October 30, 2014

How many times have I been furious with Damon in the past and said I hated him? Locked him up, even, and not been all that torn up about it? But, I guess I knew that even during all those times, as mad as I was, he would still be there at the end of it. Now that I finally know what it's like to have him really be gone….well, turns out he's the glue. Sure, Damon's screwed up, badly. But, it's not like I can't say the same for myself if I'm being honest, past few months not excluded. With Damon gone, we all broke apart. I tried to start over, as if I hadn't learned by now that you can never really run from your problems however hard you try. And I did try, leaving all my problems behind for everyone else to deal with while I ran off several states away with a different way of passing time. I succeeded only in managing to push away the only people I still had left who could possibly begin to understand. But, that was the thing. For however much they cared and meant well, they still couldn't understand the 150+ years of history me and my brother have. It's messy and complicated, but he's still my big brother.

Even when I didn't deserve it, for all the times I've turned him away, he never returned the favor. Damon was always there, whether I wanted him to be or not. And I don't think I've given him nearly enough credit for that. Never realized just how much I really needed him to be there. Maybe that's too much to put on him, but I just know that everything fell apart when he wasn't here. And I didn't even know where he might have gone; that was the worst thing. For the first time in awhile, eternity suddenly seemed like a very long time without my brother. I had missed him so badly it seemed like the pain would never stop until it consumed me from the inside out and I felt like I was going crazy. Hell, I'd even started talking to the stagnant air in the family crypt, for crying out loud. Like that would solve anything. How pathetic can I get, right?

And then, suddenly, he was just there. With one smart ass line to immediately try and make everything alright, like always. In the past, I'd probably make a retort about that. But, in that moment, I can't recall ever having been happier or, certainly, more relieved. I'm sure Damon would mock the hell out of me for writing about all this. I can't promise that there won't be a time in the future that I'll be back to hating him, but maybe I'll know to give him a little more credit. I just know that right now, there's nothing about my brother's smart alec, cavalier attitude I'd changed for the world. Because, for the first time in a long time, it feels like a miracle happened: I have my big brother back.