Author's Note
This will be a collection of most of the fan fictions I've written and then had to delete. I deleted them because all my stories were mass-flamed by a troll called Kovu 01. Rather than let this bastard get satisfaction from seeing me quit, I turned it into a new beginning. I'm moving on to bigger and better things. But for the sake of nostalgia, I'm keeping all my previous fanfics and putting them on this as separate chapters. So, from me, read, enjoy and please review. Concrit is welcome; however, flames will be ignored.
Anarchy and Breakfast Juice
"Oh Naruto, your so funny, cute, clever and way better than Sasuke" giggled Sakura, sitting by the pool in a deck chair.
"Believe it!" Naruto grinned as he climbed out of the pool and sat next to her. "And I'm a great kisser" he winked, leaning over to Sakura, suddenly aware that her bikini had slipped. She leaned across, her lips coming ever closer...
"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" someone screamed. Sirens blared and red lights danced around MABE (Manga and Anime Board of Entertainment) headquarters. Naruto sat bolt upright in bed.
"What the..." Naruto blinked and looked around. Then he realised. He'd been dreaming. "AWWW! C'mon!" whined Naruto, flopping back down in bed. "All just a dream!?" he yelled to someone above. "...and I was just getting to the good bit!"
EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
The siren continued to ring, despite Naruto's need for sleep. He sighed. Another boring day of studies coming right up, he thought. He dragged himself out of bed, promising it he would return soon. His feet dragged over the grey-blue carpet as he trudged out to the kitchen. Sakura was waiting for him. She'd been half way through a bowl of cereal when the demented siren had started.
"What's with all the noise? It's only 8 o'clock in the morning!" he whined, finally noticing that it wasn't his alarm clock. He collapsed onto the lounge, almost gagging on the 'new lounge smell'. "And why the hell did we need a new lounge! It smells like paint stripper!" he continued to whine, still hurting from the abrupt end of his dream.
"You really need me to answer?" she sighed. Good old Naruto, she thought, gets up in the same mood every time. Naruto moaned a yes from his face down position on the new lounge, looking like he was drowning in a (toxic smelling) marshmallow.
"Ok, first: No idea, it started at around 6 this morning and as you can tell, it's still going. Second: the old lounge was mauled to death because someone invited Kiba over and forgot to tell him to leave Shicamaru at home" said Sakura, pointing a look of doom in Naruto's direction. She then disappeared into the bathroom and did not emerge for a half-hour. When she came out, Naruto was face down in a puddle of his own drool, snoring. "Naruto...?" she called. She came right over and yelled in his ear. "NARUTO! WAKE UP!" her voice seemed to echo around in his head. No signs of intelligent life, she thought. Sakura knew he wouldn't be awake for at least another hour, so she scrawled a note and taped it to Naruto's head. Before she left, she poked him in the side to see if he was awake. No reactions, just the snoring. She sighed and left, shutting the door quietly behind her.
Sakura hurried down the hallway, towards the secretary's desk. Hinata had been on admin duty for 12 hours (due to a lack of staff, the characters had to take turns on admin duty, usually for several days in a row). Hinata lay sprawled over a bed of 'Naruto Homicide Request' forms. Sakura grimaced. The print from the forms had rubbed of on Hinata's face, giving her an un-dead look to match her mental state. Sakura leaned forward and shook her, hoping she would be conscious enough to give some meaningful answers.
"Hinata...Hinata?" Sakura shook Hinata and finally got a response.
"Mmmmmmmm?"
groaned Hinata, looking up from the paperwork. 'What?" she
moaned, rubbing her face to regain some feeling.
"Why's
there a siren going off?" said Sakura. The wailing was really
getting annoying. It makes meditation almost impossible.
"Rmmmmrrrrrcrrrrrt" drooled Hinata, still half asleep. Sakura sighed. One wake up call coming up, she thought with a mischievous grin. She jogged off down the E Block hallway towards Ino's room, almost laughing at the evil of her plan. Five minutes later, she was back with a plastic mug of some dark green, unidentifiable liquid. Hinata was trying to rub out a word on the computer screen with an eraser.
"Mmm…pencil no spelt right..." she drooled, still trying to rub out the text in the word processor. I hope it's enough, thought Sakura, staring at the pathetic mindless zombie sitting before her.
"Hinata, coffee!" she yelled, holding out the mug.
"Coffeeeeeee" Hinata drooled. Good thing she's mentally comatose, thought Sakura, eyeing the green liquid dubiously. Hinata took the mug and sculled. She suddenly stopped. The mug fell from her hands. Her eyes almost popped out.
"BLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!" she gagged. 'Water!" she said, flailing around so much she fell back onto the rubber-tree plant and started rolling on the floor clutching her throat. Sakura was already holding out a disposable cup-full. Ino's homemade breakfast juice did that to people. Hinata snatched the cup, practically throwing the water down her throat. Hey, thought Sakura, how come Ino's the only one who can drink that stuff without having a fit? Hinata finished flailing and stood up blinking.
"Sakura-san? W-what are you doing here? "She said, finally rediscovering her brain. She lives, thought Sakura triumphantly.
"What's with the siren?" she asked again. Hinata scrambled around the jungle of paper and stationary, she eventually emerged, looking through a thick file.
"Says here that the siren only sounds when anime popularity levels hit rock bottom..." she said. The realisation hit her.
"Oh no!" she gasped. She jumped the desk and grabbed the phone, pushing the red button labelled 'Emergency'. The siren stopped, silence descended once more on the facility. A pre-recorded (nasal sounding) message rang clearly through the complex.
"Attention all characters, an emergency meeting has been called, calmly make your way to the address hall"
Tea came jogging out to the desk, red in the face and out of breath.
"What's going on?" she wheezed, jogging on the spot. Hinata's head was nodding up and down, trying to track Tea's face.
"People have stopped watching anime," she said calmly like it happened all the time.
"Oh, right...WHAT?!" Tea stopped jogging, staring with near-rupture eyes. "What are we going to do?! We're going to lose our jobs and have to work on game shows!" she cried hysterically. "How are we going to survive?! The world is over..."
Hinata and Sakura looked at each other, and then back at Tea, who had degenerated to regrets of not confessing her love to Yami.
"I-I think it's your turn..." Hinata sighed. Sakura walked over to the sobbing heap.
"Pull yourself together, women!" she yelled, pulling her up to eye level and shaking Tea violently. "We'll deal with the problem without the hysterics, thanks!" she said forcefully. She then stopped shaking and turned to Hinata.
"C'mon, we've got a damage control meeting to deal with" she walked purposefully away, towards the hall with Hinata hurrying along beside her. Tea stood staring after her, shocked at the steel of Sakura's will. She's an inspiration to us all, Tea thought. Then she saw a discarded mug of lying on the floor. Ohhh, coffee, she thought as she bent down to retrieve the cup and drank what was left.
At the hall, people where filing through the doorway, looking disorientated and annoyed. The noise in the hall was near deafening; the sound of thousands of people yelling over each other seemed to reverberate and build in the small building. Sakura paced backstage, the tight feeling inside her building with each question that joined the swarm buzzing in her head. Where's Professor Oak? He's supposed to be here! Is he ok? How's everyone going to take the news? Oh god…what if he doesn't come?! Who's going to tell them? She paced some more. What if I have to tell them?! She felt like she was going to explode. What if there's a riot? The image of her calming a coursing throng of rioting characters seemed ridiculous. Her head throbbed. What are we going to do to keep our careers going with reality TV killing them? A door banged open at side-stage.
"Sakura-san!"
Sakura screamed, flinging a kunai at the door. The kunai hit the pulley system and sliced through the prop support rope. There was a creak of wooden supports and every prop left over from the annual MABE musical fell down on Hinata, covering her in a pile of cardboard cars, clouds and Las Vegas lights.
Sakura came over to help, yanking one of the white sleeved protruding limbs in the pile and hoping it was Hinata's.
"Hinata?" said Sakura as she pulled the first appendage. It was a cardboard waiter. "Hinata?" The next was a surgeon. "Hinata!" she called into the rubble, getting very annoyed. Props flew through the air in a storm of cardboard and plaster as she burrowed through the pile. Suddenly Hinata's head emerged from the wreckage, gasping for air. Sakura helped her to her feet, apologising repeatedly.
"I'm so sorry Hinata!" she gasped. "Are you okay?"
"F-fine, S-Sakura-san. It wasn't your fault, j-just bad workmanship," said Hinata, shaking the rubble from her hair. The door flew open again, pushing the kunai through another support rope. Another avalanche of props fell on the two, winding Sakura. She lay there, gagging and gasping, trying to breathe again when a pair of hands grasped her by the collar and dragged her from the rubble. She looked up to see Naruto's smiling face, completely oblivious to his part in the prop-slide.
"Gees you're clumsy Sakura-san" he laughed, indicating the pile of props.
"Ahhh! NARUTO I'M GOING TO…" Sakura's homicide attempt was interrupted by a tiny voice from the pile.
"S-Sakura-san?" Hinata croaked from inside a mudslide of props. She was face to face with a smiling cat.
"SAKURA!" she yelled, her voice muffled by the avalanche. Sakura stopped strangling Naruto and sighed. She walked calmly over to the pile and yanked Hinata from the 2nd prop-slide.
"Wow, you too Hinata?" he grinned stupidly. "Well, I guess we can't all be as coordinated and graceful as me" he said chuckling annoyingly. He turned and attempted to walk back out the door. Which was shut. Needless to say Sakura (and secretly Hinata) fell into a heap on the floor laughing.
"Oh that felt good" Sakura sighed, getting up and wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes. "But we have to deal with the mob". That banished the smiles faster than a bottle of prune juice.
"What are we going to do if Professor Oak doesn't show up?" asked Hinata worriedly. "If someone doesn't go out and tell them soon, things could go bad".
"Great! If we tell them, there'll be a riot, if we don't, there'll be a riot. If we sit here and wait for Professor Oak, there's going to be a riot. I guess one of us is going to have to go out there and do it" Sakura groaned, rubbing her face in frustration. Then the (ironically) unthinkable conclusion hit her. "We'll have to go on without him" she sighed, biting the bullet at last.
Hinata paled. She peaked out from the curtain across the mob of anime characters, which had become increasingly violent.
"C-can I s-stay here" she squeaked, imagining herself being trampled in the riot, one small person among a sea of annoyed rioters.
"C'mon, you can survive Ino's cooking, you can survive this" said Sakura, putting on an act of confidence as much to convince herself as Hinata. She dramatically swept back the curtain and strode out onto the stage.
Tea watched her go from above in the spotlight deck, still unable to taste anything after her 'coffee' induced fit. She's an inspiration to us all, she thought. Then there was a creak and a spotlight came loose from the ceiling and landed on her head, showering her in smoke and sparks.
"Oh, pretty lights!" she giggled, then fell over backwards unconscious. Goku walked in to find Tea unconscious under a smoking (and sparking) severed spotlight. He gasped and ran over, dragging the light off her.
"Oh, god Tea, wake up!" he cried. A spark from the fallen spotlight jumped into the mountain of hair (gel). Goku hugged Tea close and wept, then suddenly smelt something burning. Hey, wait a minute, he thought, my hair gel is flammable! He dropped Tea and ran screaming from the room, his hair a blazing (chemically-enhanced) bonfire.
Hinata slunk onstage, hoping no one would notice her if she kept quiet. Much to her dismay, the spotlights (which had been re-staffed) zeroed in, blinding her. Sakura unclipped the wireless microphone and tossed it to Hinata, who missed it while she stumbled around the stage trying to regain her vision. The microphone fell to the ground.
EEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKK
The feedback sent a Mexican Wave of shudders across the mob. However, they recovered almost instantly at the sight of a potential blame figure for their annoyance at being dragged out of bed before lunchtime. All eyes locked on to Hinata who felt almost like she was shrivelling under their gazes.
"Ah…e-excuse me" she mumbled into the microphone. Feedback accompanied her feeble request. The crowd lost interest and reverted back to the self-competitive tidal wave of conversation. Sakura cringed at the rejection. She walked forward and took the microphone from Hinata, who'd frozen like an animal caught in front of a car's headlights. Sakura then proceeded to bang her hand on the top of the microphone. The deafening feedback rang through the cramped hall. The crowd turned back to the new hate-figure and fell silent. Sakura felt every volt of hostility those 1000's of gazes held but swallowed and continued.
"Anime character, welcome to the emergency meeting. Thanks for coming! How are you all?" she smiled. The crowd replied with a chorus of Booooooo's and volleys of empty bottles.
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" she yelled. "Recently, there's been a new interest Reality TV" she ventured. "Two shows can't be on at the same time so they've canned us for Survivor".
The crowd was silent, staring in horror at the news. Sakura cursed violently.
Tea's dreams of bluebirds tweeting 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow" came to an abrupt end when the singing drove her insane and sent her on a gun massacre, killing many, many fuzzy little birds. She got up; stumbling as the floor suddenly lurched to one side. She fell ungracefully back down, annoyed, pained by a chainsaw of a headache but still alive. She felt her head for injuries and found the mother of all lumps on the back of her head. She winced as she brushed it with her fingers a little to roughly. Using the office chair as a support, she got to her feet. Then the chair slid out from under her and she was sent stumbling around the room. She tripped over some wires and fell out of the balcony down into a pile of sports mats left over from last weeks Animated Olympics. The weight from her fall triggered the collapse of the pile on top of her.
The crowd was so horrified; they didn't notice the muffled cries for help coming from the pile of collapsed sports mats. Sakura, horrified at her own directness, was about to run back behind stage when professor Oak clattered in the door, almost flying into a stage dive and cursing the cleaner's choice in floor wax.
"Sorry I'm late everyone, I needed to finish some (clears throat) experiments" he apologised. He walked over to Sakura who was about to give him a lecture about how he'd decided to show up after she'd broken the news to the crowd. "Thankyou for your help but I'll take it from here"
"But I just did everything already!" she seethed. If it had been anyone else she'd have wrung their neck.
"Now, now Sakura" he soothed. "There's much more to being a leader than speeches." Sakura's blood pressure jumped a notch.
"Yeah, so what were those experiments that ran you late?" she enquired innocently.
"Uh…um…very important ones. Top secret. I'd love to share the details but I have a mob to contend with" he spluttered, looking very much put off by the unwelcome question. He snatched the microphone and began what he called 'mass management'.
"Ladies, gents and animals! How are you?" he grinned. My people, he thought. The crowd was silent, barely anyone moved. A few looked like they'd forgotten how to blink. "Ladies and gents?" A cricket chirped in the background.
"Sakura, what have you done?" he sighed.
"I just told them what happened," she argued.
"WHAT!?" exclaimed Professor Oak. "You told them the truth! You never tell the mob anything but what you want them to hear! Look at all the great leaders in history: George Bush never told the public the truth! Not even when they rioted, Sr. Edmund Barton didn't even tell his wife the truth! If we told the truth, we wouldn't ever stay leader for long!" Professor Oak was running out of breath. "If I told the truth, people would be burning down my laboratory as we speak!' he wheezed. He really needed to retire soon, he'd already had 3 hip replacements and he wasn't getting any younger. "I think I'll go sit down," he rasped, suddenly looking unwell. Sakura sighed (again).
As Prof. Oak passed, she plucked the microphone from his hand and gave the crowd another dose of feedback before continuing.
"Ok, what are we going to do about it?" she asked forcefully. The crowd suddenly started blinking again and some even started speaking.
"Our lives are over! We'll be forgotten, jobless and we'll have to work on game shows to survive!" sobbed Mimi (Digimon).
"We're doomed!" cried Misty, hanging off Yuko (XXXHolic) sobbing hysterically.
"Hey, you're ruining my enigmatic garment!" she exclaimed, pushing Misty into Inuyasha who pushed her back.
"I don't want her! I've already got a hysterical, emotional female side-character!" he snapped, as Kagome sobbed on his shoulder. Misty missed Yuko and fell onto Itatche who turned around and floored Inuyasha with a roundhouse kick.
"Hey!" exclaimed Kagome. "I was sobbing on him!" She picked up a (conveniently located) plastic chair and beat him to the ground with it.
"Yeah! Girl power!" cheered Ino, clapping.
"More like lucky hit" murmured Sasuke. Ino's head snapped around.
"What did you say!" she screeched. "I don't care what the TV show says, I'm gonna wring your drop-dead gorgeous neck!" Ino lunged at him, putting him in a chokehold and accidentally knocking Gohan over onto Astro-boy. Both meekly apologised and shook hands.
(Intervention by the writer)
Suddenly for no apparent reason, Snorlax tripped over, squashing Gohan and Astro-boy on the floor like ants. Suddenly his bulk was raised from the floor by the two and Snorlax was sent flying through the air and into the stage.
"INCOMING" yelled Sakura; jumping to the floor as the large Pokemon flew overhead, knocking Hinata into the back wall of the stage. Sakura went running back to help Hinata who was pinned to the wall behind the obese Pokemon.
"Get the hell of her you great fat piece of…"
The mayhem was incredible. Every single character was in an all out slugfest with whoever was closest when Snorlax came running out from backstage crying; several kunai sticking out from it's gelatinous lower back with Sakura close behind, sporting a look that would send an axe murder running for mummy. Snorlax was cornered at front stage, blocking out the lights and casting a gigantic shadow over the mass brawl. Everyone stopped, some in the middle of a neck-breaker. Everyone knew that there was only one place it could go. Sakura closed in.
"Hope you got health insurance" she cackled manically. Snorlax weighed up its options: face the berserk pink-haired maniac or jump. Not much of a choice really. It jumped. The whole crowd screamed, trying to escape but there were too many people.
(A bit more writer intervention)
Snorlax floated gently to the ground (which was no longer covered by brawling anime/Manga characters). Everyone sighed in relief. Sakura seemed to regain her senses and continued.
"Any ideas besides hysterical sobbing?' she asked hopefully.
"We could kill them in an epic battle that would go for 20 episodes" grinned Goku, his replacement hair slipping slightly. Hinata crawled onstage looking bruised, beaten but otherwise okay.
"W-we could buy our own station a-and air our show th-there" she wheezed. Sakura stared in shock. It was simple, brilliant and might even work.
"Who votes for Hinata's idea?" asked Sakura. A sea of raised hands met her suggestion. "And who votes for Goku's idea?" One hand (and a spiky wig) went up. "Well that settles it; we start anime TV in a week, prepare your shows and let's give Big Brother a sock in the mouth!" Thunderous cheers and applause met her speech.
Now review!!!
