summer…

„Hey, you okay?" he heard her soft voice, close beside him and when he opened his eyes he saw Beckett's worried face. He nodded but avoided her eyes. From the corner of his eyes he saw her expression, cofused but not wanting to be pushy…

„Yeah, can we go?" he askeed quietly and she led the way to the elevator. He wasn't going to say anything about the note he wasn't even supposed to see.


Castle checked his phone as he hurried home to get Alexis. There was a message waiting for him, from Gina.

No thanks Rick. I think I'm good here… G.

He grinned and shook his head. He quickly typed his answer before he put the phone into his pocket.

Come on, it will be fun! Please, I could really use some pushing in writing! We both know how good you are in that!;) Rick

He jumped the stairs to his loft and entered with a shout for his daughter. He heard her voice from her room and went to the kitchen to make a coffee for himself.
He thought about his offer for Gina and realized that he really wanted her to come. They had a real good talk yesterday, like in old times. Finally, they understood each other and didn't fight. It was comforting to talk to someone who knew him so well, and to be honest, he missed Gina. She was kind and smart and funny. Alexis loved her, and she adored Alexis. And even his mother liked Gina, actually she introduced her to him, so she must have liked her much!
Maybe, trying again with her would be a nice idea… Or at least a good distraction from Beckett.
He and Beckett had a strange connection, something he had never felt before. He mostly experienced it when he looked into her eyes, sometimes she gave him that look, for example that day when he told her that he is coming home to pick up Alexis. She had that tender expression on her lovely face as she looked at him which gave him chills and made him curious about how he deserved it…

But with Gina, they had their moments too. They weren't even similar to the ones with Beckett but he could be sure about Gina. Not like with Beckett.
And for instant, he found himself only remembering the good memories with Gina. None of the bad ones seemed to come up in his mind, or if they did, he realised that it wasn't important…


She was sure. She finally opened her eyes and saw the signs. Which in fact all pointed to one person. To Castle, of course.
Even the Captain seemed to notice that there is someting between them, or so she thought after his comment at the end of the case. The boys had been giving her the hints and the looks since Castle joined their team and Lanie gave her a hard time about him too. Maybe they all saw. Everybody saw, but her…
Now that it was clear to her it all seemed more easy than before. She knew what she had to do. First of all, finishing the case, then talking with Tom. That was a tough thing, she knew it would be. But it had to be done. Tom and Castle both deserved it.
After she was done with all of these, she had one thing left to do. Her heart was beating high in her throat when she asked Castle to come out with her. She could feel the curious eyes of the team on her back when they walked out and adrenaline cursed through her veins.

She faced him and looked up to him and suddenly she felt like she could do this! That maybe, this could work….
She found it hard to describe how she felt without giving herself away completely. Without making herself ridiculous, though she was sure Castle wouldn't laugh at her. He smiled at her with his gentle, warm smile and the corners of his eyes crinkled, like his eyes were smiling at her too. She wanted to tell him, tell him all that she felt. How much she changed since he was with her, how different and better her life was. Tell him that she needed him, and she wanted to go with him… Anywhere he went.

But then she heard the voice. Richard. Nobody ever called him that except his mother. But this woman certainly wasn't Martha. When she saw who was talking she felt a skip in her chest. Gina approached and all her braveness, and hope disappeared. Mostly when she came up to Castle and he hugged her.
She tried not to show it. Her immediate heartbreak at this sight. She just forced some nice words out and blinked hard. Pictures of an imaginary life with Rick Castle just disappeared and left nothing behind. Only cold, painful, lonely thoughts. When he said goodbye she wanted to jump into his arms and hug him. Hug him so that he would know how she felt. That she didn't want to let him go… But all she got was a friendly handshake.

She was alone.

She couldn't help herself as she called after him. She watched him go and everything in her ached and she desperately wanted something, anything to hold on to. A little hope…

She stood there, thinking how ridiculous she was. It was supposed to happen like this. She kept ignoring him, and rejecting him and still she was hoping that he would wait. But she couldn't blame him for not waiting.
She waited for minutes, not moving, not thinking. She was dazed, her brain frozen but she didn't want out of the situation. Being like this, emotionless, motionless, blunt to everything around her was easy now. She could bear all of it this way. Or at least, it wasn't that horrible…

She felt the sympathetic, pitiful looks of her team, her best friend, her capitain. She didn't want to face it she didn't have the strength. She felt embarrassed and miserable. She just wanted a long bath, a glass of wine and a good book, one that always distracted her from her pain. But then again, no… She didn't want the last one. Not in this case. This time a good Castle novel couldn't make it any better…


She slammed the front door of her apartment and threw her bag on the table. Her notebook slipped out of it and when she saw it she grabbed it and tore the last page out. The one she wrote about her feelings…
With tears in her eyes she folded it and for a second she considered throwing it out, but then changed her mind and just put it down on the table in her living room.

She collapsed on her couch, and kicked off her shoes to pull her legs up to her chest. Her sobs were escaping and she felt the pain wash over her. There was no one to see it, or hear her muffled voices of hurt, she was alone. She didn't have to act strong for anybody. She let her crying overtake her and closed her eyes. She buried her face in her arm and let it out…

Beckett fell asleep on her couch, heart and eyes aching as she woke up in the middle of the night. She pulled a blanket over herself and closed her eyes again, feeling empty. As she remembered on her day a tear escaped her again and she turned her head so she could push her face into the pillow. She wanted out, she wanted to feel okay and neutral and not think about Castle every awake minute.

As she found out that she couldn't fall back into sleep she slowly sat up on her couch and reached for her phone. It was on the table where she left it next to the piece of paper with her notes. Her fingers grazed over the paper and she let out a huge, heartbreaking sigh. She sniffled and wiped her cheek with her palm and with the other hand she pushed a button on her phone to make the screen light up. Then she saw on the clock that it was 4 a.m.
There was no need to force herself back to sleep so she pulled her note closer and with a skip of a heartbeat she read it through. It was painful and still she couldn't say that it was just a moment of an emotion. She still felt the ovewhelming weight of the words, even now that she was reading her own thoughts back.

With a sudden decision she pulled out her notebook and flipped it open at a blank page. She bit the end of her pen for a second before she released it from her mouth and with a deep sigh she started writing.

'Dear Rick,
First of all, I want to say thank you for pushing your way through every barrier I put in front of you and making yourself the member of our team without me noticing it! Without you I couldn't have realised how much a person can change. Without you my life was all about work, and no fun, but since I met you suddenly my work became so much more fun!'

She wiped her eyes again then continued writing. Putting her every feeling into words, writing down everything. It felt surprisingly refreshing and cleansing. Her aching soul felt a little release, like it would have been lighter if she wrote it down. She wrote her fears, her hurt, her heart in that letter. And pretty surprised herself that she wasn't afraid to write the words 'I loved you!' in it. But after all, he would probably never see this paper. She wanted to write 'I love you' but she wasn't sure she could make it… He had hurt her badly and she only realised her feelings for a few days.

In less than thrity minutes she wrote two pages and when she finally put her pen down and tore the pages out of her notebook her hand was hurting. Interesting that her heart seemed to hurt less now… It was there, pulsing through her every time she thought about it, but she could push it aside. Just for a little time. And maybe, in time her bruises would heal and she would be able to survive a whole day without falling apart while thinking about a certain writer, named Richard Castle.

So, this was the first chapter! I would love to hear your opinion and insights about it and I'm dying to know if you guys are interested in this story! So please leave me a review, it would be highly appreciated! :)
I hope you liked it and thank you all for reading and an even bigger thanks goes out to those who take their time to write me a review! It means a lot to me!
Next chapter will probably be up in a week, but it all depends on how much time I'll have to write now that school has started again. I'll do my best to be quick though! Until then, xxx