Now and then he can't move past it. Shuichi tries and he tries but no matter what, he can't change the fact that he is in love with the most miserable bastard that ever lived. And he hates it, hates himself for loving someone like Yuki. But nothing he does in his brain ever alters his feelings. Yuki can shout at him, throw him out and he comes crawling back. He tries to be the world for Yuki, and mostly, he can't. He can't protect his lover from his own demons, and sometimes just being there for him isn't enough. And it kills him, hurts him that he can't.
The sex isn't always good. Yuki is always too rough, and almost all the time, Shuichi can move past it, incorporate the pushing, the grabbing, the carelessness into his own arousal. But the only time he's hit Yuki with serious intent is when Yuki tries to fuck him dry, without caring about him. Most of the time, sex with Yuki is sunshine and rainbows, but there are the other times where he pushes the other man away and sleeps on the couch. Yuki has never learnt to separate the bad from the good, and sometimes, Shuichi can't handle that.
Part of Shuichi enjoys fighting. It's a quiet, secret shame, but part of him, that crazy desperate part that only comes out in times of stress, gets off on the tension between them. He hates hurting Yuki, and usually, it's him being sent out of the room in tears, him crying to his friends about Yuki and his cruelness. But those few times, those rare occurrences where he has the power, he can string a fight out for days. The tension makes the sex better, because it's the only time where Shuichi feels equally in control. He can't make a dent on Yuki physically, but emotionally Yuki is a mess.
Shuichi wants Yuki to be a better person, but he isn't. He's small minded, petty and mean. He wishes that he could say that he loves every fault and perfection, but the truth is he hates Yuki for moments when he's uselessly cruel, a bastard because he can be without provocation.
Every time he does it, the tiny outnumbered rebellious part of Shuichi wonders what life would be like without Yuki.
Mostly, he loves Yuki. He loves the man behind the mask, and sometimes, even the mask. He doesn't want him for the money or the sex. He just wants to love and be loved. And so much of the time, he gets what he wants. Mostly, he can move past the bad times.
But sometimes he can't and it makes him crazy.
Shuichi laughs and cries and fucks and lives. He doesn't count the bad times, doesn't keep a record.
But part of him, part of him thinks that he should. And Yuki knows so much, and yet nothing at all.
---End
