Chapter 1
"Present...Arms!" The honour guard snapped to attention. The air was cold and damp, it was raining lightly but constantly, yet the sound of their boots snapping on the ground had a dry sound to it. She stared straight ahead, her jaw tightly clenched, standing at attention, as immobile as any of the tombs around her.
"Fire!"
Seven ancient bolt action rifles fired one volley in the air. Birds scattered somewhere nearby, startled by the crackling of gunfire. Though if the birds were frequent denizens here, they would've been accustomed to sound by now. She was used to them. Well, not completely. No matter how many of these she'd been through, each volley was different, each volley a different wound, each wound its own place, it's own time, it's own set of circumstances, it's own name.
"Fire!"
Kaidan Alenko was the name now. Virmire was the place. 10 days ago. Was it only, really ten days? So much had happened since then. So much had changed. But one thing didn't. A soldier under her command was dead. Some things never change. The cemetery was on a hill overlooking Stanley Park. Beyond it rose the cityscape of Vancouver, beyond that lied the majestic Rocky Mountains, now enshrouded by mist and cloud. Kaidan had talked a lot about growing up here. About refusing to buy a raincoat or umbrella when he moved because nowhere else did it rain like in his hometown.
"Fire!"
The final volley fired. The shots echoed in the distance. An interminable silence ensued where time seemed to stop. Raindrops suspended in the air, the wind died. Then the bugler began playing taps. The dirge was accompanied by Mrs. Alenko's loud weeping. Mr. Alenko held his wife's arm. His face was wet, tears and rain mingled on his face. He had his son's vibrant eyes. Though now retired, he wore his dress uniform and looked dignified despite the obvious sorrow. Mrs. Alenko had her son's face. They were both in their fifties and Kaidan had been an only child. The legacy of the Alenko family resided in an empty coffin.
The pallbearers began folding up the Alliance flag. Admiral Hackett gathered the folded flag and presented it to the grieving parents. He spoke a few quiet words. Kara Shepard knew the words, she'd uttered them herself far too many times. On behalf of the President of the Earth Alliance, the Alliance Navy and a grateful planet, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's honourable and faithful service.
All assembled and saluted as the coffin was slowly lowered to the ground. This wasn't a snap salute that you normally gave. It was slow, deliberate, honouring Kaidan's service and sacrifice. They lowered their arms only when the coffin was fully interred. Then they were dismissed.
Shepard looked beside her to Ashley Williams. Ashley turned to look at her and nodded slightly, she wiped her face with her gloved hands. The crew of the Normandy was around them. Joker, Garrus, Wrex, Presley, Tali, Liara, all of them. They slowly made their way towards Mr. and Mrs. Alenko, an informal queue of well-wishers formed. There was a throng around them, family and other servicemen. Shepard stared straight ahead, not looking around. She felt boxed in, people on all sides, tightly crammed together. She wasn't really listening to the sounds around her. Focused on her internal world. What did I do wrong? She asked, no closer to an answer to that question than she'd been 10 days ago.
She found herself at the front of the procession. Major Alenko saw her and extended his hand. Kara shook his head. She was surprised when his other hand gripped her forearm.
"He told he me he was proud to have served with you. You were the finest commander he'd ever had." He said quietly, struggling to maintain his composure.
"It was an honour to have him in my command, sir." Shepard said quietly. "He died a hero. You have a lot to be proud of."
He nodded slightly, still gripping her with both hands. "I..." Shephard began, a lump materializing in her throat. She coughed, trying vainly to clear her throat. Major Alenko watched her patiently, still holding her.
"I wish there was..." Shepard stopped when she saw him shake his head.
"There was nothing you could have done." He said. "Do not blame yourself, Commander." He shook her hand for emphasis but his voice quivered. "He was a soldier. He gave his life for his fellow man. His death was not in vain. That is enough." He released her hand. With tears forming, Major Alenko saluted her. Shepard returned his salute.
Shepard now found herself in front of Mrs. Alenko. The woman reached for the Commander and hugged her. It was brief. The woman was doing her best to hold herself together, but was struggling. Frequently wiping tears from her face.
"I'm so sorry." Shephard said.
"He was really happy to be serving with you." She said, struggling to form coherent sentences. "Thank you for everything you did for him."
Not enough. She didn't know what else to say. There was an awkward pause and then Mrs. Alenko spoke with Ashley. Shepard walked away, people parted, moving away from her, as if they were afraid of touching her, as if she carried a virulent hex, as if she were a cursed wind spreading death and pestilence. They know about my nickname. She sighed, almost in relief, when she was away and alone. She looked around. Tombstones lined, row upon row, poppies and laurels upon them. The grass finely cut, the grounds impeccably maintained. It was all so peaceful and clean. Fitting that those who died in the throes of the world's oldest and most violent profession found rest here.
"You okay, skip?" Ashley appeared beside her. Shepard didn't look at her.
"I'm fine." She said, trying to sound firm but instead sounded the opposite. Shepard was hoping that was the end of this. But was surprised when Ashley gently touched her arm. Despite the cold dampness, a dry warmth seemed to emanate from there, and seemed to posses the ability to spread to the rest of her body.
"No, you're not." Ash said with quiet firmness. "Got any plans?"
Shepard turned to look at Ashley. Her hand dropped and Shepard felt something like disappointment at this. Ashley made no attempt to hide her concern. A friend's concern for one in need. She almost didn't recognize it.
"Plans?" Shepard said in a bewildered tone.
"Yeah," Ash said quietly. "What were you planning to do with the rest of your leave?"
"No idea." Shepard said, as if she was presented with a gift and had no idea of its purpose.
"Why don't you spend some time with me? Meet my family. You can crash in the spare bedroom." Ash ventured. Shepard's initial instinct was to say no. As if Ashley could read her thoughts, she spoke again, with greater firmness.
"It would do you some good." Maybe there was some truth to that. She liked to keep her own company, but every once in a while, it was good to hang out with someone else. Maybe this was one of those times. Maybe spending time with her would keep her busy, keep her away from the temptations of idleness.
"Okay. You're right." Kara said, forcing a weak smile. Relief passed over Ashley's face.
"Ready to go?" Ashley asked.
Shepard shook her head. "Wanna say goodbye to everyone and I have to hit the head."
"Okay. I'll meet you in the parking lot, skipper."
She found Anderson talking with Alliance brass, including Admiral Hackett. Anderson saw her coming. He separated himself from the crowd and walked towards her. They saluted another.
"How are you doing, Shepard?" Anderson asked, not bothering to finish his salute before he started talking.
"Okay, I guess." She answered, lowering her hand.
"Don't second guess yourself. There was nothing you could've done." He said firmly.
Shepard nodded perfunctorily. "Any idea about what's next?" She asked.
Anderson almost look relieved at the change in topic, though it was hardly a cheerful topic. "It looks like the Council is finally taking the Reaper threat seriously. We're formulating a plan, and you're going to be at the centre of it, but that can wait until your leave is finished."
"Sir, permission to come back from leave and return to duty immediately." Shepard said. Work. That was what she really needed. To be kept busy. To prepare for the Reapers. Ashley's family could wait.
"Denied." Anderson said flatly. "You're going to need to be well rested for what's ahead, Shepard. I have a feeling what's going to come in the next few months is going to pale in comparison to what just happened. Enjoy shore leave, it might be the last leisure time you have for a long time."
"Yes, sir." Shepard said. They saluted and parted company. Shepard made her way towards the chapel. There were groups of people scattered about, chatting amongst themselves. She saw various members from the Normandy mingling with strangers. Funerals were odd social events. She didn't look towards them, didn't see if they saw her, acknowledged her. It was better if she passed incognito, even if just for her own sake.
She was happy to be inside, her dress uniform was quite wet, clinging rather uncomfortably to her body. She made her way towards the washroom, down a hallway and around a corner. There was a group three marines there, 2 men and a woman, all junior officers, chatting quietly amongst themselves. They stopped talking the moment they saw her and fixed her with accusatory eyes. She pretended to ignore them but could feel their eyes hammering into her like stakes. Her pace quickened, almost running, and was relieved to find the ladies room empty.
After finishing her business in the stall she walked over to the sink and looked at herself in the mirror. Her blue eyes were bloodshot from the tears she'd been pushing back, from the grief, the strain and everything else. Her short blonde hair was darkened from being so wet. She removed her wet gloves and placed them on the sink's railing.
"Fucking Commander Shepard," She heard the marines talking outside. There were a few laughs, tainted by bitterness.
"First human Spectre? My left bollock would do a better job." Said the first voice.
"I knew something bad would happen when Alenko told me Shepard was his new CO." The female marines began.
"Did you ask him if he was scared working under Dead Shep?" The first marine asked.
"Yeah. Got pissed when I told him her nickname. Said it was bullshit."
"What's it mean?" The other male said. There were a few guffahs. The first voice then answered.
"Means someone always ends up dead under her. She got her whole team killed on Akuze. Hung 'em out to dry and she just hid and waited for a fucking bug to go away like some little girl. Gave her a bloody medal for that. Ripe load of bullocks. Now she got Alenko killed. Fuck." He sighed.
"Alenko was a top bloke, you know. Heart on his sleeve, and he always had your back if anything went tits up."
"Yeah, a soldier's soldier. Heart of gold." The female said. There was a silence among them.
"Come on," the first soldier said. "Let's go to the pub. We'll drink to Alenko."
She heard their footsteps as they walked away. Shepard gripped the porcelain railing of the sink hard, squeezing it, trying to crush it with her bare hands. She looked at the mirror, her hard blue eyes staring back at her. Dead Shep. Damn them! She lashed out, throwing her fist into the mirror, smashing it. The pain was sharp and searing as countless tiny shards dug into her skin.
"Fuck!" She cried out, staring at her bloodied and bleeding hand. It was equal parts pain, frustration, anger and sadness. She stared at it for a few moments, as if fascinated by the streams of blood, the tiny shards she could make out digging into her skin. She plugged the sink and filled it with water. She submerged her bleeding hand into the water.
The chlorine stung deeply and her body trembled. She continued to mumble curses to herself. There was no first aid kid in here, she hadn't refilled her Omni-Tool with medigel before leaving the Normandy. She couldn't just stumble out of a funeral in full dress uniform with a bleeding hand. With her free hand she pulled out two larger mirror shards. She swore under her breath. She heard footsteps outside. She swore under her breath. Just what she needed, some stranger stumbling in on her.
"Skipper?" Ashley came into the washroom. Fuck! Her eyes darted from the broken mirror to Shepard's bloodied hand. Shepard expected some form of condescension or reproach from her. Instead Ash just walked over to her. "Oh Captain, my captain." She whispered, almost soothingly. She grabbed Shepard's bloodied hand and activated her Omni-Tool. Medigel emitted from the comportment. The hot pain was replaced with a refreshing, cooling sensation as the mirrored shards were ejected from her skin and the wounds began to heal.
"Having a little sister like I do, you're prepared for anything." Ashley explained. Kara didn't know what to say. I'm her CO. She can't see me like this. I can't show weakness, doubt, fear. Ash gave her a warm smile. There wasn't a hint of judgement or disapproval in her. It dissipated the embarrassment she felt.
"Let's go." Ash said with a warm, comforting smile. Kara stood and smiled awkwardly. Then she grabbed her gloves and started out.
The rain had stopped for the moment though the sky remained a dull grey. They parted ways with the Normandy crew. Liara had been summoned to the Citadel by the asari government. Garrus was also recalled to the Citadel for further orders. Tali seemed uncomfortable here, being on Earth another reminder of her people's nomadic existence. She too was returning to the Citadel.
Kara spoke with Wrex last.
"Shepard."
"Wrex."
"This was a nice ceremony." He began. "Our ancient texts are filled with elaborate funeral rites. They would go on for days. If a battlemaster died in combat, his slayer or the slayer's kin would attend and be the first one to light the pyre. No one remembers them now thanks to the Genophage. You'd think there being fewer of us would make us value life more, but it's the other way. We spend our whole lives ranting about the genophage, but never do anything about it except kill ourselves. Life is cheap. We just don't care anymore." He sighed loudly. "I'm going back to Tuchanka. Following you around gave me this crazy idea that one person can make a difference. It's time we move on and make things better for ourselves. I might as well be the one to try."
"Good luck, Wrex." Kara said with genuine admiration. He'd come a long way in a short time. To know that she'd inspired this aged Krogan honoured her. She shook the krogan's hand firmly.
"If I can do anything to help you, I will." She said.
Wrex nodded. "I know I can rely on you. You've got yourself quite a quad. Later, Shepard."
"Later Wrex."
She eagerly left the funeral, she spied Ashley in the parking lot, and her mood brightened, if only slightly. Maybe they're right. Maybe this is what I need. Who knows? I might actually have fun.
