A Reason to Stay
Beth Jones
"I'm moving. To LA." He just said it. Just threw it right out there like it was no big deal. "Oh." It was all I could say. We just looked at each other, waiting to see who would be the first to say what we were both feeling. Before one of us could get it out, Garrett popped his head into my office. "Jordan you have to..oh, hey Woody, good thing you're here you and Jordan can ride together." He said. "To What?" Woody said as his pager beeped loudly demanding his attention. He furrowed his brow as he pulled the chirping annoyance off of his belt and read the message. "Guess." Garrett said pointing to the little black pager in Woody's hand, and closing the door in front of him with a thud. Woody and I glanced at each other again. "You ready?" He asked and I wasn't sure for which discussion he was referring. I hesitated and I think he picked up on what I was thinking. I just nodded silently and followed him out the door. When we got to my SVU I silently opened the driver's side door and hopped in. Woody followed and took the passenger's seat. When we had been driving for almost a minute in silence, me paying attention to the road, Woody paying attention to anything but me, he finally continued with the conversation we had been having in my office.
"It's not for sure yet. I was asked to join this real elite kind of police team out there." He waited patiently for me to respond. I tried to be happy for him. "Really?..That's..great Woody. I'm really happy for you." I think I pulled off being sincere. It was a tough thing to do though. Woody looked back out the window. "Yeah," he said and sighed. "I'd be making better money that's for sure." He said with a half-hearted chuckle.
"It's a dream job for any cop." I just nodded with feigned enthusiasm. "Well, you should...we should celebrate." I said trying to lighten the mood. Woody quickly responded. "Yeah.but well, I don't know if I'm gonna take it yet." There was another awkward silence before I said, "What are you cracked? You just said it's a dream job! Why wouldn't you take it?" I thought maybe he'd give me some kind of answer. He didn't. "Well, I'm just gonna wait and make sure I'm doing the right thing." He said but it didn't answer my question. I don't know. Maybe that IS what I wanted. "Why don't you come over for dinner tonight? But this time I'll cook." I said and smiled. Woody turned a little in his seat and looked at me. "Oh.okay. Sure. That sounds good." He said and smiled weakly.
Later that night I was making dinner when I heard a knock at my door. "Come in Woody it's open!" I called from the kitchen. I heard the door open cautiously and then close softly. Woody peeked around the corner as I was just pulling lasagna out of the stove. "Ooo.lasagna!" Woody said sniffing the air. "Smells good." He said finally offering a genuine smile. I put the large dish down in the middle of the kitchen table and threw the mitts to Woody requesting he put them on the counter. He shook his head and carried them to the counter, giving me an opportunity to look over what he was wearing. 'Not bad', I thought glancing from the brown loafers up his legs clad in a pair of khaki dress pants and finally to the cream colored turtleneck that fit just the right amount of tight to his well-defined chest. His hair was mussed a little, a big change from the usual meticulous way in which he wears it for work. I had to admit it was kind of sexy. Alright, it was really sexy. When he turned back towards me I watched his eyes travel shamelessly from head to toe of me. "Wow, you look.beautiful." He said looking a little exasperated. I felt a little blush climb up my cheeks. "Your not so bad yourself farm boy." I said wagging my eyebrows at him. Woody turned a little pink himself and I motioned to the table. "Please, sit." I said and Woody hurried to the table pulling out a seat, apparently for me. "Ladies first." He said motioning for me to sit. I smiled and thanked him, sitting and allowing him to push my seat gently in. He took the seat across from me and picked up the wine bottle chilling beside the table, pouring a glass for each of us. We toasted and sipped the wine before I picked up a spatula and began to dish out the lasagna. We talked about nothing much during dinner. Especially not the issue of him moving to LA. When we were finished, Woody offered to help wash the dishes.
"A man that doesn't mind doing 'women's work'?! What more could a girl ask for?" I said laughing and handed Woody a few dishes to take to the sink. He carried them over and set them on the counter before turning and pulling the turtleneck off and throwing it a few feet away onto the couch. "Ah-ha! I knew you couldn't be completely infallible." I said smiling as I picked the shirt up and folded it nicely replacing it on the couch. Woody was turning the short sleeves of his clean white undershirt up as he turned and smiled at me. "Ah shucks.I was hoping I could slip that one by you." He said turning back to the sink. He was leisurely rinsing and cleaning dishes as I placed them on the counter next to him. We told stories about having to clean dishes as children and it seemed to be going well between us, thoughts of his possible move now far out of our minds. As Woody was running the last dish under the water I took the opportunity to come slowly up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. I rested my chin on his strong shoulder and sighed. Woody tensed up slightly but continued with the dishes. He didn't make any other acknowledgement as to the clear signals I was sending other than the tensing. "You know it's a shame you're leaving," I said deeply. "I was just starting to warm up to the thought of us getting together." I said and began to kiss his neck. Completely throwing me off guard, Woody turned abruptly to face me. "You know I thought maybe I was just being dumb, but it's true, you really are that way aren't you?" He said angrily. "Woody? I don't understand what you're." He cut me off sharply. "Oh please Jordan, you know exactly what you do! Every time I've tried to go out with you you've turned me down because of some ridiculous, completely irrational fear that you're gonna get hurt!" I cut him off this time. "Woody, I have no clue what you're.." He cut in again. "Oh, come on Jordan. You wouldn't have done this," he said referring to the my sink groping, "you wouldn't have even invited me over tonight if I hadn't told you I was leaving!" He said painfully. I stood dumbfounded for a minute. "Where the hell did that come from? And where do you get off telling ME what I'M thinking?" I said walking towards the front door. Woody followed quickly. "I thought I was just imagining it at first but now I can see that it's true.You're so terrified of getting close to anyone.afraid that they'll hurt you, that the only time you're interested in them is if you're sure they're not sticking around!" I stood with my mouth gaping open. "That's insane! I do NOT do that Woody!" I said crossing my arms defiantly.
"Oh, but you do Jordan. Without even knowing it you do. But you know what? If that's how you have to cope with life that's fine, but I'm not like that. I care very deeply for you. And I don't want to be another one of your unending parade of nameless, meaningless sexual relationships. I don't want to be hurt either!" I could do nothing but stare madly at the door. "I think you should leave." I said as I felt hot tears stinging behind my eyes. "That's fine." He said grabbing his sweater off the couch and pulling his black leather coat from the coat hanger next to me. He didn't bother to put either on, just opened the door, walked out and left. I stood for a moment, infuriated and then slammed the door shut and locked it. I leaned with my back to the door for a second sighing heavily and looking at the floor. Then without warning, the tears that had been threatening to spill out of my eyes did just that. I began to sob, an ache pulling in my chest that was completely foreign to me. I felt like my chest was going to be crushed by the pain. I slid to the floor and sat Indian style holding my chest and sobbed. When I finally regained my composure, I stood and walked exhaustedly to my room. I laid down on top of the sheets and curled into a little ball before drifting off to sleep. When I woke up I stretched and popped and slinked into the bathroom to take a shower. I looked out the bathroom window. It was gloomy and wet and raining. Well at least it fit my mood. I showered quickly, got dressed and went to work. When I dragged myself into the morgue, I nodded a greeting at Lily as I made my way to my office. "Hey Jordan, did you hear that Woody is moving to LA?" She asked following me to my office door. I sighed heavily before turning to face her. "Well, he said he wasn't sure yet, he might or he might not." I said smiling weakly. Lily looked at me quizzically. "Ac..actually he was just here about 15 minutes ago, he's leaving tonight? Didn't you know?" She asked sensing the tension surrounding the subject. "Umm.no I didn't." I said looking down at my Adidas. "Oh..well..I'm sure he was planning on coming to see you before he left." She said hopefully. "Nah, I don't think so..he's probably busy packing and stuff. He doesn't want any reason to have to stay longer." I said looking out my window at the rain. I continued to look out at the gloomy sky until Lily said something that recaptured my attention. "So.why don't you give him one?" She said with a Mona Lisa smile. I looked at her and smiled shyly. "Was it that obvious?" I asked and the now familiar feeling of a blush creeping up my face manifested. "Did something happen with you two?" She asked. I just nodded. "You wanna talk about it?" she asked and I shook my head no. "You wanna get out of here and go stop the best thing in your life from leaving it?" She asked and I looked up startled. Lily just smiled. "Go. Go on, I'll cover for you." She said and I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. I hugged her awkwardly and thanked her. "No problem, that's what I'm here for." Lily said returning the hug. I bolted out of the office, pulling my jean jacket on as I ran down the stairs. "Good luck!" she yelled after me. I pulled up at Woody's apartment as the rain was pouring heavily down. A tenant from his building was just coming out the door and I grabbed it before it could shut. I ran up the stairs to Woody's apartment soaking from the rain. I knocked on his door and by the look on his face, I could tell he hadn't looked out the peephole. "Jordan, what are you doi.." I cut him off. "You're right. I do. Without even knowing it I do. But."I sighed heavily trying to catch my breath. "I care very deeply for you. And I don't want you.I don't want you to be another one of my..unending parade of nameless, meaningless sexual relationships. I ..I don't want to be hurt. And I don't want you to leave. I want.I want you to stay.I'm.I'm giving you a reason to stay." Woody looked at me as if he was going to cry. "I'm telling you that..that I love you." I said and waited for him to react. When he looked up there were tears in his eyes. "That's.that's all I wanted to hear." He said and pulled me to his chest. He bent back my head and kissed me softly. " All I wanted this whole time was for you to tell me how you felt about me. All day, I just wanted you to tell me to stay," he kissed me again." To give me a reason not to go to Los Angeles." He whispered against my lips as we both cried happy tears. I took his face in my hands. "That's what I came her to tell you. So that.so that you'd know that I need YOU just like you told me you needed ME." He wrapped his arms around my waist and nodded against my shoulder. " I do need you Jordan, and that's why I left your apartment last night. Because as much as I need you, I'd rather not have you at all than just when I'm in town." He laughed and sniffed back tears. "I'm very possessive that way." He said and I kissed his cheek. "Yeah," I sniffed back tears myself. "I kinda got that impression." I said and kissed his salty lips again. Finally we pulled away. "So, you wanna come in and talk? Maybe I'll. make us a little grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch?" He said sounding so much like a little boy I had to laugh as I wiped the tears from my eyes. "Well, we could do that but I seem to remember something about the next chimichangas being on me?" I asked to make sure I wasn't mistaken. Woody wiped his eyes and puffed a laugh out his nose. "Yeah, I seem to remember saying something like that." He said and grabbed me around the waist again, slowly pulling me as he walked backwards into his apartment, tripped over a box and we tumbled to the floor. I began to laugh heartily as I lay sprawled across Woody on the floor. He kicked the door shut from his position under me on his back and I'm sure anyone who walked by his apartment at that moment was confused to hear laughter followed by Woody chuckling out that on the other hand, he didn't really like Mexican food that much anyway.
"I'm moving. To LA." He just said it. Just threw it right out there like it was no big deal. "Oh." It was all I could say. We just looked at each other, waiting to see who would be the first to say what we were both feeling. Before one of us could get it out, Garrett popped his head into my office. "Jordan you have to..oh, hey Woody, good thing you're here you and Jordan can ride together." He said. "To What?" Woody said as his pager beeped loudly demanding his attention. He furrowed his brow as he pulled the chirping annoyance off of his belt and read the message. "Guess." Garrett said pointing to the little black pager in Woody's hand, and closing the door in front of him with a thud. Woody and I glanced at each other again. "You ready?" He asked and I wasn't sure for which discussion he was referring. I hesitated and I think he picked up on what I was thinking. I just nodded silently and followed him out the door. When we got to my SVU I silently opened the driver's side door and hopped in. Woody followed and took the passenger's seat. When we had been driving for almost a minute in silence, me paying attention to the road, Woody paying attention to anything but me, he finally continued with the conversation we had been having in my office.
"It's not for sure yet. I was asked to join this real elite kind of police team out there." He waited patiently for me to respond. I tried to be happy for him. "Really?..That's..great Woody. I'm really happy for you." I think I pulled off being sincere. It was a tough thing to do though. Woody looked back out the window. "Yeah," he said and sighed. "I'd be making better money that's for sure." He said with a half-hearted chuckle.
"It's a dream job for any cop." I just nodded with feigned enthusiasm. "Well, you should...we should celebrate." I said trying to lighten the mood. Woody quickly responded. "Yeah.but well, I don't know if I'm gonna take it yet." There was another awkward silence before I said, "What are you cracked? You just said it's a dream job! Why wouldn't you take it?" I thought maybe he'd give me some kind of answer. He didn't. "Well, I'm just gonna wait and make sure I'm doing the right thing." He said but it didn't answer my question. I don't know. Maybe that IS what I wanted. "Why don't you come over for dinner tonight? But this time I'll cook." I said and smiled. Woody turned a little in his seat and looked at me. "Oh.okay. Sure. That sounds good." He said and smiled weakly.
Later that night I was making dinner when I heard a knock at my door. "Come in Woody it's open!" I called from the kitchen. I heard the door open cautiously and then close softly. Woody peeked around the corner as I was just pulling lasagna out of the stove. "Ooo.lasagna!" Woody said sniffing the air. "Smells good." He said finally offering a genuine smile. I put the large dish down in the middle of the kitchen table and threw the mitts to Woody requesting he put them on the counter. He shook his head and carried them to the counter, giving me an opportunity to look over what he was wearing. 'Not bad', I thought glancing from the brown loafers up his legs clad in a pair of khaki dress pants and finally to the cream colored turtleneck that fit just the right amount of tight to his well-defined chest. His hair was mussed a little, a big change from the usual meticulous way in which he wears it for work. I had to admit it was kind of sexy. Alright, it was really sexy. When he turned back towards me I watched his eyes travel shamelessly from head to toe of me. "Wow, you look.beautiful." He said looking a little exasperated. I felt a little blush climb up my cheeks. "Your not so bad yourself farm boy." I said wagging my eyebrows at him. Woody turned a little pink himself and I motioned to the table. "Please, sit." I said and Woody hurried to the table pulling out a seat, apparently for me. "Ladies first." He said motioning for me to sit. I smiled and thanked him, sitting and allowing him to push my seat gently in. He took the seat across from me and picked up the wine bottle chilling beside the table, pouring a glass for each of us. We toasted and sipped the wine before I picked up a spatula and began to dish out the lasagna. We talked about nothing much during dinner. Especially not the issue of him moving to LA. When we were finished, Woody offered to help wash the dishes.
"A man that doesn't mind doing 'women's work'?! What more could a girl ask for?" I said laughing and handed Woody a few dishes to take to the sink. He carried them over and set them on the counter before turning and pulling the turtleneck off and throwing it a few feet away onto the couch. "Ah-ha! I knew you couldn't be completely infallible." I said smiling as I picked the shirt up and folded it nicely replacing it on the couch. Woody was turning the short sleeves of his clean white undershirt up as he turned and smiled at me. "Ah shucks.I was hoping I could slip that one by you." He said turning back to the sink. He was leisurely rinsing and cleaning dishes as I placed them on the counter next to him. We told stories about having to clean dishes as children and it seemed to be going well between us, thoughts of his possible move now far out of our minds. As Woody was running the last dish under the water I took the opportunity to come slowly up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. I rested my chin on his strong shoulder and sighed. Woody tensed up slightly but continued with the dishes. He didn't make any other acknowledgement as to the clear signals I was sending other than the tensing. "You know it's a shame you're leaving," I said deeply. "I was just starting to warm up to the thought of us getting together." I said and began to kiss his neck. Completely throwing me off guard, Woody turned abruptly to face me. "You know I thought maybe I was just being dumb, but it's true, you really are that way aren't you?" He said angrily. "Woody? I don't understand what you're." He cut me off sharply. "Oh please Jordan, you know exactly what you do! Every time I've tried to go out with you you've turned me down because of some ridiculous, completely irrational fear that you're gonna get hurt!" I cut him off this time. "Woody, I have no clue what you're.." He cut in again. "Oh, come on Jordan. You wouldn't have done this," he said referring to the my sink groping, "you wouldn't have even invited me over tonight if I hadn't told you I was leaving!" He said painfully. I stood dumbfounded for a minute. "Where the hell did that come from? And where do you get off telling ME what I'M thinking?" I said walking towards the front door. Woody followed quickly. "I thought I was just imagining it at first but now I can see that it's true.You're so terrified of getting close to anyone.afraid that they'll hurt you, that the only time you're interested in them is if you're sure they're not sticking around!" I stood with my mouth gaping open. "That's insane! I do NOT do that Woody!" I said crossing my arms defiantly.
"Oh, but you do Jordan. Without even knowing it you do. But you know what? If that's how you have to cope with life that's fine, but I'm not like that. I care very deeply for you. And I don't want to be another one of your unending parade of nameless, meaningless sexual relationships. I don't want to be hurt either!" I could do nothing but stare madly at the door. "I think you should leave." I said as I felt hot tears stinging behind my eyes. "That's fine." He said grabbing his sweater off the couch and pulling his black leather coat from the coat hanger next to me. He didn't bother to put either on, just opened the door, walked out and left. I stood for a moment, infuriated and then slammed the door shut and locked it. I leaned with my back to the door for a second sighing heavily and looking at the floor. Then without warning, the tears that had been threatening to spill out of my eyes did just that. I began to sob, an ache pulling in my chest that was completely foreign to me. I felt like my chest was going to be crushed by the pain. I slid to the floor and sat Indian style holding my chest and sobbed. When I finally regained my composure, I stood and walked exhaustedly to my room. I laid down on top of the sheets and curled into a little ball before drifting off to sleep. When I woke up I stretched and popped and slinked into the bathroom to take a shower. I looked out the bathroom window. It was gloomy and wet and raining. Well at least it fit my mood. I showered quickly, got dressed and went to work. When I dragged myself into the morgue, I nodded a greeting at Lily as I made my way to my office. "Hey Jordan, did you hear that Woody is moving to LA?" She asked following me to my office door. I sighed heavily before turning to face her. "Well, he said he wasn't sure yet, he might or he might not." I said smiling weakly. Lily looked at me quizzically. "Ac..actually he was just here about 15 minutes ago, he's leaving tonight? Didn't you know?" She asked sensing the tension surrounding the subject. "Umm.no I didn't." I said looking down at my Adidas. "Oh..well..I'm sure he was planning on coming to see you before he left." She said hopefully. "Nah, I don't think so..he's probably busy packing and stuff. He doesn't want any reason to have to stay longer." I said looking out my window at the rain. I continued to look out at the gloomy sky until Lily said something that recaptured my attention. "So.why don't you give him one?" She said with a Mona Lisa smile. I looked at her and smiled shyly. "Was it that obvious?" I asked and the now familiar feeling of a blush creeping up my face manifested. "Did something happen with you two?" She asked. I just nodded. "You wanna talk about it?" she asked and I shook my head no. "You wanna get out of here and go stop the best thing in your life from leaving it?" She asked and I looked up startled. Lily just smiled. "Go. Go on, I'll cover for you." She said and I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. I hugged her awkwardly and thanked her. "No problem, that's what I'm here for." Lily said returning the hug. I bolted out of the office, pulling my jean jacket on as I ran down the stairs. "Good luck!" she yelled after me. I pulled up at Woody's apartment as the rain was pouring heavily down. A tenant from his building was just coming out the door and I grabbed it before it could shut. I ran up the stairs to Woody's apartment soaking from the rain. I knocked on his door and by the look on his face, I could tell he hadn't looked out the peephole. "Jordan, what are you doi.." I cut him off. "You're right. I do. Without even knowing it I do. But."I sighed heavily trying to catch my breath. "I care very deeply for you. And I don't want you.I don't want you to be another one of my..unending parade of nameless, meaningless sexual relationships. I ..I don't want to be hurt. And I don't want you to leave. I want.I want you to stay.I'm.I'm giving you a reason to stay." Woody looked at me as if he was going to cry. "I'm telling you that..that I love you." I said and waited for him to react. When he looked up there were tears in his eyes. "That's.that's all I wanted to hear." He said and pulled me to his chest. He bent back my head and kissed me softly. " All I wanted this whole time was for you to tell me how you felt about me. All day, I just wanted you to tell me to stay," he kissed me again." To give me a reason not to go to Los Angeles." He whispered against my lips as we both cried happy tears. I took his face in my hands. "That's what I came her to tell you. So that.so that you'd know that I need YOU just like you told me you needed ME." He wrapped his arms around my waist and nodded against my shoulder. " I do need you Jordan, and that's why I left your apartment last night. Because as much as I need you, I'd rather not have you at all than just when I'm in town." He laughed and sniffed back tears. "I'm very possessive that way." He said and I kissed his cheek. "Yeah," I sniffed back tears myself. "I kinda got that impression." I said and kissed his salty lips again. Finally we pulled away. "So, you wanna come in and talk? Maybe I'll. make us a little grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch?" He said sounding so much like a little boy I had to laugh as I wiped the tears from my eyes. "Well, we could do that but I seem to remember something about the next chimichangas being on me?" I asked to make sure I wasn't mistaken. Woody wiped his eyes and puffed a laugh out his nose. "Yeah, I seem to remember saying something like that." He said and grabbed me around the waist again, slowly pulling me as he walked backwards into his apartment, tripped over a box and we tumbled to the floor. I began to laugh heartily as I lay sprawled across Woody on the floor. He kicked the door shut from his position under me on his back and I'm sure anyone who walked by his apartment at that moment was confused to hear laughter followed by Woody chuckling out that on the other hand, he didn't really like Mexican food that much anyway.
