I do not own Romeo and Juliet. There, I said it, happy? Basically, this is what happens when I can't understand half of Romeo and Juliet, I make a parody. Enjoy!

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Prologue

Chorus: -in a high pitched squeaky voice- Two households, both alike in dignity, In Fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break into new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth…..-starts coughing- -normal voice- Okay, to make it short, two stupid teens fall in love and then die. The End.

Shakespeare: You idiot! You're not supposed to tell them the ending!

Chorus: Yes I am, it's right here in the script.

Shakespeare: What! -reads the script- Who wrote this thing!

Chorus: Uuuhhh….you did sir.

Shakespeare: Oh..

Audience: Can we get on with the play!

Shakespeare: uuhhh…yes, of course, on with the show!

Act I

Scene 1 - Verona, an incredibly unsanitary place.

We start off seeing Gregory and Sampson, members of the Capulet family, standing next to a pig pen because they have nothing else to do

Sampson: Gregory, I just had a brilliant idea!

Gregory: What?

Sampson: Let's go bother some Montagues.

Gregory: Why?

Sampson: Cause we're better than them.

Gregory: But I'm hungry.

Sampson: Quit whining and come one! -they see Abram- There's one right now! -they stand near him- Montagues are sooo stupid and ugly.

Gregory: And filthy.

Abram: Are you biting your thumb at me!

Sampson: No. -points at Gregory, who is chewing on his thumb- But he is.

Abram: eewww……

Gregory: I can't help it, I'm hungry.

Abram: That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my life.

Sampson: Did you just say we're filthy rats!

Abram: What? I never said anything about you being rats.

Sampson: You just did!

Gregory: DIE! -pulls out his sword and cuts off Abram's head-

Shakespeare: You idiot! You weren't supposed to cut his head off! You weren't even supposed to fight him!

Gregory: Sorry….

Shakespeare: It's so hard to find good actors these days, now what do I do! -sees a random guy mopping- You! -points at the guy- You be Abram!

Guy with the mop: -salutes him- Sir yes sir!

Shakespeare: Now that we have another Abram, get back to the play!

-Abram and Sampson draw their swords and start fighting-

-Benvolio appears and is wearing a pair of sunglasses, some freaky medallions, and a tie-dye T-shirt that has a peace sign on it-

-Abram and Sampson stop fighting and stare in shock-

Sampson: What the…..

Abram: Great…..it's him…..

Benvolio: -makes a peace sign- Dudes….quit fighting, you're like, disturbing the peace man…

-Tybalt appears-

Tybalt: What the heck is going on here!

Benvolio: Nothing dude, just trying to keep the peace, that's all.

Tybalt: Oh really? -pulls out a light saber- My name is Tybalt, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

Benvolio: What? I didn't kill anyone's father man…..

Tybalt: -charges at him with his light saber- YAAAHHHH! -is about to hit him when Benvolio pulls out his light saber and blocks it. They begin to fight-

Shakespeare: -is flipping through the pages of the script- Lightsabers? There are no lightsabers in my play! What the heck is going on here! This is madness! Absolute madness!

Peasants: Yey! Another fight! Woo-hoo!

-Capulet and Lady Capulet appear-

Capulet: A fight? Finally some action! Woman, give me my sword!

Lady Capulet: -tosses him a crutch-

Capulet: I said a sword, woman, a sword!

Lady Capulet: Oh……-goes looking for a sword-

-Montague and Lady Montague appear-

Montague: AAAGGHHH! It's him! Quick, give me my light…I mean, sword!

Lady Montague: Funny story about your sword, hehe….you see I…

Montague: Don't tell me you broke it while trying to put it in a rock again!

Lady Montague: As a matter of fact I did and you want to know why? Because I had a dream, that one day, the true king of England will rise and pull a sword from a rock when no one else can and I……

Shakespeare: What! This is not England! This is Italy!

-the Prince appears-

Prince: Silence you fools!

-Tybalt and Benvolio continue fighting-

-the peasants are throwing rotten vegetables at each other-

Prince: I said…..SILENCE! -thunder booms, lightning flashes, everyone pauses and stares at him- -his voices booms- SILENCE! For I am….GOD!

Shakespeare: What? He's not supposed to be God, he's supposed to be a Prince!

Prince/God: I said silence and that includes you, you filthy play writer!

Shakespeare: Filthy? I'll have you know I bathe twice a year, thank you very much!

Prince/God: No wonder you smell, anyways, who started this fight?

-everyone points at Gregory and Sampson and the rest of the Capulets that are there-

Sampson: But it's not our fault! It's all because the Montagues' ancestors cheated on our ancestors in a game of poker!

Benvolio: Dudes, you got it all wrong, it was your ancestors that cheated, not ours.

Tybalt: Liars!

Prince/God: ENOUGH! Capulet, you come with me, the rest of you go on and do your normal, mortal, things.

-everyone leaves except Montague, Lady Montague, and Benvolio-

Montague: Benvolio, I want you to tell me exactly what happened today.

Benvolio: Okay, let's see, I sang a couple of songs, picked some flowers and making a necklace out of them, danced in the meadow, hugged some trees……

Montague: Not everything! Just tell me who started the f$#ing fight!

Benvolio: Oh, it was the Capulet's fault man.

Montague: I knew it!

Lady Montague: Benvolio, you haven't by any chance seen Romeo, have you?

Benvolio: I think he's chilling out in his room man, you know, sleeping, doing nothing, uuhh…..

Montague: I get that part, but why?

Benvolio: Dude, he's like, lovesick man.

Montague: Oh….

-Romeo appears-

Lady Montague: Come, we shall leave these two alone at once! -Montague and Lady Montague leave-

Benvolio: -holds up a peace sign- Hey, what's up cuz!

Romeo: Well I was sleeping until all that racket outside woke me up.

Benvolio: Sorry about that man. It's all cause of those Capulet's. They just don't know peace man. By the way, man, whose the girl you love?

Romeo: Her name is Rosaline. Aaahhh Rosaline, such a beautiful name, makes me think of how beautiful a rose is. This is true love.

Benvolio: Whatever you say man. Of course, when I think of love, I think of flowers and hugging trees, smiley faces,…..

Romeo: Will you shut up! You know nothing of love!

Benvolio: Alright man, well…I'm gonna go hug a tree. Wanna come? It's better than sleeping.

Romeo: No, no….you go do your tree-hugging thing and I'll just continue to sulk in my room.

Benvolio: Okay, see ya later man.

Scene 2- A street that is filled with rats and rotten vegetables and smells like the sewers of New York

Starts off with Capulet, Count Paris and his servant playing poker in the middle of the street

Paris: Ha! A royal flush! I win! Which means I get to marry your daughter!

Capulet: But she isn't even fourteen yet! She hardly even leaves the house! How can you marry someone who hardly leaves their own house!

Paris: I don't care! She's hot and you're rich, so I want to marry her!

Capulet: She doesn't even know where London is! Or that Verona is in Italy, which is in Europe!

Paris: You mean to tell me that I'm about to marry an incredibly dumb girl? Oh well, you're rich, she's hot, so I don't see why I can't marry her.

Capulet: Fine, you can marry her, but on one condition, give me at least sixteen grandchildren.

Paris: I will do as you wish, sir.

Capulet: I almost forgot, servant!

Servant: -comes and gets on his knees- Yeessss master?

Caputlet: -give him a piece of paper- Take this list throughout Verona and invite everyone whose name is on this list to my party tonight.

Servant: -salutes him- Sir yes sir! -marches off-

Capulet: Come Paris! Let's go play pool at the nearest bar! I wager my poodle for your greyhound!

Paris: Your on! -they leave-

-Romeo and Benvolio mysteriouly appear-

Benvolio: -is wearing a flower necklace- Romeo, man, you, like, need to get over Rosaline, man.

Romeo: How! She's the most beautiful woman in the world, but I can never see her because she is a f#$#ing Capulet!

Benvolio: Dude, you, like, really need to watch your language, man, there are, like, children here, man.

Romeo: Sorry, I got carried away.

Servant: -is marching- Left! Left! Left, right, left! Left! Left! Left rig….-bumps into Romeo and drops the piece of paper- oww….hey! Watch where you're going!

Romeo: Sorry about that. -picks up the piece of paper-

Servant: Hey! Don't touch that! Don't even read it! Wait….can you read?

Romeo: Of course I can read! Do I look like a peasant to you!

Servant: No, but what's up with him? -points at Benvolio, who is meditating-

Romeo: That's my cousin. He trying to be more in tune with nature and some other weird hippie stuff.

Servant: Oh. Hey, you can read that letter now if you want.

Romeo: Why couldn't I read it soon?

Servant: Because there was a cute little spider on it and I was afraid you'd squish it, but it's gone now.

Romeo: Okaayyy. -reads the letter- Alright, a party! Now's my chance to confess my love for Rosaline!

Servant: And you can come too, as long as you're not a Montague. Anyways, I've got to go now. -leaves-

Romeo: Aww man, I'm a Montague.

Benvolio: Dude, we can always, like, crash the party.

Romeo: Benvolio! That's the best idea you've ever had!

Scene 3- An incredibly small room that is filled with cockroaches, paint, peeling off the wall, and it smells like a horse's butt and it's in the Capulet's house

Lady Capulet and Nurse are standing there, clueless, because they have no idea where Juliet is

Lady Capulet: Nurse, are you sure you looked everywhere?

Nurse: Yes, I even checked the outhouse, I can't find her.

Lady Capulet: Must I do everything? -takes a deep breath- JULIET!

Juliet: What is it now?

Lady Capulet: Nurse, go away, we need to speak about this alone. -Nurse leaves- Wait! Come back! -Nurse comes back- I can't remember how old she is!

Nurse: She's fourteen.

Lady Capulet: Fourteen? I thought she was thirteen!

Nurse: Well she'll be fourteen soon!

Lady Capulet: Anyways, Juliet, what do you think of getting married?

Juliet: NOOOOOO! -starts crying-

Lady Capulet: Why not?

Juliet: -sniffles-….it's….-sniffles-……not….that…..-sniffles-…..I BROKE A NAIL! -starts crying again-

Nurse: Oh for heaven's sake, a nail!

Lady Capulet: Juliet! Please tell me what you think of marriage!

Juliet: Marriage? But I don't wanna get married!

Lady Capulet: But why not! Especially since the man you have been arranged to marry is Count Paris! And he is a fine man to marry.

Nurse: He's like a flower, only made of wax.

Lady Capulet: You're not making any sense, Nurse! Juliet, marriage is a wonderful thing, especially if you're being married to Count Paris. When I was your age, I was already married and looked where I am now!

Nurse: Besides, if it weren't for men, women wouldn't get bigger.

Juliet: Are you saying I'm going to get fat if I marry! How dare you!

Nurse: No, I was saying that if you marry…

Juliet: Shut up! I don't wanna hear anymore of this! -leaves while Nurse and Lady Capulet stand there stunned-

Nurse: She doesn't understand, does she?

Lady Capulet: Well, her I.Q. is 87, which is below average.

Servingman: Hey people! The guests are here!

-Lady Capulet and Nurse leave-

Scene 4- Another filthy street, only this time, there's a few corpses lying around

We see Romeo (of course), Mercutio, Benvolio, and about five or six other maskers; torchbearer holding their noses because of the smell, a few of them have even fainted from the smell. Romeo, Mercutio, and Benvolio are desperately trying not to vomit and faint

Romeo: So, how do we get in again?

Benvolio: You see, man, we go in and tell them we're, like, noblemen from England and, like, we're here to party, and, like, we'll kill them if they, like, don't, like, let us in man.

Romeo: Benvolio, you're an idiot.

Benvolio: Whatever man.

Romeo: I still can't believe you're my cousin. Now give me a freakin torch!

Mercutio: No, first, you must dance!

Romeo: But I don't wanna dance!

Mercutio: Too bad! Dance, monkey, dance!

Romeo: Fine. -does an Irish jig- Happy?

Mercutio: Now you have to…

Romeo: Just give me the freakin torch!

Mercutio: Fine. -tosses him a lit torch, Romeo catches it by the lit end-

Romeo: -drops the torch and is holding his burnt hand- AAHH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY THE HELL DID YOU TOSS ME A LIT TORCH!

Mercutio: Because I thought it'd be funny.

Romeo: Well it's not! -picks up torch- Can we go now! I really want to see Rosaline.

Mercutio: Rosaline, Rosaline, Rosaline, is that all you ever think about!

Romeo: But, she's so beautiful…..

Mercutio: uugghhh……-lightbulb appears above his head- Romeo! I just thought of a way to get her out of your head!

Romeo: How?

Mercutio: -stands on top of a box and starts singing- THE HILLS ARE ALIVE! WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!

Romeo: -throws a corpse at him- Can you do something other than sing!

Mercutio: No, but did you really have to throw that thing at me? It smells!

Benvolio: Dudes, can we just go now?

Romeo: Fine, fine, let us go.

Scene 5- A hall in the Capulet's house that is filled with insects

We see some servants playing poker, then Capulet, Lady Capulet, Juliet, Tybalt, and the nurse start meeting the maskers. The servants immediately move their game to another room

Capulet: Welcome pathetic fools! I am the great and powerful Oz! Bow down to my power and tremble in fear! Tremble, I say! TREMBLE!

Shakespeare: WHO THE HECK IS OZ!

-servant throws a brick at Capulet, knocking him out cold. Everyone starts dancing-

Romeo: Does anyone here know where I can find Rosaline? Helloo…anyone?

Tybalt: I know that voice! It must be a Montague! Uunnnccllle! slaps Capulet on the head, waking him up Uncle, there's a Montague!

Capulet: I am the wizard of Oz, fear me! -faints-

Tybalt: Greeeaaat…..why must I do everything?

Romeo: -sees Juliet- Oh my God! It's the Virgin Mary!

Juliet: Uuuhh…no, I'm Juliet, but if you're looking for a Mary, there's one out there begging for food in the streets.

Romeo: Allow me to rephrase this: Oh my God! She's hot!

Juliet: But I feel fine.

Romeo: What I'm trying to say is that you're beautiful.

Juliet: Oh…why didn't you say that earlier?

Romeo: Can I…kiss you?

Juliet: Hmm….Okay! they kiss

Nurse: -sees them kissing- Aww…they make such a cute couple, too bad I have to break this up….JULIET!

Juliet: I have to go now. See ya later cutie!

Romeo: Hey nurse lady! Who is she!

Nurse: Her mother's Lady Capulet.

Romeo: She's a Capulet! NOOOO! -runs out crying-

Juliet: Nurse, who is that incredibly cute guy that kissed me?

Nurse: Romeo, of the Montagues.

Juliet: What's a Montague?

Nurse: -slaps herself in the face- Your family's sworn enemy.

Juliet: What? NOOOO! I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL! -runs out crying-

Nurse: Why must she be so dense! Why? -runs after her-

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Beware of insanity. BEWARE! Oh, and if you want to, review.