Across the Disc in 7.9 leaps

Part 1a

Rincewind was bored. Nothing was happening; no creatures or people in sight. It was boring, and that was just how Rincewind liked it. No action, no adventure, and, more importantly, no danger.

Rincewind liked being bored. It wasn't that interesting admittedly, but in his experience, interest led to danger, and since he had spend so much time facing danger (well, more accurately running away from it), he felt he was long overdue for a nice long stretch of boring.

He shifted slightly and made himself more comfortable against the tree he was sitting under, and took a swig from the cup of water next to him.

One the other side of the tree sat a large treasure chest-like, well, chest. It looked a little out of place maybe, but it was nether the less distinctly chest-like.

Yet there was something not quite right about the keyhole, or maybe the hinges that suggested an air of grumpiness.

The luggage was sulking. Rincewind ignored it.

He had kicked it not long before, and despite this having absolutely no effect on the stubborn thing, it was now annoyed with him.

Well, thought Rincewind, it did try and eat my hat…

This was quite true. Rincewind's hat was now starless. It may have been just a faded old hat, but it was his hat. And the star may have been about to fall off, but it was his star.

Other people might not see what all the fuss was about, but a wizard's hat is his identity. Without the pointy hat he would just be a silly bloke in a dress.

Rincewind handled the hat fondly, before ramming it firmly back on his head. It may be starless, and lost the very tip, but it still gave off an aura of pointiness.

Feeling whole again, Rincewind watched a woodlouse trundling past him.

There was nothing very special about it. It had fourteen legs, a slightly pointier end (which he took to be the head) and was about the size of a fingernail. Apart from the fact it was blue, there was really nothing very special about it.

Rincewind had always marvelled at these small creatures. The way they were completely ignorant of the world around them, which was probably a good thing since there a lot of things out to get a woodlouse.

He watched as it approached a stick.

The stick had a useful woodlouse-sized hole in it, handily lined up with the woodlouse's path.

The woodlouse wandered up to it, trundled right over it, and carried on as if nothing had happened.

This was Rincewind's kind of creature. Tough, tenacious, armoured, and ignores everything around it no matter tempting or useful it might seem.

Rincewind reached forward and picked it up. Its legs continued to wiggle. Obviously the sudden lack of ground wasn't about to stop it going where it wanted to get.

He set it down again, about a meter back, and watched it trundle some more, like some sort of living blue tank.

After a while he stood up and watched it lumber determinedly past his feet.

Rincewind lifted a foot, and held it hovering just above the woodlouse. It ignored him. You had to give it something, thought Rincewind, it doesn't scare easily.

He brought the foot down.

It squeaked.

That wasn't supposed to happen. They're meant to get squashed with a satisfying crunch, not squeak…

He lifted his foot again. The squashed woodlouse slowly began to rise, with a sound like a backwards squeak, like that of a dog's squeaky toy inflating.

Once fully inflated, the woodlouse simply continued to trundle as if nothing had happened.

Rincewind stood on it again, with the same effect. He had to admit, it really was strangely fun…

He stopped himself just in time. He was getting interestednot boredinterestingadventuredangerpain.

He watched as the woodlouse inflated again and trundle off, still determined to get to wherever it was going.

After a while Rincewind got up, and walked around to the other side of the tree.

The luggage glared up at him through its keyhole. He sighed, picked up a stick and prodded it several times until it reluctantly opened its lid.

Draining his cup, he threw it inside and the lid snapped shut.

Rincewind turned and walked away heading deeper into the forest. It did not look particularly friendly, but neither did the woodland behind him, and at least it was more sheltered amongst the trees.

After a few seconds, the luggage rose up on hundreds of little legs and followed him grumpily.

A deer stopped munching grass for a moment to listen. The sounds of feet were approaching, but there was something odd about them. One heavier set of footfalls sounded like a man, but the other puzzled the deer. It sounded like something very heavy, carried by something very light footed. No, not light footed, more like…light-feeted. There was definitely more than one set of legs under this creature.

The deer swallowed its mouthful and listened more closely.

The man was still some way off, but the other although distant and quiet, seemed strangely nearby…

The lid of the luggage snapped shut.

Rincewind wandered alone in the forest. The luggage was nowhere in sight, but he was not overly bothered. It would turn up sooner of later. He had always rather hoped that he might loose the thing, but it was persistent and followed him everywhere. It always managed to find him no matter where he was, in which dimension, on land or over sea it would always manage it in the end.

It was probably off having fun chasing the local wildlife. Rincewind left it to it. Whilst it did so it meant it wasn't following him, and was improving it's and his mood in the process.

He came to a clearing on top of a hill. He paused for a moment and looked up. There was one lone tree standing in the middle of it. There was something odd about it, but quite what that was he couldn't say.

It was very tall and very straight, with long branches coming off at irregular intervals. The leaves were a shade of pleasant pale green and caught the light so that the rays fell about him in shafts. The bark was lumpy and knotted, with one part looking rather like a face.

As he walked closer two squirrels chased one another through its branches. There was even a bird's nest complete with eggs and a mother bird.

It looked all together far too tree shaped to be real. He had read of trees that were tall, had long sweeping branches with bird's nests and squirrels, and knots in the bark that looked like faces in stories. They were common fairytale stuff and were everything a tree was supposed to be, yet he had never actually seen a tree that fitted that description before.

He walked right up to the trunk and tapped it. Instead of the dull thud he was expecting, the tree sounded hollow and thin walled. On closer inspection, it appeared to be made of fibreglass.

A voice from inside replied to the knock.

"You're early. You're not supposed to be here till next week. I'm not finished yet!"

Rincewind took a couple of steps back cautiously. He was hearing things. Trees didn't talk, everyone knew that.

A small hatch opened in the tree trunk which he was sure wasn't there before. After a moment a face appeared looking hurried and annoyed. It was wearing the sort of expression that wanted to say "bugger off" but was too polite and couldn't help adding a "please" on the end.

"Well?" it said

"Well what?"

"Well why are you here so early?"

"Sorry I'll come back later, I didn't mean to intrude."

"No, no you're here now I suppose you might as well come in."

"Well I really should-"

"Tea?" said the face.

"Look, I didn't mean-"

"I think I've got some crumpets somewhere I can toast."

"-I suppose I can stay a while." Rincewind concluded. There were crumpets. Most things were worth enduring for crumpets.

He followed the strange man through the hatch, which closed behind him. He turned to see it blended perfectly with the wall. Unless you knew it was there it would be invisible.

The man was busying himself with a kettle a few feet away. To be fair, it was harder for him to move any further away since they were on the inside of a tree.

"Sorry it's not much," he said dunking in some tea bags. "I was planning on tidying before you arrived, but you came a little early."

"It's really…" Rincewind trailed off. There many terms that could be used to describe the inside of this fibreglass tree, but "homely" was not one of them. "Lived in" would have been a better phrase, if it didn't also apply to an ant nest and a rather mouldy aubergine.

"Do want milk in your tea?"

"Umm…" Rincewind noted the empty milk cartons on the floor. "No thanks" he said, "just plain."

"Each to their own." The small man replied, tipping liberal amounts of slightly lumpy white- Rincewind supposed the term "liquid" just about stretched to it - into his own mug.

"Take a seat" he said, waving vaguely towards the pile of cardboard boxes, crates, and other similar junk.

Rincewind perched carefully on a rather squashed box. It squashed slightly more, and a dislodged rat streaked of across the floor, having been evicted.

The man wandered over and sat down heavily on a crate, which creaked ominously, and handed Rincewind his tea.

Rincewind looked down into the chipped mug. After a moment of contemplation, took a sip. It wasn't too bad. A bit weak maybe, but it was tea.

The other man coughed.

"Hmm?" said Rincewind looking up.

"Do you want to see the work I've been doing then?" he smiled hopefully "so you know where to take off from."

"Well I-"Rincewind tried as he stood up and headed along a path through the clutter. "You know I really-" but the little man was already disappearing up a ladder with his mug of tea.

Rincewind followed feeling slightly miffed. There was a distinct lack of crumpets so far.

He emerged into a room equally cluttered, only slightly smaller, so the junk simply piled higher. The smell was not only offensive, but eroded the nostrils leaving them the constancy of something between soup and jelly.

The man appeared to have vanished. Rincewind picked a path through the litter and debris and eventually after much searching found another ladder. He climbed it carefully, dreading the state of the room he was about to come in to.

A foot below the opening, he took a deep breath. This was not pleasant, but he had a feeling it was probably more so than breathing in the inevitable stench of the room above.

"Careful now, don't wake them."

Rincewind opened his eyes to reveal what was by far the tidiest room in the entire house tree. This was it had to be admitted however a relative term. The floor was strewn with broken crates and straw. Strange sounds came from several of the more complete of these. It was not an unfriendly sound, it just made your ears want to curl up and try to drop off your head. On closer examination, it turned out that the contents of the crates were not designed to be seen at anything less than 50 feet away.

Rincewind averted his eyes from this nauseating sight and turned back to the man. He decided on second thoughts, that maybe the strange creatures were the least repulsive of the two.

"So I expect that all your equipment is on its way then?"

"Well-" Rincewind began.

"Good, good." replied the man moving towards the ladder without apparently moving his feet. "And you know everything there is to know about their proper care?"

"-"

"'Cause you do, why else would you be here. Their next meal is over there" he indicated several trays across the room"

"-?"

"A copy of my notes is on the table over there, and there's some paper and a pencil for you to jot down your findings." He was at the top of the ladder by now.

"-!"

"So I'll see you in six months then. Enjoy your stay!"

His head disappeared over the edge of the hole and the trapdoor shut behind him.

"…" said Rincewind, and sat down heavily on a crate.

He listened for a moment, expecting to hear the sounds of footsteps down rickety ladders, followed by the creaking of the hidden door being swung open. What he wasn't expecting to hear was the sounds of footsteps down rickety ladders followed by a yell and a snap or wood.

Silence.

He waited a moment more to see if anything else would happen. When it didn't, he carefully walked over to the ladder, opened the trapdoor, and peered down. The room below was just as cluttered and pungent as before, but there was a distinct lack of monsters, magic, traps, or anything else that would result in injury. Seeing this, Rincewind took a deep breath (immediately wishing he hadn't) and descended the ladder.

After a bit of orienteering he found the next ladder and cautiously opened the trapdoor. The ladder lay in two pieces on the floor and a large chest sat menacingly in the centre of the room. (Quite how a chest can manage to look menacing is unknown, but this one did.)

Rincewind let out a sigh of relief and carefully lowered himself through the trapdoor, letting himself down as far as possible, before letting go at the last second and landing awkwardly on a squashed milk carton, that popped and went whizzing off across the room.

Standing and dusting himself off, Rincewind gave the box a cold look.

"You took your time"

The Luggage belched loudly.

"Look, I don't have to do anything. I never said I was a researcher or a scientist!" Rincewind spat the last word with distaste. The luggage remained immobile, blocking the space occupied by the concealed door.

"Move it you stupid thing." he said angrily, tugging on one of the handles at the end of the stubborn chest. This had no absolutely no effect other than to make him pull a muscle in his back.

He sat down heavily on it, and looked around the room for anything that might be of assistance. Failing to spot anything, he gave up, got to his feet and kicked it. This achieved nothing but an excruciating pain in his toe. He hopped around the room, cursing and eventually leant against the wall of the tree for support - it creaked slightly, and opened into daylight. Rincewind marvelled at this for a moment. The designer of this tree had obviously built in ore than one hidden door.

Purposefully, he stepped through the hole and headed for the path. His shins hit something solid. He looked down.

The luggage was glaring up at him in the way that only a keyhole rivets can achieve.

He groaned inwardly, and took a step sideways. The luggage did likewise.

"Look, I'm not going back there to look after some demented…..things!" He glared at the box.

The luggage glared back. It continued to glare.

"I don't see why I should have to look after them, I never offered."

"…"

"No, I'm not going back, and you can't persuade me otherwise."

He stepped carefully over the luggage and wandered off into the woods. The luggage stayed where it was and watched him through its hinges.