Frank Longbottom stood outside King's Cross Station on September 1st waiting for his friends to board the Hogwarts Express. There he saw the strangest looking girl he had ever seen in his life. She walked in wearing the tightest pants he had ever seen in his life. Her hair resembled flames licking the top of her head. She wore mainly black and he had never seen her in his entire life. After all of his friends showed up, they walked to Platform 9 ¾ like they have done 5 years in a row. "Wow. Fifth year." Frank said to his friends as he held Alice's hand.
"I know! I can't believe we only have 3 years left in Hogwarts!" Kat cried, hugging Remus.
"Aah calm down guys. It's going to feel like forever before we get out of that cold building." said Alex reproachfully.
"What would you know about this school, Alex," said Farrah shortly, "you spend all of our lessons sleeping under your robes!"
"Oh. Yeah." said Alex, realizing her fault in speaking that way of the castle.
"Well, let's get on the train…" said Lissa as she ran straight into the brick wall, elegantly sliding through to the realm of magic on the other side.
"Yup." said Ryann as he followed his girlfriend into the wall.
Everyone got on the train and nestled themselves neatly into a compartment, which James had magiked to make it bigger.
Then, she walked by again. Frank asked everyone if they had ever seen her at Hogwarts.
"No." said Sirius. "But I would tap that shit." He added jokingly.
"EW… no. Sirius, she looks like a complete skank!" Kat responded with a slight tone of disappointment in her voice at her friend's desire for promiscuous affairs with various girls at Hogwarts.
"Whoever she was, she looked easier than an exam with the answers on the back." said Frank jokingly.
"Why do you even care, Frank?" asked Alice suspiciously.
"You know that I love you only." said Frank sincerely. "Frank is a V. I. P. resort, babe." He said conceitedly.
"Oh, okay." said Alice sarcastically.
"I'm going to go talk to her." said Frank.
"Me too!" said Farrah, Kat, and Lissa all at once.
They walked out into the train and found her. They saw she was sitting in a compartment all by herself and decided to talk to her.
"Hey, I'm Kat." Kat said brightly.
"Oh… hey. I'm Justine Colbie Pennier. I just moved here from the Nevada in the U.S."
"Oh that's cool, I'm Frank." said Frank kindly.
"Oh cool. Can you please go away?" she remarked rudely.
"What's wrong?" said Lissa.
"I just got out of the wizard prison in America. I was there because I apparently caused a disturbance in the muggle world. Something about killing someone's kid. I don't care. I'm only here because my dad didn't really care about me anymore so he sent me to live with foster parents for a while. God… I could go for a mandrake leaf right now." She said quickly, as if she had to force the words out.
"Oh… but aren't mandrake leaves illegal to have unless you have a license because of their drug-like characteristics?" asked Lissa innocently.
"So? I do them all the time." Justine said blatantly.
"Well it's bad for you. It can make you have seizures and drive you to insanity.
Said Lissa caringly.
"I don't care if I die. I roll with death eaters. It's all cool." Justine said nonchalantly
"Okay…" said Kat, rolling her eyes and walking out of the compartment.
"Yeah, I'd better go with her too." said Lissa, as if Kat was her puppet master.
"NO DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HER! Hey Justine… You know, I think what you're doing is just great. Bye." said Frank, hurrying out of the compartment as well.
Farrah walked down the hall of the Hogwarts Express and opened what thought to be the compartment of Justine Pennier. Strange, the blind was pulled down on the window, she thought, but not too weird. She walked in and saw Lucius Malfoy naked sitting on Severus Snape's lap, who was also naked. Narcissa was sitting in the corner, obviously told by Lucius to sit this one out.
"Umm… I'll just be going to find Justine… then." Said Farrah awkwardly.
"Oh you're not going anywhere." Said Lucius threateningly. He drew his wand and stunned Farrah as she was walking out.
"Protego!" shouted Farrah as she wheeled around to face the two strangely naked men.
"AVADA-" Lucius began.
"Expelliarmus" shouted Farrah as the wand shot out of Lucius's hand.
"Petrificus Totalus!" she said as a she flicked her wand casually at the momentarily confused Lucius. He became hard as a stone and fell to the floor.
Next, Snape came after her and drew his wand.
"Don't think so, greasy. Locomotor Mortis." She said waving her wand like an artist with a paintbrush.
At that very moment, Snape's legs locked together and he fell to the floor with a loud thud.
"Whatever." Said Narcissa, obviously thinking this as karma because of her boyfriend's lack of caring for her whatsoever.
"Thought so you stupid bitch." Said Farrah fiercely, still angry at Narcissa for setting her spell books on fire last year. "Locomotor fags."
Lucius and Snape both levitated about a foot into the air and followed Farrah's wand, still naked into the hallway of the train. She let them down with a thud and levitated them with wingardium leviosa and left them there for the school to see.
Farrah walked down to the compartment and found the gang still sitting there, waiting for her. They had bought her a mountain of candy and she knew she wouldn't be hungry for the feast. Frank obviously had too much firewhiskey and candy, because he was stumbling around the compartment making bad jokes and occasionally throwing up on someone's lap. He finally sat down next to Alice, passed out on her shoulder and started snoring.
Farrah looked at Alice. "He's a keeper."
"But… he doesn't play Quidditch…" said Alice, not getting the joke.
"And we're lucky he doesn't." said Farrah in retort.
"I -hiccup- lovvveeeee youuuu!" Frank mumbled, waking up from his drunken coma.
"Oh look, Frank, you dropped something…" said Lissa, seeing a galleon that had dropped out of Frank's pocket.
"Oh… wait…. Wha?" said Frank confusedly.
"Yes, your dignity." Said Farrah sharply.
"Yeah, well… we-… well I'm a.. wait. No. You're a… you're a fat… Nope… umm… What?' stuttered Frank in his drunken madness.
"Exactly." Said Farrah, and continued on to explain her adventures with naked death eaters.
"Wow…" said Kat trailing off into her own thoughts.
They arrived at Hogwarts and got onto the carriages. They saw Justine get onto a rowboat, because, technically, she was a first-year at the school. When she got in, the back of the boat got weighed down because no one wanted to get in it with her because she smelled like mandrake. It quickly filled with water and flipped. The carriage pulled away before Frank could see anymore. They bursted out with laughter and got out of the carriage and walked (Frank stumbled) up the stairs and into the Great Hall where the first-years and a sopping wet fifth-year would be waiting to be sorted.
"Abbott, Harrison." Gryffindor.
"Acerson, Kevin." Ravenclaw.
"Accin, Mackenzie." Slytherin.
"Adams, Gregory." Hufflepuff.
The sorting hat went on and on. Finally:
"Princeton, Hayley." ("AWWWWWWWW! LOOK AT HER, THE LITTLE BEDWETTER!" yelled Farrah, upsetting her sister.) Ravenclaw.
Again, the sorting resumed without a mumble from the crowd except for the occasional cheering of the houses when someone was sorted into them.
"Zutler, George." Hufflepuff.
"I always did like the name George." Said Molly Prewett from down the table.
"Well I personally like Fred." Said Arthur Weasly, holding her hand.
"Well we can compromise, dear." Said Molly Prewett sympathetically and caringly. She would really make a good mother, even though she tended to nag a lot.
"Some wisdom for the newcomers to this school and a refresher for all the returning students," Dumbledore announced, "Antidisestablishmentarianism, blooper, twiddle, and dribble. Thank you."
They ate their feast and went to bed.
